"But we took you to stately homes"... a thread for adult children of abusive families

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This thread is a follow up to "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" because we reached the end of the thread life.

I originally posted on that thread to say that my mother had blamed me for something that was in fact her fault, called me a liar, got the rest of the family to gang up on me and then blamed me for splitting up the family.

It generated a huge amount of interest from a number of women who, like me, had grown up in an abusive, or "toxic" family environment where we had been the scapegoat or the dustbin for our parents to dump their own unresolved difficulties. My mother, like all our mothers, has refused to apologise for what she has done and many of us have cut ties with our families in order to recover our lost selves and self-esteem.

Smithfield, oh how stressful are those phones ringing! I remember well...oh happy days

Okay, your dh is going to have to go into protective mode. YOU and YOUR BABY do NOT NEED STRESS. End of story. I read what you put to MuffinMclay yesterday, your mother did all that at your previous birth? My god!! The woman is not just thick skinned!! Bulldozer is a good word, all metal and no heart!! She is NOT going to do that this time.

It is NOT a convenient time for her to visit. You do NOT need to justify what you are doing, this is YOUR life/life of YOUR family not her's. I know you will automatically think that she needs a reason, I always did for my mother, but you really DON'T need to give her reasons, or ANYONE ELSE. And your mother is included in that anyone else! She is NOT a special case, she may like to think she is afterall she is your mother (bollocks and crap to that, what kind of mother does what she did to you when giving birth FGS?!) Let your dh take her demands on, his duty is to protect you and your child right now and that includes from your mother.

So to sum up.

No Mrs Smithfields mum, it is not convenient for you to visit, yes I can hear you are upset/angry and it is not our intention to upset you but this is how it is and your upset/anger changes nothing. Phone down. Job done. Lock front door and turn off phones/change phone number (that works a treat btw, you stop fearing phonecalls...as long as you change the 'ringtone' you had too!) You don't even need the stress of your mother ringing the phone right now, even if you are not answering it.

And yes v strange how all of a sudden she is up and about and no mention of cancer? She must be the bionic woman.

Of course you can choose not to do any of this I'm not your mother thank god for that....

And as for the mobile...well I'm sure we can all think of something she can do with that...

kaz- thanks- I think the problem is Ive never dealt with her 'this' way. As in, I normally end up getting drawn in by having heated conversations/arguments and not ever about the real issue. Probably because Ive bottled off my feelings in order to please her, but then resentment and anger spills out anyway.
Then of course, I feel guilty, think its all me and back down.

This time is 'the' first time I've distanced myself. So Im giving her the message, 'NO' i dont want to talk right now or have contact, so establishing what 'I' want for once but avoiding confrontation at the same time.
Does that make sense?

The upshot is she seems to be getting more and more relentless in her attempts to 'engage with me'. She would rather have the confrontation Im sure, so she can play victim, I feel like thats what she is trying to force me into doing.
I think that's what I need help with is not allowing that to happen. Not repeating old patterns.

You are right that having her stay would be a disaster atm. Id have my own physical reaction to deal with, plus mental reaction. On top of this the added pressure of taking care (resentfully) of her needs. Because in her world she is my guest and I should treat her as such in my home, pg or not.
Im cross about the mobile as well. She has bought me a new mobile! I would have seen this as an act of kindness, would have been grateful. I dont see it that way now. I see it as another way of her enforcing her will on me. She 'will' have line of communication if 'she' wishes.

Sorry Kaz Im really going on a bit..open floodgates!

Ally-xposted with you.

Thanyou! You are my voice of reason....
And the voice of humor too thanks, had a good chuckle re bionic woman. And reference to what she can do with mobile

At least I am more aware now. Believe it or not the mobile I would have seen as 'good' intention not so long ago. Coming to my senses at last!

Going to take ds to splash in puddles...good stress relief!

back later no doubt

Smithfield - keep talking, permisssion to rant as much as you need to. We all feel very protective.

Ally, great post. LOL at "NO Mrs SMithfields mum", the bionic woman... and SO true about the ringtone. I pretended I didn't have a mobile, so all the phone calls from her (and dad) used to go to DH's phone, often late at night. I never answered, but used to sit there, knowing she was on the other end of the line. Well DH has a new phone now, and we gave DD the old one to play with, like a toy. Well today, she accidentally changed the ringtone onto THAT one. It sent a chill down my spine!

Smithfield, this woman is not interested in you at all. It is now all about her, full throttle. She will increase the pressure, get worse and worse. Yes she might even start becoming a bit phsychotic/manic. I believe she will turn up on your doorstep.

How to deal with this. I don't think now is the right time for the confrontation- I'm sure that will be terrible for your health. So all your energies, all your energies now must go into keeping away from her. Do you have the means of going to stay with a friend for the weekends she's threatening to come? Could you consider going away to a B&B- just a cheap one- might be nice to have someone cook you breakfast. Would your DH think you're overreacting if you did this?(you wouldn't be- your mother is on the warpath!) If he does think you're overreacting to go away for the weekend, can you get him to promise that he'll be with you at all times over these weekends then, when the doorbell will inevitably ring.
DO NOT accept the phone. It is NOT a gift- it is so she can keep tabs on you, keep check on you, and call you whenever she damn well pleases. You do NOT accept this phone!!!PLease!! THis woman CANNOT spoil this pregnancy and birth too. We won't allow it.
So whats the plan of action? I think Ally's advice is perfect- SHort sharp text from DH to say that she can't come at the moment. Then cross the next bridge when you come to it.
You're going to be so much stronger after all of this, and for standing up to her.

Maybe this mantra will help "Take each day as it comes/Take one day at a time"
If you split what is happening into daily blocks in your mind, it might become easier to cope with as opposed to feeling the impending "disaster" that your mother might or might not inflict. Just get through each day, one at a time and it will gradually get easier and easier.

Smithfield, i have only just skim read all the recent posts but i totally agree with everyone else.

Remember why you are on this thread in the first place. Your mum is TOXIC. She is bad for your health (and therefore your unborn baby's health). Keep her away from you as you would any other toxic matter.

Post on here anytime you are feeling unsure/guilty/scared and we will all support you. x

I have a slightly 'at a tangent' post so apologies.

I was on the way home from the school run this morning. I got chatting to a mum who lives down my road who i talk to occasionally. She mentioned that her parents were coming to stay at the weekend. I made no comment. She then said she didn't get on with her parents. And i said i didn't get on with mine. Then she said, no, she REALLY didn't get on with her parents and hadn't seen them for 3 years. I said i didn't normally talk about it but i hadn't seen my parents for 2 years since i cut them out of my life. She said she had done the same. By that time we had reached her house and i had to get home. So we agreed to meet up soon to compare notes.

It sounds very silly but I am so excited to have met someone in real life who may have gone through what i am going through.

I talk to the other mums at DD's school and get on well with a few of them, but i always have this feeling that they are in one world and i am in another because of my family 'stuff'. It will be nice to be able to talk to someone who 'understands' and to not have to dread the topic of parents coming up in conversation.

Sakura...hit nail on head...'WE will not allow it'!!

So there Smithfield, we are not going to let your mother get you this time. By mind control alone. Yes mobile is her way of saying 'I know you can get a mobile if you want, so I'm going to make sure I get you one so you know and I know you then have NO excuses not to answer my phonecalls' Its a power thing. And treating you like a naughty child not doing as you are told and treating your mother without respect.

I know at this stage of being pg and being in a similar situation with my mother ie a holding pattern she got more and more verbally aggressive and emotionally blackmailing, which is why I sent a separation letter when I did (feb, was due in apr). The benefits were I had drawn a line in the sand so to speak. I had made it clear my needs and wants for once, and although I felt guilty about my mothers possible feelings I also felt relief that I didn't have to constantly fend her off with 'its not convenient right now'. But the downside was I constantly felt a need to justify it to myself. However I do feel this thread would have benefitted me then for support of what I was doing. As it was I felt I was in a very isolated and lonely place. Me versus the rest of the world (I tend to think the world is against me...from my mother's child training manual) condemning what I had done because mothers are 'all' wonderful (as my mother constantly told me she was a 'good' mother, got to say it confused me as to what a 'bad' mother would be like...).

This is your choice and believe it or not, you are in control this time. Your mother's behaviour when you were last pg, by ANYONE's (normal, sane, boundry keeping person's) behavioural standards is enough to keep her away for good.

Remember you do have locks on your doors and windows (to keep out burglars and mothers) and if you do not want your mother in your house you don't have to have her there. Nor does she need to know when you go into hospital. Or when you come out.

Suggest you try another quiz if the guilt is getting too much.

Remember...your not alone, you have us here and your dh.

And don't get too angry about the mobile...pity her lack of empathy, it must be hard going through life thinking of 'me me me'. Ooh and have you thought of channelling the anger? Do some nesting instead...give the floor a bloody good mop...or something as energetic as you can do at 36 wks pg....

And smithfield, our type of mums can indeed be VERY thick skinned. In 2005 me, DH and DD were going to Australia for a year (to get away from my parents although they didn't know that) and to see if we liked it and whether we could live there permanently.

Before we went my mum kept saying over and over again that she and my dad would come over to visit us in Australia. I always very politely and nicely said no, they should go on holiday to x place where they have some relatives. I had to repeat myself over and over again as she just kept on and on saying they would come over, she just didn't seem to get the hint no matter how many times i said no she should go elsewhere for her hols.

Even once we got there i would get emails from them saying they would love to come over and visit. It was much easier to fend them off from over there and i just kept saying no. But it did make me realise just how selfish and thick skinned they are.

I realised i had to be blunt if not downright rude to my parents in order to get through to them and even that wouldn't work and it would turn into a row with me as the bad guy.

Anyway, all this was before i cut them out in 2006 so no more problems like that anymore, we can go wherever we want in the world and my parents wouldn't have a clue where we were! And i think even they have now finally got the message that they are not welcome to be anywhere near me.

Ooh you lucky thing oneplusone! I would be excited too. I know one person who has been non contact in the past but in contact now but she's always busy (you know where you get a bit paranoid about someone always being 'busy'?). I always not exactly put up my hackles when people talk of family...but I do start shifting in my seat and thinking of ways to turn the conversation. And go a bit red when I am forced to say 'actually I'm not in contact with my family anymore' and sometimes feel the need to burst into tears but restrain myself. And when they talk about family in a happy positive way...that's a bit worse...you realise what your missing out on.

hi ally, thank you, glad you don't think i'm being silly to get so excited over this possible new friend!

Perhaps we should arrange a 'meet' for everyone on this thread so we can all chat in real life too!

As i've mentioned before, my emotions tend to rise up and hit me like waves and today seems to be a relatively calm day after the turmoil of the last few days. I'm glad as being hit by the waves (or tsunamis may be a better description) can get very tiring and draining.

Hope you are all keeping well, and especially smithfield. x

Not silly at all...I personally feel I stand out like a sore thumb in society because of not having contact with my family.

I often wonder about meeting up...but I think we are quite far afield from each other...? I'm in north yorkshire...not too worried about saying that...my mother is not computer literate (read that is can't use mouse/problems finding 'on' button) and my family don't know I use this website...

I get good and bad days...and calm days when I think 'hell I don't need anymore therapy...I'm fine!' usually the next day is a downer...maybe manic depression? Or is my hypochondria getting the better of me???

Just going through a period with a lot of calmness and no emotion. Its good you are feeling something oneplusone, have you had therapy?

Message withdrawn

Nice one Danae

So Smithfield...which house do we queue outside of?

PMSL

Hi guys

Oneplusone- thats great news. I'd love to have a connection with someone. Fate is a funny old thing isnt it!
Where did you live in Australia- close to my heart that as I met , DH there and had my ds there too. We lived in sydney for 6 years. Tempted to board a flight right now

Ally- I dont know how you coped without a lifeline like this thread. Not sure I would have come to this point at all! I remember first reading and thinking Huh? Could I do this, really? Cut them out. I have the right to do that!
And you are right. I jump whenever the damn phone rings. And yes it is all playing on my mind, disturbing the calm and sense of vitality I was starting to feel before all this beagn in ernest.
It must have been very confronting for you. It shows though just how strongly you must have felt.

Sakura- can relate re the mobile, she has taken to ringing dh's mobile on a regular basis now! Strange that as she barely has two words to say to him normally.
Must say I was a bit scared when you said 'SHE WILL' visit We are 200 miles away? Do you really think this is a possibility?
DH after conversation with my mother (see below) this pm said, without any mention by me. If it takes staying in a B&B to keep her away that is what we will do.

kaz- thanks for your support. And I do feel like Im ranting but thanyou for being so accepting. It means a lot just to know people are willing to listen.

I have that stomach ripped out feeling- Im sure you will relate.
I've had to be a movie on for ds( and feel guilty for that),But I cant cope atm which makes me ... at least we had our puddle splashing session, and tumble tots today so I will endeavour not to eat myself up.
I Feel like I should be making every minute of 'my just me and him' time now without the dark spectre of my mother looming over me.

Ok so Im stalling- update- phone rang out again at 12. So I called dh said its driving me crazy. Went out to tumble tots and on my return DH rings and says; he has had a conversation with.... Baldrick... (the bionic female version.)

Heart jumped. Dont know the full extent of conversation yet, but, think it went along the lines of

'no you cant stay atm, not convenient, we have no bedroom free as decorating for new arrival (which is actually true!).
True to form she says bed and breakfast?
Think there was a bit more too and fro, and he then said ;

'Look smithfields mum, I do not want a repeat of three years ago, this HAS to be a different experience, SO when smithfield is good and ready SHE will contact YOU. Thanks for the mobile but we will but her own.

Apparently there was some mention by her of wether I just had an issue with her, or with other members of family???
Is this a bad move guys? You have experienced this. I feel as though it might not have been the best move as 'red rag to bull'? springs to mind?

Your DH sounds brilliant - give him a big hug

No advice really as my experiences are very different. But you need to keep her away.

Danae- thanks just xposted- made me lol.{grin]
Can I add that the SIX weeks she spent with us was in NO way about me! This will stun you further, but mother was in the middle of divorce and the family home was due to go on market. She was still living in family home and would recieve her income from my father until said home was sold. SO, whilst safely ensconced (sp)in australia (and very much in holiday mode-) the process was of course on hold and she could count the pennies so to speak.
Now who said Wiley as a fox?

But Danae- could I borrow maman?

Message withdrawn

*beat myself up But yes I may turn to food!

Danae- Thankyou- this is helping me calm down quite a bit. I will give DH a hug when he gets back. Your post really helped me re-focus. She will be ringing her cronies now telling them how hard done by she is Im sure.
AND Danae- when you give your NPD rhino hide the heave ho, I will be right there with you!

Anything short of the red carpet treatment with vintage champayne and canape's would be a red rag to a bionic baldrick bull.

I think what your dh said summed it up nicely. Gold star I say! Or blue ribbon if that's okay Pages?

You really honestly cannot give her more information than that, it is to the point and why on earth would she try to dilute it by asking if your problem was with her or other members of the family? Good lord has the woman no feelings? Hang on...bionic...her heart will be made of plastic/metal...

Sooo how about changing your phone number? All that shock of the phone ringing is not good for you or baby...

And yes she could travel to see you...but again...you would have to invite her into your house. But you have windows to shout out of...or sofa's to hide behind...she can't get to you now Smithfield, your in your safe place now...she can only get at you in your thoughts. So fill your head with positive things, mentally leave your mother until after you have the baby...maybe about a year or so...I wrote my letter when my dd was 2 months old...I must have been mental. got 2 go!