AIBU? DH and checking up on OW after a few years

[roundheresince2010]

I'm a long time poster. Changed name. I really can't see the wood for the trees today and feel gut punched.

Several years ago, DH had an affair with a woman at work. He ended it and we worked it out.

I thought things were ok between us and we moved on.

A few weeks ago, he used my phone to log into an app we all use as a family. I think it required a google log in or similar, anyway, it turned out that I could then see googling history when I used google my phone.

At first I didn't think to mention it - it was insignificant and got lost in the daily life stuff. Then I saw a name from the past appear. OW is a dancer and some of her competition entries are online. This had been goggled several times.

I tried to be measured about it and thought, ok,curiosity can get the better of us all. It was a quick bit of google nosiness.

I told myself that if the search appeared again, I'd confront DH.

So of course, it did, and it appears theres an extensive, repeated googling of this woman although I can't say/do t have any way of telling if any personal contact has been made.

I said to DH today. "I guess you're not aware but I can see your google history when you logged on for DS' app"

He immediately said 'I shouldn't have done that' and logged out from my phone with my permission.

I'm really upset. He did apologies and said no other contact had been made and he's so happy with our marriage/life.

AIBU to think a happy man doesn't google an affair partner to this extent without reason? AIBU to think it's shitty behaviour? I think it's a deal breaker for
Me but I can't ask anyone in real life. The last affair (I'm not saying this is) caused a lot of family and friends to really dislike DH so confiding in anyone will increase this and I feel disloyal airing this to people we know.

Gah. What a mess.

Well it doesn't suggest she's still interested in him but It would appear to suggest he still carries a torch for her. He wouldn't be interested otherwise so clearly he still has feelings.

Sounds like he is still obsessed by her.

How dare he tell you what you should or should not have done. When people are betrayed it's only natural they are going to become hypervigilant. In your case it's not even hypervigilance, you just noticed something courtesy of Google. (As I am sure you are aware, the info you can collect from Google history is staggering).

If be gutted

It’s over op

I think it's hurtful and I understand your upset.

I also know that I can get intrigued and check on exes. I have literally no interest in them. In fact, I hate my exes. I just am nosey.
I also am intrigued to see how random others from my past are doing.

I suppose you would need to know what he is doing with the information.
For example, if he's keeping up with if she came first place, then I can kind of see why but that doesn't make it okay. I just understand the human intrigue.

If it is to find out a contact for her, that's a red flag.

I suggest counselling.

@happinesscherries

I think it's hurtful and I understand your upset.

I also know that I can get intrigued and check on exes. I have literally no interest in them. In fact, I hate my exes. I just am nosey.
I also am intrigued to see how random others from my past are doing.

I suppose you would need to know what he is doing with the information.
For example, if he's keeping up with if she came first place, then I can kind of see why but that doesn't make it okay. I just understand the human intrigue.

If it is to find out a contact for her, that's a red flag.

I suggest counselling.

This is not just an ex though

This is someone that almost brought an end to his marriage

Yeah, kinda what I thought. We all have a bit of a nose, as a one off. I have done this myself, but once usually satisfies any curiosity right?

I don't know what his intentions were, it may have been just nosiness, rather than contact. He claimed he didn't go looking but as she was a work contact, it popped up on his linked in. Having a look at this point is all reasonable I think, it's the repeated googling and perusing different links

I’m not sure I would be be able to tolerate this. Minimum he would need to give up all devices and give me password to all accounts. If he couldn’t, I think I would walk out (but it is easy to say, I haven’t been in this actual situation) - sending sympathies and best wishes. There is no right or wrong - you get to decide.

I also think having a bit of a nose is reasonable and human nature. So it depends what you mean by extensive and repeated googling?

On the bright side, he wouldn’t need to be googling her if they were back in contact so there’s that.

I wouldn't like this at all

Although I do sometimes google exes, not ones who i pine for, or want to be with. Just we were part of each other's lives for a long time and i'm curious. I wouldnt want to get back in contact for fear of creating wrong impression but im curious

@FlorenceWintle

I also think having a bit of a nose is reasonable and human nature. So it depends what you mean by extensive and repeated googling?

On the bright side, he wouldn’t need to be googling her if they were back in contact so there’s that.

Not if she was the OW its not.

Id be livid he should’t even be curious about her if hes serious about what hes got with you OP. Let alone have her pop up on his google search.

As part of the recovery process following an affair, all contact with the previous AP should cease. That should include googling the previous AP and viewing their SM.

I wouldnt like this, and I also wouldnt want the relationship to only last if I had to have full access to and regularly checking of all accounts in the place of trust. At that stage all trust is gone and its no longer an equal relationship

Deal breaker for me. He clearly still thinks about her. It’s extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage.

I would be furious tbh. He had an affair which almost destroyed your marriage. You took him back and yet he still googled his AP.
It suggest that he still has feelings for this woman. As another poster said if it had been an ex partner who he googled that could be seen as someone being nosey or curious, but googling an AP is out of order.
It’s your marriage Op and I think that you are entitled to know why he chose to google his AP.

Forgot to add.
Definitely a dealbreaker for me. I would see it as a betrayal

I’m in reconciliation, if I found out my husband was googling the affair partner I would consider that a huge breach of trust. It would undermine the work we have done to reconcile.

Tbh I’m disgusted by him.

My concern is that with true remorse, he should be so ‘meh’ about her he wouldn’t even consider googling her. He should see her as an absolute enemy of you marriage. As someone who assisted him finding the absolute worse side of himself. This is not just curiosity when it comes to the woman who helped him nearly tear your family apart.

You must feel like you’re back to square one.

How much work has he done? Any reading around this? Counselling?

This isn’t just curiously googling an ex.

This is repeatedly googling someone that, presumably, his relationship with almost ended his marriage.

I think this would be the end for me.

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. He would of have to be texting or calling OW. I know it's not nice for you OP but perhaps he just missed her.

What do you mean ‘the last affair’? You allow him multiple affairs? Either way, he can’t possibly be worth the humiliation of being treated like this.

The last affair (I'm not saying this is) caused a lot of family and friends to really dislike....

That's an odd use of the word 'last'. Do you mean he's had several affairs or just the one with this one woman?

How many google searches was there? I think a curiosity search is ok. Are we talking ten, 50, 100?

Could you see the time of day he was searching? Late at night?

How do you know he hasn't been searching for her to contact her?

I'm assuming he ended it with her because of your marriage, not because he disliked her and it ran its course. He chose you over her, but he still would have had feelings for her to have started something and risk losing you. He probably still does. I would if something ended mid-relationship suddenly. He may just be wondering how she is.

I would ask him outright if he still feels something for her and go from there. You deserve better than that.

You don’t know him.

You don’t know where his head is at.

You didn’t know he was having an affair.

You didn’t know what he was capable of.

You still don’t know what he is capable of.

But you do know his head is not 100% in your marriage.

That’s shattering after you have given him so much.

It would be one thing if it was an ex-girlfriend because everybody does that, but because she was the other woman that makes it a completely different thing.