"But we took you to stately homes"... a thread for adult children of abusive families

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This thread is a follow up to "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" because we reached the end of the thread life.

I originally posted on that thread to say that my mother had blamed me for something that was in fact her fault, called me a liar, got the rest of the family to gang up on me and then blamed me for splitting up the family.

It generated a huge amount of interest from a number of women who, like me, had grown up in an abusive, or "toxic" family environment where we had been the scapegoat or the dustbin for our parents to dump their own unresolved difficulties. My mother, like all our mothers, has refused to apologise for what she has done and many of us have cut ties with our families in order to recover our lost selves and self-esteem.

Message withdrawn

Smithfield,

Someone on the Guardian's website (its in their Family section on the talk pages; think its called "Family zapping my confidence") I read wrote this re their family:-

"I feel my immune system leaking at every contact".

I think that above comment is relevant to all of you.

Smithfield, protect your immune system from that toxic bloody Mother of yours!!!. Your DH needs to shield you from her. Such toxic people like your Mum have no heart, let alone a soul.

This is all about control - what a kind offer NOT to get you a mobile. I'd tell her to stick that where the sun does not shine.

Hi Attila, must start reading the Guardian...!

I also have got a new phrase thingymajig (as well...great minds think alike ) to possibly 'roll' with (joke...you'll get it in a moment...)

Boulder of Discontent (as it rolls down mountain it gathers momentum)

My dh mentioned it (in relation to an ex gf) but appropriate here...

And Smithfield...perhaps re read that bit in Toxic Parents about FOG...Fear Obligation and Guilt...and perhaps re read relavant bits of Divorce a Parent as well...or the really enpowering bit at the beginning about us being strong enough to break the chains that bind us...really makes me gnash my teeth that one...

Hope you sleep well tonight, think I'll be trying the blue watery thing Danae suggested...sounds good!

SMithfield, you do sound strong and sure of yourself from where I'm reading. Your DH IS fantastic! More supportive than mine. He has kind of taken my lead but it was funny to me because he dealt with it all in such a Japanese way--She called him up at work in the morning . He was in a meeting. SHe screeched down the phone at him for about 15 mins. He just listened and nodded and agreed. Then cut off her number from his phone and has never picked up the phone to her since.

So sorry to have scared you with "She wILL visit"! She most probably won'T.
What I didn'T want was for you to start drawing boundaries, then be shocked at her behaviour. I mean, I wanted to let you know the worst case scenario, so that if you go by that, then anything else will seem manageable. So I think the worst possible thing that can happen is that she turns up, and we've already decided what you can do if that happens. SO thats the worse case scenario dealt with. Anything else is manageable
The only other one I can think of is that she might get other family members to call you on her behalf. This is when you have to decide about where your loyalties lie. But I think we all agree that your loyalties lie with yourself, your DC and DH. So right now anyone else is just extra fluff and you don't have time for them in your head. If people take her side without talking to you about your side of the story or willing to listen to you, then right now, they are not worth it.
I'm so lucky that although it was touch and go for a while, in general, I've never really had that fear of being cut off by my brothers.

Sakura- I had to smile at the vision of your husband politely taking your mother's call, then, calmly wiping the number from the phone. Think DH has been skeptical about the whole concept of cutting her out. He says Im too forgiving and it is not in my nature, But as you know, it isnt about forgiveness. Every day I learn a little more about the cause and effect of having these people in my life, and it really 'is' detrimental. I have been reactive to them for far too long.
Yes, I am worried about other family members - this is usually my mothers forte. When ds was born,during our disagreement on the night I went into labour, she preceded to call every member of my family and tell them how badly we treated her.She also told them DH had called her a child abuser, He hadn't, he had said your issues with smithfield go back years, and there is stuff that may never be resolved. Looking back now I see the irony.
However I think now the damage regarding siblings has already been done. I say this with much sadness as Ive always yearned for the closeness some people have with their siblings. My younger db doesnt speak to me, my sis barely does and so that leaves middle db. I will find losing the relationship with middle db difficult. I love his two boys dearly and have a good relationship with sil. My mum 'will' strive to destroy the relationship I'm sure. But Im not sure she holds enough power to succeed.
My dad on the other hand is a whole other kettle of fish and all my siblings are very protective over him. I think I may have to accept 'when the time comes' to tackle that side of things that I will infact lose them all.
It is a lonely prospect, but I have to remind myself that I was living a lonely existence before anyway.
I am glad you are strongly bonded to your brothers sakura, it must be worth its weight in gold and its something I have often pined for.

Ally- 'Boulder of discontent'

Attila- lately I have wondered about this as I contracted asthma 4 years ago, which is quite late in life I think?
Thinking back this would have co-incided with a major family argument which broke out, whilst I was o'seas. The phonecalls from them around that time were relentless.
This pg has been very bad, in terms of chest infections, and asthma which I was nearly hospitalised over. Since ceasing contact, or engagement with my parents the asthma has subsided considerably.

Danae- I did try your meditation last night, but I was so agitated I didnt quite manage it.
Insread I had a very restless night!
I like the idea of including ds in this, I might have another go this afternoon.

Ally- Thanks again. I love your maintaining a sense of humor in all this. Its very calming and alleviates much stress.
I will try and re-read the stuff about FOG if I can at some point today.
And speaking of the humorous (sp) side;
Last time mummy dearest stayed here, her and dh were in the kitchen when I heard raised voices. Cue five minutes later DH returns to the living room looking perplexed. My mother then saunters in with a can of drink in one hand and her take-away in the other.
We all preceded to eat our dinner when after a good twenty mins/ half an hour my mum Yells;
'OH my god! Im drinking 7up!' (and btw she had drunk the whole can by now)

It turned out the disturbance in the kitchen earlier was because my mother had taken a can of 7up from the fridge (she never ever drinks 7up and is a coke addict...Uhm, the drink that is)

DH innocently says;

'Smithfields mum? I never knew you drank 7up?'

'Eh? What?' she yelled 'what ARE you talking about? (you nincompoop son il?)
'I NEVER drink 7up, pah' and with that she flounces out clutching her can of 7up.

Makes us cry laughing that one.

To Pages, Ally and the others who have mainly been emotionally abused and therefore sometimes wonder whether they were really abused or not. I really really want to add here that the physical abuse that I experienced was nothing compared to the emotional/phychological abuse. I just use the physical side of it to remind myself that something wasn't right. Without the physical abuse to help me I would never have had the "realisation" and probably wouldn'T have figured out that I was in a toxic family.
I really think that on this thread everyone's pain is at the same level-as Danae said, How much pain can you take before you can consider cutting your mother out of your life? Well, the answer is: a LOT

Also, The women on here who were not allowed to develop deep bonds of friendship with their siblings are suffering twice or three times over. I think that is one of the worst crimes a mother can commit- to foster rivalry and pecking orders amonst her children because she is jealous of their natural bond. My EMIL does this. She really is a miserable human being so Dh will never be able to consider his brother as a friend- they don't speak and hate each other and its all down to her. She passes on all kinds of malicious gossip about him to my DH, and yet she has never laid a finger on him.

Yes, I have been physically abused, yes its easier to describe, but please don't anyone let that negate or trivialise their own feelings or personal experiences!

Message withdrawn

x posts with you smithfield!
YEs, this is not about forgiveness. I have forgiven my mother to the extent that I can understand that to be the ways she is she is either a) very ill or b) had a very messed up childhood. But neither of those things absolve her of her responsibility to not abuse her children. She has never been held accountable for her behaviour towards me but since the wedding she has been.
I forgive her, but not enough to allow her to ruin my life.

Your mb may or may not go to her uside. I suspect he may be wooed by her rantings in the beginning and may take her side at first, but with time I think he'l come round. The reason I know this is because when my mother blackened my name within the family and beyond, I thought okay, fine I'm the evil daughter. Let everyone think that. Whatever I do won't be good enough anyway. And then I realised, she will have to be very well behaved amongst people for the charade of evil daughter to continue.I mean if she shows people her rages, as she inevitably will because its her personality, then the seeds of doubt are going to be sown in peoples minds. "Hmm, maybe there are two sides to the story" "Its no wonder Sakura doesn't speak to this woman anymore". "I wonder what really went on". People will forget what the orginal argument was about and all they will know is that Smithfield doesn't speak to her mother. If your mother slips up with any other members of the family, and she will, because one of them at some point is going to assert some kind of independance, then the facade will start to crack and people will start to see through her. Probably your mb first. Maybe never the others, but deep down they will know.

Oh and 7up story- Sam VAk explains why narcissists have no preferences or don't really know what their preferences are- even for food. ITs something to do with them not bein a real person. EVerything about them is made up- there is nothing solid there IYSWIM

Hi all, just need to offload some thoughts at the moment. Today is another emotional day after the relative calm of yesterday. What I'm finding the hardest is that I feel my mother emotionally abandoned me but to all intents and purposes to an outsider it would look as if she was a great mother. I don't really know why i even care about what other people might think, and I haven't even talked about it to anyone apart from on here and to my counsellor. I guess i just want someone to understand that even though i was clothed and fed by my mum, other than that i was left to totally fend for myself from a very young age, i think from about the age of 2 or even before that but of course i have no real memories that far back.

I might as well have been left in an orphanage as that's how i felt growing up, my parents were there ie i could see and hear them and yet for me, they weren't really there at all, i was alone and have always felt alone all my life. My sisters were also there, but again for me not really there, we had no closeness, no bond, nothing. There was an article i read recently, (will try and post a link later) where it said that a child whose mother has not bonded with him/her will feel no sense of belonging to the family, she will feel 'like an alien in an alien land' and that describes me exactly as a child. I used to look around me at my 'family' and feel amazed that i was part of this family as i felt so detached from everyone in it.

I even once told my mother that i felt like i was not part of the family but of course she just brushed my feelings aside and ignored me. She was of course using me to act out her own feelings of being left out when she was a child. I felt very angry again this morning, but now i just feel very upset. I do look forward to the day when i hopefully can come to terms with all these feelings and can move forward.

Hello to all.

Would greatly appreciate it if you wise and compassionate ladies who are on this journey with me could hop over to my thread. I am really struggling atm, and need your thoughts/perspective.

Mum is in her final weeks with terminal cancer. My heart hurts, and my brain won't turn off.

It is hugely comforting to hear from people who understand/know this painful path (it's so very different to when a loving/much loved parent is dying). Apart from my analyst, I don't feel there is anyone I can speak to about this in real life. It's too confusing and bleak. Please help if you can.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/458479?stamp=080117112002

Sakura- I totally understand where you are coming from with this. I feel like my mother has already burnt a lot of bridges within the family and that is why I am not 'as' afraid of her within the pack IYSWIM. Her power became greatly diminished in the years I was away because she had to find an alternative whipping boy. Each of my siblings have been in that role now and have all bt turned their backs on her. The only one's not to have being me and middle db.
I often wonder lately about younger db, he hasnt cut me out as such, but just doesnt contact me, nor does he contact middle Db. He has cut my mother out completely (for almost 2 years now) and I wonder if he unconciously decided to do the same to me and middle db as we had most contact with my mum?
Also thankyou for validating for me the abuse. I think it can be so difficult to accept, because somehow it just doesnt fit with societal view of abuse.

Danae- I don't have access to CAT atm but I will set it up as I think it would be useful and I would love to borrow the cd.
BTW did you have a natural birth? Use hypnobirthing? I 'so' wanted a natural birth with ds but alas it was not to be in the end (far to much stress). But I did do the antenatal yoga right the way through, which was excellent. There was alot of meditation within that that really helped me.

Earlybird- (((((hugs)))) I will visit your thread after posting this. This mustr be so difficult to deal with.

Oneplusone- I think this follows on nicely from sakuras lovely post about emotional abuse and I wanted to copy this piece from a book I am reading for you;

Beths Story- 'My mum was always there doing the usual mom stuff. We had a lot of time in the house with her-she was...there. But I remember feeling like I couldnt get close enough to her. It's hard to describe. Like she was there and really cared, but not really....I remember telling her this big thing about my best friend humiliating me in the school............and she'd nod. and make the right noises, but it was like she was putting in her time, doing the 'mom thing' from the 'mom book'....as soon as I was finished she'd start talking about herself.....and this wasnt one time, one time, one incident-ot was ALL the time!...I worshipped her.....but it was like trying to grab smoke-you see it, but you cant get it into your hand. I still feel that way.

Think this story is very poignant in that it shows the sheer emotional stress that it causes a child when they simply can not get close to their mother. they are not allowed that proximity and do not understand why.
I understand your sadness and confusion oneplusone. Our mothers wanted to get 'their' needs met by us, not the other way round. And to a child this is abuse.

Smithfield

My DH has asthma at present for which an inhalar is used twice a day. He had a very bad cold/chest infection and the asthma has followed on from that. (I suggested he visit the GP before Christmas but he wasn't having any of it.)

Anyhoo, he was also told that any stress will make his asthma worse. It is not therefore surprising to me that your adult onset asthma attacks have decreased following your separation from the parents.

Hi, smithfield thanks for that extract, it is definately how i felt with my mum. This morning i re-read that article you posted a while ago by an american lawyer who represents children in child abuse cases. It made me cry (again) but there was one thing he said that I think may be relevant to us right now. He said that with physical abuse there are obvious scars to show what has been done to the child, but with emotional abuse there is no outward sign. I actually have to disagree with that as i think, in my case at least, the outward sign that i have of the emotional neglect by my mum is my eczema. I know that i have had it since i was 2, not since birth and i know also that at the age of 2 my parents moved to another country and i was left alone for the first time with my mum, whereas before then i always had many other family members around me to look after me and care for me.

My own theory about myself is that my eczema started at the age of 2 as a sign that something was not right. I could not vocalise how i felt but my body 'knew' i was hurting inside and tried to show it by my eczema. I was really only alerted to this connection by (once again) Alice Miller and many of her books in which she gives examples of people who suffered eg rheumatism (sp), infections etc and she says these were all attempts by the body to tell you that something was wrong. As children we would all have suppressed our anger/pain at our mistreatment by our parents, but that pain/anger is stored in our bodies and finds an outlet through some form of illness.

I have found that my eczema is gradually improving the more i access and release my suppressed feelings about my parents and i totally beleive that what Alice Miller says is true.

Sorry to keep banging on about Alice Miller but I think she is amazing with her knowledge and insight about this subject.

Smithfield, i think your own story verifies what AM says in that you say your asthma improved when you had less contact with your family.

Sakura, i totally agree that the emotional neglect (in my case) is so much more painful than the physical/verbal abuse i suffered from my dad. Emotional abuse is so much harder to explain to yourself never mind others and i think that in itself makes it that much harder to deal with and heal.

Sorry for the abrupt sounding post, don't have much time as due to go on school run soon. Will be back later. x

Thanks Sakura! See I know mentally that emotional abuse is the worst bit of physical/sexual abuse (read it and heard it from some (not all) survivors) but it 'emotionally' doesn't always register. Just having 'discussion' with dh about it this evening. I get so mad at all the ad's for child abuse (not saying rescuing a child in danger is a bad thing! I nearly cry at those ad's!!), not one says anything about emotional abuse which can cause, ultimately, suicide. Nearly did with me! But as usual he pointed out rightly that its too vague a definition to enforce any rules. Just wish something could be done. I just feel such an anomaly, because so many people with emotional abuse stay with it. I somehow slipped the net. As did Kaz and a handful of others. I do tend to do myself down to people who seem to have been emotionally abused (boho) to get them to see that there was a problem and they can legitmately ask and receive support. Grr...wish I had a bit more time...maybe when my dd and future dc have grown up!

Sorry...hit a pressure point there Sakura! Don't mean in a bad way, appreciate your validation of us!

Oneplusone...your doing well, loads of emotion coming out... Going to have to go and see Alice Miller books. Would suggest you go see Beverly Engel Divorce a Parent but she's out of print now her books cost min of £25 So I've emailed her to reprint

Smithfield - How are you now? Hope you sleep okay tonight...I'll send calming thoughts your way! Remember, do a quiz...

Your dd is pg

Do you

a) insist on being in the labour room, so verbally aggressively that you bring your dd into labour.

b) ask your dd what she needs of you at this exciting, but emotional time.

having trouble with that one...I'm not sure...

Hi Ally, I totally agree with you that emotional child abuse needs to be far more widely publicised and recognised. The way it affects you in adult life is frightening and I am sure many many people have suffered emotional abuse as children but are not even aware of it, whilst at the same time trying to tackle, as adults, things like depression, anger management, panic attacks, low self esteem without ever realising the root cause of all these conditions.

When I am in bookshops sometimes i see so many 'self help' books on depression etc and I now think they are all pointless. The depression is, I am sure in a vast majority of cases caused by issues from childhood. But I am also sure that many people, like myself before i began this journey, are just not aware that they were abused/neglected/mistreated in childhood and exactly how they were abused and how this abuse is now affecting their adult life.

I really only stumbled across the fact that i was abused when i was looking at books on parenting in relation to my own DD. It is only when i came across examples of how it may affect a child if he/she is not loved etc that I began to realise that I had myself been abused as I had so many of the 'symptoms' described in the parenting books.

As Alice Miller (sorry!) says, if we all addressed our childhood issues and thus ensured they weren't passed onto the next generation, we would all live in a much happier, more peaceful and less violent world.

WEll exactly oneplusone. Totally agree. I even think that bipolar and schizophrenia are connected to childhood abuse. Yes the people with these depressive illnesses have brains that work differently to healthy brains but it is a fact now that early abuse alters the brain!! Even leaving a baby to cry for too long increases the stress hormone cortisol in the brain and if left too frequently for too long, they say its brain will change irreversably. So obviously people who are depressed because of "chemical imbalances" in the brain, could well have had these imbalances brought on by the way they were treated as a child!
This, for me, is one of the saddest things about childhood abuse.
And as you say, the self-help books on random things like self-esteem or depression are all missing the point, the root of the real problems. I once read a memoir of an alcoholic woman. She discussed alcohol being genetic, a real disease, how her father must have been an alcoholic, how she had always used it as an escape. And all the way through I kept thinking she's missing the point. . She was not looking at the pain her father must have caused the family and there was not one mention of her mother in the whole book. Not one, happy or sad mention of her mother. This told me more than anything about her-. It was so obvious that she still hadn't faced the pain of her childhood that had caused her to become an alcoholic in the firstplace. She was blaming the alcohol itself, and I think she was way off the mark.

I also had no idea I had been abused. The only reason I finally 'got it' was because my mother really behaved abominably over my wedding, and deep down I kind of knew a normal mother would be pleased for their daughter, and also I read a website about abuse around that time and put two and two together.I had a lot of problems in my life then (financial, emotional) and I really hit the lowest of low rock bottoms, and its only then that I thought something might not be right in relation to my mother.

Yes, I agree Sakura, that so called mental illnesses are connected to childhood abuse and that very early neglect/abuse actually alters the brain's pathways and development. This is documented in a book i have mentioned before called "Why Love Matters - How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain". This perhaps has led 'professionals' to think these mental illnesses are genetic but i don't think they are, they were caused by early childhood abuse which of course takes place very often in an environment where there is no witness ie there is only the parent and the child and of course the child cannot speak or communicate and so it can be abused with inpunity by the parent. I agree with Alice Miller that childhood abuse is the worst crime of all as it not only is a crime against that child and the adult into which he/she will grow, but a crime against the whole of society and the next generation.

Agree totally with what you are both saying! If the government would just spend some time and money on educating people maybe, just maybe, the next generation will be happier. Although I think this is starting to happen. They seem to be talking more of 'feelings' in classrooms now and respect for one another.

Do you also have an 'abused' adult child antenna? I don't think I have a single freind who was not abused. I have about 8 friends/aquintences I socialise with, I would say all 8 have suffered some sort of emotional abuse and 3 of them are aware of it and sought councelling, the rest are in denial or 'that's what mothers do' and look at me like an oddity for not accepting 'normal' mother behaviour!! Not that I come out and ask if the were abused (I'm not that untactful in real life ) You just look at their interactions with you and others and listen about their relationship with their mother.

Have you met up with that lady who has had no contact with her parents yet Oneplusone?

Oh and if you read 'They fuck you up' by Oliver James (or vice versa!) that has v interesting stuff in on study of twins with schizophrenia and abuse in general. Very good insightful book. But also highlights parenting skills. Gave me a few sleepless nights...just a warning! But very interesting nonetheless.

Thank you Sakura, Ally, Oneplusone.
For the longest time (I'll be 46 next week) it didn't even cross my mind that I had had a bad childhood. With your help, I realized that a few weeks ago.
I "get it" now! The clarity! This is the truth, my truth:
The way my NPD Middle Sister treats me is only the present trail of the enduring way that I have been treated since childhood by my Mother. I can very well believe that she was one to let me 'cry it out' as an infant because this is what she did in times that I can remember. I was ignored, unloved and invisible. Why would it be any different while I was an infant? Blasted Dr. Spock!! We don't hear too much about him anymore do we?

Thank you for showing me the links to the chain and why each phase, circumstance, etc is valid and I am not making it up or being too 'sensitive' or too selfish to be strong for myself to stand up to it, recognize it (thus stop denying it-'they did the best they could'-I am SURE I've written that in a previous post) and be angry about it, and grieve how I should have been treated but wasn't.
I can now see why sometimes I feel childish for the way I feel. One, I wasn't allowed or recognized to have feelings as a child and it is safe for them to come out now; and two, NPD people want to keep me in the diminished posture. My feelings are not childish-even if I were a child now, the feelings are justified and valid. Children's feelings are valid and adult feelings are valid.

I am now thankful (edited a word I'm not quite ready to use there ) that Mother was not around when my children were born ('92 & '94). I followed my instincts and never let my babies cry-I always got to them as soon as I could to hold them-even if it meant sleeping with my infant on my chest on the sofa which I did many a night.
_

I didn't think I had self-harmed. Think again: I used to bite my fingernails and hangnails-all ten- to the quick, drawing blood, for years. I finally stopped when I convinced myself that I'd eventually do nerve damage and lose feeling in my fingers! Physical pain to manifest the emotional pain, right? Picked scabs, too.

I remember in school, ALWAYS walking with my head down, looking at the floor 3 or 4 feet in front of me.

I used to wonder why I so identified with movie characters The Phantom of the Opera, or The Man Without a Face. His scars showed, mine did not. Then to diminish myself (as trained) I came to believe that by a certain age, everyone had scars, some just showed more than others. That one (denial mechanism) got me through the last 3 or 4 years.

I came to believe my role in life was a support position, only. I was one of the stage crew that dressed all in black and did my work silently in the dark between Acts of a play. There was evidence that I was there, but I was never identified, recognized, or credited. Invisible. The past few years has been much better with DH because he has made more effort to simply say 'How am I doing?' and he does give credit to me that dc have turned out well (so far-knock on wood). BTW, that somehow makes me uncomfortable, but I'll think on that later.

I am jumping the abyss and landing safely on the other side! I am doing it! Also, I am calling this my Dorothy moment, from the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists book- the power to do this is within me.

Thank you again for your support.

Your welcome

Sounds like self harming the nailbiting to drawing blood (ouch!)

At various times I...

Asked god why i was born if I was such a bad person

Believed my sister when she said I had been left by gypsies

Thought I had been reincarnated and in a previous life been a murderer to be treated so badly

All that about the age of 6. After that I just accepted I was just one of those horrible people noone liked or wanted to know.

Looks like your soon to be born new baby is going to have a great mum nice that your dh has complimented you on the way you have brought up your first two Now if you can just keep your lovely ms away....

Did you know TMSB that you can divorce a parent after they have died? Its in Beverly Engels book...which is out of print. I have emailed her to reprint it. (ooh NPD side of me coming out...she WILL listen to me! lol)

{{hugs}} to Smithfield. I am starting to feel more than a little uncomfortable, physically, so I know you must be more so. (Emotionally, I'm still a little topsy turvy, but I am learning to pace myself.)
I hope you are able to find some peace and tranquility and that your dh can continue to provide sanctuary for you. Bravo Smithfield's dear husband.
I soaked in the tub last night, which I never do. My back has started to ache. Jammed a washcloth in the overflow drain holes and filled the tub all the way up. I was able to roll onto my tummy with just enough buoyancy that it worked...that felt so good because I love sleeping on my stomach and miss it. Then draining the water away-was like the stress and toxins and every fear that I have been harboring oozed out of my body and swirled down the drain.
Take care and I hope you can truly relax. You deserve to.

Hi all, only had time for a very brief skim but just wanted to say Earlybird that I have been thinking of you and hoping that you have got some answers on your thread. I haven't visited it yet but only because I am still not sure if I am qualified to advise you. You have entered territory that I haven't yet (but am aware I will at some point in the future), so you are further down the road than me, or many of us (I think Duke is experiencing similar atm?). Smithfield, I hope that your situation is a different one.

Anyway will pop over later and answer you properly. Hope you are okay, love, and remember that you don't have to forgive to be at peace, but you can at the same time have compassion.

Thanks Ally90
I also used to think I must have done something terrible in a previous life and simply was serving a life that I deserved. I do believe in "what goes around, comes around". Therefore, that is proof: silly-arse brain of mine.

Divorcing my parents after they have passed on. I just finished Toxic Parents and it had a bit on reading the separation letter at the grave site which is about 400 miles away from me.
I was going to say (in a previous post) I was glad my mother was dead and not able to "help" me when my babies were born. When I had feelings of missing her, they were all too quickly tempered with the thought that she'd have made me miserable. I feel sad for her, but I don't miss her anymore (its been 27 years since she passed). I can not have the same feeling toward my Dad though. He did admit at one point that he wasn't a very good parent to me (I was too shocked to respond in the moment) so he had some awareness. He did help when my babies were born-"chief bottle washer" even though I was nursing he did errands and cooked etc. It was not stressful at all having him there. We got along well in my adult years, but it did not repair, heal, or fix the emotional void left as an infant, toddler, child, adolescent. That I now realize.
Divorce mom, yes-in effect-probably already has been done. But, Dad, I don't think it is necessary.