"But we took you to stately homes"... a thread for adult children of abusive families

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This thread is a follow up to "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" because we reached the end of the thread life.

I originally posted on that thread to say that my mother had blamed me for something that was in fact her fault, called me a liar, got the rest of the family to gang up on me and then blamed me for splitting up the family.

It generated a huge amount of interest from a number of women who, like me, had grown up in an abusive, or "toxic" family environment where we had been the scapegoat or the dustbin for our parents to dump their own unresolved difficulties. My mother, like all our mothers, has refused to apologise for what she has done and many of us have cut ties with our families in order to recover our lost selves and self-esteem.

Hi, smithfield thanks for the synopsis. It's very interesting that you say that your mother 'turned' on the remaing sibling(s) once the other(s) had cut her out. And you have pointed out exactly what i was beginning to think myself which is that perhaps now that I have 'left' and my mother can no longer 'use' me to fulfill her own unmet childhood needs she is now unable to 'mother' my sisters as the only way she was able to do that previously was to use me as her 'parent' in a typical dysfunctional family role reversal situation.

(Gosh I'm using a lot of jargon aren't I?) Because something weird happened with one of my sisters and it's kind of been bugging me. Basically after I cut off my parents but before i actually wrote to them to tell them why I had cut them off (and really before i had come to any sort of significant realisation myself) I met up with both my sisters to try and talk about the situation with my parents. Well the meeting did not go well, (it would have been much worse I think if we hadn't met in a public place)we were all very angry and shouting at each other but my middle sister was the most vicious towards me at the time whilst my younger sister just seemed very hurt and upset and was crying.

After that meeting I wrote to them both, this time having come to some sort of realisation myself and said I didn't really want to hear from them until they had at least made an attempt to understand how I was feeling and why I had cut off my parents. (I realised after it was futile to ask them to understand me unless they too became 'aware' but by then it was too late as i had already sent the letter to them). Anyway I didn't hear from either of them for a few months and i was quite prepared to not hear from them for years perhaps. But then out of the blue i got a text and email from my middle sister, and she was quite pleasant and asked how i was etc. By that time i had read a lot and was seeing a counsellor and was open to communicating with her and since then we have met up and seem to be getting on ok.

However I still don't know why she got in touch with me. At first I thought it was because she had done some reading herself (in my letter to her i had put in a list of the books i had read) and perhaps did have some awareness, but after meeting her a few times some of the things she said made me realise she has not become aware at all. Then i had this feeling that she had got in touch with me because she needed me. That probably sounds strange but I feel that i am the only person in our family or otherwise that she feels she can talk to and turn to for help, support and advice. If she was able to get that from our mother she wouldn't have contacted me. So perhaps my mum is doing to her what she did to me ie emotionally abandoning her meaning my sister can't talk to her or look to her for help/support just like i was never able to do that because she was so detached from me.

But even if this is the case i know my sister is acting unconsciously and has no awareness whatsoever. Unfortunately for her I think she is very like my mother in that she is a bit of a coward and i doubt if she would ever have the courage to face up to her own childhood issues and pain.

My other sister (the youngest one) didn't get in touch with me and i in fact got in touch with her when i found out she was pregnant. We are in touch by text message only and we have been trying to arrange a time to talk on the phone but we are both too busy to find a mutually convenient time. But she is angry at some of the things i put in my letter to her again before i had any real awareness and i don't blame her for being angry as in my letter i blamed both my sisters for things which i now realise are down to my mum. I have a dilema though about talking to her in that if i try and tell her i blame our mum for so many things, i know she won't understand as she is not 'aware' about our toxic parents so it seems pointless to talk but at the same time i want to tell her i made a mistake in blaming her and my other sister for things which were in fact down to my mum. Things like me always feeling excluded and left out from things when we were children, i realise now that was down to my mum pushing me into the role of the parent whilst she became one of the children/siblings and so it was her behaviour that made me feel left out, my sisters were victims as much as i was as they lost out on a relationship with their real sibling - me.

Ally, yes I agree with toomanystuffedbears, if she had really come to any sort of realisation she wouldn't be writing to you trying to arrange to see your DD, she would be writing to you to say how sorry she is for how much pain and hurt she has caused you and trying to see your DD shouldn't even be on her mind. She IMHO is still completely toxic and I would urge you to avoid her.

Smithfield, you are so right in that my parents have 'taught' my sisters what my role is and i was definately the black sheep/scapegoat and general all round ungrateful bad guy. I did always feel left out and not like part of the family when i lived at home and i remember i always used to think to myself that it felt so weird to think that i was in fact part of this family as i felt so utterly seperate from them in every way possible from the way they acted, behaved, thought, everything. I feel now that perhaps i always had some degree of 'awareness' about my parents' toxicity and our family's dysfunctionality (is there such a word?!) whereas my sisters were always and still are completely 'enmeshed'.

Hi Smithfield
On siblings
My Oldest Sister is very happy for my pregnancy without condition or qualification.
Middle Sister, however, seems happy for me but underneath that facade, I sense...jealousy and her seeing it as an opportunity for me to need her thus her having power over me, AND becoming clear this holiday season, a chance for her to weigh less than me-so she is motivated to drop those pounds now! She said I needed to let her take a picture of me 'big' to show baby when I was pg with her, I said 'no, I don't', she said 'yes you do' Me: 'No, I Do Not'...when I assert myself with an 'I am not' or 'I do not' message, she backs down.
The pictures thing is one of her power tools. And it wasn't necessarily to show baby...The Narcissist tactic of pretending her action benefit someone else rather than herself-but I see through that now.
history-
The last time we did a beach trip 4 years ago, MS took pictures of the back side of dh and I showing our back-fat and she showed them around to everyone she knew. And showed them to me in front of her friend (ego demo for friend and dare me to blow up in front of friend) and went on and on about showing the pictures to everyone. I was livid . I never did that to her no matter how big she was. She laughed it off-I was being too sensitive. But I've seen her pictures of other people's backsides...so I don't know what it is with that...
It is another one of those behaviors that I can't quite explain but makes me uncomfortable.

Sorry about that tangent Smithfield.
Siblings will or can have a different perspective or interpretation on the very same event experienced at the same time. Like the time Dad had to sell his big hunting dog: OS thought she was being punished, MS thought it was because dog almost ate the Easter chick, I thought it was exactly as Dad said: dog needs to live on a farm with room to run.
My circumstances, being the youngest, differ so much from Middle Sister's because my Mom's mental health deteriorated and I got much, much less attention (good or bad) than MS or OS did.
The sibling rivalry can play into it too.
Lot's of factors make up that complex web and it will take some time to sort it out.

Better go, dh home

Ally - We didn't have locks on the bedroom doors (though when I got older I wished we did) but it was one of the big rules of the house that we were not allowed downstairs, especially not in the living room, unless we were specifically told that we could. When we were in our rooms the dp would listen outside the doors to hear what we were saying. He also used to suddenly burst into the room without knocking, whether we were dressed or not.

The relationship I have with my mother now is not a comfortable one. In many ways she is more like a distant aunt. Someone you speak to politely but only ever about shallow and unimportant things. We don't live far from each other but I've been to her house only twice in the past three years. I think she feels guilty about not standing up to her dp for all those years, especially as she has since seen for herself what he is really like. I wish she would apologise but I think she believes that if she pretends it didn't happen then it didn't really happen iyswim.

I personally would ignore the letter you received from your mother. I might be cynical but it smacks of emotional blackmail with the childhood stuff from Christmas, and I think if she were genuine she wouldn't be making any demands/requests just yet.

Oneplusone - I've tried writing everything down too. The approach I found best was to write things down as they came to me rather than aiming for anything more ordered. I found that it was often something very small and seemingly insignificant which brought a whole lot of emotions back to the surface and then I would feel almost compelled to write it all down.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my siblings at all. The one I'm probably closest to is also the only other one to have children of their own. The others I probably speak to once a year or so. I send birthday cards so know their addresses but I don't have their telephone numbers or e-mail addresses. It's only when I see how close my friends are to their siblings that I realise this is probably unusual.

When my mother stopped speaking to me there was a mixture of reactions. The eldest tried to boss me into a reconciliation and stopped speaking to me when I refused. The next sibling understood why I felt the way I did and didn't treat me any differently. The next (my mother's favourite) pretended that they weren't taking sides but would come out with things that could only have come from my mother. The youngest tried to be a peacemaker at first but as time went by they started to see the manipulation that was going on behind my back. There were a lot of "I see what you mean now" conversations.

Steadyneddy, hi thanks for your tips. I think i'm putting pressure on myself as i know i have some time now as DH and DC's are at MIL's for a couple of days so I think it's now or never to get this stuff out of my head and onto paper, but like you said it's often something small which triggers things off and i actually think that when my DC's are around my feelings get triggered by how I feel about them IYKWIM. Anyway, I'm not going to try and force it - i guess that's impossible anyway.

Interesting what you say about your siblings, I guess if i'm honest it's still some of the childhood feeling of being left out that is bothering me. ie my 2 sisters are still ok with each other and once again i'm the one on the outside. Although I am beginning to realise that although it appears that my 2 sisters are close there are lots of indications that in fact they are not and it's just purely superficial. I know the toxicity of our parents affects every relationship within the family and I'm sure theirs is no exception.

When i think it about it now it's always my middle sister who makes me feel left out and i think she does it on purpose, i'm beginning to think i should steer well clear of my sisters too until they have detoxed otherwise i'll be drawn into our old childhood patterns once again. Difficult now though as I have actually started to rebuild a relationship with them.

Ally, no I don't think the letter is anything new. My mother sent something similar that said something like "All I ask is that you send me a picture of your daughter once ever three months (sob sob)"
This her rule and her fantasy world. She could see DD as much as she liked if she started treating me properly, as a human being. And if she can't. THen no, I can't fall into her martyr world, where after all she's done for me, evil sakura only sends her a picture once every 3 months.

Her letter to you almost seems like a trick. In AMerica, they call it a "hoover". This means that they try to seem as normal as possible and use any means to suck you back in again

I could be wrong, but just be wary. COmpare what she has written to, for example, a letter from her acknowledging her role in your pain, and saying that she accepts her mistakes and hopes that at some point you can make a fresh start. But instead she has written it from the standpoint of
"I don't know why you're doing this, but because I'm such an understanding person, I'm going to accept your boundaries"

Smithfield, siblings is interesting to me. I would consider myself very close to my four younger brothers. This was because my mother worked a lot, and I was the surrogate- at home with them after school and being the eldest, I took the mother role; always there to pick them up when they cried or even protecting them from her abuse.
So, while my brothers seem to want to turn against me inkeeping with how toxic families behave, I believe something is stopping them, and that is the strong motherly bond I have with them. This has loosened somewhat over the years, especially now that I live abroad. I haven't spoken to some of them for over a year. Also, I distinctly member a time in our adolescence, when my mother actively involved herself in distancing my brothers from me. ONe in particular, who was having problems with friends and drugs. I remember not being allowed to be close to him, physically or emotionally. It was as though I completed the parent role when it suited her, carry out the day to day parenting. But when there was an opportunity to be a martyr, I was shoved aside to make way for her- the real mother. This caused me pain because I believed she was dealing with his problems in the wrong way- she actually enabled his drug-taking by giving him money. Her rationale was that she didn't want him stealing anything. But I knew (even at 16) that this was wrong. That she should be coming down on him and setting boundaries and rules and show her love to him like this. She enabled him for years, keeping herself in the martyr role. EVentually he sorted himself out- I think around the time when my parents divorced. Probably her focus had shifted and so he had some breathing space to move on and get over the drugs problem.

Of course I can't contact them much now. I can't visit home because of all the crap I have to deal with with my parents .

This is interesting because I'm also experiencing issues around my toxic mum and my siblings, what with xmas etc.

I suppose it's maybe a good idea that we all bear in mind that toxic parents wont foster healthy sibling relationships, and that divide and rule is a very common tool in these situations?

So it seems many of us are in the same situation im some form or other as regards our siblings.

If it wasnt for this thead I would probably be feeling (as I always have) that sense of 'It must be me!'. They're all ok so 'it must be' me. Its like a confirmation my mother was right.
Not accepted by her=not loveable.
No relationship with siblings=not loveable

Right now it just adds to my feelings of anger toward my parents. Not only did they deprive me of the basic love and nurturing by putting their own selfish needs first. They also deprived my of the loving bond I should have/could have had with my siblings, once again by putting their own needs first.And they are still doing it now like dsietzma said 'devide and rule'.

Sakura- Interesting your db had issues with dugs. My younger db did also,he was in a bad place for a while and eventually straightened himself out. At the time it was their way of dealing with the pain Im sure. My younger dbs drug of choice is now work!

oneplusone-sounds like your middle sister definately has a vested interest in keeping you on the outside. From what you've said maybe it would/ or has been her that has been sacrificed into that role in lieu of yourself.
I think you have to ask yourself honestly what are 'you' getting from the relationship. Is it really worth it. Sounds callous but i think we are all brainwashed (by society)into thinking we must maintain those sibling relationships at all costs. lets face it, it's bad enough to face the world and say 'actually I dont speak to my mother/father/parents' but to include our siblings. We think it all refelcts back on us. But I think its important to stop sacrificing our sense of self in order to retain such tenuous links. Easier said I know. I often feel so alone and left out. But I have always felt like that anyway!

Hi again. Just read what you said last time I was here Ally90.

I'm not sure I'd say the stuff with my Mother was under the carpet as such. I just think I spent so many years trying to find answers and caring about our relationship, wondering why she would put a man who was violent and paedophilic toward her only child before her own flesh and blood etc etc etc that I came to the conclusion she was only human, and humans come in different varieties, some are good some are bad.

If she wasn't my mother then I would have
nothing to do with her, if she was a stranger someone introduced me to and I knew these things about her I wouldn't give her the time of day, so what difference does her having nookie with my dad and making me have to do with it?

She just isn't a good person, and when I finally realised that I cut all contact. Now I prefer not to think too much about it, I spent a long time mentally ill with suicide attempts monthly from the age of 15-21, a few times I was so close to actually being dead because I was unfortunate enough to be born to a woman who shouldn't have been a mother.

I had enough of that, I had a choice to either become a product of her(and my step-dads) abuse, or become someone I was proud of in spite of them. I chose the latter. Because I made that choice I try not to afford her much space in my head.

I think I was lucky that I got to speak to my real dad when I was 21. He was a wonderful, caring man who I later found out had tried to get custody of me and had never really deserted me as my mum had said. Unfortunately he died a year later, but I think that he helped to give me closure and I think of myself as his daughter now, not hers.

Smithfield, I think you're right in that my middle sister definately wants to try and keep me on the outside. It's weird as I had a dream months ago about my family and in the dream there were two snakes (sly, manipulative, slimy) and at the time I thought the snakes represented my 2 sisters, but now I'm sure they were my mother and middle sister.

In a way, now that i'm 'onto her' I think I can handle being in contact with my middle sister, i'm certainly under no illusion that she got in touch with me for my sake, I'm sure she has her own interests at heart.

The other thing that bugs me a bit about this whole family stuff is what to do about wedddings and other family gatherings. I have a large extended family and lots of cousins and this year there were a number of weddings which i didn't go to as i didn't want to set eyes on my parents and i just made up an excuse as to why i couldn't make it. Next year there's another wedding which I don't want to do go to if my parents will be there which they will but i no longer want to make up excuses. I want to say that i'm not going because i don't want to see my parents as they abused me for 36 years until i cut them off. I have no idea how my cousins/aunts/uncles will take this, I don't know what if anything my parents have told them about not seeing me or their grandchildren, but I have no doubt my mum is revelling in her victim role and has cast me as the bad guy who won't let her see her grandchildren after she has been such a wonderful mother.

And I won't deny that I will get some satisfaction from shattering the image my parents like to present to the world and my extended family that they are the kindest, most loving and caring parents on this earth.

Anyone with any similar experiences?

oneplusone, I hadn't spoken to any of my family (aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents etc) for almost ten years.

When things first started going wrong at home I hid them, then when I reacted against them everyone thought I was a tearaway teen, the trouble maker, the rebel.

No-one understood why, and I felt like they would all be on my mums side if I tried to speak to them.

I found my cousin on facebook about a month or so ago, and I told her a great deal, just generally, no details, but she understands why I won't speak to my parents now.

She has since spoken to our Aunt who wants me to get in contact and I'm the same as you, in the fact that I don't want to because it may mean I have to in some way have contact with my mother.

It may be worthwhile finding someone in your family you can confide in, if you really do want to go to these weddings, or at least for people to understand why you stay away. I know now that if my family question it my cousin will be there to say 'she has her reasons' and that for me is important.

Victoriansqualor, I think you're right when you say you were lucky that you got to speak to your real dad and to know that he did love you.

I sometimes feel that I have been a bit too harsh on my dad as I think he abused me because he had a mental breakdown (although that is no excuse)but I do remember before he had his breakdown that he was actually quite a nice, kind, caring and loving dad. Whereas I don't have a single memory of my mum being caring or loving towards me.

I've always thought of my mum as being slightly stupid but now i actually think she has been very very clever in that whenever my dad was having a go at her she would never fight/argue back and so it always looked like he was the bad guy and she was the victim and at home we always sided with our mum against our dad as, i now realise, she always manipulated the situation to make it look like she was the innocent victim. When i look back now I think my dad at least tried to do the right thing by me and my sisters (despite being abusive as well whereas my mum was not overtly abusive but she always put herself and her feelings first, even before those of her children.

The more i realise about my mum the more I utterly hate and despise her, if I did ever lay eyes on her I honestly think i could kill her

I'm the same wrt my step-dad, he was ill, we knew he was ill, he was a manic depressive and I used to have to care for him. For eyars I believed it was ll him, all his fault, then somehow it became clear, it wasn't him, it was her. She allowed him to act the way he did, she chose to work nights and leave her 9year old daughter caring for an ill man, she lied to te social services when they were called about his violence towards me etc etc. She owed me, not him, but she was selfish and did what she wanted, but played the victim. Very clever woman. At least he was a mess, she was just protecting the life she wanted.

Hi Victoriansqualor, I think we crossed posts! I'm glad you found someone who could confide in and who understands why you have cut off your parents and i understand why it is important to that your cousin is able to speak up for you as it were.

I wish there was someone I could confide in but I just can't think of anyone who would understand. I know that all the family on my mum's side would totally think I was the mad one as they are so duped by her 'nice and loving' image and on my dad's side i'm not that close to any of them. I have told one cousin on my mum's side, but more about my dad's abuse, not my mum's role in it all, and i just don't think she would understand about my mum. I know everyone on my mum's side would totally see her as a victim of my 'nasty' dad who they all dislike anyway, they would never be able to see the way she let me down by allowing him to abuse me. They would just stick up for her and say 'well what could she do against your dad?'

I didn't thnk my cousin would understand, she wasn't someone was particularly close to, but I felt I had nothing to lose. She did say 'oh, I dont think your mum is with him anymore' and told me how great my Mother was with her child at some family party, so I had to go into mroe detail, and my answer for 'well, your stepdad...' was just 'Would you stay with a man that was abusing your children??'.
I think she is still a bit unsure, but she is a grown woman with children of her own, and would put them before her, so there was some understanding there.

VictorianSqualor, I would get exactly what you have described, how great my mum was with so and so's kids at so and so's house etc etc. The cousin in whom i have confided a bit does understand a little bit about my mum as she has 2 kids of her own and would do anything for them, but i suppose it's about this whole situation in general, nobody can truly understand unless they have been through it themselves. I admit I haven't actually told her in too much detail exactly what went on at home as when i first spoke to her about it all it was too painful for me to go into detail but i think i could tell her more now so perhaps i should try and do that?

But at the same time i feel guilty about burdening my cousin with my family baggage when i know she has issues of her own (not child abuse) and she still sees my mum who is her aunt and i don't want to put her in an awkward position.

Maybe yes, I found it easier to tell my cousin as it was online, I could take my time with it and she could take her time in replying, much easier than face-to-face.
I would still feel uncomfortable actually going to a family event but I do feel like there is a link there now that wasn't originally.
I really doubt my cousin would bring up much about me and my Mother to anyone, but if it was bouhgt up, then I know she'd say she wasn't getting involved but people didnt know the full story, for now, that is enough for me.
I'm not sure if I'll talk to my Aunt as she is my Mothers sister so it's closer than my cousin (she is my mothers brothers daughter, and my mother and that brother werent close.)

If i told my cousin it would probably be on the phone as we rarely actually meet up and like your cousin i don't think she would every actually bring up the subject but if it came up i think she would speak up on my behalf in a similar way to your cousin.

Bah - am still only up to page 5, DH caught me making notes and gave me a funny look. I am never going to catch up... try again later.

oneplusone-cant help much on the extended family side, because we were distanced fromm all of them as well. Both on mum and dad's side there were always issues. As a result I never really had a relationship with any aunts and uncles (and so none with cousins either).If I did it was always short lived as there would then be a reason mum and dad weren't talking to them.
In fact I was barely allowed to have a relationship with my dad's mum when she was alive. My mum would tell me what a dreadful woman she was; how overweight she was, and all other sorts of put downs. Funnily enough all I ever actually got from my nan, who mum trained me to call 'other nan' was love and affection. She was the only one I ever knew who gave out hugs and said 'love you'! Maybe mum was thteatened by her, but it never occurred to me at the time.

Glad its not just your dh Pages mine is getting a bit impatient with me being on here. He understands it helps, but he also would like to actually see me on an evening .

Thank you! To everyone who spoke of my mothers letter (think thats about page 53 Pages...) I was never going to contact her, but you have all helped me do this with a clear conscience! Before I was mulling it over, now I'm just 'ho hum...same old same old'...going to pop in loft with the box of snakes and keep a tight lid on it. Loved all the advice...made me laugh/think/say 'oh yeah...didn't think of that...' so all very constructive and helpful :} So glad your all here...our own little bit of sanity...!

As for the relatives thing...I agree with the idea if you are in contact with close relatives it opens up the void of 'trusting' them. And possible recontamination by mother... so I don't. I send only breezy birthday and christmas cards thanking them for emails/letters/presents (to my uncles, fathers brothers) and leave it at that. I don't even send a photo of dd...def not after what my mother did to my picture... I am in contact with 3 cousins...one on facebook too...never met him and he's on my mothers side of the family. But he's far removed...explained in general 'not in contact, but due to something long standing not just a big row' as my mother would probably have it...

Right better go...or dh will come and find me sat on floor (as in 'I'm not really typing on computer, only quickly, not worth sitting on chair for, be there in a minute, oops have I really been on for 4 hours?!')

allyxxx

P.s. thanks for the hot towels and advice attila! xxx

I'm pasting a poem from one of my books, it had me in tears as soon as i started reading, I'm sure many of you can relate to it. x

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creatoran honest-to-God creator
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.