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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Been so stupid.. really hurting now and in despair

66 replies

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 18:54

Was married, have kids with ex husband. He was a drinker did coke when he drank and was abusive so we split. I divorced him 3 years ago. Was with him 15+ years from my teens.

8 months later i started a seeing someone who was a friend. He was a couple of years younger. Had no kids. Eventually he met mine , they all got on great. Kids love him to bits and vice versa. I can't have more kids and he knew this before we ever got together. After 18 months it became an issue and he broke up with me over it. Said he didn't know what he wanted , was scared , didn't want to hurt us all. Turned out he had cheated on me loads of times , and when he drinks (which isn't often and never in my house or around my kids) he does coke . Alot of that fuelled the cheating. He said he still loved me but I deserved better that was 18 months ago and he still says he loves me but needs to be sure. I know if a man wants to be with u he doesn't need convincing and with him it will never happen. It hurts. Really hurts but I have sadly accepted it.

After my divorce I took up sex work as I needed the money. I met a guy who lived close to me and a few months later through social media I realised I knew his wife through other people and his kids. I felt so low and unhappy and I got close (too close) to him. I am ashamed to say (and I know I will be flamed ) but he was married and we began an affair. He would text and call every day. Sometimes we would have a coffee or lunch other times there was sex but it wasn't based just on physical. He told me he loved me but he needed to work on his marriage which was in trouble and he didn't want to hurt me . So the physical stuff and meeting up stopped . I was developing feelings . We stayed friends and in actual fact he came to me for help in how he could repair things with her. I became a friend and counsellor. We are talking messages all day and all times of the night about how his marriage was failing what could he do how upset he was and so on.. it turned out his wife had cheated and he caught her out . They split up , she moved out . I have seen loads of the messages , I have both of them and their kids on social media so have seen loads about it all.

We started seeing each other. Had dates out, I stayed at his, he told me he loved me , would hold me all night asleep . I felt so happy . Truly happy. He looked and said he was happy. He made plans for my birthday to spoil me.

Weekend just gone he was away and I could sense in my gut something was wrong. He spent 3 days drinking.. turns out he did some coke too. Basically he's come back and said he needs space.. he was with her 25 years . He said he wants to be on his own..has given all the reasons he says me and him couldn't work. Mainly his 2 kids and mine..how could it work he says ? His age... he's 13 years older . It's definitely not because she's taken him back as she's with the affair partner now. He said the last thing he wants is to hurt me or hear me cry because of him.

I feel so sad, so unhappy and hurting so badly its hard to describe..

OP posts:
Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 20:56

Yes he said I did make him happy but he needs to sort his life out and be on his own. Being tied to someone else who wants something from him when he's emotionally exhausted is too much. He didn't choose to be single he had it forced on him. He said he wouldn't have left her . He had no say . Guess he needs to grieve the end of them and that life they had

OP posts:
UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 23/11/2021 21:04

Please stop putting all your energies into unsuitable, emotionally unavailable fuckwits who cheat, gamble and use drugs, and focus on providing your children with a stable upbringing. They need a mother who is focused on their needs, and is emotionally present; do the freedom programme and get some counselling before you think about compromising their wellbeing by getting into another car crash relationship.

5128gap · 23/11/2021 21:26

At the risk of sounding like your mother, you sound like you're mixing with a bad crowd if all the men you meet are big drinkers and do coke. Can you broaden your social circle at all to include people and places where these things aren't part of the culture? Do you have female friends? Do they drink/do drugs, or could you turn more to them for a new social life where you can meet less problematic people?

WonderfulYou · 23/11/2021 21:59

Guess he needs to grieve the end of them and that life they had

You’ve put it perfectly yourself.

It doesn’t matter if he was happy or miserable with her. If something has ended after 25 years you do need to grieve and it’s a massive life change.

You sound like a nice person OP and you can definitely find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 22:07

I suppose I don't understand why if I made him happy he's ending it

OP posts:
category12 · 23/11/2021 23:24

@Morefuelyou

I suppose I don't understand why if I made him happy he's ending it
He probably told his wife she made him happy too.

He's probably got someone else on the go. He went on a binge - god knows what he got up to. He's not exactly going to win any prizes as a trustworthy partner, is he?

He's telling you he neds to grieve or whatever because he wants to get out of the relationship without appearing the bad guy, and so as not to burn his bridges entirely. But lying liars tend to continue to be lying liars.

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 23:36

I am so so stupid.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/11/2021 23:44

Would you be willing to have some more counselling? It sounds like you have lots of stuff to work through and it could be really valuable and stop you repeating this pattern.

Keepitonthedownlow · 24/11/2021 00:01

You're not stupid OP, many of us have had bad experiences with men who have behaved badly. It's what you take from it and learn going forward that matters.

fallfallfall · 24/11/2021 00:09

you are not stupid @Morefuelyou
you are human and you were hopeful.
don't be hard on yourself, even tomorrow am you will be just a tiny bit wiser.
you can learn from this.

CatAndHisKit · 24/11/2021 00:56

You did make him happy when he was going through marriage breakdown - he needed something excitinng and positive when going through a big life shift. But he wants to focus on himself and get his head around his new life without the wife of 25yrs, it's understandale that he wants space and does not haev energy for young school kids and a whole blended family straight away. Tbh it's a healthhy thing to do - you should do the same, focus on yourself.
That doest take away from the fact he said you were special and loveable - try to take this as positive. He may well want to come back but you need to do more counselling and then see with a clearer head whether YOU want hm or anyone similar (using you for support when facing their own issues) or should you try to find someone who is more of a gving (and healthier living) person.

urbanbuddha · 24/11/2021 02:41

You're not stupid, but you do need to learn to love yourself. The Freedom Programme would be a great start.

mathanxiety · 24/11/2021 03:27

You have children.

They love you.

They need you.

Spend a lot of time focusing all your energy on them and doing therapy around your abandonment issues.

mathanxiety · 24/11/2021 03:33

You are a big, shiny target for men who want to use you for sex. They are exploiters and emotional vampires.

You welcome them with open arms and can't see that they are all liars, drinkers, users.

You need to be needed. That has to stop.

Go to therapy and figure out what red flags you are blowing past and why

Cascascascas · 24/11/2021 03:42

@Morefuelyou

Sending love.
As you have the advice needed.

Weatherwax13 · 24/11/2021 03:44

You are NOT stupid. You just need to change your mindset, and see your own worth.
You'll find that love you want with a decent, honest person , I'm sure of it. But as pps said, you really need to love yourself and build up boundaries and a strong, high bar - anything that comes short of it you won't accept. Because you deserve betterFlowers
Please don't think of anyone but yourself and the children for a while. You don't have to let heartbreak and bad treatment into your life. You really, truly don't need a bloke to validate you. You're enough!

madisonbridges · 24/11/2021 03:54

Even if he's a nice guy, he is a big drinker and a gambler. Life with him will be miserable. Don't tie your star to him. You're worth so much more.

TarasCrazyTiara · 24/11/2021 05:01

@category12

There is no reason for OP to think he was lying to her. His wife pulled away and left him, everything he said to OP could be completely true, both his feelings and his reasons for not wanting to be with her now. His long marriage with children just ended, that doesn’t mean he must be a liar.
Yes I get he has possible substance issues but that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a bad person out to hurt OP intentionally.

TarasCrazyTiara · 24/11/2021 05:07

Don’t feel stupid OP. He’s just come out of a long marriage and has kids, it’s probably a very confusing time for him and I can understand him not wanting to jump straight into a mixed family situation.

If he was accepting of your past as a sex worker (no judgement it’s honest work) and treated you well he probably did feel strongly for you.
I would accept his reasons but also try to stay away from this trend of falling for unavailable men you have - because well, they tend to stay unavailable.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 24/11/2021 07:36

Sorry, but I lost count and interest at 3 drunk cokehead ex's.......

category12 · 24/11/2021 07:42

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@category12

There is no reason for OP to think he was lying to her. His wife pulled away and left him, everything he said to OP could be completely true, both his feelings and his reasons for not wanting to be with her now. His long marriage with children just ended, that doesn’t mean he must be a liar.
Yes I get he has possible substance issues but that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a bad person out to hurt OP intentionally.[/quote]
Did you miss the bit where he started off as a punter, paid for sex with op while married and went on to have an affair with op? That all involved a ton of lying and cheating.

Of course there's reason to disbelieve him.

RantyAunty · 24/11/2021 08:31

Where are you meeting all these losers?

Automaticforthepeople · 24/11/2021 08:34

Hi OP,

Echoing that there is nothing wrong with you and you are not stupid.

You really deserve better than all of these men. Being single for a while and learning how to be in the world without a man for a while could really be what you need. I came out of a long-term relationship a while back, and it's the longest time that I have been single in my adult life. It has done me so much good!

I have learnt/am sometimes still learning that my worth and value as a person is something that is located inside me and cannot be defined by a relationship or by someone else.

I have found Bianca Sparacino's podcasts to be so valuable in healing. There are episodes on learning to value yourself, creating boundaries and starting to give some of the compassion that you give to others to yourself. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/in-your-feelings/id1495592153

Kristin Neff and Arielle Schwartz are good on healing and developing self-compassion:

self-compassion.org
Self-Compassion

drarielleschwartz.com
Welcome | Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Potterurotter · 24/11/2021 08:36

You let people take what they need from you (strength, shoulder to cry on etc reassurance advice, sex) to the point it is emotionally / physically /mentally damaging to you because there is nothing given to you from them in the end and as such the relationships are parasitic you are left empty and in essence robbed of the benefits a healthy functioning relationship could bring. Men you have chosen have addictions this means they will take (not just drugs but from others physically emotionally etc on a higher level to that of a person without addiction. This is draining and damaging and unsustainable you already know it is not rewarding. You must seek assistance for co depending and learn how to maintain boundaries and be self sufficient, giving so much of yourself away hurts the soul ❤️ I have been there in terms of being taken advantage of but once you are empowered and not in need of what you are seeking which you must identify the patterns, the world will be brighter and have so much to offer in terms of the right people

TarasCrazyTiara · 24/11/2021 12:25

@category12

Does it matter if he started of as a punter? If she started of as his sex worker and they both found each other that way then why should that matter?
We don’t know anything about his marriage, maybe it had been a dead (or mostly dead) bedroom for years by his wife’s choice. We just don’t know.

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