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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ever had a therapy session end weirdly?

73 replies

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 16:33

I just have, which is why I’m asking lol.

Not quite sure what to make of it now.

I started the course of sessions (open ended) wrt a few different things, quite wide ranging, one of which in particular (a family relationship) has dominated the last few sessions.

There are a whole number of things I felt it would be useful to talk about and this week I really wanted to move away from this earlier topic (I would have just been repeating the same things again) and there was something quite specific I wanted to talk about.

It is something I have from early on that this therapist talks a lot (the sessions are prob close to 50/50 each active talking) and likes to spend time expressing their thoughts on things and I do spend a lot of the sessions listening to what they think, which mostly is fine as I like them on a personal level and enjoy the general rapport. Sometimes this has meant being a bit patient and letting them ‘pontificate’ a bit, which I’ve chosen to go along with as I like their general character. They often allow the sessions to run over for us to finish covering something, so I’ve felt like it evens out and they might even be aware they like to talk a bit and compensate in this way (or maybe not, I don’t know).

Anyway, today I said that I’d kind of parked this one topic as I didn’t feel it was fruitful to keep talking and thinking about it for now. They kept bringing the session back to this topic however and prompting me to talk about it more. I obliged somewhat but found myself repeating the same things we’ve already gone through so kept it brief with the hope we could move on. I didn’t have anything to add today.

It got to about 3/4 of the way through the session and I was a bit frustrated by this point as I really wasn’t interested in talking about this topic anymore and they were kind of continuing to prompt me to say the same things I’ve said in previous sessions. (Themselves echoing the same things they’ve said in previous sessions). I mentioned that there was something else in particular I’d been hoping to talk about. It was close to the end of the session by then and they kind of apologised as they said in hindsight maybe they shouldn’t have kept pushing this topic. Ok no probs.

The vibe felt a bit uneasy and they seemed almost a bit ‘off’ for a mo and then apologetic as they felt I’d had a ‘bad‘ session.

Then they mentioned that I might or might not want to continue with the sessions and to let them know and glanced at the time and said something like, ok well we should wrap up as time’s almost up. Wouldn’t think anything of this normally, but as mentioned above this is very much in contrast to other sessions, which I often discover have run over (the clock is behind me in the room). Have been going weekly for several months now, maybe 3?

I was surprised at the suggestion I might want to discontinue the sessions and at the sudden rush to finish up. Things just felt a bit unsettled and odd. They asked if everything was ok – I wasn’t quite sure how to read the situation or what to say. I said I felt a bit uncomfortable and surprised at the suggestion I might stop the weekly sessions.

They asked if I needed a minute then came back and asked if I wanted to speak to their partner (in the house somewhere) who is also a counsellor. I was like ?!?! No?!

By this point it felt like the session was out of control and although I felt upset, I felt like there was nothing else but to wrap up and leave. It all just felt v weird but didn’t know what to say. I left feeling quite unsettled and upset.

Now I’m not quite sure what to do – I think they’re a well intentioned person etc but it just went weird. I was going to text but feit odd and unsure what to say. I wondered if they might follow up with a text but they haven’t.

Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?! Have you followed up a session that went off-piste with a ‘debrief’ with the therapist about what happened, to clear the air? Is it time to cut my losses and move on? Is it too difficult to backtrack once something’s gone a bit awkward like that? The sessions have been good otherwise and helpful, and I felt we’d built a good rapport, so feel a bit disappointed about this.

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 16:35

God sorry what an essay lol 🙈🙈🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
FrazzledY9Parent · 22/11/2021 16:48

I think I would start off next week's session by asking if you can talk about the last session. Say how it made you feel. They should be up for discussing that and reflecting on their part in it. If not, I would say it is time to move on. In my experience, awkward moments in therapy can be really productive in allowing a breakthrough in the therapist/client relationship, but the therapist has to be wiling to go there.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/11/2021 16:57

I am not sure why you would want to continue with a therapist who talks 50:50 with you! Sad.

It does sound a very weird ending, yes. It sounds like he/she realised he/she had allowed a rubbish session and panicked!

I think if you really like this therapist then Frazzled's suggestion sounds good. But it would piss me off to sit there paying for someone else's pontifications! Best of luck.

Melminiani · 22/11/2021 17:01

Hi OP, I’ve had experience of good therapy and not very good therapy and now regret the fact that I allowed a sunken costs fallacy to keep me attending the not very good therapy for as long as I did.

Do you mind me asking what kind of therapy you are in? Is it CBT, or psychodynamic therapy…? Because the kind of therapy you are in might mean that the therapist talks a little more (in CBT say).

I think there are two things that concern me a little. First is the amount of talking your therapist does. Therapy should have you doing the majority of the talking with the therapist asking questions, reflecting things back you you, or helping you to see things from a different view. A 50/50 split sounds like too much talking to me.

Secondly, the timings. Therapeutic boundaries are really important; they help to create the safe space that you are in, so that you never wonder where the edges of the session lie. Very occasionally a session may over run by a minute, but it’s a very rare occurrence. I will often check the time and wonder out loud if I have enough time to discuss something if we’re nearing the end of the session; observing the end time is part of the respectful relationship I have with my therapist. I’m never left wondering if she’s going to let it run on and if so, by how much. And if she doesn’t, what that might mean and does that mean something about our therapeutic relationship…

A therapeutic relationship can be a place where you act out behaviours that you display in the wider world, and I do wonder at the fact that you are patient and let them take up your time with their thoughts on things they want to talk about… would you say that this is something that you find yourself doing in your day to day life?

I would definitely discuss this most recent session with your therapist at the next session (as Frazzled says, you can find really interesting things hiding in difficult conversations), and perhaps be open to having a discussion (which may feel difficult and awkward) where you perhaps note some of these things too…

Dobbyhasnomaster · 22/11/2021 17:03

Oh god my counsellor did this and asked if I was ready to stop the sessions out of the blue. Threw me completely so I did the grown up thing and never booked another session 🤦‍♀️

UnsuitableHat · 22/11/2021 17:07

How do you feel about carrying on? It sounds as if it might be worth trying a conversation about how this made you feel.

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:10

Thanks @FrazzledY9Parent !

My read of it was that I was getting a bit frustrated at them trying to steer the session where they thought it should go and they picked up on my impatience/frustration and seemed a bit piqued (they sort of looked a bit annoyed / smirky (like an irritated smile) for a short while), caught themselves and expressed an apology. I think the Intention with the question mark over the next session was because they were trying to express they were sorry if they hadn’t facilitated a good session and I’m not under pressure to continue – but it felt very hasty and odd to suppose that we would just end things there! I think I correctly picked up that they hadn’t enjoyed the way the session had gone and as a result they wanted it to end on time.

I now feel very aware that their family are in the house elsewhere during our sessions and feel weird about going back there. It gave me the sense that the sessions also get discussed with their partner too.

I might suggest a phone session next week and see how that goes.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 22/11/2021 17:10

ShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShock

They asked if THEIR PARTNER whom you don't work with could come in so you could TALK TO THEM - because 'THEY'RE A THERAPIST TOO'

WHAT. THE. FUCK ShockShockShock

I just don't know what to say

That is INSANE

(I'm a therapist btw)

Coffeetree · 22/11/2021 17:14

Yes I was thinking, "Eh, maybe a little awkward" until the partner thing. Wtf???? That's a huge red flag, creepy af.

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:15

@Chamomileteaplease

I am not sure why you would want to continue with a therapist who talks 50:50 with you! Sad.

It does sound a very weird ending, yes. It sounds like he/she realised he/she had allowed a rubbish session and panicked!

I think if you really like this therapist then Frazzled's suggestion sounds good. But it would piss me off to sit there paying for someone else's pontifications! Best of luck.

Yes @Chamomileteaplease I think they panicked!

I did notice the pontificating thing early on and don’t really think it’s best practice or the point of the sessions but at some point early on decided to indulge it as I felt I enjoyed their overall persona and the general rapport.

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:17

@LaurieFairyCake

ShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShock

They asked if THEIR PARTNER whom you don't work with could come in so you could TALK TO THEM - because 'THEY'RE A THERAPIST TOO'

WHAT. THE. FUCK ShockShockShock

I just don't know what to say

That is INSANE

(I'm a therapist btw)

It is mad isn’t it! I have never met this person and have no professional or personal relationship with them whatsoever. I was pretty much like “WTF”. I’m sure my face was a picture of horror.
OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:21

@Dobbyhasnomaster

Oh god my counsellor did this and asked if I was ready to stop the sessions out of the blue. Threw me completely so I did the grown up thing and never booked another session 🤦‍♀️
Thanks Dobby I’m glad I’m not alone in being thrown by this! It might not have been the intention but it opened the question in my mind, especially given it hadn’t been a really smooth session — is that a hint?!
OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:28

@Melminiani

Yes I’ve been aware from early on that the going over the time thing isn’t really setting good boundaries and is probably a bit unprofessional of them. It blurs what’s personal / what’s professional and as in this case leaves a question mark then when the session doesn’t go smoothly and they finish bang on time!

In the past sessions have been allowed to run over by as much as half an hour (I can’t see the clock and haven’t noticed as I’m lost in talking). Or I have noticed, have apologised and they’ve said don’t worry we can go over a bit.

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:36

@Melminiani

A therapeutic relationship can be a place where you act out behaviours that you display in the wider world, and I do wonder at the fact that you are patient and let them take up your time with their thoughts on things they want to talk about… would you say that this is something that you find yourself doing in your day to day life?

Not really to be honest, I think in this case I’ve just done a cost / benefit analysis and decided that on balance i like this person as they’re quite down to earth and I’m prepared to go along with this style. It’s really difficult to find someone you like / vibe with !!

I’ve previously had taster sessions with a fair few therapists many of whom haven’t felt right or have said something questionable or whatever and I’ve just thought well lots of time is passing here and i could be enjoying the benefits of pursuing therapy but I’m just having multiple one off sessions. So I’ve been prepared to accept some level of idiosyncrasy / imperfection.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 22/11/2021 17:38

God that sounds excruciating, I feel bad for you!

The bit about talking to the partner is so freaking nuts it makes me feel weird, I mean WHAT.?! like, are they then going to compare notes?

Look, I've had therapy sessions go less than smoothly and in every case, the therapist has gotten in touch within a day or two asking if I'm OK and apologising for not handling it better. Which for me has strengthened the therapeutic relationship, after all we are all human and the main thing is they care, they're conscientious and ethical.

But I don't think I could go back to your person.

I guess you could either try to talk though how uneasy you felt it, cut your losses and go. It can feel so frustrating as you've invested in the work, financially and emotionally, but I'm inclined to think they time and effort is not wasted. Even the fact that you're recognising and acting upon your boundaries is very healthy.

Might be helpful if you can talk it through though, if not with them, with the next person?

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:39

@Melminiani I believe it is supposed to be person-centred counselling, however I noted early on that this person’s style is rather involved / participatory / interventionist / directive / whatever for this model.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 22/11/2021 17:42

Please don’t go back to see this person. They sound really unprofessional. They shouldn’t be allowing sessions to regularly run over and there is no way in hell they should be suggesting you talk to their partner - regardless of whether that person is a counsellor or not. How did you find this person and how much are they charging you?

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:45

@thefourgp

Please don’t go back to see this person. They sound really unprofessional. They shouldn’t be allowing sessions to regularly run over and there is no way in hell they should be suggesting you talk to their partner - regardless of whether that person is a counsellor or not. How did you find this person and how much are they charging you?
Found them on the BACP directory and £50 an hour, although to be honest I don’t feel massively inclined to pay for this session!
OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 22/11/2021 17:47

What I was going to say isn't relevant now I've read your post but my suggestion is this. If you have more confidence that they will learn from this and help you than not I would go back. But just the one time if they are ridiculous again.

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 17:56

Thsnjx@SunshineCake1 ! I will think about it this week. I’m just not sure the weirdness / awkwardness factor can be overcome (possibly, not sure!). I think it might be difficult to return to their home for another session, being aware that their partner is lurking somewhere in the background ready to join forces with my therapist if they start to struggle

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 22/11/2021 18:07

That sounds very odd. Not making excuses but is it possible that the counsellor was distracted by something in their personal life? (If so, they really should have cancelled the session).

I wouldn’t go back but, if you do, please make sure you discuss the session and how odd you found it, and how inappropriate it was to try to involve their husband.

me4real · 22/11/2021 18:26

I had one be veryy rude/crap and she ended it after the 6, claiming she had other work to do. At one point in one session she said 'haven't we had this conversation before?' I was paying her £63 a session. Grin Nowadays I wouldn't put up with that, like to think I would not see her again of my own volition.

She seemed to be bored by a certain issue that I was struggling with at the time. She also seemed to work to a formula and for everyone to progress in a linear fashion in a certain way, or that was the impression I got. She tried to get us to do a therapy type that I was not there to do, too.

Nowt so queer as folk. I've seen some good therapists since, but it's put me off any that seem 'frosty.'

TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 18:30

@Egghead68

I didn’t get that impression, although I did hear a child/baby make a cry somewhere in the house as I walked in today! I didn’t get the feeling they were distracted though.

It seemed more like they had an agenda / an avenue they wanted to go down with the topic I’d discussed previously, and just wouldn’t let it go. I said that I’d decided to put it aside for a while as it’s been a big focus (both in life and in the sessions ) for the past several weeks, and the intense focus and drama surrounding this family member had actually been interfering with my ability to get other stuff done. I told them that there were no new developments and I’d parked it for now, particularly as I have some work stuff I need to focus on and it was impacting my ability to get stuff done right now. I honestly just didn’t have anything new to add either and I had something different that I particularly wanted to discuss in the session.

They had a bit of an ‘I know better’ air, and I think towards the end my frustration was apparent. This seemed to trigger a bit of irritation in them which they then quickly ‘corrected’ - the irritated look went and they presented themselves with concern and apologised about the session. I think I picked up on a bit of weirdness, felt unsettled and it was just awkward all round.

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 22/11/2021 18:32

@me4real

I had one be veryy rude/crap and she ended it after the 6, claiming she had other work to do. At one point in one session she said 'haven't we had this conversation before?' I was paying her £63 a session. Grin Nowadays I wouldn't put up with that, like to think I would not see her again of my own volition.

She seemed to be bored by a certain issue that I was struggling with at the time. She also seemed to work to a formula and for everyone to progress in a linear fashion in a certain way, or that was the impression I got. She tried to get us to do a therapy type that I was not there to do, too.

Nowt so queer as folk. I've seen some good therapists since, but it's put me off any that seem 'frosty.'

OMG that is outrageous!!!
OP posts:
Coffeetree · 22/11/2021 18:33

@me4real "Haven't we we had this conversation before" wtf????