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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Been so stupid.. really hurting now and in despair

66 replies

Morefuelyou · 23/11/2021 18:54

Was married, have kids with ex husband. He was a drinker did coke when he drank and was abusive so we split. I divorced him 3 years ago. Was with him 15+ years from my teens.

8 months later i started a seeing someone who was a friend. He was a couple of years younger. Had no kids. Eventually he met mine , they all got on great. Kids love him to bits and vice versa. I can't have more kids and he knew this before we ever got together. After 18 months it became an issue and he broke up with me over it. Said he didn't know what he wanted , was scared , didn't want to hurt us all. Turned out he had cheated on me loads of times , and when he drinks (which isn't often and never in my house or around my kids) he does coke . Alot of that fuelled the cheating. He said he still loved me but I deserved better that was 18 months ago and he still says he loves me but needs to be sure. I know if a man wants to be with u he doesn't need convincing and with him it will never happen. It hurts. Really hurts but I have sadly accepted it.

After my divorce I took up sex work as I needed the money. I met a guy who lived close to me and a few months later through social media I realised I knew his wife through other people and his kids. I felt so low and unhappy and I got close (too close) to him. I am ashamed to say (and I know I will be flamed ) but he was married and we began an affair. He would text and call every day. Sometimes we would have a coffee or lunch other times there was sex but it wasn't based just on physical. He told me he loved me but he needed to work on his marriage which was in trouble and he didn't want to hurt me . So the physical stuff and meeting up stopped . I was developing feelings . We stayed friends and in actual fact he came to me for help in how he could repair things with her. I became a friend and counsellor. We are talking messages all day and all times of the night about how his marriage was failing what could he do how upset he was and so on.. it turned out his wife had cheated and he caught her out . They split up , she moved out . I have seen loads of the messages , I have both of them and their kids on social media so have seen loads about it all.

We started seeing each other. Had dates out, I stayed at his, he told me he loved me , would hold me all night asleep . I felt so happy . Truly happy. He looked and said he was happy. He made plans for my birthday to spoil me.

Weekend just gone he was away and I could sense in my gut something was wrong. He spent 3 days drinking.. turns out he did some coke too. Basically he's come back and said he needs space.. he was with her 25 years . He said he wants to be on his own..has given all the reasons he says me and him couldn't work. Mainly his 2 kids and mine..how could it work he says ? His age... he's 13 years older . It's definitely not because she's taken him back as she's with the affair partner now. He said the last thing he wants is to hurt me or hear me cry because of him.

I feel so sad, so unhappy and hurting so badly its hard to describe..

OP posts:
category12 · 24/11/2021 13:06

Of course it matters that it started with him as a punter and that he was cheating on his wife. Hmm

He claimed he wanted to work on his marriage so he certainly didn't consider it dead at the time he was having an affair with op and buying sex.

It speaks to his character, to his attitude to women, to his personal moral code and comfort level with deception.

Frankly, you're talking apologist nonsense.

TarasCrazyTiara · 24/11/2021 13:27

OP was a sex worker - if she doesn’t have a problem selling sex then why should she have a problem with him buying it from her in the past and them starting a relationship by chance that way?
She obviously didn’t or she wouldn’t have been in a relationship with him.

If you have a problem with his or her morality you can’t really give OP advice - not without accepting and respecting she feels differently about sex work and a man who has used a sex worker than you do.

category12 · 24/11/2021 13:38

It's not about sex work per se, it's about his proven history of lying and cheating.

If he deceived his wife, there's no reason to think he wouldn't deceive op and tell her whatever is convenient to him about breaking up and what he got up to on his 3 day boozing and drugging binge.

Op would be a fool to hang around hoping for this guy who has a history like this to come back to her and to feel sorry for him for his broken 25 year marriage. After all poor widdle wounded soldier, he was only buying sex and having an affair during it. Hmm

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2021 14:06

@TarasCrazyTiara

OP was a sex worker - if she doesn’t have a problem selling sex then why should she have a problem with him buying it from her in the past and them starting a relationship by chance that way? She obviously didn’t or she wouldn’t have been in a relationship with him.

If you have a problem with his or her morality you can’t really give OP advice - not without accepting and respecting she feels differently about sex work and a man who has used a sex worker than you do.

After my divorce I took up sex work as I needed the money. I met a guy who lived close to me and a few months later through social media I realised I knew his wife through other people and his kids. I felt so low and unhappy

It doesn't sound like OP was happy being a sex worker, it sounds like she felt it was one of few options financially and that it really negatively impacted her mental health.

Someone can have been a sex worker in the past and still come to the realisation that punters fundamentally don't respect women.

TarasCrazyTiara · 24/11/2021 14:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ok, you’ve let your own personal opinion on sex work be known. But there is no reason to think OP agrees with you nor does it matter in the slightest to this thread as she actually liked her former “punter” and never said she felt disrespected by him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2021 14:32

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ok, you’ve let your own personal opinion on sex work be known. But there is no reason to think OP agrees with you nor does it matter in the slightest to this thread as she actually liked her former “punter” and never said she felt disrespected by him.[/quote]
She said that after taking up sex work because she needed money, she felt low and unhappy. I was pointing out that she doesn't sound like it was something she was happy to do and enjoyed, it sounds like it was damaging to her. I'm not sure why you think it's wrong for me to say that? OP has clearly had an incredibly tough time and you're implying that she did sex work so she can't possibly look back on that time and feel she was treated poorly by this man. It's almost victim blaming along the lines of 'well you were happy to sell sex, so you can't say he's that bad now...' when anyone with empathy can read her words and see she wasn't happy doing it, she literally says she was very low and unhappy.

And I do personally think that men who pay for sex do not respect women. That's my opinion.

Bortles · 24/11/2021 15:17

As many other posters have said, men aren't the answer.
Set yourself a stay single challenge. Even if the best man you've ever met turns up, stay single, tell him to wait. Try a year, try two. See that actually, you dont need them or their approval, only your own.

2Gen · 25/11/2021 16:51

I'm sorry this has happened to you over and over again but it is in your power to stop it now, as you have gained some insight into yourself and TBH, yer man has done you a favour because life with him would soon have become a living Hell!
You need to work on developing your sense of self-worth, and focusing on the well-being of yourself and your children. You need to develop strong boundaries and learn how to listen to your own alarm-bells and act on them!
As other posters will suggest, try the Freedom Programme and I would also suggest daily affirmations along the lines of "I am a unique human being who deserves respect".

It's not that you don't deserve love, please stop beating yourself up- of course you deserve love! Of course you don't deserve to be strung along nor abused nor rejected! It's not a case of it being anything wrong with you but with the sorts of men you've unconsciously drawn on yourself! THEY were NO GOOD! Those men were only out for themselves and had nothing of any merit to offer any woman, so don't deserve to be in your life!
Please stay single for a while now and learn to value yourself as it does sound as if you are a lovely person whom one would be glad to know, whether it be as a friend and, eventually, when you have your self-worth and self-confidence, a partner! Take it from an old lady who's been through some shit and not only survived it, but ended up happily married to a GOOD man! They DO exist! All the best and a big hug!

Moonface123 · 25/11/2021 17:35

You see people differently when feelings arent involved.
Heartache is excrutiating painful, but hearts do go on to mend and become stronger. l can guarantee in a few weeks or months you will look at this man and think what the hell did l see in him. Thats healing.
You need to put more importance on yourself, take self care to the next level. Question your every next move with " Is this helping or hurting me? " You have got to look out for you, dont rely on these wasters, they are not capable, but you are. So you need to take care of you like your life depends on it. What you eat, drink, think about, read ,learn, its all got to be for you. Invest all your time in becoming a healthier person,, parent , and role model. Raise your standards.
Listen to Tony Robbins, Les Brown, T D Jakes, on youtube.
Read "Getting past your Breakup", how to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that happened to you by Susan J Elliott. This is your chance now to turn things around and build a better way of life for yourself.

TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 03:37

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She obviously doesn’t feel she was treated poorly by him during that time or she wouldn’t have started a relationship. But that’s obvious, you just want to push your own agenda regardless of the actual situation, that couldn’t be more clear.

No one cares what you think of sexist work and OP never asked.

TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 03:37

*sex work

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/11/2021 09:48

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@youvegottenminuteslynn

She obviously doesn’t feel she was treated poorly by him during that time or she wouldn’t have started a relationship. But that’s obvious, you just want to push your own agenda regardless of the actual situation, that couldn’t be more clear.

No one cares what you think of sexist work and OP never asked.[/quote]
I'm not sure why you're getting so angry with a stranger on a forum to the point you sound like a teenager with your 'no one cares what you think'... but I hope you manage to chill out and accept people have different opinions and are perfectly welcome to share them on a discussion forum. You aren't the thread police. Nice typo btw, very accurate. Have a good weekend.

TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 10:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’m not angry at all, just pointing out how obvious it is how very important you think giving your ideological view on sex work is on a post where it wasn’t asked for. People with pet causes often do that to the boredom of everyone else.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/11/2021 10:57

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’m not angry at all, just pointing out how obvious it is how very important you think giving your ideological view on sex work is on a post where it wasn’t asked for. People with pet causes often do that to the boredom of everyone else.[/quote]
Yes it's ever so annoying when someone derails a thread with a strange agenda...

OP I hope you're ok and can seek some support IRL and explore this in counselling as you deserve to be happy - it sounds like you've had some incredibly tough times but you're still standing so you have more strength than you realise. I hope you can seek that support to feel more healthy and happy Thanks

GrandmasCat · 26/11/2021 15:25

OP, please don’t let anyone berate you about your past, you must have been in an absolute terrible situation to feel forced into sex work but it is GREAT and amazing that you have managed to step out of it and have now moved on into a more traditional line of work.

People who have not been totally on their own (no friends, no family, no partner) do find it impossible to understand the true misery of being alone, being “on your own” is not the way forward, you need a “community” to help you keep afloat.

As you are feeling down right now I would suggest you concentrate in making friends (find a common ground with your co workers, find other single mums, they tend to be amazingly supportive because they understand the difficulties of being on your very own). Do not even try to find a new man now, you need to feel happy and strong to avoid falling on the hands of undesirable men.

And keep your head high, what happens to us does NOT define who we are or what we will become. You have gone though an awful ordeal and survived, you will survive this heartache as well, just be patient, it will take a while for it to disappear but time cures everything. Flowers

wobblywinelover · 26/11/2021 18:55

Oh OP you've made some mistakes but so have those men, the whole situation sounds a nightmare. The one guy basically using you for counselling, then coming to you and then dumping you I can see is really hurtful. Definitely time to be on your own for a while, work out what's going on with the pattern of men you're getting involved with, and get some help for yourself. Don't spend time berating yourself and feeling like shit about it now though, that's just going to make you feel worse. Acknowledge it and try to move on to get yourself in a better place. Time to buckle up, think to yourself that you can make better choices and believe in yourself that you are worthy of so much better. Good luck and virtual handhold from me. Tomorrow's a new day

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