Husband's leaving - after 28 years

[BarleyTwister]

Hello
I don't really know why I am posting this, I just feel really alone right now. My husband used to be a lovely man, I thought we were soul mates. Been married for a quarter of a century. But for the last six or so years he's become increasingly distant, working away all week and busy at the weekend leaving no time for me and our family (grown up children still at home). He announced that he now has no feelings for me, and in fact has no feelings at all. He seems to be on automatic pilot and seems determined to work himself into an early grave. He is over 60 now but works constantly. It's all he does. He says he cannot change, he's felt like this for ages. So apparently he is doing me a favour and we should sell the family home and go our separate ways. I am floored. I knew things were not right but at our age, to start again on our own? I can't even think about it but he is now refusing to message or call me, he spends all his spare time (what little there is) shredding paper and obviously clearing the decks presumably to get the house ready to sell. I can't believe we have ended up like this and facing old age now, alone with no family and no family home. The thought of finding a new place to live is terrifying and I won't be able to afford anything nice. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder and its got worse since he hit 60. Is it possible to go all these years without realising I'm married to someone with this personality? I've got used to no love and affection. I'm just used to putting his needs and those of our children first. I kept thinking things would improve. Has anyone faced something similar? Is it possible for narcissists to ever improve? Have the last decades been a lie? I feel so sad for our children. And I feel really lost, confused, terrified of the future. I feel I am alone. I can't understand why he's doing it - why leave it so long if he wanted to go. I'm too old now to find happiness somewhere else. Or do you think that is the plan? Use someone their whole life then throw them away at the end? What should I have done though - I can't see where I went wrong?

Really hard. Thanks for asking. We are in same house living areas but him working elsewhere so often is now a blessing. But when he is here its very difficult. Adult child has special needs and is upset seeing it. Trying to get it ready for sale. Unravelling so many years of stuff is so hard. How do you divide up things? Every action is so painful. Trying to be strong but finding it too much.

Yes that often can be a bone of contention , deciding who gets what .

Sorry this may sound mad but are you in the south east?

I know someone going through the exact same thing. It has been heart breaking to watch.

You most definitely can find a life without him, many women are single in their 60's enjoying friendships, holidays, having fun.
Leaving you high and dry selling the home is an awful shock, he is a prick.

Barley take your time sorting your house. When this happened to me in the summer, every single thing I looked at in the house made me think about loss of what I'd built over 28 years. Now 4 months on this has eased. I see things I'll be glad to be rid off, thinking about having new instead of old and worn out. I have been packing what is mine in boxes, a relative is storing these boxes for me. So my precious possessions are not some much safe, as STBX hasn't started taken any action about moving yet, but I have taken the time to choose what is really important to me.
I have thought about getting coloured stickers for him and the DC who will return for Christmas, to put on things that they want. STBX hasn't even spoken to the DCs yet so that may be interesting!
I also try to get out as much as possible, work, a newly revived social life, cinema on my own, anything rather than being at home, with him in silence, not responding to me but chatting away on Zoom.
Take care of yourself and give yourself breaks from sorting. You deserve good times as well.

its so awful to hear this is more common than I ever imagined. 1ranksenior I hope you are ok. I'm still in shock I think. im in welshborder marches so not in South East sorryofficer there's someone else also in the same horrible situation unfortunately. How and why would anyone do this at our age? Can't understand the ability to cause devastation and just not care.

My husband left after 30+ years. I'm in my late fifties. I found the book Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark really helpful it showed me that my now ex husband wasn't unique and special but he was doing what a lot of men do in their fifties and sixties. There is usually another woman but not always

From someone who has been there you need to stop trying to find a reason for this. It doesn't matter if he has NPD, ADHD, alexithymia, mid life crisis or is just a selfish man child. He has made his mind up to leave and you need to catch up or you are going to lose out in the divorce settlement. There has been plenty of good advice here already but in brief get a lawyer, copy as much of the financial information as you can and remember that he is no longer your friend. Expect him to lie and deceive and wriggle out of stuff. He is going to blame you for everything and his family is going to support him. It sucks but you will get through this. Get a lawyer and do not agree to anything he proposes until you get legal advice. In a long marriage 50/50 is the starting place. You could well get more.

Good luck.