Uncomfortable finding on iPad

[Agateblue]

Hi all, I’m just seeking your views on this one as I am no longer with this man. A few years back, when he was mid-50’s. I discovered porn on his iPad. I had suspected he was using it, but was shocked to see that the women involved were about 19 or 20. Possibly 18, but not illegal. Still, it felt ‘icky’ to me. To defend himself, he gave me his personal journal so I could see that there was nothing untoward about him. There was nothing about the porn in there, in fact there was nothing much to read, except that I came across an entry written a few years earlier (he would have been about 48 then) and before I got together with him. He describes an encounter with a female who served him, and who he described as a young and very attractive sales assistant. She would have been 18+ as that chain store doesn’t employ anyone younger (alcohol). He implied in the next sentence that he was going to forget it because (and he wrote it as a list), she knew his age, she had his credit card details, she could find out where he lived etc. There was nothing about him knowing her age, or anything else, and clearly he didn’t act on it, but I felt really uncomfortable and dumped him straightaway. I’ve never told my 27 year old daughter or anyone else. I was in shock I guess. But something this week reminded me of it, and despite moving on, I still feel icky when I recalled it. What do you think?

[quote baileys6904]@sayke

Yes lovely, it is a forum with opinions

The issue is when you give yours and then treat it as fact.

And couldn't give a shite what you and your partner do or don't do. Not my place to judge.[/quote]
Sorry that you're so insecure in yourself that you think someone disagreeing with you is such a challenge.

For pp talking about youth etc ... OP stated that this guy was actually flirting with at least one very young woman not just fantasising. That's really icky and shows a massive lack of self awareness.

@baileys6904 that's IMO in case you were struggling to interpret a post on a forum well known for people giving their opinions.

@sayke u OK hun?

[quote baileys6904]@sayke u OK hun?[/quote]
I'm great thanks for asking

It’s gross . How many women are looking at 18yr olds thinking I want a piece of that . Very few
It’s about power and mysogyny and has nothing to do with their looks . There are plenty of gorgeous older women but men know that they are awake to their bullshit and won’t think the sun shines out of their narcissistic arses . And no it’s completely not normal for men to be ousting are their granddaughter friends .
How much lower can the bar go for men . It’s incredible to see pick me’ defending it

50+ yo man finding 20+ yo women attractive - as judged by his porn viewings. Not sure what it strange about it.
He wasn’t in a relationship with a 20yo, he was in a relationship with the OP, who, I presume was closer to his age.
And he had one diary entry where he mentioned flirting with a younger woman and then coming to his senses, remembering his age.
This is hardly some old man chasing women half his age.

Mature women don’t lust over 18yos, sure. But it’s because men mature later. Their prime is 20s-30s. And plenty of older women find men in that category physically attractive. So - using the same analogy - if 50yo women are watching porn - they are unlikely to seek porn with men of 50. They’d also be looking at much younger men, for exactly the same reasons as OP’s guy.

OP - I hope you have met someone who you are more compatible with.

@MMmomDD

‘
Mature women don’t lust over 18yos, sure. But it’s because men mature later. Their prime is 20s-30s. And plenty of older women find men in that category physically attractive. So - using the same analogy - if 50yo women are watching porn - they are unlikely to seek porn with men of 50. They’d also be looking at much younger men, for exactly the same reasons as OP’s guy.’

Evidence please … show me science that says men mature later . As an educator I can attest that boys mature later up until around age 10 when the development of both genders is equal
Matthew like the one you are perpetuating is what causes rubbish behaviour from men to be accepted
Your actually just sprouting rubbish that has been used to justify leery men fawn over barely legal teens rather than anything that’s actually true
As for the op - no it’s not just a case of one diary entry , this is a man who ( from what is on his iPad ) is obviously sexually interested in females young enough to be his granddaughter and whether you want to support that type of mysogyny and sleazy behaviour or not it’s still gross

As a woman in around that age I’d be revolted at the thought of sex with a 20 yr old male and am not interested in watching porn with such
That’s younger than my children . Ewwww

@Pinkbucket

As a woman in around that age I’d be revolted at the thought of sex with a 20 yr old male and am not interested in watching porn with such That’s younger than my children . Ewwww

Yeah but they're still adults. What about going men who watch milf porn of women the same age as their mothers? Op didn't even specify "teen" porn, just going women so it's not even like it's dodgy whatsoever

But I know many on this site disagree with porn altogether, of any description, in part much any medium. Fair enough, but if that's the case, you probably won't approve of any 'category': in which case this whole debate about young women is a red herring

@secsee. But Yoh do realise that the average age for a MILF porn actress is between 22-27 right
It’s laughable and not the same
As for people watchinv older people - whatever. Their age is not questionable
The issue with porn where the actress look very young is that there literally is no way of knowing whether in fact they are underage . On top of that the industry has been in huge trouble for having many many underage actresses
So yea young IS qn issue and I think woman are perfectly justified in thinking a man so much older wanking over females that ‘look’ like their age is questionable is justified
I mean why in the hell are so many men interested in her looking like she’s so young that they have to disclaim that it’s ok cause they are ‘ barely legal ‘
It’s sick and it’s gross

@secsee
So Yoh see the debate about teen porn as a red herring ??? So the proliferation of actual underage girls on these sites ( who are of course included in ‘teen ‘ doesn’t concern you ?

Was in My concern is how does he know and how does anyone know . People don’t grow an extra arm when they turn 18 and I know 14 yr olds who with makeup look 18

You’re talking like you think he is borderline paedo.

@Pinkbucket

You seem to be taking this all to a whole new level. And it seems personal to you. Whatever happened to cause it - I am sorry.

If you actually read the original posting - there was no suggestion that the man in question was looking at teen porn. It was all about women younger than OP, and all in their (mid)20s.

All I was saying was that -a man in his 50s finding women in their 20s attractive isn’t criminal or unnatural. It is hardly grandfather/child scenario.
And the man in question was NOT actually pursuing relationships with young women.

As to men maturing later - again, I meant from evolutionary perspective. If you look in the animal kingdom - young females come to their childbearing prime a lot earlier than young males of the same age. Males have to fight for their place in the pack and for the females. So for the males sexual prime happens later.
It isn’t altogether different in humans.
This is why women often pair up and settle down with men that are a bit older than them.
And this is why 18yo boys aren’t attractive to older women - simply because they look like boys, not men.
While many 18yo women look like fully grown women.
Not sure what facts you really need to prove that.

Porn is as ever a divisive issue here on MN.

@MMmomDD

No not personal and no need for you to be sorry
I realise the op situation was he was looking at females she said were possibly 18 , 19 AND 20s , I’m simply pointing out the issue with the very young ie (just turned legal age ) of porn that a certain type of ( sleazy ) man is that they really have no way of telling if the females are in fact legal
You seem to have zero response to that huge issue abd be wanting to make it about some problem with me, instead of recognising and acknowledging that underage girls on porn platforms are a huge problem and teen pirn is part of the problem
So whether the op says they LOOK 18 how does anyone even know . That’s the whole point
I know plenty of 14 yr olds who with a bit of makeup look 18
The fact you think me pointing out this major issue indicates a problem with me , suggests you are the one who is either extremely ignorant or you think underage porn is not a problem . Just because the op doesn’t specifically say they are underage that doesn’t change the fact THEY cwrtainly coukd be seeing as some only looked
18
As for your evolutionary ‘argument as to why women apparently settle with older men . Do yoh ah e any education in history and the oppression of women . How they have been valued only for fertility ie youth and have historically held much less power than men
I asked for scientific evidence of your claim and you come back with some nonsense about how people paid up which is hugely influenced bu socialisation power and economics
You also are quick to claim that 18 yr old look like women and yes I agree , so do some 13/14 yr old . Are you claiming men are attracted to them ?
If that’s what your saying it’s stands to reason the law the only thing stopping men???

@Nasturs

You’re talking like you think he is borderline paedo.

Not necessarily however I think men looking at teen porn don’t know how old those girls are ? How can they ? And that is concerning

You're well shot of him OP, plenty of nice older men around who actually respect women as more than sex objects.

There really are not. Most men, if you really dig down, just see women as objects. Aucoutrements to themselves.

I’m a bit confused about what happened re the journal. A young woman served him and he wrote about it but then wrote she knew where he lived? What does that mean? Do you think he was planning to attack her or something?

Sorry if I’ve misread, just found that a bit confusing. If you think he was planning to attack or rape her then I’d have found that very worrying, but I’m not sure that’s what happened or if I’d read it wrong.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Agree with PP that people in their 20s look like children! Wouldn't dream of engaging with them sexually, porn or otherwise.

I don’t agree that watching porn or a movie is sexually engaging with any real person at all on any level. I didn’t “engage” with Zendaya and Timothy Chalomet when I watched the Dune movie. It’s the same watching porn, there is no engagement at all. You’re watching a fantasy world with made up characters. There is no sexual engagement whatsoever.

Lol glad I wasn’t next to you when I went to see Dune.

Don’t really have a stake in this argument but obviously watching pornography of someone is a bit different to watching someone in a movie. There is a different level of engagement/a different motivation when watching porn.

Obviously that pp wasn’t suggesting that it means the person is having sex with young women - she was more implying she wouldn’t associate herself sexually with young people in that way.

I’m confused and have the same questions as @Kanaloa.
He wanted to forget the encounter as she knew his name, his details etc?

I’m confused OP as to what you made of that? I only seem to have one sinister reading of it.

I can't imagine actually saying yes to reading someone's diary because i found porn on their personal device. Why would you say yes to reading someone's innermost thoughts - just to judge them on it? Very weird.

@Thinking2041

I’m confused and have the same questions as *@Kanaloa*. He wanted to forget the encounter as she knew his name, his details etc?

I’m confused OP as to what you made of that? I only seem to have one sinister reading of it.

I’ve been thinking the same

@Avarua

You're well shot of him OP, plenty of nice older men around who actually respect women as more than sex objects.

There really are not. Most men, if you really dig down, just see women as objects. Aucoutrements to themselves.

Bullshit

I have a very nice older man who doesn't perv over young women and sees me as his equal thank you very much

So sorry you don't have the love of a good man (fraternally, paternally or otherwise) in your life, sad.

[quote Pinkbucket]@secsee
So Yoh see the debate about teen porn as a red herring ??? So the proliferation of actual underage girls on these sites ( who are of course included in ‘teen ‘ doesn’t concern you ?[/quote]
Teen porn are adults. And if you could read, i said if you blankety disagree with porn them you'll likely catastrophes any "genre" available.

Because teen poem is literally just petite women. There are videos where they do braids to appear younger but USUALLY teen porn is petite adult women who do not look remotely like children.

If she thinks he's an actual predator attracted to actual teens, call the police. If not...?

And you literally just proved my initial point.

I’ve come back on as I just read some of the more recent threads, a few of which mention that its only about porn and one diary entry. I think some posters missed my earlier update, which gave the information about what I saw on the train (and he is 60 now). There is one other thing, and that is that when he was about 46, he did have a full on relationship with a woman in her very early 20’s. This was well before me. He said that he enjoyed the relationship, and by all accounts so did she initially. Nothing to write home about there. But as I was reading your comments I was reminded of something that he told me about that relationship. It was a complete secret on his side. No one knew about it, he said. They would go to venues and she was not introduced as his partner, and this went on for over two years. Why I didn’t pick up on that, I’m not sure - perhaps that says something about me. It was a really long distance relationship (about 350 miles - from one end of the UK to another), something like one weekend in three I think he said. She ended it suddenly, when she upped sticks for someone nearer her own age he said. One pp, said that she hoped I found someone more compatible to me. That’s a fair comment. As I said in my second post, I knew that I would never be happy with this man. Secrecy was one of his key traits, not just me, but throughout his life - I never knew what was coming next - and that was incompatible with my openness (warts and all).

Ps. The encounter with sales assistant was just in the shop, as I said in my post, she served him. There may have only been one journal entry, but flirting with sales assistants, waitresses etc was a regular thing, and infront of me too. It was a bit cringe tbh, but I’d forgotten most of it until I read some comments on here. I would say that he is consistently attracted to women in their very early 20’s. As I said before, nothing illegal. But in the end, I had to call it a day, and the ipad and journal entry were the final straws. One poster has said that I need to get some hobbies, another has said that I’m a prude. We all have our own views. But the one who said that we were incompatible was right.