Partner of 17 years wants to leave me

[Florabella]

I'm in pieces. Things haven't been good for a while, but we have been living in very difficult circumstances and I honestly thought once we had sorted them out that things would get better. He said he want us to go to a counsellor which I thought was a good idea, if I though it was because he wanted to fix things too, but I think he just wanted a witness when he said he wanted to leave.

He has agreed to keep going to counsellor, but he has already said he doesn't think he loves me any more. I am going to lose everything. We have 3 kids who will be devastated.

I can't cope. I feel sick constantly. I feel like my life is over.

"I should get more than half in a split and I put more in. "

Can you prove that? Have you got bank statements that show you put more in?

"It's all too much to think about. "

No. The finances should be your priority.

You're terribly vulnerable atm.
There are lots and lots of decisions to be made but none of them need doing this second. Allow yourself some recuperation time. Absolutely don't put anything in writing in so much as a text though about settlement.

What stands out to me is his friend is recently single. Is he thinking about his mate having a great single lifestyle? Midlife crisis?
Or thinking about his mate full stop??
My dh has undiagnosed adhd. Full on life with dc is a struggle for him at times. And he knows I manage our home /life /finances. Must feel pretty rubbish at times. But can't imagine him leaving over it.
I think you needed to dig deeper. Imo.

It’s tough OP and will take a while for you to process things properly but you already sound a bit more coherent about things than you did in November despite the outcome not being the one you wanted. We all try to cling on to things as fear of the unknown is very frightening. I’ve been through it and it was the worse couple of years of my life.

Don’t pursue anything else reconciliation wise now. He has been stringing you along for 2 months and it seems his mind is set. Get strong and say “right it’s clear this is over so we need to get our finances and living arrangements sorted”

At least you have some finances to sort and you won’t be penniless.

Just take it day by day but time to fight back now and not be all accommodating.

Top tip - your tax return has a lot of data that you need if you have left that side of things to Dh. Did you complete your own every year? If not, get a copy urgently. Depending on how you’ve structured it, it should have your half of dividend and rental income, as well as your own personal income. It won’t have pension or ISA information but can be useful as a prompt to what is in joint names. You need to get on top of the pot before he stops feeling guilty.

It’s great that your complexity is investment driven, not debt. You’re therefore in a much better place than others. There are ways to cut this: you take the family home, he takes the following investment properties to sell to buy his own place etc. You’ve got choices. The main thing is that everything is written down and valued, including ISAs, shares and pensions - I can’t stress the pension part enough.

Are you married by the way?
You’ll need to accept you won’t have the comfortable retirement and future that you envisaged when the pot was for both of you. I know that’s very hard - he has take your future and made memories of the past hard.

Wow, so sorry for your update OP. I can see you are in pieces. There has been some great advise. Just sit for a while, process and breathe. I would get some help in terms of lawyers and finances when you can. The guilt wears off and thats when it gets nasty. You are in a good position of assets to split. The children are growing up fast and will be a great support to you at this time. Let him go. Be practical and strong around him and any discussions. You can cry behind close doors. Use this time to teach your daughter to be financially independent always. You can teach your children how much strength and determination you have in the face of this awful time. You will get through this. You will be ok.

I do my own tax returns, so I have that info. I'm not someone that is blind about money - I run my own business independently of him too, and in fact I manage a second business that we both jointly own. I am all over the figures for them. But they pay our living day to day and the properties that we invested in were for our future. They are our assets. I need to get more on top of those.

We are not married for those that asked.

We live in a very expensive area, and I need to be able to stay close enough that my children can stay jn their school

You're not married? That complicates the division of assets.

Please tell me that everything that is joint is actually in joint names, that your higher contribution is ringfenced, and that your own business and property is in your name only...

No, some stuff is in my name, some in his and one joint (the house we live in the the joint one). Just over 50% of the assets are in my name

I know you must be hurting but if he really isn't feeling it any more, you do have to accept that the relationship is over. It doesn't have to be anyone's "fault."

This absolutely will not destroy your children. Or you.

Try to pull some of the paperwork together and make a plan that you think is fair. This pain will pass I promise you.

Your children won’t be destroyed. You won’t be destroyed. Every single woman I know who has had this done to them has ended up stronger, happier, meeting someone else, thinking “thank F he left I can’t believe I ran after him for so long”. Every one OP. You run your own business. You’re not stupid. You know you can sort the pension out. You know you’ll be better off without someone who doesn’t want you dragging down your spirit. Look at you. Business owner. You’re a damn catch woman. You’re smart and with it. Hold up your head. Rally your friends. Find your inner goddess. Any man would be lucky to have you. Your kids will get through this and so will you and next time find yourself a young lover who is deliberate to satisfy you. There will be one. Be confident. You’ve raised 3 kids while owning businesses. Multiple businesses and property. There aren’t many women can say that. Now, stop worrying about the finances, have a cup of tea, eat something, call your friends over, fill your house with support then tomorrow contact a solicitor. You’ll need one to help you navigate through this

Thank you for all the support. I'm going for a walk with my best friend who knows all about it this afternoon. I'll just have to find the strength from somewhere and form a new life plan. Obviously easier said than done, but I know I will have so much support when this becomes public.

Your children won’t be destroyed - they are of the age where they can understand adult relationships can change.
Also - the fact that you have a flat nearby to the family home is actually great in the short/medium term.
You could start by him moving there and you two starting to figure things out.
As long as the kids see you two being civil - they will be fine.
It helps that at least half of the assets are in your name. It’s a great start and it protects you.
Do you think the two of you can agree to keep the joint family home until kids finish schools? This way the kids wont be negatively affected and the asset will appreciate in value?
Can he stay in one of your investment properties in the meanwhile?

He can't stay in that flat for more than this week as we do holiday lets with it and it's only free this week because of a Covid cancellation. The other properties are too far away. He'll have to find a solution to that for the short term. I really don't know yet about the family home. He doesn't seem to have thought of anything really (no surprise there), so it's something we'll need to talk about.

We are being civil to each other. He doesn't hate me and says we get on well but more as friends and are good co-parents, but that he doesn't feel a romantic connection with me any more (various reasons behind that)

He doesn't seem to have thought of anything really (no surprise there), so it's something we'll need to talk about

Look being blunt OP, no you don't need to talk about what he's going to do. What YOU need to do is get financial and legal advice first thing tomorrow. "Us" from here on in covers you and the kids, do what is best for you from now on, he has opted out of that. As much as this may hurt you he wants no part of that unit. He is steps ahead of you, he knew going in to counseling he didn't want to stay and by him cooking a family meal, playing with you and the kids he is head wrecking you and giving you false hope. I'm sorry but it's time to start being tough, no matter how it may break your heart right now. Don't be surprised if a new woman pops up in his life very soon.

Your kids will be just fine. I wish my dad had guts to leave early and not to wait until I am out of the house and adult. OP, why do you want to be stuck in unhappy marriage with no intimacy? Just for pension properties?

Speaking from very similar experience, I think you need to behave as though there is someone else on the scene, even if you don't feel that's the case. He's no longer your teammate, sadly.

Protect your assets in any way you can through getting decent legal support. It's worth every penny and kept us out of court in the end.

What days/ weekends is he having the DCs. He's leaving but seems to forget he has 3 DCs he is jointly responsible for, which days is he caring for them and where will they stay?
Don't let him walk out on responsibilities.

Ugh another middle aged selfish man following the script.

You say he has ADHD.Has he actually done anything to help himself with this?;im guessing he was diagnosed because he was referred to a psychiatrist and he was originally referred due to ongoing depression/MH issues?

I've lived through this with my DH.He is selfish,careless and thoughtless.He's alway been this way.I have to do all of the childcare,houses work and carry the mental load;he's useless at any of it because he just doesn't think outside of his own needs;I quite literally have to spell out what needs doing and then ask him to do it followed usually by repeated requests to get him to do it.He just hasn't grown up.

We nearly split up as he was spending a lot of time with much younger childless friends and fancied that sort of lifestyle but we saw a counsellor who pointed out to him he wasn't 10 years younger and childless and there lifestyle isn't actually that great and it was a fantasy.

My DH did at least seek some actual help and has had CBT which has helped a lot;he's still selfish,thoughtless and careless but in a different way;more of a it's just a pain in the arse kind of way than a we can't live like this kind of way.Things are vastly improved.

Your DH thinks that ending your marriage will somehow absolve him of the responsibilities of adult life.He's probably going to get a huge shock when he realises that he has to now do everything himself.There's a thread on here called John learns to adult which describes this.He's basically running away from his issues and I suspect he sees his friends who have left their families as happy but I'd put money on them actually being miserable.

I wouldn't bother trying to entice him to come home;have a good think about your life with him;is it really that good?;what does he bring to your life other than money and being another adult who's there?;are you actually scared of being without him or simply scared of being lonely?

If you've not already please make an appointment with a solicitor;knowing where you stand legally among all of this would be very helpful to you.

You have to collect some strength from somewhere OP. Whilst you’re not doing anything, he is getting everything sorted - probably getting all finances how he wants them to appear. He will see your weakness and will be confident that he can create situations to his advantage. You need to familiarise yourself with all your finances, and quickly. You getting strong will also help your DCs. They will be upset and feeling vulnerable and will be looking to you to be the strong parent, the one they can look to to make things right. Don’t trust him, don’t believe anything he says. He’s not your friend, and will look after his own interests, not yours.

He's not a bad person. He's incredibly frustrating to live with (I now realise due to his adhd), but he has plenty of good qualities and I do sill love him.

To the questions about do I just want to not be alone or is it just about a pension - absolutely not, but that is the area it's easiest to focus on as it's the only thing that I have any control over. He is going to leave and it is breaking my heart.

He is being a coward about it now though. I can't go on in this limbo. It's making me ill. I'm going to have to tell him today that as he has made up his mind he doesn't want to be with me then he is going to have to tell the kids. He can't hide away in another flat without a word to them leaving me to make excuses. I can't sleep or eat, have been sick, am shaking.

Sending a virtual hug. You can do this!! Baby steps. As you take more steps you’ll get stronger. I know you will!! 🌻

He needs to leave permanently so that you can settle into this new life, or you are going to become ill, and your kids need you well.
You tell the kids if that’s easier. You are in control now, you do what’s best for you and your kids.
He sorts himself out.

He can't hide away in another flat without a word to them leaving me to make excuses.

Don't make excuses - just say Daddy wants to live on his own and you are very sad.

All the mystery - they probably think you've chucked him out or that he has cancer and is away being treated.