AIBU? DH and checking up on OW after a few years

[roundheresince2010]

I'm a long time poster. Changed name. I really can't see the wood for the trees today and feel gut punched.

Several years ago, DH had an affair with a woman at work. He ended it and we worked it out.

I thought things were ok between us and we moved on.

A few weeks ago, he used my phone to log into an app we all use as a family. I think it required a google log in or similar, anyway, it turned out that I could then see googling history when I used google my phone.

At first I didn't think to mention it - it was insignificant and got lost in the daily life stuff. Then I saw a name from the past appear. OW is a dancer and some of her competition entries are online. This had been goggled several times.

I tried to be measured about it and thought, ok,curiosity can get the better of us all. It was a quick bit of google nosiness.

I told myself that if the search appeared again, I'd confront DH.

So of course, it did, and it appears theres an extensive, repeated googling of this woman although I can't say/do t have any way of telling if any personal contact has been made.

I said to DH today. "I guess you're not aware but I can see your google history when you logged on for DS' app"

He immediately said 'I shouldn't have done that' and logged out from my phone with my permission.

I'm really upset. He did apologies and said no other contact had been made and he's so happy with our marriage/life.

AIBU to think a happy man doesn't google an affair partner to this extent without reason? AIBU to think it's shitty behaviour? I think it's a deal breaker for
Me but I can't ask anyone in real life. The last affair (I'm not saying this is) caused a lot of family and friends to really dislike DH so confiding in anyone will increase this and I feel disloyal airing this to people we know.

Gah. What a mess.

Yes, it is horrific that he was (is) checking out his Affair Partner’s dance moves. That really is beyond the pale.

I think it's kind of normal to Google people we've had attachments to in the past. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He chose you.
Talk about it with him and tell him how it made you feel. Use it as an opportunity to reach a deeper level
Of honesty in your relatiobship.

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo your post rang massively true. Things often look better in the morning. They don't this morning for me at least.

I'm going to spend the school day alone on my allotment thinking things through - really, how to separate. I think I'm done.

Again, I'm grateful for the opinions on here. For validating my feelings that have been completely minimised.

I’m so sorry OP. My husband had an affair 3 years ago and we are still together but I have non-negotiable boundaries in place and this would break me. We’ve been together for 37 years. I love him and I know I’d want to try to get past it but I also know myself well enough to know my mental health would plummet and constantly wondering and not trusting is no way to live.
I’m so, so sorry, this must hurt like hell. I’d bet my house on the fact that even though I don’t know either of you he won’t want to lose you. I can’t believe their stupidity and selfishness sometimes. Take great care of yourself. You deserve better than this. We all do. XX

So sorry Op this must be hard. But I agree with pp. It's human nature to look up people you used to know sometimes, just to be nosey. But that doesn't require several googles in a short space of time, which suggests it's someone who's on your mind a lot. Also, out of respect for you and your marriage, he should have steered clear of looking up this particular woman, knowing how upset you would be if you knew.

Of course he'll try to minimise, but I wonder how he'll explain why he thinks of her so often, and thinks looking her up is OK when his affair with her almost broke you up and put you through so much misery?

"So of course, it did, and it appears theres an extensive, repeated googling of this woman although I can't say/do t have any way of telling if any personal contact has been made."

This must be heart breaking for you OP. I think you have been very restrained with your reaction. If this is the end of your marriage then think carefully as you are and make necessary arrangements. He will minimise and blame you for everything as he has been caught out. Be strong and if you can work through this then just keep looking over your shoulder as he will probably do it again sadly.

To be honest if the affair ended because it was found out then there could be unresolved feelings as you don’t just switch off all feelings for someone you are having sex with overnight. The rules are generally that all contact is broken immediately but whilst that is often done, feelings are not broken immediately and can lead to these situations. That’s why I prefer zero tolerance approach and no going back as this sort of thing can rear it’s ugly head.

I too would find this very hard to get over. Once curiosity maybe but the repeated searches suggests at the very least he still harbors a deep interest in her.
I just couldn't live like that personally but I know that is easier said than done.

Just to add another perspective.

I Google my ex still and am very much happy in my relationship. Check Social media/FB. Not because I still have a torch but because I hate them and I hate the fact they have a happy life after destroying mine.

It may not help your situation exactly but I just wanted to say its not always because of fondness. I probably should have had therapy after. Lots of unresolved issues.

I don't know why people use the ex analogy, an ex is totally different to an affair partner.
Most people have googled their exes !!

@workshy44

I don't know why people use the ex analogy, an ex is totally different to an affair partner. Most people have googled their exes !!

Agreed, it's not the same thing at all. Unfortunately, this isn't just a small meaningless thing, it's the tip of a very large and painful iceberg the OP has been dealing with for a few years.

If your husband was serious about repairing your marriage at the time of the affair, he should know well that any slight indiscretion or betrayal of trust is a massive deal. They are not small isolated incidents, they are part of a larger pattern of disrespect.

Added to that repeated googling and possibly watching her dance shows he's not willing to give her up.

I hope you’re ok @roundheresince2010, I think anyone who has given a cheating husband a second chance, is feeling every inch of your pain. We all understand that ‘curiosity’ as an excuse, just doesn’t cut it when it’s an ex affair partner. I am disgusted that that your husband couldn’t see the gift that had been offered to him.

I hope your day has helped you see clearer.

I would talk to your friends and family op. They will help you get out.

The thing is that the trust that has been rebuilt since the discovery of the affair has now been dealt a massive blow. You're pretty much back to square one now.

@Eenymeanyminey

Just to add another perspective.

I Google my ex still and am very much happy in my relationship. Check Social media/FB. Not because I still have a torch but because I hate them and I hate the fact they have a happy life after destroying mine.

It may not help your situation exactly but I just wanted to say its not always because of fondness. I probably should have had therapy after. Lots of unresolved issues.

Fgs

Did you have an affair with your ex?!

If not, then irrelevant

As an aside

Social media photos does NOT mean your ex has a happy life

@Oftenithinkaboutit yes I did actually, so completely relevant. So keep your 'FGS's to yourself.

Maybe you should have said given it’s relevance!

[quote Eenymeanyminey]@Oftenithinkaboutit yes I did actually, so completely relevant. So keep your 'FGS's to yourself.[/quote]
Then you should have pointed that out in the first place, it sounds like you are just saying it now to prove a point!

Exactly

I doubt someone would lie about having an affair to win points on a forum. You lafiuoes need to get lives

Ladies.

You’d think so, wouldn’t you!