Partner of 17 years wants to leave me

[Florabella]

I'm in pieces. Things haven't been good for a while, but we have been living in very difficult circumstances and I honestly thought once we had sorted them out that things would get better. He said he want us to go to a counsellor which I thought was a good idea, if I though it was because he wanted to fix things too, but I think he just wanted a witness when he said he wanted to leave.

He has agreed to keep going to counsellor, but he has already said he doesn't think he loves me any more. I am going to lose everything. We have 3 kids who will be devastated.

I can't cope. I feel sick constantly. I feel like my life is over.

Why are you going to lose everything OP? Don't let him leave you with nothing if you have three children together! Lots of love to you right now

I’m so sorry OP you must be in pieces xx other mumsnetters will be along with wise advice but remember that whatever happens you will get through this xx

I’m so sorry OP this is so tough. Do you have support from friends or family? You will get through this

@ErickBroch

Why are you going to lose everything OP? Don't let him leave you with nothing if you have three children together! Lots of love to you right now

I'm going to lose him, lose my future. Probably lose my home. Our pension plans are all tied up in property plans. I can't cope with the kids on my own.

I’m sorry your going through this. Do u both own your home? Are you financially dependant on him? Have you anyone you can turn to for support?

@Beebyonthewold

I’m so sorry OP this is so tough. Do you have support from friends or family? You will get through this

I have told my sister, but don't want to involve any of my friends in this. It's a small community and most of my friends husbands are his friends . I'm pretty sure he has been talking to two of his friends who both left their families (one pretty recently)

@Crystalvas

I’m sorry your going through this. Do u both own your home? Are you financially dependant on him? Have you anyone you can turn to for support?

We are financially dependent on each other really

This is such a shock to you right now OP. Just take a moment out to steady yourself. I know you cant even imagine it right now but you will be ok. He will have to step up financially as you have children that need a home to live in. You are going to go through a rough time for a while until things have been separated and sorted. You must involve people around you as you need as much support as you can get. Finances will have to be split and rectified. Just take each hour, day or week at a time. You will feel really unsteady for some time but your world will stop spinning one day. Your children will be ok after a while and they are used to the new norm. I wish you well OP, many of us have been where you are....we are still here, surviving and thriving xx

You are in shock. And that is understandable. Change is hard. More so when it isn't what you want.

Gather people around you for support. Seek your own counselling. And contact your gp if you feel you need too.

If he wants to leave there is little you can do. He has every right to end a relationship. I know that sucks right now for you.

You also know that you will be ok eventually. Many others have walked this path.

Like you my future with tied up with the kids dad. The plans and pensions etc. I was devastated. But then drew a line. He had made his choice so I stepped right back.

Contact with the kids was eow. He didn't get to skip off to live his happy life with ow child free

Money through Cms.

I cut him off from me in every way. Physically. Emotionally and practically. I went through all the bills stopped taxing and insuring his car. His mobile phone bill etc.

I claimed the benefits I was entitled too and increased my hours at work

I went through the whole of the house and gathered his belongings up in one place. Moved things around. New bedding flowers etc. Little things to make it feel different.

I got counselling. I talked the ears off of anyone who listens and journaled my feelings. Now looking back what was written was rather lame. I'm glad I didn't send those messages and emails to him.

And I cut him off. He has no right to ask about my welfare. He has made it very clear where I stood. I'd engage about the kids money and the house.

He thought we could be friends but the betrayal I felt was too great. And he has behaved pretty badly since then so I still get very tight boundaries.

4 years down the line. The kids are the happiest they have ever been and doing well. The house is sorted. Money is tight but it is ok. I know what is going out and don't have someone else spending like there is no tomorrow.

His life doesn't seem to be so great. From an outsider prospective. He lost his well paid job and several others over the years. The kids hardly see him. He has a rented room somewhere and ow isn't on the scene any more. I genuinely hope things work out for him. The children and I have a good and happy life and I'm grateful for that opportunity.

You will heal in time. I know you don't want to. But have dignity. Go to pieces with friends and grieve. Tell him to go. And to go now.

But I don't want to cut him off- I want to fix it

But he doesn't. You can't make him stay. If he does that is just kicking the can further down the road.

We're still going to counselling. I have to try everything. This will destroy the kids as well as me

Its like clapping with one hand, even if you manage to mend things you are going to be giving him the balance of power going forward not a great place for you to be longterm.

My advice would be if he wants to leave, and it looks as though his mind is made up, let him go. Dont force, pressure or beg, this will only do the opposite and he will lose all respect for you.
Millions of women succesfully parent alone. You can do it , you have become codependant on your partner, but he' s made his choice and l would focus on rebuilding a wonderful life for you and your children, rather than waste time trying to make him stay.

Logically I understand what you are all saying, but I can't just let my family collapse without a fight. The worst thing is that I have driven him to this with a lack of intimacy and affection. He's not perfect, but I only have myself to blame for this

It takes two to make. Relationship work. My ex gave me the same narrative. I wasn't affectionate enough. We didn't do anything together anymore.

What it translated too was he wanted wild sex and to go out drinking. And palm the children off in to anyone who would have them.

I had at that point had 4 years of broken sleep. He refused to do any waking nights or early mornings. He also did very little towards day to day tasks and took no responsibility to manage finances. He would buy expensive clothes. Nights out. And I would be adjusting the budget to make sure we had funds to pay the bills but things the kids needed etc.

He stopped being a partner or team player and I withdrew from him. He was expecting me to step up. And I was waiting for him to grow up.

I played my part but so did he. Someone wise said to me. There are 3 truths. Yours. His and somewhere in the middle.

I would of done anything for my ex. And spent years trying to do it all. Only for me to be left anyway.

I would encourage you to get your own counselling to work this through

“My advice would be if he wants to leave, and it looks as though his mind is made up, let him go. Dont force, pressure or beg, this will only do the opposite and he will lose all respect for you.
Millions of women succesfully parent alone. You can do it , you have become codependant on your partner, but he' s made his choice and l would focus on rebuilding a wonderful life for you and your children, rather than waste time trying to make him stay.”

This with bells on.

And divorce won’t destroy your DCs or you. It will be difficult and sad for a while - particularly for you - but you will get to a good place. People go through unwanted divorces all the time and come out the other side.

Do make sure he understands that he will still need to parent and pay for the children and that you get as much real life support as possible.

You are all stronger people than me if that is what you genuinely believe

Lovely— there will be reasons that you haven’t wanted intimacy/ affection— please don’t lay it all on yourself - it takes two.

@Florabella

You are all stronger people than me if that is what you genuinely believe

You may not have a choice but to be strong. You may surprise yourself how independent you will become away from him. If you manage to save your marriage for now it may be a good idea to seek individual therapy to strengthen your independence within the marriage. That can only be a good thing. How is the joint therapy going? Is it helping?

As contrary as it may sound, giving up has a better chance of getting him back.

Fighting for him he'll see as having his cake and eating it too. She'll always be waiting for me so I can faff about as long as I like.

Getting on with your life like he's gone works out whether he comes back or not. He'll see he's really losing you and make the effort or you'll be well on your way to healing.

@Florabella

We're still going to counselling. I have to try everything. This will destroy the kids as well as me

OP you will have to accept its over. You say your financially dependant on each other. Does that mean you cant effort everything yourself? It looks like you’ll have to now look at things like a single parent.

Thank you for asking about the counselling. On the surface it might be. We're trying to do things together and having a cuddle before bed, but at our second session he said if was feeling forced. The counsellor said it was bound to and that it's baby steps, but she said she could see a difference in our body language from week one.

It won't destroy you. It is sad and shitty. But you will survive. And your kids will too. You have to let them know that it is going to be ok. You need to keep it together for them.

I'm no more super human than you. You find inner strength. What is the alternative.

Ex told me at the start it will be fine. And I told him there and then. Yes it will be because there are no other options.

I know you are scared and so very very sad. It isn't what any of us wanted. Be kind to yourself and do keep working towards the relationship working but also be prepared for it not too.