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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of 17 years wants to leave me

75 replies

Florabella · 26/11/2021 14:35

I'm in pieces. Things haven't been good for a while, but we have been living in very difficult circumstances and I honestly thought once we had sorted them out that things would get better. He said he want us to go to a counsellor which I thought was a good idea, if I though it was because he wanted to fix things too, but I think he just wanted a witness when he said he wanted to leave.

He has agreed to keep going to counsellor, but he has already said he doesn't think he loves me any more. I am going to lose everything. We have 3 kids who will be devastated.

I can't cope. I feel sick constantly. I feel like my life is over.

OP posts:
layladomino · 26/11/2021 18:49

It won't destroy your children, it really won't. And it will be much easier on them if they see their mum being strong and having self-respect and confidence in herself.

As others have said, if there is any chance of him staying that will be reduced if you beg and plead.

If you start to move on, in your head and in practical steps, it's win-win (in so much as it will help you to start moving forward if he's leaving, and if there is any chance of him staying, he'll start to see what he could be missing).

I know it's hard, I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Original poster
Florabella · 26/11/2021 19:25

@unicornsarereal72

It won't destroy you. It is sad and shitty. But you will survive. And your kids will too. You have to let them know that it is going to be ok. You need to keep it together for them.

I'm no more super human than you. You find inner strength. What is the alternative.

Ex told me at the start it will be fine. And I told him there and then. Yes it will be because there are no other options.

I know you are scared and so very very sad. It isn't what any of us wanted. Be kind to yourself and do keep working towards the relationship working but also be prepared for it not too.

I think your last paragraph hits the nail in the head for me - thank you
OP posts:
JSL52 · 26/11/2021 19:34

@Florabella

You are all stronger people than me if that is what you genuinely believe
We believe it because thousands of women do it every year. It is possible. Sadly , even if he decided stay , you'd always be waiting for him to leave again.
Dery · 26/11/2021 20:06

@Florabella - as @JSL52 says, we believe it because we see family members and friends go through what you're going through now. Some of the posters on this thread have been through it themselves.

And everyone comes out the other side - it takes time and is very painful but they get there and everyone I know has reached a happy place.

What worries me is that you seem to be blaming yourself entirely for the relationship breakdown and therefore you have feelings of guilt and responsibility which are making everything worse. This isn't all on you. No-one's perfect. We all make mistakes. You may have done some things which contributed to the relationship breakdown and no doubt your husband has too. And you know - shitty things happen which are nobody's fault. So please don't make everything worse for you by engaging in huge self-blame. It will prevent you from doing what you need to do to get through this.

rampitup · 26/11/2021 20:15

Flowers for OP. What did he actually say is the reason?

Original poster
Florabella · 26/11/2021 20:28

@rampitup

Flowers for OP. What did he actually say is the reason?
It's a mix of things. The lack of intimacy and affection is the main problem, but also he has recently been diagnosed with adhd and that seems to have changed his view of himself and our relationship. He sees me as managing him (which I do otherwise nothing would ever get done) which he doesn't like. And he's about to turn 50, so he says he feels like he's at a crossroads in life
OP posts:
Original poster
Florabella · 26/11/2021 20:30

There's times I think it might be ok. He's cooking me dinner just now and we've just been playing a game together with our daughter. It all seems so normal, I think how can this be happening

OP posts:
MummyShah369 · 26/11/2021 20:35

Do you think there is OW in the picture that you don’t know about? He might be trying to break it if and move on to new pastures and slowly wants out?

PinkyPromises · 26/11/2021 20:39

@MummyShah369

Do you think there is OW in the picture that you don’t know about? He might be trying to break it if and move on to new pastures and slowly wants out?
Yeah sorry that was my first thought too Sad
Original poster
Florabella · 26/11/2021 20:43

No, I really don't think there's another woman. I'm as sure as I can be about that. (Not to say there's not someone he might want to be with, but he's not having an affair). We always know where the other one is

OP posts:
MummyShah369 · 26/11/2021 23:32

Just thinking usually there is a pattern here and people don’t just break of unless they really are very unhappy or have something lined up on the other side. How will his life improve by leaving you given that you both will be financially worse of and will have to share childcare but without each other’s support

Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 07:57

Well, after just three counselling sessions and me thinking that we were both really going to try, he had told me that he is still unhappy and doesn't see a future with me. Took the real cowardly way of sending me an email after a night out with his friend when he was staying at his house.

I have asked what he wants his next step to be and have made us clear that he will have to tell the children that it is his decision- not a joint one. He is desperately unhappy at the thought of leaving them and not seeing them every day and says he doesn't know what to do next. But he did not stay here last night. What am I meant to say to the kids. It's typical for him to leave anything hard to me.

But I am broken. I cannot contemplate the thought of this. My head aches from crying and I have had no sleep. I am lost and in pieces. I know I have to pick myself up for the kids, but don't know how to. I know I should take one day at a time, but I feel my life is over. I am overwhelmed with grief and panic

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 09/01/2022 08:07

"I cannot contemplate the thought of this." You need to calm down. Mn is very good at supporting women through this. The fact is you don't have a choice. Anyone can choose to leave any relationship, at any minute, they don't even need to have a reason.

MaudebeGonne · 09/01/2022 08:08

You take it one minute at a time. When your children ask where is is, you tell them he stayed at his friends house, and yes, it was short notice. See if you can book some counselling for yourself. It is now nearly 2 months since this was first brought up, and as you are so tightly tied financially, you need to start thinking practically about how to assure your financial security, cos he is way ahead of you on this.

I am sorry that this is the way it has played out, but your life isn't over. It is taking an unexpected turn, and you cannot stop it. You don't mention how old you are or how old your children are, but you can do this. Wash your face, make a brew, and make a list of what you need to do. You can be upset about it later.

I am sorry. I'd be devastated too. But I'd be fucked if I'd let him call all the shots and leave me with nothing cos I was too upset to think logically at the time.

rainbowstardrops · 09/01/2022 08:28

That was very cowardly of him but he clearly doesn't want to try to salvage the relationship anymore.
I wouldn't tell the children anything yet. Just say he's still at his friend's house.
How old are your children?
Take it one step at a time Thanks

unicornsarereal72 · 09/01/2022 08:36

I'm sorry that things did go as you hoped. Now. You need to dig deep. I remember having to sit down and tell the kids. They were both looking at me. If I fell a part they would too. At that moment I knew I had to be strong for them.

I went practical. House. Gathered up ex belongings and put them in one place. New bedding moved things around and made it a bit different

Money. Stopped all his direct debits bills etc. Cut everything back and I was entitled to some benefits.

CMS. My ex messed about for 10 months over this so go directly to them.

Your well being. Eat and drink when you can. Seek support from your counsellor. Friends and GP. Anti depressants enabled me to cope. There is no shame in that you are grieving.

Legal advice. Get copies of paper work. And get advice on how this is going to be worked out.

Contact. Does he want 50/50. Or the eow and a night in the week. I know this will be very difficult for you. But he doesn't get to skip off and have a single life free of responsibility.

You are broken right now. But you also know you are going to be ok. It won't be easy but you will come out the other side. Keep talking to friends. Family and MN. Get the support you need from them.

Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 08:45

Thanks. I can't tell them he is at his friends as he slept in our other flat above our home. His car is outside. Our kids are 15,12,11 - not ages that we can hide things from.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/01/2022 08:46

💐 op. It will be ok it really will
It may not be the life you planned but you can still have a good life and be happy.

I think you need to change how you are talking to yourself. You are using really negative language - destroy, broken.

Find some positive affirmations and try saying them instead. Something like - this is tough but I can get through it.

Your DC will take your lead. If you tell them it will be ok, they will believe you.

Get RL support and counselling if you can. GP for something to help you sleep or anxiety if you feel it necessary.

I wish you well

Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 08:49

He's not easy ahead thinking of the financial side. He hasn't made a plan (this is typical of him not thinking anything practical though). I believe him about that. I do need to sort the financials and that is where things will become nasty. I mentioned it yesterday and he said he would never screw me and the kids, and that he knew that I should get more than half in a split and I put more in. But what he says now when feeling guilty may not be the same as in a few months. Our finances are unbelievably complicated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 08:50

I do have amazing friends and know I will get a lot of support. Only two of them know about it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 08:51

I already said that if he left it wouldn't be 50/50 as that wouldn't work for the kids, and he knows that is true

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 09/01/2022 08:55

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Gather all financial paperwork (house deeds, mortgage, pensions, investments etc)
See a competent family solicitor.

Drink plenty of tea but no alcohol.
Don't forget to eat but try to keep it healthy.
Tell your friends and family.

Focus on the practicals and practise self-care.Flowers

Savoury · 09/01/2022 08:59

I know you say your finances are unbelievably complex- is that because of debt arrangements or property/investment portfolios? If the former, then consider getting advice from one of the debt charities. If the latter, then it’s much easier and can be discussed as part of your settlement.

With your kids being older, I think you need to say that he’s not sure he wants to be with you and leave it to him to fill in the rest. Don’t try excusing him: “we haven’t been getting in for years”. This isn’t your choice and as long as it’s factual, kids prefer the truth.

Original poster
Florabella · 09/01/2022 09:09

It's investment properties and the companies we have. Most of which I left up to him, so I need to get to grips with it. It was meant to be a joint pension, but I guess they will have to be sold so that I can get somewhere to buy on my own. Then I have no pension and am screwed financially for the future. It's all too much to think about. Don't even know how to get through today at the moment.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 09/01/2022 09:22

Make sure you eat and drink today, keep that as a basic as you'll be in shock for a while. You don't need to do much more than that just yet.