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Original poster

My OH doesn’t want Xmas with me

55 replies

Peace43 · 26/11/2021 22:27

We’ve been together 2.5 years. I have a DD from previous relationship. DD and I are spending actual Xmas Day and Boxing Day with my family and OH is invited (but has declined and will spend it with his parents which is totally fine). I want OH and I to do our own Xmas the weekend beforehand when my DD will be with her Dad. OH is feeling really down as he has fallen out with his grown up kids (they do seem to have behaved very badly towards him). This has been going on really since I’ve known him but now the falling out has reached a peak in the last few months. OH is now dreading Xmas because his kids won’t be there. He doesn’t want to celebrate with me the weekend before (or at all). I was so looking forward to some happy time together. He’s been miserable for months and I’ve been his shoulder to cry on. We missed out last year due to COVID (but he was pretty miserable last Xmas too) and the year before because he was busy / down on the run up to Xmas.

I don’t feel like a priority. I’m good enough to deal with all the shitty stuff but not to make an effort for. I’m annoyed and hurt. He says we will do “something” but is not clear about what that is and won’t discuss it and to be honest I’m not convinced that it will be anything like the lovely couply pre-Xmas weekend i hope for or that he won’t end up making other plans that take over most of the weekend.

Am I being a twat? He really is proper down. I’m just so sick of everything being about his selfish kids and his shitty ex. (His words not mine). Is it unreasonable to expect him to try and up his game for my benefit just for Xmas?

OP posts:

TraceyLacey · 26/11/2021 22:37

I'm not sure I'd want to spend Christmas with someone like that, it doesn't sound like you'd have a nice time. Could you plan something nice for yourself in your free weekend? Why has he fallen out with his children?

Embracelife · 26/11/2021 22:40

You cannot make him happy.
Split up?
What does he bring to your life?
It is not your fault he doesn't get on with his dc

mamas12 · 26/11/2021 22:41

Could you tell him that you would love to spend a happy fun lovely weekend with him and if he can’t or wont then you would prefer to be on your own and not spend it with him
Ask him to do something for you for a change and see if he will do that for you if not then think again about your relationship

AnnieSnap · 26/11/2021 22:47

Yes, IMO you are being a twat. My adult son cut me out of his life when I divorced his father. For several years, I really struggled at Christmas. The first Christmas, I tried to make an effort with my boyfriend on Christmas morning. I felt horrible though and by the afternoon, I was literally under a duvet depressed. Several more Christmas’s weren’t much better. I’ve had years when I’ve tried to ignore it altogether. It didn’t really help. 13 years on, I can deal with it. My mood doesn’t crash and there are no tears, but there is always a sadness under the surface. You have your child and clearly have no idea how painful it is to be rejected by your child (no matter the age). If you aren’t willing to support you OH in trying to cope with the ‘family season’ by ignoring it, then do your own thing and leave him in peace.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2021 22:48

I don’t feel like a priority. I’m good enough to deal with all the shitty stuff but not to make an effort for.

That’s the nub.

Being in a relationship is meant to make your life lighter, brighter, happier, fuller. This one isn’t.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 22:53

@AnnieSnap

You are massively projecting there though. If it effects your relationship that much, you reallyly would benefit from therapy rather than expecting your partner to be ok with absorbing it all. The OP sounds like she's done her best to be there for her partner but part of being in a relationship is being for the other person too. It can't all be one sided. Our partners are not an emotional vacuum, they have feelings about things too. People have to be willing to work on themselves as well

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 22:56

Op it sounds quite healthy that you are looking after your needs too. If he doesn't want to do Christmas, it's ok to feel how you feel about that. That's his choice and you can support him in that but don't lose yourself, plan some nice things for you and then give him space if that's what he wants.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2021 22:58

Annie, did you make an effort with your boyfriend the rest of the time? Lots of people find Christmas tough for different reasons but this is a symptom of OP’s DP’s approach to her in general, as she’s made clear.

She’s meant to be his partner not his free therapist. If he’s not willing to put some effort into things which matter to her, to invest in their relationship, he has no business dating.

She’s been supporting him for 2.5 years, the whole time they’ve been together. It’s not just about him, if he thinks it is he should be single till he’s ready to be less selfish.

Are you still with the boyfriend?

Keepitonthedownlow · 26/11/2021 22:58

Is he like this all year round or just Xmas?

Flowers500 · 26/11/2021 23:00

Sorry but I do think you’re being unreasonable. You’re getting a lovely family Christmas. Christmas is a time for family and that’s a giant, painful stab in the heart for someone going through intense family drama. You should make time to do a weekend away that involves couple time and a treat but that is NOT Christmas themed, or about Christmas.

While it’s obviously an utterly shit analogy, this is like a (recently, painfully) divorced friend being invited to a girl’s valentines weekend. Fabulous if she wants to do it, but you should have the respect for them to not try to make them put themselves through it.

To him, Christmas is “your children hate you on the day when movies say there can be nothing but love, yes they literally hate you that much” written in flashing neon lights. Have a bit of sensitivity.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:04

Then he's not ready for a relationship. It's not fair to treat the other person like that.
How on earth is she being the selfish one

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/11/2021 23:09

Christmas can be really hard if you are struggling with depression and when you have issues within your family. I really struggle with Christmas, I am a teacher and need to try and get into the spirit of things at work for the kids but I can find it really hard. My instinct is to just want to ignore Christmas and hide until it goes away, I don’t men if personally to anybody at work when I try and avoid Secret Santa or the Christmas Do or to my friends when I try and avoid any Christmasy celebrations but I just find the whole festive period horrendous.

I think you should accept he doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas and focus on doing Christmasy things with other people, and be thankful you’re able to spend it with your DD. If you want a nice weekend with him having time together that is reasonable but why not respect that this is a hard time of year for him and do something that doesn’t involve Christmas.

Lindy2 · 26/11/2021 23:11

Is he just like this at Christmas or all year round.

You say you've been together 2.5 years. Last Christmas was obviously very difficult for lots of people because of Covid but you said he was also down the Christmas before? That's most of your relationship then?

To be honest he sounds very draining and needy. What good bits does he add to your life or are you stuck in a pattern of you always emotionally supporting him with him not giving anything in return?

I couldn't stay in that kind of relationship. He's not making you happy.

nocnoc · 26/11/2021 23:34

Is there any fun in this relationship?

Viddy2021 · 26/11/2021 23:48

He sounds complicated and a lot of work. Falling out with his children is a bad sign too. You're totally not being unreasonable.

billy1966 · 26/11/2021 23:49

Why are you settling for so little?

MimiBearrg · 26/11/2021 23:59

Lifewith
Very well said!

AnnieSnap · 27/11/2021 00:30

@Lifewith I did go into therapy and didn’t expect my then boyfriend, now husband to be an emotional vaccum. What I’m saying is that when a parent is rejected by their child, Christmas is an especially difficult time. I didn’t expect my other half to absorb my distress, but I could only cope with so much at Christmas without going off by myself, or trying to ignore it. The OPs OH is at the beginning of this and doesn’t want to deal with Christmas. If you really care about a person, you shouldn’t be trying to force them to engage it festivities, but let them try to work through their pain. He can find a way through it, but the OP wants to insist he ‘does Christmas’. To me, in the circumstances, thst is being a twat!

Lifewith · 27/11/2021 00:33

@AnnieSnap I think you've missed the rest of the ops post about the rest of his behaviour.

AnnieSnap · 27/11/2021 00:36

@AnneLovesGilbert

She’s meant to be his partner not his free therapist. If he’s not willing to put some effort into things which matter to her, to invest in their relationship, he has no business dating.

She’s been supporting him for 2.5 years, the whole time they’ve been together. It’s not just about him, if he thinks it is he should be single till he’s ready to be less selfish.

Are you still with the boyfriend?

Yes I did. We’ve been together 13 years, married for 6. I see what you are saying. Based on the OPs account, her OH sounds depressed and might benefit from some medication and therapy. I know I did. Christmas is brutal though for a parent rejected by a child. If the OP cares about the guy, she shouldn’t be pressuring him to ‘do Christmas’. Issues would be more effectively addressed at another time.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2021 00:42

Does Eeyore add anything positive to your life? It certainly isn't enough. Unburden yourself from this killjoy.

Onthedunes · 27/11/2021 01:22

It sounds like the context in which his wife and he broke up is having repercussions on him moving forward.

It apears he is stuck, did he leave her for you? maybe he blames you in some way for his relationship with his children breaking down.

Difficult to say without knowing more.
Maybe he's just selfish.

Don't bother trying to love a selfish person, it's a waste of time.

litterbird · 27/11/2021 04:13

I am sorry OP I can see you want some sort of fairytale Christmas with him. This won’t happen I am afraid and probably not for every Christmas. You chose someone who has difficulty remaining in the most important relationship of all, the one with his children. That’s who he must prioritise over you every time. Christmas is his trigger. He hates it as he can’t be a part of his happy family structure and you must understand it really really hurts. I think you will be his home therapist for ever if that’s what you want. You won’t be his priority but that’s how it works when you take on a man with another woman’s children then add in a difficult ex this will be your life now. I would get on with your plans and don’t ever expect a Disney Christmas, it’s not going to happen. It’s up to you if you want to carry on with this dynamic.

Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 05:04

He’s been miserable for months and I’ve been his shoulder to cry on

What exactly are you getting out this relationship op? You are an unpaid counselling service, and you sound miserable.

I would probably choose this moment to have a break and reassess and see if he is what I am looking for in life. I wouldn't be wasting years of my life on someone wallowing - no way - you are not committed so you can leave easily thankfully.

I am not sure what the situation is with his children, but do you really want all of this anguish and stress in your dd's and your life? I'd choose happiness personally.

samesign · 27/11/2021 08:32

You say he's your OH but your not his priority, I think it's quite mean if him not to spend Christmas with you.
Do you live together? I was going to say if don't then he's trying to escape long term commitment with you.

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