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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Been so stupid.. really hurting now and in despair

66 replies

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 18:54

Was married, have kids with ex husband. He was a drinker did coke when he drank and was abusive so we split. I divorced him 3 years ago. Was with him 15+ years from my teens.

8 months later i started a seeing someone who was a friend. He was a couple of years younger. Had no kids. Eventually he met mine , they all got on great. Kids love him to bits and vice versa. I can't have more kids and he knew this before we ever got together. After 18 months it became an issue and he broke up with me over it. Said he didn't know what he wanted , was scared , didn't want to hurt us all. Turned out he had cheated on me loads of times , and when he drinks (which isn't often and never in my house or around my kids) he does coke . Alot of that fuelled the cheating. He said he still loved me but I deserved better that was 18 months ago and he still says he loves me but needs to be sure. I know if a man wants to be with u he doesn't need convincing and with him it will never happen. It hurts. Really hurts but I have sadly accepted it.

After my divorce I took up sex work as I needed the money. I met a guy who lived close to me and a few months later through social media I realised I knew his wife through other people and his kids. I felt so low and unhappy and I got close (too close) to him. I am ashamed to say (and I know I will be flamed ) but he was married and we began an affair. He would text and call every day. Sometimes we would have a coffee or lunch other times there was sex but it wasn't based just on physical. He told me he loved me but he needed to work on his marriage which was in trouble and he didn't want to hurt me . So the physical stuff and meeting up stopped . I was developing feelings . We stayed friends and in actual fact he came to me for help in how he could repair things with her. I became a friend and counsellor. We are talking messages all day and all times of the night about how his marriage was failing what could he do how upset he was and so on.. it turned out his wife had cheated and he caught her out . They split up , she moved out . I have seen loads of the messages , I have both of them and their kids on social media so have seen loads about it all.

We started seeing each other. Had dates out, I stayed at his, he told me he loved me , would hold me all night asleep . I felt so happy . Truly happy. He looked and said he was happy. He made plans for my birthday to spoil me.

Weekend just gone he was away and I could sense in my gut something was wrong. He spent 3 days drinking.. turns out he did some coke too. Basically he's come back and said he needs space.. he was with her 25 years . He said he wants to be on his own..has given all the reasons he says me and him couldn't work. Mainly his 2 kids and mine..how could it work he says ? His age... he's 13 years older . It's definitely not because she's taken him back as she's with the affair partner now. He said the last thing he wants is to hurt me or hear me cry because of him.

I feel so sad, so unhappy and hurting so badly its hard to describe..

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2021 18:59

Please do the Freedom Programme. You need to unlock why you keep choosing unsuitable men. If you don't, you will continue to perpetuate this cycle. Be single for now, preferably for a long while. You need time to learn about yourself.

fallfallfall · 23/11/2021 19:01

Sex work and nice men going forward don’t mix.
Retrain, stay single, learn to value yourself and set the bar higher.

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 19:02

Just wanted to add . I no longer do sec work it was a couple of years ago for a few months as I was desperate for the money whilst sorting benefits. I now have a 'normal' job .

Also to add the guy who was married he is a big weekend drinker. Friday night , Saturday, Sunday afternoon up the pub type thing. . He stopped alot of those trips in favour of seeing me. Said he would rather stay in with me. He is also a big gambler

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2021 19:06

Have you spent any time at all without some coke-using, heavy-drinking loser in tow ?

Try being single for a while. Your choices are awful. You would be better on your own.

Sexytimeusername · 23/11/2021 19:07
  1. Don't date punters, married or not.
  2. Get yourself on saafe for advice - mn is not kind to sw or affair-havers. You sound very vulnerable and low, and posting a thread like this is asking for a further kicking.

Be well 💐

fallfallfall · 23/11/2021 19:08

Oh dear setting the bar higher will be dirt easy then.
Let’s make a list: UNMARRIED is a basic starting point.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/11/2021 19:09

Nice men don't think women are commodities that can be bought.

He was never a nice man.

You need to do the freedom programme and / or counselling to unravel why you're gravitating towards men who have such similar flaws who have so little respect for women.

Otherwise you'll keep doing this over and over again.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 23/11/2021 19:10

I think you need some time alone to concentrate on you

Limpshade · 23/11/2021 19:21

The three men you mention are all drinkers and take drugs. Two of them are cheaters (on you, on their wife). They have all at points been using you as an emotional, or physical (or both) crutch. These are not "good guys", as you claim. Yours is a very unhealthy, if not dangerous pattern that you will continue to repeat if you don't take a step back. Please look up the Freedom Programme.

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 19:48

I myself was born as the result of an affair. Father was married and never met me. Hes dead now. I do seriously wonder if the level of my upset with the recently married man is wanting a man like that to essentially 'pick' me as my own father didn't.

OP posts:
Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 19:53

With all of them I didn't find out how heavy the drinking was or that they do drugs sometimes until further down the line.

After my marriage ended I had a lot of counselling and I know my attachment style is anxious and I also know I am co dependant.

I have lundys book also women who love too much and melody beattys co dependent no more. I am someone who pours my heart and soul onto making other people happy. Typical co dependant hence why I have been a crutch and support to these men at various times. I am trying to work out why I keep ending up with the same type . I know I am far from perfect and have made some horrible mistakes. I am really hurting though at the moment. What is so wrong with me that people get close , say they love me and I make them happy but then decide they will hurt me and I don't deserve it so they leave me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2021 19:57

There is nothing wrong with you. But you need to find a way to pour that love and support into your own self

Only when you value yourself will anyone else do so

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 19:59

I don't know how. I desperately want to be loved. So when someone stops loving me I feel abandoned and its like a juggernaut hitting me. Its every fear and bit of pain from the day I was born keep piling on top of me

OP posts:
category12 · 23/11/2021 20:01

You need to take time out from men and work on being happy in yourself and on developing boundaries, building up a shark cage against people who are users and predators.

People-pleasing and always putting other people's wants ahead of your own needs is not healthy. You could try coda.org/ (Codependents anonymous) for support.

Yummypumpkin · 23/11/2021 20:03

Your update shows your absolute courage and commitment to understanding your subconscious better. It's all any of us can do.

And in ignoring some hugely unhelpful.comments on the thread you gain my admiration.

What a lot you have been through. No wo dear it feels painful right now. You know what I'm going to say though...these guys aren't worth the half of you. They're a mess!!!

Youve made some choices you regret, but you can get to a happier place.

Sounds like you are on the right lines.

Sometimes with shitty men we just need a nice, long break. Youve got kids so really I'm.not sure what a man would be for anyway!!!

What makes you happy?

ChiefInspectorParker · 23/11/2021 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Opaljewel · 23/11/2021 20:08

Op I would start with, how can you start to love yourself first? Treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be your own best friend. Learn what you like, who you are and what your interests are. Remember to take care of yourself. Every little day, tell yourself 1 thing you like about yourself. Even if it's something like I like how I smiled at that person today or I liked how I felt today. Anything at all. By building a small habit, day by day you are slowly challenging your mindset. A lot of people grow up playing out the narrative that other people told them they were when they were growing up. You were told you were the product of an affair. It's time to start living by your own narrative and find out who you are. Time and time again you're playing out all you believe you are worth.

Opaljewel · 23/11/2021 20:09

Told them who they were*

Pastnowfuture · 23/11/2021 20:11

Sounds like you have had a really rough time. You've had lots of good suggestions for long term action but maybe for tonight you could just snuggle up with a cuppa and a bar of chocolate, ring a friend or watch a comedy.

I sometimes spiral when I'm upset. I always find a hot shower helps to reset me and then I distract myself with something.

One step at a time x

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/11/2021 20:23

Commit fully to being single.

What are the odds you got entangled with THREE men who do coke and excess drinking? That is wild.

Just be with yourself. You have a lot to overcome. You will feel better.

MarbleQueen · 23/11/2021 20:34

Op I completely understand.I also have an anxious attachment style and the fear of abandonment and constantly craving love has been a constant source of pain in my life.

For people with abandonment issues self love cannot be summoned up through sheer willpower. Their nervous system is wired differently and they need to be taught to self sooth.

This book might help you . It explains kindly why we are the way we are and that it’s not our fault. It gives you specific strategies to soothe yourself that work. You’ll need some tissues because it is a bit emotional in places but it is a gentle kind read that also helps you to forgive yourself.

I hope things get better for you op.

www.abandonment.net/black-swan-book

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 20:37

Thanks for all the messages . The Married man I saw with friends and family , lovely parties looked a happy life . I guess I looked and saw it and wished it for myself . Even when he said it was all an act and wasn't all it appeared . Even now I imagine him having the time of his life even though I know the truth is deep down he's deeply unhappy and masking it drinking too much and used me as a sticking plaster.

He says the age gap bothers him and he feels too old to be with someone who has younger kids. Mine aren't babies but are in junior school where as his are teens at 6th form.

It hurts so much I won't feel his arms around me again or him say I love you. He used to lay there and hold me and say I was so lovely and special and how much he loved me. And now he's not going to do it again. It really really hurts

OP posts:
Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 20:38

@MarbleQueen I have a big stack of tissues next to me now so I will take a look. Thank you so much. You will know the pain at the minute is a physical hurt inside thats so strong

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 23/11/2021 20:39

I think he was so into you and why it was so intense was because he had just split from his wife of 25 years. He was in the wrong but I can see why he latched on to you and now has come to his senses and knows he needs to be single and sort his life out.

You may get together in the future but for right now you need to cut contact and focus on making yourself happy whilst single.

ThreeLocusts · 23/11/2021 20:40

Agree with PPs you have had a really rough time of it and you seem, for whatever reason, to attract men who, however lovable, just aren't good for you. What you say about how your father's rejection of you may have something to do with it sounds very plausible.

If that is so, you need to heal yourself somehow. Don't seek your happiness with men, try to find some sort of peace in yourself. Easier said than done I know, but I hope you will give it a shot. Freedom Programme sounds like a good idea.

All the best. You've been dealt a bad hand but things can get better. Take care.

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