Uncomfortable finding on iPad

[Agateblue]

Hi all, I’m just seeking your views on this one as I am no longer with this man. A few years back, when he was mid-50’s. I discovered porn on his iPad. I had suspected he was using it, but was shocked to see that the women involved were about 19 or 20. Possibly 18, but not illegal. Still, it felt ‘icky’ to me. To defend himself, he gave me his personal journal so I could see that there was nothing untoward about him. There was nothing about the porn in there, in fact there was nothing much to read, except that I came across an entry written a few years earlier (he would have been about 48 then) and before I got together with him. He describes an encounter with a female who served him, and who he described as a young and very attractive sales assistant. She would have been 18+ as that chain store doesn’t employ anyone younger (alcohol). He implied in the next sentence that he was going to forget it because (and he wrote it as a list), she knew his age, she had his credit card details, she could find out where he lived etc. There was nothing about him knowing her age, or anything else, and clearly he didn’t act on it, but I felt really uncomfortable and dumped him straightaway. I’ve never told my 27 year old daughter or anyone else. I was in shock I guess. But something this week reminded me of it, and despite moving on, I still feel icky when I recalled it. What do you think?

If you're no longer with him I wouldn't waste time thinking about it at all

What reminded you of it? It sounds like you are being triggered by something and you need to process whatever that is before you can move on.

What I think is that he's attracted to young-looking women and the rest of the info suggests he likes to be in control - possibly dominant? - of women.

The way I read it isn’t ‘icky’

As long as they are of legal age I think it’s normal for anyone to be attracted to someone younger. I’m sure you may have come across some attractive younger people in your time and thought ‘if I was 20 years younger!’

Most people are in their prime in their 20s, I don’t think it’s unusual to be attracted to someone who is attractive, no matter the age.

I know I’d rather look at an attractive 25 year old than an ageing 50 year old!

To be fair most men of all ages are not into watching GILF porn.
It’s all fantasy and usually as part of that fantasy the older men are thinking of their 20 or 30yr old self with the porn actresses. To feel young again. So if you’re ok with porn in your relationship, it seems to be weird to restrict it to porn with actresses/actors your own age?

On the journal. I wouldn’t think anything of it. Actions matter, not private and often messy thoughts.

I am sure there are heaps of benefits you can think of which comes with age @Bexxe ?! Looking attractive is a fleeting benefit people can use to their own advantage if they wish to do so but there are plenty of other benefits which can last a lifetime!

@Bexxe

The way I read it isn’t ‘icky’

As long as they are of legal age I think it’s normal for anyone to be attracted to someone younger. I’m sure you may have come across some attractive younger people in your time and thought ‘if I was 20 years younger!’

Most people are in their prime in their 20s, I don’t think it’s unusual to be attracted to someone who is attractive, no matter the age.

I know I’d rather look at an attractive 25 year old than an ageing 50 year old!

Christ no, people in their 20s look like children to me. You really think a 40/50/60 year old slavering over someone on their 16th birthday is ok just because they're of 'legal age'? shudder

It's definitely icky and reflects a certain mindset OP

@PlanDeRaccordement

To be fair most men of all ages are not into watching GILF porn. It’s all fantasy and usually as part of that fantasy the older men are thinking of their 20 or 30yr old self with the porn actresses. To feel young again. So if you’re ok with porn in your relationship, it seems to be weird to restrict it to porn with actresses/actors your own age?

On the journal. I wouldn’t think anything of it. Actions matter, not private and often messy thoughts.

I think this sums it up really well.

I'm not sure what the 'Encounter' was? DId he sleep with her? did she just serve him at the checkout?

Men like this are fucking gross, I ditched a friend for expressing similar views. 🤮

I’d feel icky too.

You're not with him anymore so don't waste time on it.

She’d be barking all kinds of data protection laws if she used is credit card details to contact him.

It was never going to happen. I wouldn’t be bothered by it, even less so if you’re not even together anymore.

Oh bollocks @sayke 🤣🤣

Hope much mainstream porn do you know that are people in their 60s?

The guy may be an arse but just because he watched porn starring of legal age particpants, doesn't make him any more of ' a certain mindset' than anyone else.

Stop trying to make your own opinion 'fact'

@baileys6904
I agree. Some people are too puritanical in their opinions.

@baileys6904

Oh bollocks *@sayke* 🤣🤣

Hope much mainstream porn do you know that are people in their 60s?

The guy may be an arse but just because he watched porn starring of legal age particpants, doesn't make him any more of ' a certain mindset' than anyone else.

Stop trying to make your own opinion 'fact'

Um... It's a discussion board where people are allowed to post opinions.

If you don't like em that's your problem.

I do think old men perving on young women and girls (or old women/men on young men and boys) is icky.

If you don't then whatever, I'll just consider you a bit icky too

And not everyone watches porn by the way.

Now that is a fact, not an opinion.

Jesus OP, you are prudish and narrow minded

Everyone is entitled to thoughts, doesn't mean they are all carried out and watching adult porn is hardly a crime.

You dumped him, move on

I'd find it a bit repulsive too, just because it's "normal" for men, doesn't mean it isn't morally reprehensible.

I remember feeling disgusted but not all together surprised when I saw the graphs shown here:

www.businessinsider.com/dataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10?r=US&IR=T

Agree with PP that people in their 20s look like children! Wouldn't dream of engaging with them sexually, porn or otherwise.

I'm just waiting for the 'your partner watches porn too you're just deluding yourself if you think he doesn't' brigade

So I'll head that one off... No, he doesn't.

That’s not quite what I’m saying

The basic, primal attraction between men and women is the desire to procreate and carry on their genes, in which women are in their fertile prime in their 20’s/30’s - so it makes sense for men (and women!) to have an attraction to younger people.

That’s not say age doesn’t offer other attractive qualities, just on a purely physical vantage (which is what the OP seems to be describing as there’s no way the EXB knows the porn stars etc) then of course it makes sense for him to be more attracted to younger people.

There’s a difference between having that attraction mind, and being the pervy older man at the bus stop trying to chat you up

Agree with PP that people in their 20s look like children! Wouldn't dream of engaging with them sexually, porn or otherwise.

I don’t agree that watching porn or a movie is sexually engaging with any real person at all on any level. I didn’t “engage” with Zendaya and Timothy Chalomet when I watched the Dune movie. It’s the same watching porn, there is no engagement at all. You’re watching a fantasy world with made up characters. There is no sexual engagement whatsoever.

Thanks everyone. A mixed bag of answers, and that’s what I expected, so no worries. The recent trigger was seeing him by chance, in a train carriage. He was chatting up and definitely flirting with a very young woman. He is now 60. She left the train before he did. I didn’t engage with him. I just don’t think I could have been happy with him. But that’s just me. Thanks again

@Agateblue

Thanks everyone. A mixed bag of answers, and that’s what I expected, so no worries. The recent trigger was seeing him by chance, in a train carriage. He was chatting up and definitely flirting with a very young woman. He is now 60. She left the train before he did. I didn’t engage with him. I just don’t think I could have been happy with him. But that’s just me. Thanks again

Sounds like the older men who used to chat me up in my teens and twenties.

I used to feel sorry for them thinking they had any kind of chance but also found it really icky and uncomfortable.

Thank god I'm too old for the male gaze now, it's very liberating.

You're well shot of him OP, plenty of nice older men around who actually respect women as more than sex objects.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Agree with PP that people in their 20s look like children! Wouldn't dream of engaging with them sexually, porn or otherwise.

I don’t agree that watching porn or a movie is sexually engaging with any real person at all on any level. I didn’t “engage” with Zendaya and Timothy Chalomet when I watched the Dune movie. It’s the same watching porn, there is no engagement at all. You’re watching a fantasy world with made up characters. There is no sexual engagement whatsoever.

Maybe I didn't word it quite how I meant it, but I was trying to say I would never imagine myself having sex with a 20 year old, or get off to a 20 year old having sex, the same as I never would a child.

OP - this all reads strange to me.
Surely you are old enough to understand that young women are attractive to men, of all ages. Just because he (or anyone) is in his 50s - he won’t stop finding women in their sexual prime attractive. It’s just human nature.
However - he clearly has sense and understands that he himself isn’t attractive to those young women.
So - what exactly is the issue here?

Porn is a divisive issue here on MN. But if one were to watch porn - same logic applies. Why shouldn’t he watch legal aged young women in their sexual prime? It is, after all, an aid to masturbation - so why not watch what works best?

Porn aside - if you are still dating and hoping to find a man in his 50-60s who will not think young women are sexually attractive - you’ll be looking for a long time.

And - btw - just because they get aroused by youth - doesn’t mean that these men don’t find women closer to them in age group attractive.

Seriously is this all you have going on in your life? Get some hobbies. Jeez.

@sayke

Yes lovely, it is a forum with opinions

The issue is when you give yours and then treat it as fact.

And couldn't give a shite what you and your partner do or don't do. Not my place to judge.