Would you date a man who

[curiouscat1]

Would you date a man whose wife had divorced him because of adultery with prostitutes?

I'd say either of these two things are the case:

• she just doesn't know. She might have been told it but just not believe it. He could well have told her that his wife is crazy.

• she thinks it's better that he went to a prostitute than had an affair. She thinks there's nothing to worry about - if he was with her there'd be no need for a prostitute as she would always want to have sex with him, completely misunderstanding why so many men go to a prostitute.

@curiouscat1

So a straw poll (!) of mumsnetters reveals that nobody would date this man. Now the question is, why then would a woman be dating such a man a few weeks after the wife left? Scenarios have been put forward as to how this might occur but these really only work with a totally new woman. This is a woman who the man knew before the divorce, I think the wife knows of her too, and both come from a close-knit community.

Perhaps he has convinced her his ex wife made it up. Or that he was lonely and only went for company. Or that his wife wouldn't have sex and he thought it better than an affair. Or perhaps she doesn't see prostitution as exploitative. Perhaps she believes that prostitutes do their jobs from choice, and are empowered and happy. Or maybe she doesn't care about other women as long as she's ok, and he treats her well. Or perhaps she thinks she is superior to his ex wife so he wouldn't need to do it to her. Or maybe she wouldn't mind him doing it because she believes that men have 'needs' that 'nice' women don't want to meet. Or perhaps she thinks she is terribly liberated and cool and to condem it would make her 'insecure' and 'controlling'.

@curiouscat1

What alternative explanation is there to buying sex OP?

He went in and paid a woman for access to her body. What other explanations would be needed?

He sees women as a product to purchase and consume. This shows he has no respect for women.

There is no excuse, explanation or good reason to pay someone for sex.

Most pp have said no we would not date a man who pays prostitutes for sex. Most women find it repulsive, and yet by your question about if there is an explanation leads me to believe that you are looking for and wanting some sort of approval.

There is literally no valid excuse for participating in the exploitation and contributing to the sex trafficking industry.

Could there be an alternative explanation though?

Yes there are many explanations.

She thinks she can change him
She doesn’t understand that men who use prositutes should be avoided
She has very low self esteem
She doesn’t know he’s used them
Etc etc.

Just spit is out OP. What's your theory?

@curiouscat1

Could there be an alternative explanation though?

Alternative explanation to what?

Why the new woman is dating him?

She either doesn't know, (because he's told her something else, or that the crazy wife came up with the "prostitute story" and she's bought into that lie)

Or, she has very low standards. Some women romanticise and date death row convicts. Like PP says, there are some people just so desperate to have a partner, they don't care what form that partner comes in.

The wife (who may not feel like it at this second in time) is the absolute winner in this scenario. Rid of that.

It out!

Why then would a woman be dating such a man a few weeks after the wife left?

It's possible she think's she can change him and wants to be the person who does so. I have heard of women/men deliberately dating someone who has done something terrible (criminals etc) as they want the challenge of being that amazing person who manages to turn the person around and change their ways.

All I know is that for ages before the divorce, this new woman and the man knew one another and used to chat quite a bit and they were pally. The man's marriage seemed solid, the wife always seemed happy. I don;t think wife was friends at all with this other woman though. This is all before the pandemic. I don't know what happened during lockdown. Man seemed happy during lockdown, from WhatsApp group chats, he seemed normal.

Then a short time after the last lockdown the wife is suddenly divorcing him on the grounds of adultery. He says he paid for sex with escorts and that's why she's left. I was gobsmacked.
4 to 6 weeks after the wife goes, he and this woman appear to be dating.

Without knowing what the new woman knows about his divorce we can't say for sure that she knows all the details, therefore maybe she thinks his wife was to blame for the split, maybe that's what he's told her. If she knows all the reasons then I'm surprised that she'd want to be with him because in all likelihood he'll pay for sex again.

Are you thinking that this new woman and the man were already having an affair and the prostitute thing is a 'cover story' so people won't think he was having an affair in case the wife cites adultery in the divorce? I suppose that's entirely possible.

Although why he'd think people would find using prostitutes 'more acceptable' than 'run of the mill' adultery is beyond me.

He says he paid for sex with escorts and that's why she's left. I was gobsmacked.

He said this. To who as an audience?

In which case, as he seems to be admitting this, I would predict he's going along the lines of:

"My wife was awful behind closed doors. Berating me, belittling me. Wanted no intimacy. Argued with me every time we spoke.

I ended up turning to escorts to fill this emotional and physical void. She found out 6 weeks ago, and left. It was over months ago though."

Now, for all you know that could all be true. You don't know what happened behind closed doors. She could have been appalling. He could have been appalling. However, I suspect it's been sold to the new woman as poor him, neglected by his wife and having to turn to escorts. And she's rather tragically agreed what a poor thing he is.

The pair of them will look like a laughing stock. He's gone from marriage to escorts to be girlfriend in 5 weeks. She's the daft bugger who's jumped to "save" him. I don't know who looks more ridiculous. And that's exactly how everyone will be viewing them.

@AcrossthePond55

Are you thinking that this new woman and the man were already having an affair and the prostitute thing is a 'cover story' so people won't think he was having an affair in case the wife cites adultery in the divorce? I suppose that's entirely possible.

Although why he'd think people would find using prostitutes 'more acceptable' than 'run of the mill' adultery is beyond me.

Yes, after talking to my colleague we think this might be it. I don;t want to out myself as there could be financial implications.

Why are you writing in the third person?

@MrsTerryPratchett

I believe prostitution lacks proper consent. Which means he enjoys sex with someone he knows isn't enjoying it and wouldn't be doing it if she wasn't paid. As far as I'm concerned that makes him a rapist.

Many sex workers are trafficked, addicted and suffer(ed) abuse. I know because I've known many many sex workers. Men don't ask. Ever. They are happy with the risk that they are contributing to the systematic rape of a trafficked woman.

Personally I wouldn't knowingly speak to a punter never mind date one.

Exactly how I feel - would no sooner entertain a man who had raped a woman using money than raped one using physical force.

Do you really need to ask?

If I state specifics there is a chance I could be identified and that would be potentially very bad. I can say that there is a business involved and that a person close to me saw the wife recently and said it appears that she has come off worse financially at the moment. I personally think a divorce would result in financial loss to her. I think she needs a heads-up.

No

@curiouscat1

If I state specifics there is a chance I could be identified and that would be potentially very bad. I can say that there is a business involved and that a person close to me saw the wife recently and said it appears that she has come off worse financially at the moment. I personally think a divorce would result in financial loss to her. I think she needs a heads-up.

I don't see how it's linked. The court isn't going to say 'oh gosh! It was an affair, not prostitutes so we'll give his wife a better settlement...'

I'm not talking about a divorce settlement. A settlement would no doubt give her 50%. I'm talking about no divorce at all. Then she keeps her business position moving forward.

No bloody way

@curiouscat1

I'm not talking about a divorce settlement. A settlement would no doubt give her 50%. I'm talking about no divorce at all. Then she keeps her business position moving forward.

Well she doesn't have to divorce him for an affair either if she doesn't want to. Theres no difference in grounds for divorce between affairs and prostitutes so I don't see as it matters. Unless you think having another woman will prompt him to divorce her? If so why wouldn't he have just said that rather than lie about prostitutes?

Maybe the new woman was the prostitute and she's been upgraded to girlfriend. You're far too invested in other people's lives, if you're neither of the woman.

So do you think the wife shouldn't divorce him?

As for why a woman would be dating a cheater, people have been known to date serial killers and people in prison.

The only thing that will matter in divorcing him is having a SHL and a SH forensic accountant.

Wasn't there a thread recently about someone dating a man who had cheated on his ex wife lots and the reason he had cheated was that he didn't want to hurt his wife by ending their marriage and he knew if he said he wanted to end it she would want to try working at the marriage?

Give someone a good enough reason and they'll divorce you won't they?