Leaving over marriage and kids

[Ijjstdontknow]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could weigh in with some advice on my situation. I’m not sure if I need to give my head a wobble or not.

Current situation is me and DP are both 25 and have been together coming up to 3 years. Have lived together for two. Have discussed marriage and kids before and agreed it’s something we would both like, DP pretty insistent he wants to get married before having kids.

My predicament is this: I have stage 4 endometriosis for which I have been waiting a full excision for almost 18 months. This has obviously been delayed massively due to COVID. Because of the intensity of my Endo, even though they have removed a lot of it once I have a lot of scar tissue. I know that this will make it harder for me to conceive. This means I would like to have kids sooner rather than later, DP knows this and it’s something we have discussed in detail before.

I fully thought we were on the same page until last night when we were discussing our friends who recently got married. I made a jokey comment about when were we getting married and he replied “when we can afford it” I was a bit ? So questioned this and then he said hopefully it’s doable in the next few years.

I’m really upset about this and I don’t know what to do. If we don’t think about marriage until the next few years and then kids after that it will be considerably harder for me to have them. I also have a chronic condition that would not make me the ideal candidate for IVF, and it also means that the older I get it will probably be harder for my body to physically carry a baby.

I know we are very young but I just feel like my internal clock is screaming at me and I don’t know what to do. We are tied into a tenancy agreement that has 6 months left and before we looked for somewhere else this was a conversation I was going to have with him because if we signed on for another 12 months I would be nearly 27 coming out of that and I’d definitely want to know we’d be making some progression by then.

I obviously know that I can’t make him do what I want and if I did that would be a recipe for disaster. But I also need to do what’s best for myself. If I left him and didn’t meet someone and couldn’t have kids at least that would be my own choice. I don’t want to end up resenting him. I don’t know if I should wait until our tenancy end date is nearer and have a serious conversation with him (and see what happens in the mean time) or just tell him we’re clearly not on the same page and rip the plaster off now.

For context we both have secure stable jobs, his more so as it is government in a position where they are crying out for more staff. Combined we have about 7k in cash savings and a similar amount in ISAs. We could save more if we wanted to but we just send over a set amount to savings every month. We have no debts and both drive. We currently live in a city (not London) but pay premium rent. When this tenancy ends we were discussing moving out of the city and into a house where our rent would drop a considerable amount meaning we could put more into ISAs to buy.

Go to a registry office, you can have a formal wedding party later.
You need to tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t want children yet then you’ll have to walk away.

Thanks everyone. You’ve helped me to be able to see both sides a bit clearer. I was very upset last night and this morning. I think my upset triggered me into thinking I had to instantly break up with him. I’m going to have a chat with him tonight and see exactly what he means. I also think I’ll stick to my original time line of about April and see where his head is at then. I’m not prepared to sign on to another 12 month tenancy and be approaching 27 in the same situation.

I do wonder if it’s because he thinks I want an extravagant wedding because admittedly I do like nice things. I also wonder if he’s thinking our quality of life will be effected. We are not poor or struggling for money. We have a nice quality of life. We run a nice car, go for dinner when we want, wear nice clothes, don’t have to compromise when we want to buy something. However, as I said we aren’t actively saving and if we were to sit down and say it’s time to properly save for a house, a wedding or anything else we would have to cut back. But like I have previously said once we move out of the city as planned we will probably save around £400 a month on rent and a bit more on council tax as that is also expensive.

I know people are saying we’re very young but his best friend is married, mine is married with a 4 year old and my other best friend is engaged with a baby so it’s not unusual in our circle and we’re all the same age. I think that’s probably what’s upsetting me too. I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s hard. I spent 5 years in uni so ideally I would like to spend a few years building up my career and then settling down but I am very aware of the time constraint. In response to posters asking if I’m prioritising a baby over him I guess I am. If we were trying and it never happened I would be perfectly happy with our life but I am worried if he made me wait 5 years and it was too late I would resent him.

Would he be open to a compromise I wonder? I'm thinking you and him getting married on a long weekend away somewhere nice, registry office 2 witnesses.
Then, you can start your 18 months of trying to conceive (for an IVF referral if need be)
During those 18 months, plan a "wedding" for your 1 year anniversary, if you fall pregnant push it back to the second year anniversary for you and your families to celebrate.
It would keep you busy to plan it whilst trying for a baby and means he gets his wish of marriage, you get yours of trying for a baby sooner rather than later (and to speed up the wait if you need help) and there's still a wedding.. just an idea. 25 and feel similarly to you, I have a long term physical health condition, I need to be a mother (it's like a burning desire inside of me), and I left my partner of 6 years because he just wasn't ready, kept pushing me back "next year" was a common phrase, and this year I just said enough. I am now looking into going it alone. So yes, I get it, 25 is young, but not when your health is terrible (and in my case a strong family history of menopause in 30's to contend with too!)

I think marriage and kids is a lot for a 25year old bloke to wrap his head around. You feel different cause you’ve got a clock ticking but I’m not sure men really feel that even if you’re logically telling them

Lots of me become fathers in their 20s

*men

@ANameChangeAgain

I think it sounds as though he just isn't there yet. He knows that marriage will lead to talk of babies quite quickly and isn't ready for that. It isn't his fault for wanting a slower pace, and it isn't your fault for needing a faster pace. You just have to work out whether waiting for his timescale is worth the risk to your prospects of a future family.

Exactly. I mean, there’s no way I would have agreed to have a child at 25, under any circumstances, because that would have wrecked my life. You clearly feel that not having one would be equally disastrous. Neither position is wrong, but as the one whose wish is for the faster pace, it’s your call to decide whether you can wait for him, or not.

I really think you should get a proper opinion fr a fertility specialist. My friend is 42 and just got pregnant after terrible endo. Which means nothing for you - but I get the sense your might be making a lot of assumptions about your health and panicking

@FFSFFSFFS

I really think you should get a proper opinion fr a fertility specialist. My friend is 42 and just got pregnant after terrible endo. Which means nothing for you - but I get the sense your might be making a lot of assumptions about your health and panicking

As I said before our referral got declined because we aren’t actively trying. They said they will accept it once we’ve been trying for 18 months. But it’s a two year waiting list on top of that. But realistically there’s nothing they can do anyway until we’re ready for a baby. My blood tests all come back fine. It’s that my Fallopian tubes are so scarred that it’s been confirmed by two gynaecologists that they think I’ll have difficulty conceiving but nobody really knows until we start trying. Due to the nature of my chronic illness I’m not an ideal candidate for IVF if that’s what’s needed but we don’t know 100% until the referral for that is made as it’s at the local services discretion.

I mean, there’s no way I would have agreed to have a child at 25, under any circumstances, because that would have wrecked my life.

I don’t want a child at aged 25. I have never said that. My issue is he’s said he wanted to get married before having children which I’ve agreed to and I thought that that would come soon ish (as in we’d talk about planning it next year). But last nights comment said we’d be getting married in a few years and then kids after it, after everything we’ve talked about. That’s the issue.

I can see your concern and I would be considering kids now if I were you OP. Have you spoken about how many kids you would like? It sounds like you have not made it clear to your DP.

I think you need to be clear and discuss a time frame.

It's all excuses, you can get married in a registry office for £100 or whatever it is these days.
He should not be the one making all the decisions, however it seems that he is.
I think if you pay all of this before him and say your piece and you still get some excuse then leave. He is obviously in no hurry and you'll need to move on quickly.

@LifeIsTricky

Would he be open to a compromise I wonder? I'm thinking you and him getting married on a long weekend away somewhere nice, registry office 2 witnesses. Then, you can start your 18 months of trying to conceive (for an IVF referral if need be) During those 18 months, plan a "wedding" for your 1 year anniversary, if you fall pregnant push it back to the second year anniversary for you and your families to celebrate. It would keep you busy to plan it whilst trying for a baby and means he gets his wish of marriage, you get yours of trying for a baby sooner rather than later (and to speed up the wait if you need help) and there's still a wedding.. just an idea. 25 and feel similarly to you, I have a long term physical health condition, I need to be a mother (it's like a burning desire inside of me), and I left my partner of 6 years because he just wasn't ready, kept pushing me back "next year" was a common phrase, and this year I just said enough. I am now looking into going it alone. So yes, I get it, 25 is young, but not when your health is terrible (and in my case a strong family history of menopause in 30's to contend with too!)

Just to give you the flip of motherhood 25 is young but it's not as young as you think. By the time you conceive and carry a baby for 9 months I think it's a good age. There's a lot to be said for being a young mum too energy wise!

I had my DS just before turning 24. It did not wreck my life in any way! Good luck with your journey

Is he quite traditional? I wonder if he is more practical and worries about money. You still rent, weddings, IVF and children cost, and if you have kids will you be a SAHP for a while?
That's quite a lot for most 25 year old's. When I was that age I did want marriage kids and a house in the future. I was quite driven by owning a house and weddings and kids made it a lot harder.

Hopefully you can have an honest discussion with both of you able to talk about your points of view and understand each others.

There is a simple soloution. Book a midweek ceremony with either two stranger witnesses and don't tell a soul.. cost about £120 all in.

Or just parents and siblings.
Crack on with the baby making.

Save up for the big wedding over the next couple of years and have a blessing. No one will know the difference.

Please please do NOT do what so many crazy women do .. and have kids without being married . It's the road to impoverishment/lack of options for a woman.

So what happened OP, did you talk to him tonight and if so, how did it go?

Hey, he could be planning to propose at Christmas/New Year. He knows what you want. You've had a talk. I'd let it be - particularly at this time of year- you have Christmas and New Year and Valentines day coming up! Good to give a little nod to the timeframes about when you want to start family planning, but not the proposal/wedding. Let him figure out how he wants to propose to you. The more you push him the longer it might take because you could be inadvertently ruining the surprise.

As long as he's sort of said - hey we're on the same page and I hear you about the fertility then I think you have to trust him, right? Unless you have genuine reasons to think he might be stringing you along xx

I would leave the money side out of it, it's clearly not the real reason. He just doesn't want to marry or have children right now, which to be fair, is how most men his age feel. So this isn't your usual case of a 40 year old guy in a ten year long relationship making excuses.

However understandable that might be though it doesn't change things for you. The reason he isn't worried is that he knows, maybe subconsciously, that he can let years pass and if kids don't happen for whatever reason, he can easily find a new younger partner and have them in 15 years time. So I am not sure what the solution is here. A compromise of waiting 1-2 years seems fair.

The issue is if you start trying and you don’t have any problems then you need to agree you’re both ready to have a child within the next year which he doesn’t sound like he is.

My partner and I had been together for 6 years when we were 25. No health issues but I wanted to get engaged, he wasn’t ready. We split up at 28 after neither of us could agree on the next step. I wanted to start thinking about getting pregnant, he didn’t.

I met married and had my daughter by 30. But the experience taught me to be extremely honest about what I wanted with partners. It’s fine to want a baby at 25 but if he doesn’t that’s his choice too.

A lot of people will say 25 is young by today’s societal standards, but I think you’re being very sensible given your situation and your personal desire to have children. You’re not suggesting you both have children now, you’re suggesting you need to start taking the appropriate steps so that you’ll be ready to have a baby in the next few years .

Just remember too that in order to have a baby the situation doesn’t need to be #perfect. There are things you can sort out while pregnant, young children don’t need their own rooms and so on- I speak from experience. Although that sounds more like his issue than yours, maybe he needs a reality check? Your feelings matter and if he’s agreed to settle down with you then moving things along by, say 2 years, isn’t much of a big ask.

You've already had the conversation and it didn't go how you thought. No point having the conversation again. He knows how you feel and always did. He's stringing you along. Marriage doesn't need to be a "public performance" event, so the cost excuse is just that. He's not making any plans to marry you otherwise it'd have been something like "he's thought about it and done the maths and by 3yrs time you could have the wedding of his dreams, so here's an engagement ring and shall we book a venue?" So basically it's all vague bullshit. As is the wanting to be married first. He has nothing to gain by being married first, unlike you. Him saying that is just a way to stop you mentioning kids. He doesn't want a baby. But he does want you, so he's not going to tell you that because he knows you'll be gone . Sorry OP.

I'd break up now so you're more emotionally ready to move on when you move out. You're not "so young", that's a modern nonsense, people frequently used to be married with kids by 25. 20s is your best fertility years, old enough mentally to cope with the demands of children, with a fully developed body (unlike a teenager still growing and filling out), as fit and healthy as you'll ever be (without having to work at it) and with a job so can afford a child. It's the perfect time. Go live your dream.

I can't believe that anyone is finding fault with the op's partner. He's only 25 years old, he is simply not ready for marriage or children. FFS. Regardless of the op's medical issues, that doesn't mean he should jump into something he's not ready to commit to.

I never understood all these people (or the men themselves) who say fully grown men are not ready for marriage, yet not question why the same man is very much ready enough to be having sex with the woman, living with her, sharing lifestyle/finances and benefitting from the woman giving them emotional and household support
Marriage incorporates all of these things apart from legal commitment. Therefore a man who says he's not "ready" yet and delays commitment but more than happy to enjoy all these relationship benefits, simply means he wants to keep his options open for another woman in the future or wants to avoid the natural responsibility he should have towards you considering you're apparently meant to be sharing the rest of your lives together, which is frankly deeply insulting and disrespectful and you deserve so much more than this @Ijjstdontknow.

Up until very very recently in human history most men by age 25 were married with kids and even are sole financial providers for their families (marriage pre 25 is still very common in many parts of the world). A 25 yo is a fully grown MAN, not a boy. There's no reason whatsoever agewise he shouldn't be ready for marriage and kids when hes already benefitting from a pseudo marriage with her and they have steady jobs. They're already in a better position to have kids than 70% of people on this planet.

That should say "Marriage incorporates all of these things PLUS legal commitment."

I know the OP says boyfriend wants marriage but his words don't match up with his time stalling.
Regardless of your own financial postion OP, I would caution not to have a baby with someone who hasn't committed to you and the baby via marriage. If you're not married you're both legally single people and psychologically for men, marriage matters, otherwise he wouldn't be dragging his feet to marry you in the first place.

@Aquamarine1029

I can't believe that anyone is finding fault with the op's partner. He's only 25 years old, he is simply not ready for marriage or children. FFS. Regardless of the op's medical issues, that doesn't mean he should jump into something he's not ready to commit to.

The fault is he's not been honest with OP and still isn't. She wants DC, sooner rather than later, she checked they were on the same page before committing to another year of tenancy with him. He misled her. He's still misleading her. Her fertility has a time limit, which makes him an arsehole for doing this to her.