Husband's leaving - after 28 years

[BarleyTwister]

Hello
I don't really know why I am posting this, I just feel really alone right now. My husband used to be a lovely man, I thought we were soul mates. Been married for a quarter of a century. But for the last six or so years he's become increasingly distant, working away all week and busy at the weekend leaving no time for me and our family (grown up children still at home). He announced that he now has no feelings for me, and in fact has no feelings at all. He seems to be on automatic pilot and seems determined to work himself into an early grave. He is over 60 now but works constantly. It's all he does. He says he cannot change, he's felt like this for ages. So apparently he is doing me a favour and we should sell the family home and go our separate ways. I am floored. I knew things were not right but at our age, to start again on our own? I can't even think about it but he is now refusing to message or call me, he spends all his spare time (what little there is) shredding paper and obviously clearing the decks presumably to get the house ready to sell. I can't believe we have ended up like this and facing old age now, alone with no family and no family home. The thought of finding a new place to live is terrifying and I won't be able to afford anything nice. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder and its got worse since he hit 60. Is it possible to go all these years without realising I'm married to someone with this personality? I've got used to no love and affection. I'm just used to putting his needs and those of our children first. I kept thinking things would improve. Has anyone faced something similar? Is it possible for narcissists to ever improve? Have the last decades been a lie? I feel so sad for our children. And I feel really lost, confused, terrified of the future. I feel I am alone. I can't understand why he's doing it - why leave it so long if he wanted to go. I'm too old now to find happiness somewhere else. Or do you think that is the plan? Use someone their whole life then throw them away at the end? What should I have done though - I can't see where I went wrong?

OP, I feel for you. as much as you are hurting you MUST do some practical things urgently.

1.Firstly be concerned he is shredding paper - he may be getting rid of proof of what he is earning which will be relevant to the financial settlement you will have in the divorce. Be practical NOW- get every document you can and keep them somewhere hidden which relate to your financial assets as a couple and his pension. so mortgage statements, pay slips for him, joint account statements, investments etc. Contact the relevant organisations and tell them you are splitting ( they can put a freeze on the accounts so one person cant withdraw all the money without the other's consent). My ex did this to me.

1. Make an appointment straight away with a solicitor in your area. Look for one who will give you the first half hour or so for free. Don't tell him that is what you are doing. Take all your details about income/joint financial assets etc. They will advise you about what you will be entitled to financially etc. Do NOT agree to selling the house or anything else until you have proper legal advice. He cannot advertise the house for sale without your consent as you both have to sign contracts with the estate agents. He cant force you to do that. You may find that you get to keep your home in exchange maybe for not agreeing to claim on his pension which you would be entitled to - but you need to speak to a solicitor about this. DO NOT LET HIM DICTATE TO YOU WHAT HAPPENS.

1. I'm not saying this is the case, but be prepared for another woman to be in the background. He will not tell you about her of course but it may come to light further down the line that he is having an affair. If it is look at the chumplady website.

1. Yes it is possible he has narcissistic personality. I was with a person like that for over 18 years. It turned out recently he had undiagnosed ADHD. But years of no affection, chaotic lifestyle, addiction to work and spending no time with family and 2 affairs later I chose to end it and it is the best thing I ever did. I am free and it is a great feeling.

1. Do you have family and friends you can talk to? you have your adult children in the house. As upsetting as it is, he doesn't sound a great catch to be honest anyway. What has he actually contributed to your life - you have your wonderful children. but other than that you sound as though you have been miserable and starved of attention in this relationship. Let him go, you have still have a lot of living to do! He doesn't deserve you! you deserve so much better! It may not be the life you thought you would have in the future, but it will be a different life and one you can design how you wish. It may help you to speak to a counsellor to make sense of your feelings.

1. It sounds as though he had made his decision and it is final. It's time to let go of the person you thought he was. He's not that person and has shown the real him. For now concentrate on the practical things like seeing a solicitor and look after yourself as best you can. Don't forget to drink and eat a little. It is devastating and you will come through it. You are never too old to find happiness! I know of lots of people in their 60's who found a new partner and had a great life after divorce. Don't give up on yourself.

Being distant for years, working non stop and not being around at the weekends and your not suspicious he is having an affair? Its the classic behaviour of a cheat. How do you know he has been working non stop...sounds like he has been leading a double life. He has checked out and getting ready to shaft you in a divorce.

Its time to get tough...see a solicitor asap, ensure you have bank details, check any shared accounts, pension details etc etc.

Cherchez la femme

First things first, you are not too old to find happiness again. That's not just an empty statement - that is fact. The only time you're 'too old' is when you're dead.

Secondly, this is going to take you a long time to process and you are going to experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Having been through something similar you are always welcome to message me privately. The journey you are on will be quite something you've never experienced before but I assure you 100% you will be happy again.

Yeah, I’d be worried about all that shredding. Time to get all your documents together, and well away from him.

Yes, the shredding leapt out at me too. Protect yourself OP!

My grandmother met the love of her life (her second husband) when she was 60. It's never too late OP!

Start getting your documents together before he destroys them. I'd be very concerned about what he's hiding, what with all that shredding of paper.

Honestly, the way you describe him, I'd jump at the chance to live without him! Think of it - your own place, not having to worry about anyone but yourself. He sounds horrible - why are you determined to stay with him?

You have just been delivered a bombshell. So try and be kind to yourself.

You do have family, your grow children. They won't always live with you, as it should be, but they will always be your children.

Just take it one step at a time. A smaller home, cheaper, easier to run, perhaps located somewhere more "you" isn't such a bad option. You are in shock understandably.

Take a few days then start to look at the practicalities of the situation. Money, house, divorce process.

You might find without the miserable, unavailable husband to consider you have a whole new lease of life to enjoy.

gonnaboek's advice is excellent. Follow that.
Solicitor ASAP. Like this week!!
It's definitely over so now you need to take decisive action and not just wait passively for him to divorce you.

You may have to brace yourself for their being another woman around somewhere. Men don't normally leave a long-standing marriage like that without somewhere to go. He's been unhappy for a few years and working extra hours. It's possible an opportunity has arisen now and that's why he's finally doing something about it.

However, it doesn't sound like you were happy in the marriage either. Of course it's going to be scary to suddenly be alone and having to make a new start later in life. I don't know if you said how old you are but if you are 60 too you could potentially live another 25 - 30 years. Why should they be unhappy living in a miserable marriage?
You can have a great life on your own - you have grown up children so you still have a family.
You will find somewhere nice to live - even if it's smaller. I have a one-bed flat and love it - requires so little cleaning and maintenance etc and bills are cheaper.
You might meet someone else who is better suited to you and with whom you have wonderful experiences. And even if you don't, you can fill your life with wonderful things free from him.

It's a horrible situation but it will get better. It's important to take it a step at a time. Get to the solicitor first and get copies of important documents before he shoves them through the shredder....

Whatever you do, never associate happiness with being with a man. I’ve found that they often bring lots of unhappiness!

Happiness can be found in lots of other ways and if the worst does come to the worst for you, as it sounds like it will, then you can find a new you and life can become happy again, with or without a man.

It doesn’t sound like your marriage was much fun anyway with him working all the time and your comment “I’ve got used to no love or affection” reaffirms that.

Often marriage is just a habit that is hard to break and so you feel devastated when someone makes that break from you as he is doing. Whether there is a woman in the background or not is largely irrelevant. If he doesn’t want to be with you anymore then it doesn’t make any difference.

All you can do is look after yourself. Keep eating, drinking and sleeping and do not beg him! He won’t respect you for it and you will make yourself feel worse.

Take your time, you've had a huge shock so don't make any decisions or agree to anything yet, even if he pushing you. He's had months, maybe years to come to terms with this, you've only had days.

As other op have said, find a good solicitor and speak to them, arm yourself with information you need.

Lean on people, tell friends and family, let them help

If he genuinely doesn't feel anything, as he says, and thinks he's doing you a favour, he may be depressed. I hesitate to let him off the hook, and things may not be as they seem, but that's what screamed to me from his behaviour and his reasoning.

gonnaboek has given some great advice, I would just add that you should go round and get your hands on any and every bit of paperwork you can find whenever he's out, take photos of it and store them on a cloud somewhere/send them to a trusted person. Anything from banks, work about income, anything from pensions, anything about the house.

Everything you've said makes me think long-term affair and he's been planning to leave for a while. It may not be that of course, but prepared yourself as if it is that, so that you don't loose out massively financially speaking.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, My DH has just finished a 22 year marriage by telling me he no longer loves me. He is having an EA with a 25 yr old but he tells me that has nothing to do with his feelings for me or if he wants to try and work on the marriage!
Get some legal advice and be prepared for him to tell you lots of lies.
Be strong, you can do this x

Thank you so much everyone for sending your advice. I will think carefully about it all and am really very grateful. It's amazing how this makes me feel less alone already. ChiChi16 I'm really sad to read your post, why do men do such awful, cruel things? Thanks everyone xx

@BarleyTwister

Hello I don't really know why I am posting this, I just feel really alone right now. My husband used to be a lovely man, I thought we were soul mates. Been married for a quarter of a century. But for the last six or so years he's become increasingly distant, working away all week and busy at the weekend leaving no time for me and our family (grown up children still at home). He announced that he now has no feelings for me, and in fact has no feelings at all. He seems to be on automatic pilot and seems determined to work himself into an early grave. He is over 60 now but works constantly. It's all he does. He says he cannot change, he's felt like this for ages. So apparently he is doing me a favour and we should sell the family home and go our separate ways. I am floored. I knew things were not right but at our age, to start again on our own? I can't even think about it but he is now refusing to message or call me, he spends all his spare time (what little there is) shredding paper and obviously clearing the decks presumably to get the house ready to sell. I can't believe we have ended up like this and facing old age now, alone with no family and no family home. The thought of finding a new place to live is terrifying and I won't be able to afford anything nice. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder and its got worse since he hit 60. Is it possible to go all these years without realising I'm married to someone with this personality? I've got used to no love and affection. I'm just used to putting his needs and those of our children first. I kept thinking things would improve. Has anyone faced something similar? Is it possible for narcissists to ever improve? Have the last decades been a lie? I feel so sad for our children. And I feel really lost, confused, terrified of the future. I feel I am alone. I can't understand why he's doing it - why leave it so long if he wanted to go. I'm too old now to find happiness somewhere else. Or do you think that is the plan? Use someone their whole life then throw them away at the end? What should I have done though - I can't see where I went wrong?

Really sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs. I'm very sad for you. I don't get people. 😞

Living on your own is great honestly in 5 years you'll laugh if he tries to come back. It might feel like the sky is falling in but it's actually the sun smashing through the cage.

@BarleyTwister you have had some very good advice on this thread. The only thing that I have to add is to advise you not to do what my MIL did. She buried her head in the sand. Pretended to her friends that FIL was buying another property for work purposes. Kept up appearances socially. And it ate away at her. Refused to even consider a divorce.

She would have been far better off with a clean break. Yes, it would have been very painful but the years of being in limbo were awful. Trying to repair a marriage on her own that was beyond repair. She then became very ill and sadly passed away. I do believe that the long term stress of the situation made her illness worse.

Your dc are old enough to deal with this. It sounds like the marriage has gone. He hasn't put you first for years so now is the time to be selfish and attend to your own needs.

I agree with every single thing @gonnabeok said. I would add that its time for you to be firm. You've openly admitted you have always put his needs first. He will be expecting you to carry on in a similar vein. DO NOT DO THAT. Currently, he is making all the decisions and I very much doubt they will be in your best interests. He is of course entitled to decide he wants to end the marriage, but HOW that happens is also up to you. Now is the time for YOU to be selfish, gather as much info as you can, channel your inner warrior (she is in there somewhere) and don't let him call all the shots. Good luck OP, I know its a shock, but there are MANY threads on here of women who've been through similar and come out the other side, armour plated and smiling! xx

Could this be a sign of a medical problem with DH? "He announced that he now has no feelings for me, and in fact has no feelings at all". I don't know much about such things but could something like Parkinsons Disease manifest like this?

You need a good lawyer and as much evidence as possible.

You are in shock and playing catch up. He has been planning this for some time.

Maybe this was always his plan or maybe he has met someone. Either way this is about you protecting your interests.

I would ask him to leave now. If he doesn't then I would be cold with him and start sorting things out. See what homes are available and what stuff you dont want to take.

I know you are heartbroken. This is very cruel.

I'm so sorry OP. But you will have your days in the sun again without this entitled cockwomble. You don't need him to have nice things. Stop doing his laundry, stop making him dinner stop doing anything for him and preferably get him to move out, your new life starts now. Let him get on with it and get a dose of reality or some other poor sap wash his dirty keks.

Men never grow up, 9 times out of 10 it is another women that has turned their head! I have a friend who has been seeing a man who claims to be 58 (looks 68 to me!), she is in her 40s but looks a lot younger than her age..she was all set to move in with him and oh my how the lies have unfurled...turns out he is still married to his (alleged ex) making her the OW....seriously they follow their dicks through into old age. Don't let him hide all the accounts and get legal advice quick on where you stand. These are the years you were supposed to get to spend together but instead he has decided rather than talk about it he is doing a flit. If you brought up the kids almost single handedly whilst he got to carry on his career I'm sorry but you deserve everything you can get out of him. The man you knew is gone, this one is a stranger. Find that inner anger! I'm angry for you. Xxx

Your relationship has been rocky for the best part of a decade and you've done nothing to help it and just watch from the sidelines????

How is this a shock to you, did you expect to just be distant but carry on until you went to the grave ?

Relationships need constant communication and work.

Personality disorders aren't that common and tbh from what you've written you're saying this from a place of hurt.

Get yourself a good lawyer and do your best. That's all you can do.