AIBU? DH and checking up on OW after a few years

[roundheresince2010]

I'm a long time poster. Changed name. I really can't see the wood for the trees today and feel gut punched.

Several years ago, DH had an affair with a woman at work. He ended it and we worked it out.

I thought things were ok between us and we moved on.

A few weeks ago, he used my phone to log into an app we all use as a family. I think it required a google log in or similar, anyway, it turned out that I could then see googling history when I used google my phone.

At first I didn't think to mention it - it was insignificant and got lost in the daily life stuff. Then I saw a name from the past appear. OW is a dancer and some of her competition entries are online. This had been goggled several times.

I tried to be measured about it and thought, ok,curiosity can get the better of us all. It was a quick bit of google nosiness.

I told myself that if the search appeared again, I'd confront DH.

So of course, it did, and it appears theres an extensive, repeated googling of this woman although I can't say/do t have any way of telling if any personal contact has been made.

I said to DH today. "I guess you're not aware but I can see your google history when you logged on for DS' app"

He immediately said 'I shouldn't have done that' and logged out from my phone with my permission.

I'm really upset. He did apologies and said no other contact had been made and he's so happy with our marriage/life.

AIBU to think a happy man doesn't google an affair partner to this extent without reason? AIBU to think it's shitty behaviour? I think it's a deal breaker for
Me but I can't ask anyone in real life. The last affair (I'm not saying this is) caused a lot of family and friends to really dislike DH so confiding in anyone will increase this and I feel disloyal airing this to people we know.

Gah. What a mess.

I'm thinking is games over too. I just wanted to sense check this. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me to be honest.

He's very very sorry and claims it was just curiosity. But he is minimising things a bit "oh it's just a google search"

To clearing he had one affair with one woman. I wrote last as I was unsure whether this googling had lead to a rekindling. Bad choice of words.

I can't tell how often he's checked up. On several occasions over the past few weeks aAFAIK

He was googling during working hours

Honestly OP I wouldn’t take relationship advice from Mumsnet, it will always, always, tell you the relationship is over.

As to his behaviour - clearly he has feelings, but we don’t know what they are. It doesn’t mean he’s obsessed by her, the only thing we know for sure is that he’s curious about her. I google an ex sometimes. He ruined my life and I hate him. He popped up in the press once as having married a minor celeb, and since I saw that in the press, every so often, I google cos I want to see if she’s realised that he’s a total psycho and divorced him. Probably not super healthy of me, but I just mean there are different reasons for googling other than unrequited passion.

The best person to judge the state of your marriage is you, we can’t help. Sorry.

Also googloing for curiosity is doing it once. Not doing several searches again and again...

So he's a serial cheater who googled a past OW on your phone. Well apart from anything else, he's non to tech savvy.

Look It's easy for us on an anonymous forum to say LBT but at the very least the man needs the riot act being read to him. You have nothing to feel disloyal about. You're not breaking any secrets, it's your marriage and just as much your story to tell. Frankly given his history he doesn't get the free pass on checking up on old girlfriends from before you were married.

A very serious discussion is called for and honestly how he re-acts to you calling for this discussion will yield most of the information you need to know if your marriage is on the rocks. Embarrassed and contrite, agreeing to discussion seriously and at length - OK.
Defensive and reluctant - packs his bags and you tell everyone

I said to DH today. "I guess you're not aware but I can see your google history when you logged on for DS' app"

He immediately said 'I shouldn't have done that' and logged out from my phone with my permission.

Interesting that he instantly knew what you were on about from that.

Minimising this shows he has no idea of the damage this has done and the pain this will cause you.

I’d be reading him the riot act and checking out his reaction.

Only you know how much work you’ve both done or whether the damage the affair caused was rugswept (really common). If it was then you could argue he needs to do some serious reading around the damage if affairs and safe behaviours to repair trust. There are great books and sites out there.

If he knew all of this and still googled her then only you know if that’s a boundary crossed for you.

One thing is to google exes. (I'm nosey too and go down rabbit holes sometimes). But if I'd had an affair and my oh had forgiven me, I would make a conscious effort to not even google, out of respect for my oh and because I wouldn't want to go there.

It is not on op and would make me distrust him all over again.

So he's a serial cheater who googled a past OW on your phone.

@DPotter no he hasn't! Read the OP's posts again. You're completely misinterpreting things.

So his first instinct was to log out so that you can’t see what he’s doing rather think that a bit of transparency here might be what you need? Odd

Oh fuck. No, I couldn't get past it. Clearly, he is still interested and thinking of her. I'm sorry OP this would break my heart xx

@JingsMahBucket

I think you'll find it was a cross post after the OP explained her comment about 'the last affair' in her original post.

Still think he needs the riot act reading to him

and is she WERE interested then what ....? That's also part of it .

It’s sound like he’s slightly obsessed with her, carries a torch for her.

@RaisedByPangolins

So his first instinct was to log out so that you can’t see what he’s doing rather think that a bit of transparency here might be what you need? Odd

Yes this. He seems more concerned about you seeing future searches than really dealing with doing it to begin with.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, he is supposed to be showing full dedication to fixing and maintaining your marriage. Even if he hasn’t been in contact, searching shows she is still on his mind

Did he (or he and you) dance as well? I don't think I'd mind the googling necessarily — I often have a nose at the competition results of people I know, as do most of my dancing friends. Less normal if he and/or you don't dance though.

I wouldn't like the way he reacted when you said you could see his searches at all — that would upset me.

Hi Op, Im sorry it upset you, it is understandable it did. Im in the camp "it might be just curiosity" though - Best to have a long conversation with him about it. Maybe in a presence of counsellor so you both have a guidance. It is difficult conversation but after seeing his reactions and hearing explanation you can make final decision. I feel for you, hope it all comes okay for you whatever you decide 💐

The last affair (I'm not saying this is) caused a lot of family and friends to really dislike DH

I like the cut of their jib OP, these are people who love you and don't like you being hurt. These are the people you will need in your life. As for the googling I'm sorry but he still has one foot out and the door and is not committed in the way you would need to recover from infidelity. Everyone has had a sneak peak at an ex online, but that's not what this is, this is him seeking out a situation that previously threatened your marriage. Only you can know what you will tolerate but I think you deserve better.

If he's googling her while at work and it was a work-related relationship, I think it is worth digging into that a bit. Is she still part of his work life or community? It would provoke me to google a bit if I'd heard an ex's name or news about them. Or I might retreat into a bit of maudlin if work was hard and ex represented a happier time there. The latter is more of a worry - not a deal-breaker in itself, but a sign that the marriage needs some TLC.

Is it more concerning that the affair ended years ago and he is repeatedly googling - indicates that he hasn’t got over her / or is preoccupied with her?

Did he ever explain why he felt the need to have an affair OP, just out of interest? Needed his ego stroking, felt bored, neglected…? Often an affair isn’t necessarily about the affair partner as such, but more about how the affair makes them feel… I’m wondering if those original reasons have been ‘resolved’. And just for the record, feeling bored or neglected in my view is no excuse for being deceitful. I’m just interested in what caused him to feel entitled in the first place…

Why is he specifically watching OWs dances online? I wouldn't like that at all. I think it's very different to checking in on Facebook or something out of curiosity. This would make me think he was using the videos like porn.

OW is a dancer and some of her dance competition entries are online.

Dealbreaker. OW is in his head and he is searching for her. If he were truly remorseful and committed to being a safe partner, he would never have done this. He is still showing wayward behavior.

OP, when you say OW’s dance entries are online, do you mean that her videos are available for viewing or that her name is on a competition entry/result list?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply your thoughts. There are some points here that I hadn't even thought of.

@MsDogLady ow's entire dance routines are online to view, rather than her name on a entry form. So it's possible to watch the performance. It's not porny to my knowledge, more like the stuff you see on strictly-neither of us are dancers.

I have to think of my next steps carefully. I feel trampled on a bit. It's not the life I want, constantly wondering what is happening online, I hate living suspiciously and it's brought up all the insecurities I had as a result of the affair.

OP, of course this has triggered you.

It is disturbing to know that your H has been watching OW’s dance videos. What an utter betrayal. Did he download them?

He is still in ‘infidelity mode.’ This would be the end for me.

Googling ex girlfriends is one thing. Googling his ex AP is quite another. This would trigger me massively and I would never be able to believe it was idle curiosity. I would be constantly wondering if he had kept thinking about her, constantly wondering if I hadn’t seen the googling if it would have escalated to contact etc. He seems to think it’s a very minor thing which suggests he never thought much of the pain he put you through, nor understood it. He would have broken the trust he has built completely if this happened to me. It would be the end.

Sorry OP. He’s an idiot at best and presently completely untrustworthy.
Only you can decide if you can live with the doubt and trust issues, but I know I couldn’t.