Ever had a therapy session end weirdly?

[TheRigatonini]

I just have, which is why I’m asking lol.

Not quite sure what to make of it now.

I started the course of sessions (open ended) wrt a few different things, quite wide ranging, one of which in particular (a family relationship) has dominated the last few sessions.

There are a whole number of things I felt it would be useful to talk about and this week I really wanted to move away from this earlier topic (I would have just been repeating the same things again) and there was something quite specific I wanted to talk about.

It is something I have from early on that this therapist talks a lot (the sessions are prob close to 50/50 each active talking) and likes to spend time expressing their thoughts on things and I do spend a lot of the sessions listening to what they think, which mostly is fine as I like them on a personal level and enjoy the general rapport. Sometimes this has meant being a bit patient and letting them ‘pontificate’ a bit, which I’ve chosen to go along with as I like their general character. They often allow the sessions to run over for us to finish covering something, so I’ve felt like it evens out and they might even be aware they like to talk a bit and compensate in this way (or maybe not, I don’t know).

Anyway, today I said that I’d kind of parked this one topic as I didn’t feel it was fruitful to keep talking and thinking about it for now. They kept bringing the session back to this topic however and prompting me to talk about it more. I obliged somewhat but found myself repeating the same things we’ve already gone through so kept it brief with the hope we could move on. I didn’t have anything to add today.

It got to about 3/4 of the way through the session and I was a bit frustrated by this point as I really wasn’t interested in talking about this topic anymore and they were kind of continuing to prompt me to say the same things I’ve said in previous sessions. (Themselves echoing the same things they’ve said in previous sessions). I mentioned that there was something else in particular I’d been hoping to talk about. It was close to the end of the session by then and they kind of apologised as they said in hindsight maybe they shouldn’t have kept pushing this topic. Ok no probs.

The vibe felt a bit uneasy and they seemed almost a bit ‘off’ for a mo and then apologetic as they felt I’d had a ‘bad‘ session.

Then they mentioned that I might or might not want to continue with the sessions and to let them know and glanced at the time and said something like, ok well we should wrap up as time’s almost up. Wouldn’t think anything of this normally, but as mentioned above this is very much in contrast to other sessions, which I often discover have run over (the clock is behind me in the room). Have been going weekly for several months now, maybe 3?

I was surprised at the suggestion I might want to discontinue the sessions and at the sudden rush to finish up. Things just felt a bit unsettled and odd. They asked if everything was ok – I wasn’t quite sure how to read the situation or what to say. I said I felt a bit uncomfortable and surprised at the suggestion I might stop the weekly sessions.

They asked if I needed a minute then came back and asked if I wanted to speak to their partner (in the house somewhere) who is also a counsellor. I was like ?!?! No?!

By this point it felt like the session was out of control and although I felt upset, I felt like there was nothing else but to wrap up and leave. It all just felt v weird but didn’t know what to say. I left feeling quite unsettled and upset.

Now I’m not quite sure what to do – I think they’re a well intentioned person etc but it just went weird. I was going to text but feit odd and unsure what to say. I wondered if they might follow up with a text but they haven’t.

Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?! Have you followed up a session that went off-piste with a ‘debrief’ with the therapist about what happened, to clear the air? Is it time to cut my losses and move on? Is it too difficult to backtrack once something’s gone a bit awkward like that? The sessions have been good otherwise and helpful, and I felt we’d built a good rapport, so feel a bit disappointed about this.

I think the therapist sounds defensive and perhaps insecure? Which are not great traits for a therapist. They sound not in control of their own responses/time and not confident in their ability to be there for you in the right way. It sounds like a shame, but I'd look for a new therapist.

Maybe the client will say something you’re not expecting! Maybe people are unique and complex?

Everyone is unique and complex, and clients often say things I’m not expecting - that’s part of the challenge of being a therapist and part of what makes the job so interesting and stretching.

Your therapist isn’t ok, they shouldn’t be using your time to express their views and opinions, the therapist doesn’t get equal air time with the client, it’s your time for you to speak about whatever you need to. If you said there was something you needed to talk about the therapist should have stayed with whatever that was.

Going over session time can happen sometimes, eg if a client is triggered and it’s not safe for them to leave and drive home, but I’d expect there to be a conversation about that at next session to explain why and for the therapist to pace sessions from there on in.

You really need to find someone new, you shouldn’t be adjusting your needs to meet the therapists needs - that’s an old behaviour pattern that should be challenged, not reinforced.

It's a no from me! They should have listened to your boundaries and allowed you to work through what you feel comfortable working through at that point. My therapist is always aware of when I am doing sessions, so for example, if it's over a lunch break (I work from home) they won't delve into the super traumatic stuff as they don't want me triggered for the rest of the day. If you are not feeling safe with this person, find someone new. 'They mean well' rung out to me as I had a therapist that I felt the same about and now I have a new therapist I realise how much people-pleasing I was doing with them rather than learning how to build boundaries for myself.

@yellowpdfdocuments

I think the therapist sounds defensive and perhaps insecure? Which are not great traits for a therapist. They sound not in control of their own responses/time and not confident in their ability to be there for you in the right way. It sounds like a shame, but I'd look for a new therapist.

Yeah I think there was a moment of defensiveness – when I pushed back towards the end of the session and said that actually there was something else I had been looking to discuss but felt there wasn’t time now as this other topic had been pushed repeatedly. They sort of indicated that I had been talking about it, but I pointed out I’d been responding to their repeated enquiries about this topic. They asked ‘ok do you want to talk about this other thing now’? But I pointed out there were only about 10 mins left so didn’t seem like a good juncture to start a whole new topic. I know it would have been apparent to them I was a bit annoyed at this point – I was kind of like well, it’s 10 minutes to the end of the session, so never mind. (Although I was trying to be polite about it too!)

And I kind of explained again that I could take any number of topics or events and mine them week after week for how I felt about them, but it doesn’t mean I need to (they had sort of being insisting a bit that they could see I was still bothered by the earlier topic they kept bringing up, which I am but that was beside the point for me - I just had nothing new to say and wanted to park it for now).

Anyway, it was around this point that their face seemed to take on a ‘sneery’ laughing sort of quality, as if to say, ok you keep telling yourself that. At this point I started to feel uneasy and the session felt like it had become weird to me. They mentioned that I could have a think about if I wanted to come back next week. And made noises about oh well we’re going to run out of time so should wrap up.

They ‘corrected’ themselves relatively quickly (just in terms of the facial expression / general vibe) and then presented themselves with concern and apologised that they hadn’t facilitated a useful session.

However I agree, I think there was possibly some defensiveness there that they became aware of and then corrected.

@Jellycatspyjamas

You really need to find someone new, you shouldn’t be adjusting your needs to meet the therapists needs - that’s an old behaviour pattern that should be challenged, not reinforced.

That’s a good point you know, I’ve been aware of the talking too much thing from the beginning but kind of -made a decision- to listen patiently as I felt it facilitated a stronger rapport and better relationship / sense of trust between us.

@bunnypudding

It's a no from me! They should have listened to your boundaries and allowed you to work through what you feel comfortable working through at that point. My therapist is always aware of when I am doing sessions, so for example, if it's over a lunch break (I work from home) they won't delve into the super traumatic stuff as they don't want me triggered for the rest of the day. If you are not feeling safe with this person, find someone new. 'They mean well' rung out to me as I had a therapist that I felt the same about and now I have a new therapist I realise how much people-pleasing I was doing with them rather than learning how to build boundaries for myself.

Thanks bunny

It’s funny you mention that about being sensitive to leaning away from triggering stuff depending on the rest of your day – this is exactly what I communicated to this therapist at the beginning of the session.

I’d told them that this thing we’d been discussing had been dominating my thoughts and making me feel very stressed and actually stopping me from getting stuff done, and that I wanted to put it aside now for a bit, particularly because of work commitments that I needed to be able to perform this week and be on good form for.

but kind of -made a decision- to listen patiently as I felt it facilitated a stronger rapport and better relationship / sense of trust between us.

It’s wholly the therapists job to foster a sense of trust, and to offer a safe relationship where you can speak freely, which is very hard when you are listening to her views 50% of the time. That trust may develop slowly, but that’s part of the process. Therapy should help you hear yourself more clearly, which you won’t do if you’re listening to her.

@Jellycatspyjamas

but kind of -made a decision- to listen patiently as I felt it facilitated a stronger rapport and better relationship / sense of trust between us.

It’s wholly the therapists job to foster a sense of trust, and to offer a safe relationship where you can speak freely, which is very hard when you are listening to her views 50% of the time. That trust may develop slowly, but that’s part of the process. Therapy should help you hear yourself more clearly, which you won’t do if you’re listening to her.

Yes, I agree. Counselling I’ve had in the past has felt a little more like this.

It sounds like she was pissed that you dated to suggest to her to do things differently. She realized she'd exposed her annoyance and covered it up but it destabilized her. Offering to call her partner was just weird.

You are having to second guess your therapist and worry about her feelings by listening to her talk too much. Not great !

If you really like her apart from this, to move forward you have to talk to her about how you feel and tell her what you expect from her. This talk should be organized outside of a paying therapy session.

Can I ask why you have been so very careful to disguise the sex/gender of your therapist, consistently referring to him/her as they?

Asking if you wanted to speak to their partner is beyond strange.
The therapist was directing you to 'a higher authority' almost.
Sounds like the therapist felt unsure and nearly did this in a 'do you want to speak to my mother' or 'speak to the person who's in charge of me'....because they suddenly felt foolish and inadequate when you challenged them back.
Or if your therapist is a man and you are female, maybe they felt you would like to speak to a woman (if he thought he was being pushy or acted inappropriately somehow in the interpersonal space) because he could sense you are getting 'upset'.
If it was a female therapist maybe she couldn't handle thinking you were angry with her and asked did you want to talk to her 'Dad'.
If that was the case then that therapist thinks men are 'better' and more 'expert' than women.

The boundaries are ferociously important.
The therapy session has to have a set Beginning and a set Ending time so that it can feel safe, that you know someone is in charge of when it will be over. And that that therapist is 'strong' enough to put those rules in place and keep them.
If the therapist is saying 'we can go a bit over' then that is mood driven. It's based on the therapist trying to please you by being 'nice' to you.
Therefore the consistency has to be impeccable and not mood-driven behaviour on the part of the therapist.

@whatwasIgoingtosay

Can I ask why you have been so very careful to disguise the sex/gender of your therapist, consistently referring to him/her as they?

Why not? It’s just an easy thing to do to make the post less potentially outing. And the sex / gender isn’t relevant to the post.

@irene9

Asking if you wanted to speak to their partner is beyond strange. The therapist was directing you to 'a higher authority' almost. Sounds like the therapist felt unsure and nearly did this in a 'do you want to speak to my mother' or 'speak to the person who's in charge of me'....because they suddenly felt foolish and inadequate when you challenged them back. Or if your therapist is a man and you are female, maybe they felt you would like to speak to a woman (if he thought he was being pushy or acted inappropriately somehow in the interpersonal space) because he could sense you are getting 'upset'. If it was a female therapist maybe she couldn't handle thinking you were angry with her and asked did you want to talk to her 'Dad'. If that was the case then that therapist thinks men are 'better' and more 'expert' than women.

The boundaries are ferociously important.
The therapy session has to have a set Beginning and a set Ending time so that it can feel safe, that you know someone is in charge of when it will be over. And that that therapist is 'strong' enough to put those rules in place and keep them.
If the therapist is saying 'we can go a bit over' then that is mood driven. It's based on the therapist trying to please you by being 'nice' to you.
Therefore the consistency has to be impeccable and not mood-driven behaviour on the part of the therapist.

Fully fully agree with this and so well put.

And you took the words out of my mouth about the fetching their partner thing – this is exactly what I was thinking about it afterwards – like they went to get their parent to sort it out. Spot on.

@irene9 the only bit I’d disagree with is the strict gender characterisation as I think either of those scenarios could apply regardless of gender or sex.

I've had a lot of therapists. Some terrific, some good, and some bad ones. That's a bad one. Is he/she actually qualified? That's pretty basic stuff. My current therapist would always let me know if there were breaking out of role and it would be brief and appropriate to the discussion. I had one - a very nice older lady - who would often digress into her own stories - I remember thinking "you're very nice and all, but I'm not paying to listen to you talk about yourself". So I left her. You should always chuck a therapist if they let you down. There's a better one waiting for you. Personally I think the asking you if you wanted to continue or not, was a way to get you to feel needy and stay.

and asked if I wanted to speak to their partner (in the house somewhere) who is also a counsellor. I was like ?!?! No?!

WTaF?!!!!!

Is this counsellor BACP approved?
That is so fucking SERIOUSLY out of line I'm not sure where to start.

I think you should accept the 'offer' to stop seeing her, & find a counsellor who is actually focused on their patient, not their own voice or what their "partner who is also a counsellor" thinks.

Fucking creepy. So sorry you went through this bewildering & disconcerting session Rigatoni

@TheRigatonini

Thanks *@FrazzledY9Parent* !

My read of it was that I was getting a bit frustrated at them trying to steer the session where they thought it should go and they picked up on my impatience/frustration and seemed a bit piqued (they sort of looked a bit annoyed / smirky (like an irritated smile) for a short while), caught themselves and expressed an apology. I think the Intention with the question mark over the next session was because they were trying to express they were sorry if they hadn’t facilitated a good session and I’m not under pressure to continue – but it felt very hasty and odd to suppose that we would just end things there! I think I correctly picked up that they hadn’t enjoyed the way the session had gone and as a result they wanted it to end on time.

I now feel very aware that their family are in the house elsewhere during our sessions and feel weird about going back there. It gave me the sense that the sessions also get discussed with their partner too.

I might suggest a phone session next week and see how that goes.

Yeah, I got that sense too. You are not entertainment fodder for the counsellor's partner. Serious boundary violation going on even in offering for you to talk to the partner.

I reckon this counsellor is a bit shit, knows s/he's shit, & panicked.

[quote TheRigatonini]@Melminiani I believe it is supposed to be person-centred counselling, however I noted early on that this person’s style is rather involved / participatory / interventionist / directive / whatever for this model.[/quote]
Yeah, as I said - a bit shit.

You liking them personally should be immaterial Rig.

Of course you need to feel some rapport & plenty of trust - but how can you trust this eejit? THEY VOLUNTEERED THEIR PERSONAL PARTNER TO YOU FFS. Honestly it sounds like the opening scenes of a Cult movie.

They actually specifically said that when they’re with a client they find it quite easy to put any personal stuff/baggage/worries aside and switch it off.

They are bullshitting.
You know damn well they had their own agenda for YOUR session.
And this stuff is ... frankly disturbing -
They had a bit of an ‘I know better’ air, and I think towards the end my frustration was apparent. This seemed to trigger a bit of irritation in them which they then quickly ‘corrected’ - the irritated look went and they presented themselves with concern and apologised about the session. I think I picked up on a bit of weirdness, felt unsettled and it was just awkward all round.

You need to end therapy with this person.totally unprofessional and a therapist who talks 50/50 is out of order.Has this therapist supervision?it is really worrying people out there call themselves therapist and do a complete shite job.

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thanks for all the responses and apologies if there were any posts I missed in replying to. It was really helpful having this post to bounce thoughts off when this happened (it was a bit of an unsettling experience at a time when I was already trying to cultivate calm and order!) and the thoughts and comments have been a really valuable source of insight, wisdom and moral support. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I’ve read and appreciated every post.

I’ve decided I won’t be going back, and the contributions on this post helped clarify my thoughts, reaffirm the boundaries I felt were breached, and arrive at that decision with a sense of clarity.

Thank you everyone again.

Of course you need to feel some rapport & plenty of trust - but how can you trust this eejit? THEY VOLUNTEERED THEIR PERSONAL PARTNER TO YOU FFS. Honestly it sounds like the opening scenes of a Cult movie.

@ChargingBuck
So sorry you went through this bewildering & disconcerting session Rigatoni

And thank you for this and your other comments, appreciated.