My OH doesn’t want Xmas with me

[Peace43]

We’ve been together 2.5 years. I have a DD from previous relationship. DD and I are spending actual Xmas Day and Boxing Day with my family and OH is invited (but has declined and will spend it with his parents which is totally fine). I want OH and I to do our own Xmas the weekend beforehand when my DD will be with her Dad. OH is feeling really down as he has fallen out with his grown up kids (they do seem to have behaved very badly towards him). This has been going on really since I’ve known him but now the falling out has reached a peak in the last few months. OH is now dreading Xmas because his kids won’t be there. He doesn’t want to celebrate with me the weekend before (or at all). I was so looking forward to some happy time together. He’s been miserable for months and I’ve been his shoulder to cry on. We missed out last year due to COVID (but he was pretty miserable last Xmas too) and the year before because he was busy / down on the run up to Xmas.

I don’t feel like a priority. I’m good enough to deal with all the shitty stuff but not to make an effort for. I’m annoyed and hurt. He says we will do “something” but is not clear about what that is and won’t discuss it and to be honest I’m not convinced that it will be anything like the lovely couply pre-Xmas weekend i hope for or that he won’t end up making other plans that take over most of the weekend.

Am I being a twat? He really is proper down. I’m just so sick of everything being about his selfish kids and his shitty ex. (His words not mine). Is it unreasonable to expect him to try and up his game for my benefit just for Xmas?

I don’t think you are being very understanding. It sounds like you get your happy family Christmas and he is an afterthought that can tag along if he wishes and then has to pretend it is Christmas when it isn’t so you get two Christmases. Seems self centred to me.

I can see a bit of both sides here, and context is key...

If he is down but seeking help / doing all he can to build bridges with his children, acknowledges how supportive you are, tries his best to be supportive back and to show you that you're important to him (and not just as support) - then I would step back and accept Christmas is really hard if you are estranged from your children. Enjoy your time with your DC / parents and have a lovely Christmas that way.

If he is able to make effort for other people, but never for you / If he generally takes you for granted / if he doesn't offer support when you need it, then it may just be that he's not as in to you as you are in to him, and the relationship has run its course.

Onl you will know how it feels from your perspective. Do you feel (despite his low mood) loved, supported, important to him?

I don't particularly like Christmas so there's no way I'd be doing a pre Christmas weekend where I have to indulge in all the things I dislike, especially if I was struggling with my mental health. That's quite selfish of you to expect him to do that with good grace knowing how much he's struggling. Just so you get more Christmas.

Why don't you sack off boxing day with your family and spend it with him instead?

Just out of interest, when was the last time your fella brought you some flowers?

Why wouldn't you both go to his parents for Christmas or invite his parents and him to you?

Do his parents know about you?

Why did he fall out with his children? How old are they?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Just out of interest, when was the last time your fella brought you some flowers?

Flowers are not always an indication of happy harmonious relations. They sometimes are not as meaningful for certain people as some people think.

It's a love language called 'Gifts' which is not everyone's primary language out of 5 love languages.

Tbh I think you are being a little bit of a twat (your word)

I explain: your OH is sad about xmas and is free to not want to celebrate it!! He's not stopping you at all from celebrating yourself!!

Why don't you completely forget the idea of doing something xmassy with him and just go for a nice night out? maybe next year he might have mended his relationship with his kids and be happier about the holiday season.

I love Xmas but if for any reason my son wasn't in my life, or not in a healthy and happy way, I think I'd really struggle, and I don't think I could face doing a "pretend" weekend.

Could you maybe ask him to organise a weekend away in January? No festive pressure then and you can usually get some great deals on hotels.

Overall though it does sound like you need to evaluate whether this relationship is meeting your needs.

@SexyNeckbeard

I don't particularly like Christmas so there's no way I'd be doing a pre Christmas weekend where I have to indulge in all the things I dislike, especially if I was struggling with my mental health. That's quite selfish of you to expect him to do that with good grace knowing how much he's struggling. Just so you get more Christmas.

Why don't you sack off boxing day with your family and spend it with him instead?

To me to wish/want to have lovely Christmas or any nice celebration is not selfish at all. It's part of a happy life and feeling happy in life.

You don't like Christmas and New Year celebrations. Your choice, but I and all my family do and the author does.

We should be free to express all our needs and desires. It's good to know what we want and make it happen.

If he is depressed he is trying her down consciouslyand subconsciously willingly and unwillingly. If nothing bad or tragic happened, he can CHOOSE to be happy. Happiness is our choice 99% of the time except in some clinical depression cases when help with medication is needed. It's our HABIT to choose to be happy and optimistic (or unhappy & pessimistic) every day.

To become happy and content in life a person has to work on himself/herself, his/her feelings. Going to counselling, understanding the reasons for feeling low and choosing a positive way out instead of constant unnecessary misery and accepting life situations that are Out of his/her Control to move on.

Some people tend to inherit depressive thoughts and behaviours and it can be genetic.

Hormone dopamine is in charge of our happy feelings.

We produce it when we

1. exercise regularly

2. eat healthily

3. get daily fresh air for a minimum of 20-30 minutes in any weather

4. have hobbies and interests we enjoy

5. have a minimum of 1-2-3 close friends we regularly keep in touch with

6. have a happy family. + very useful hormone oxytocin is produced then too (hugs, kisses, great sex, etc)

7. achieve our life goals step by step

8. get enough sleep every night (minimum of 7-8 hours of good quality deep sleep).

The poor bastard’s gutted about his kids behaviour. This will be magnified at Christmas.

Sounds like he needs to get to the gp for some antidepressants and some counselling. Suicide is higher at Christmas. It’s a difficult time for many. I wouldn’t ignore his feelings. He’s struggling.

I know you feel second best OP but if he’s depressed. He is not dissing what you want, he can’t deal with it as he’s ill. If he had toothache and didn’t want to do stuff you’d be understanding. This is toothache if the brain! He needs help.

If he won’t go to his gp though I’d be telling him that you’re not putting up with his moping. He really needs to go. Help him to get there if needs be. If he does go now the meds will have kicked in by three weeks from now and he should be better by Christmas. The counselling will help a lot too. Charities offer it cheaper (if you can’t get free on nhs/there’s a long wait)

Both should help get him through and hopefully make him more inclined to think of you and dc and your needs. Which are valid.

Well, he sounds like a barrel of laughs @Peace43 .

Is it unreasonable to expect him to try and up his game for my benefit just for Xmas?

His moods are taking a toll on his relationship, and on you. He should be trying to up his game plenty of other times too- see his GP (and if one thing doesn't work, keep going back until they find something that works for him) therapy etc.

As to his adult kids, you don't know what their childhood was like- well, probably they spent a lot of their childhood with what you're experiencing now, the moods etc.

Get rid of him. His relationship breakdown with his kids is not your fault. He actually MAY be the One to blame for that. That’s his problem not yours.

If I was you I would run a mile. He is never going to change or probably admit he may be part of their relationship problems. He sounds like the “poor me”type who blames everyone else but not his own part in the issues.

Don’t let him ruin your Christmas. If he wants to be miserable then leave him to it. Don’t let him do this to all of your future Christmases because as it stands this is what you will be getting.

Wait a second so I've had depression twice since I got married. Should DH have run a mile away from me?!

Your OH is upset, sometimes people are upset!!!! Is he usually a nice partner to YOU? (Forget about the kids) how is he the rest of time? (Besides xmas?) if he really isn't a good partner then maybe this relationship isn't to last but just because of this one event that you shared with us? I would say it's fine, give him some space

@Lana07 “if he’s depressed, he can choose to be happy” WTF? I hope no one close to you ever suffers with depression. Your attitude to mental ill health is appalling!

@Lana07 also your post is full of contradictions. It suggests that you know it’s complex, but still feel that a depressed person can simply choose to be happy “99% of the time” 🤷‍♀️

Your OH is upset, sometimes people are upset!!!! Is he usually a nice partner to YOU? (Forget about the kids) how is he the rest of time? (Besides xmas?) if he really isn't a good partner then maybe this relationship isn't to last but just because of this one event that you shared with us?

@grey12 It isn't entirely just one event, he's been like it to some extent for years and not got help for it in any siignificant/determined way.

I have a severe metal health disability and that's why I don't have much tolerance for people who don't do what they can to help themselves.

My dad was also very moody and so I do not like that in a man and hope that if one was like that for long, I'd drop them like rock.

*a rock.

Gosh he is a misery, not surprising his kids don't like him. I have to wonder if he ever makes you happy.

@me4real

Your OH is upset, sometimes people are upset!!!! Is he usually a nice partner to YOU? (Forget about the kids) how is he the rest of time? (Besides xmas?) if he really isn't a good partner then maybe this relationship isn't to last but just because of this one event that you shared with us?

@grey12 It isn't entirely just one event, he's been like it to some extent for years and not got help for it in any siignificant/determined way.

I have a severe metal health disability and that's why I don't have much tolerance for people who don't do what they can to help themselves.

My dad was also very moody and so I do not like that in a man and hope that if one was like that for long, I'd drop them like rock.

That's fair enough. You don't want to wake up in 5 years time still in a relationship that brings you no joy. Then you should give him an ultimatum to get some help otherwise say you don't want this to continue. Be honest

Op, is he being a victim or taking some responsibility for his life and relationships?

Whilst he might have "selfish children and a shitty Ex", where is his responsibility in this?

If he doesn't make an effort with your relationship, is this how he treated his children and Ex?

Upshot, he is failing at your relationship- if you break up who will be blame?

Just throwing this into the mix, if the poster was a loving husband and the spouse referred to was the wife - upset at her children not wanting to see her, can’t face Christmas, really upset etc - Would you give the same advice which was in many posts about she’s a misery guts and dump her?

I think not. You’d be more empathetic. Why does the poor guy deserve less empathy?

He’s ill.

Fair enough if he doesn’t go to the gp or refuses counselling. But we don’t know that to be the case yet.

@Elieza well said. Also, I’m regularly pretty horrified by how quickly, with very little information, posters jump to ‘he’s a loser. Just dump him’! 😟 Sometimes people can work things out. Sometimes people love each other and shouldn’t give-up on a relationship so easily.

Thanks. I’m pleased to hear both sides of this from others. He is almost certainly depressed but my efforts to encourage him to get help haven’t worked. I’d be happy to join him and his family for Xmas or have his lot to my Xmas- he doesn’t want to.

He split from his ex 8 years ago… nothing to do with me and I’ve never met her or the kids. I was divorced before I met him. No relationship overlaps.

I take the point that “Xmas” might be a theme he just cannot enjoy. I think I’d be less frustrated if I could get him to do other fun things but there’s always an issue. We’ve only ever managed 1 weekend away alone. I know COVID has had a huge impact but my attempts to book something nice are always spoiled by his unwillingness to commit to a firm plan.

I think the Xmas theme is not a dealbreaker but the fact that we cannot even discuss this issue or book anything in advance for us because he puts it off, changes the subject and just plain won’t agree to anything is.

He is a kind man who would help me out with anything practical. He is lovely with my DD. He is respectful and caring. However I just don’t think he is in the place where he can have a relationship. He is just so hurt and miserable and fearful of being treated badly so he won’t take any sort of a risk on me - even a weekend away together is just too much commitment. It’s a sad thing.