Leaving over marriage and kids

[Ijjstdontknow]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could weigh in with some advice on my situation. I’m not sure if I need to give my head a wobble or not.

Current situation is me and DP are both 25 and have been together coming up to 3 years. Have lived together for two. Have discussed marriage and kids before and agreed it’s something we would both like, DP pretty insistent he wants to get married before having kids.

My predicament is this: I have stage 4 endometriosis for which I have been waiting a full excision for almost 18 months. This has obviously been delayed massively due to COVID. Because of the intensity of my Endo, even though they have removed a lot of it once I have a lot of scar tissue. I know that this will make it harder for me to conceive. This means I would like to have kids sooner rather than later, DP knows this and it’s something we have discussed in detail before.

I fully thought we were on the same page until last night when we were discussing our friends who recently got married. I made a jokey comment about when were we getting married and he replied “when we can afford it” I was a bit ? So questioned this and then he said hopefully it’s doable in the next few years.

I’m really upset about this and I don’t know what to do. If we don’t think about marriage until the next few years and then kids after that it will be considerably harder for me to have them. I also have a chronic condition that would not make me the ideal candidate for IVF, and it also means that the older I get it will probably be harder for my body to physically carry a baby.

I know we are very young but I just feel like my internal clock is screaming at me and I don’t know what to do. We are tied into a tenancy agreement that has 6 months left and before we looked for somewhere else this was a conversation I was going to have with him because if we signed on for another 12 months I would be nearly 27 coming out of that and I’d definitely want to know we’d be making some progression by then.

I obviously know that I can’t make him do what I want and if I did that would be a recipe for disaster. But I also need to do what’s best for myself. If I left him and didn’t meet someone and couldn’t have kids at least that would be my own choice. I don’t want to end up resenting him. I don’t know if I should wait until our tenancy end date is nearer and have a serious conversation with him (and see what happens in the mean time) or just tell him we’re clearly not on the same page and rip the plaster off now.

For context we both have secure stable jobs, his more so as it is government in a position where they are crying out for more staff. Combined we have about 7k in cash savings and a similar amount in ISAs. We could save more if we wanted to but we just send over a set amount to savings every month. We have no debts and both drive. We currently live in a city (not London) but pay premium rent. When this tenancy ends we were discussing moving out of the city and into a house where our rent would drop a considerable amount meaning we could put more into ISAs to buy.

What does he say when you tell him all of this? Especially that your medical conditions mean that time isn't as plentiful as it may be otherwise? Would you be happy with a very small wedding as you have more than enough in savings for that already.

I would move out and start rebuilding your life without him in it. Show him the meaning of losing you. Rip the plaster off now.

All this, "when we can afford it" re marriage is a red herring; he does not want being married to you. Such men really do not want to share.

So you can afford marriage but he’s not ready or doesn’t want to and is using finances as a cover ?

I wouldn't panic over this comment - it sounds like he is very committed to a future with you. I suspect he may just not really understand the medical issues that you have. He may also have meant "within the next few years", i.e. in a year or two.

I think it's worth talking it out with him before jumping to conclusions

He can have three of four things: kids, you, expensive wedding, marriage before kids, but has to think about which he is willing to compromise on. Three out of four is really not so bad. It might help to spell out the options:

Marriage first, kids, you, but not an expensive wedding

Expensive wedding, marriage first, you then highly unlikely to have kids (especially if you've spent potential funds on a wedding)

Etc.

It probably feels more real to you as you're the one with symptoms and medical appointments. I would keep trying to talk to him rather than write the relationship off.

When I discussed the not affording it he hit back with “oh I didn’t know that you paid for it as and when I thought you paid everything up front so thought we’d have to save up” but then he went on to say within the next few years. I don’t want a particularly big wedding.

I know I need to talk to him when we get home from work but I don’t want to be giving him an ultimatum.

You need to work out of his financial concerns are genuine/why he thinks you can’t afford it and if this is his only objection.

I have no time for excuses about being able to afford to get married, you can cut your cloth accordingly.

Equally though, I think these days 25 is quite young to get married and getting married in a few years, children maybe a couple of years afterwards, does not seem like he is being particularly unreasonable or mean that he must be one of those men that will drag their heels for years and years.

If you hadn’t met anyone by the age of 25 (and many have not) I don’t think anyone would be telling you that you were running out of time just yet.

Could you suggest doing a legal marriage now and then a celebration later? His response to that will tell you whether it's just that he doesn't actually want to get married yet.

If you do leave, there's no guarantee you'll have children anyway, but it seems like it's the lack of commitment that's the issue here.

I would rip the plaster off now. It doesn’t sound like he’s properly committed to the idea of marriage and children with you and to make you wait like that sounds quite controlling to me. Telling you that it’s about money is just an excuse.

I would ask him what sort of wedding he wants and what sort of wedding he thinks you want. The marriage is the important bit, so if the wedding has to be low key to keep in budget, then surely he can see its sensible - if he actually wants to marry.

FWIW we had a lovely wedding with all the little extras; we kept the guest list small and the venue sensible. It cost 3k. And it wasnt long enough ago to say that "things were cheaper back then".

Go on your council website and check the cost of registry office ceremonies, when I checked mine it was around 250 pounds, cheaper on weekdays. Physically show him the cost and see how he reacts.

What did he say when you said "I’m really upset about this and I don’t know what to do. If we don’t think about marriage until the next few years and then kids after that it will be considerably harder for me to have them. I also have a chronic condition that would not make me the ideal candidate for IVF, and it also means that the older I get it will probably be harder for my body to physically carry a baby"?

He does need to realise you have no time to spare. My dh had a similar moment. My consultant explained it successfully

From the second post it sounds as though "when we can afford it" refers purely to a wedding, not to being able to afford to have children, or a fixed determination to own a house before getting married, is that the case?

If so you most certainly can already afford a wedding (an average wedding with a reception if that's what you both particularly want, not just a no frills one to be married, which only costs a few hundred pounds maximum).

I think you’re being very hard on him. You need to sit him down and say you don’t care about a lavish wedding and would like to get married in the next year, and try for children after that.
See what he says.
If he can’t commit to a timetable then yes I’d consider ending the relationship. As hard as that would be.
However, give him chance. You are very young. Let him say what he thinks is a reasonable timetable. If he says 18 months to a wedding you still have plenty of time for babies?

@SleepingStandingUp

What did he say when you said "I’m really upset about this and I don’t know what to do. If we don’t think about marriage until the next few years and then kids after that it will be considerably harder for me to have them. I also have a chronic condition that would not make me the ideal candidate for IVF, and it also means that the older I get it will probably be harder for my body to physically carry a baby"?

He apologised if he came across as rude and said he knows that’s something I want and it’s something he wants too but not right now as in this minute. He also said it’s something he has been thinking about recently but I was really upset at that point so I’m not sure if he just said that.

My issue is I just don’t know when that is? It’s just met with “at some point” or “soon”. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to give me an actual date, I don’t want to nag him into something. I know he probably feels like he’s young, but I’m very aware of what my body is doing.

@Ijjstdontknow to be fair he sounds like he just doesn't want any of that stuff yet. You need to decide whether you're ok with that or not.

To answer your question though - you've nothing to lose and it's in both your interests to have the serious conversation without any guessing, assuming or avoiding issues now.

Its absolutely not a matter of trying to force or persuade, but of being crystal clear so that neither of you are drifting into something that you don't want, nor wasting time second guessing the other or hoping that somehow time passing will cause the other to drift the way you want.

Just have the conversation in full, so you both understand the situation and your concrete plans by the end of the conversation.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

From the second post it sounds as though "when we can afford it" refers purely to a wedding, not to being able to afford to have children, or a fixed determination to own a house before getting married, is that the case?

If so you most certainly can already afford a wedding (an average wedding with a reception if that's what you both particularly want, not just a no frills one to be married, which only costs a few hundred pounds maximum).

Yes a wedding. We were purely talking about marriage at this point. Then I got upset because he said marriage in a few years (didn’t explain if to get married or he wanted to discuss it then) by which time I would probably be late 20’s early 30’s looking at getting pregnant and I don’t know what the chances of getting pregnant successfully would be then. I was honestly under the impression from previous talks that the ball would be rolling next year.

So it doesn’t sound like it is just financial then.

It sounds like he is simply not ready. He might be in a few years or he may never be.

You’ll have to work out if you can wait that long or even wait at all.

You need to agree on a timescale. Otherwise he could drag it out indefinitely.

Also to add I know it’s not advised on here but I would be happy to have kids before marriage, especially because I know the longer I leave it the harder it will be. It’s my DP who’s adamant he wants marriage before kids.

I agree, I know lots of people who had kids then got married, with no issue. Especially if you own a home jointly and both work.

Could you price up a small wedding and show him the costs?

I think you and he need to have a talk.
When did you anticipate getting married? I take is sooner than 'the next few years' - so this year, next year, the year after?
I think you need to talk about your medical condition, and the impact it will have on getting pregnant. I wouldn't have thought, and perhaps he thinks this too, that a couple of years' delay at your young age would make much of a difference - but I am speaking in complete ignorance and maybe it will make a huge difference.

A major issue is his commitment - why does he want to wait? does he feel he's too young for marriage and kids? Honestly the cost of the wedding is, to me, a red herring, you can have a lovely wedding with the amount you have in savings, or less.