Husband's leaving - after 28 years

[BarleyTwister]

Hello
I don't really know why I am posting this, I just feel really alone right now. My husband used to be a lovely man, I thought we were soul mates. Been married for a quarter of a century. But for the last six or so years he's become increasingly distant, working away all week and busy at the weekend leaving no time for me and our family (grown up children still at home). He announced that he now has no feelings for me, and in fact has no feelings at all. He seems to be on automatic pilot and seems determined to work himself into an early grave. He is over 60 now but works constantly. It's all he does. He says he cannot change, he's felt like this for ages. So apparently he is doing me a favour and we should sell the family home and go our separate ways. I am floored. I knew things were not right but at our age, to start again on our own? I can't even think about it but he is now refusing to message or call me, he spends all his spare time (what little there is) shredding paper and obviously clearing the decks presumably to get the house ready to sell. I can't believe we have ended up like this and facing old age now, alone with no family and no family home. The thought of finding a new place to live is terrifying and I won't be able to afford anything nice. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder and its got worse since he hit 60. Is it possible to go all these years without realising I'm married to someone with this personality? I've got used to no love and affection. I'm just used to putting his needs and those of our children first. I kept thinking things would improve. Has anyone faced something similar? Is it possible for narcissists to ever improve? Have the last decades been a lie? I feel so sad for our children. And I feel really lost, confused, terrified of the future. I feel I am alone. I can't understand why he's doing it - why leave it so long if he wanted to go. I'm too old now to find happiness somewhere else. Or do you think that is the plan? Use someone their whole life then throw them away at the end? What should I have done though - I can't see where I went wrong?

Nothing much to add OP that others haven't already said but some extremely good advice on here, just wanting to wish you all the very best 💐

I’m sorry to hear this. My story seems terribly similar to yours. Again, I’m sorry but there is likely to be another woman.

I don’t know what possesses these men. But they decide that they don’t know what they want when retirement looms, it seems. And they also decide that wives who have been loyal and hard working and self-sacrificing for the greater good of the whole family unit, which sacrifices have allowed them to please themselves and work and play as they choose, are the problem. So without a discussion, an honest exchange of views, a wish to explore options, off they fuck. And you are left to mourn the life you were always going to have together when he finally retired and noticed you again.

All I can say (and thanks for allowing the rant) is, it will be hard for you. But if you can learn to live your life without him, to accept and move on, it won’t be the end of the world. Indeed you may, like me, be bloody grateful he left and wonder why you hadn’t left before because goodness knows you were unhappy too.

Get a good lawyer. Get a good therapist. It doesn’t seem like it now but you will be ok.

Thanks everyone. ive been listening to the podcasts of Dr Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker 'Narcissists and Divorce, the Lure, the Loss and the Law'. Really excellent but also very upsetting. Jinkiesfredlll I have not watched from the sidelines and done nothing to help. Being lied to, gaslit and manipulated your entire married life has an impact and I thought I was supporting someone who loved me and ft the same way. I believed the empty promises and lies. Stupid yes. Completely. Narcissists dont have the same feelings as 'normal' people as im only just discovering unfortunately.

Take care of your own interests now. Don’t try to unpick the gaslighting and the manipulation. There’s no point. You’re no mug, you just trusted someone and thought they would adhere to what you agreed. Their issues, not yours.
Now you know differently, act differently. It will pay great dividends for you. Take care of yourself now. X

Going from my experience, it's a woman, or women, starting about 6 years ago, and the latest woman looks like she might stay with him so he's ready to take the leap. It's not you.

Have the last decades been a lie?
Very possibly not, and he's just rewriting history. Cheats always do. Even if it was all lies on his part, you don't have to accept his version of events, however hard he tries to force it on you. Don't delete your memories just because this git says so.

Indeed you may, like me, be bloody grateful he left and wonder why you hadn’t left before because goodness knows you were unhappy too
I can confirm this!

As a matter of urgency please do get on with all the practical steps outlined by others on this thread. Time to lick your emotional wounds later OP.

@BarleyTwister

So sorry for you, but be assured you are far from alone. My ex left me after 27 years 3 years ago, it was scary thinking about the future. 3 years on ive net someone else and I'm very happy, the reality is the marriage was bad for the last few years as you describe ... ex is alone and insisting he doesn't even want to see his family at Christmas

Diagnosed Personality disorders aren't that common

Instances of npd are thought to be much higher as stats tend to be based on the prison population. Those who don't commit crimes aren't in the statistics.

Op, if you suspect NPD then worth planning your approaches with that in mind. I didn't have a clue was was blindsided and yes, OW appeared down the line. They usually go when they have finally lined someone up but are good at hiding.

You will be OK but it won't be easy for a while. There is no way to sugar coat it as going through a divorce if not amicable takes it toll but you'll survive and thrive.

Thankyou. I suspect diagnosed NPD is not common due to the very nature of it. Why would someone seek the help of someone who in their mind knows less than they do? I have reflected and unfortunately the typical traits are evident. i regret being unaware or not willing to see it before. its my anniversary this week. I think my present to myself should be the decision to cut these toxic ties.

Cut the ties. Make him move out not just hang around. Get rid now. It’s over. You can do this. We’re all here to support you. Be proactive. Have dignity. He doesn’t get your support or get to share your bed. The only thing you have now is pride. He’s wanted out for years but was too cowardly. Go see a solicitor. File the papers. Get your self strong

You can get your life back now. New hobbies. Nee friends. You still have a lot of life to live

I wouldn't be thinking of a diagnosis of something. I'd be wondering if there was another woman hiding away somewhere.

I've asked him to be honest and just tell me if there is someone else. Just be honest. He's denied it but I cant trust him to tell me the truth as I fear he's incapable of honesty or remorse. But does it really matter anyway? The trust has gone. He's been so hurtful by withdrawing any affection and not caring a jot at my response-i think he took pleasure in me being so upset. I've been so grateful for a shred of affection I'm even cross with myself now thinking about all the times I myself have excused his crappy behaviour telling myself he's got some justification for it. do you know what I am sick of it and I'm not going to put up with it any more. I might be hitting 60 and facing old age alone but better alone than with a deceptive selfish bastard. (I keep oscillating between this and feeling pathetic and scared tho).

I say 'withdrawing any affection' but on reflection there hasn't been any real affection for a long time. when starved of something even a morsel seems like a gift.

You need to see a solicitor. If he's been checked out a while, he'll be in quite far down the splitting up road. Find your anger. Grieve later. He's a twat and you are entitled to everything you can get.

I hope you have a lot of RL support.

The fact you are acknowledging his behaviour and how badly he has treated you is a really good first step. Keep hold of the anger coming with it.

Then protect yourself. You know he has been lying one way or the other, starting with the lies about the empty nest and things changing coming to retirement.
He has had tome to gethis head around the divorce idea. He is preparing HIMSELF, doing some clearing out etc...
Don't let him do all that work as a bystander. Because HE will shaft you if you dont take some control. Look for a sollicitor, grab all the documents you need, incl proof of income etc....
Talk to people in RL so you can bet some support.

@BarleyTwister

Have you read the "script"?

If not you definitely should.

And I'd put money on another woman loitering around;a man his age doesn't voluntarily decide he now wants to be solely responsible for all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/wife work.He's got someone else lined up to do that for him.

I would be very suspicious that there is another woman waiting in the wings.

You can PM me anytime OP. The thing you need right now is support

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. But please don't despair - my mother is in her late 70s, her partner passed away a few years ago, and she has recently begun a lovely romantic relationship with another man from their friend-group whose wife also passed away a few years ago. They're like teenagers. Good luck OP.

barleytwist
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You are not alone. Something similar happened to me this summer.
What I have done is as follows:
Contact 4 different solicitors to get their free 30 minutes advice - all similar but each added a bit more info.
Sorted out finances mine and his. Took photos of his documents. Worked out my spending.
Learnt loads about pensions - this may be so important to you. The government Money Helper service offers free independent advise about pensions and divorce.
I'm free, I'm kick-starting my social life.
I'm being open and honest with friends and family - STBX hasn't even told his children!

I tried to understand my STBX's mind - he has classic 'Aspergers' traits - but I realise it's a pointless distraction. He is how he is, a shit who decided he wants to leave after 40 years to hell with him.

I recognised I am passing through waves of grief: for my future, my past, my marriage, my family life, my house - how I will miss my home, for-seeing my old age. It's a tough time.

What you do now and next is for you. You are the only one that matters. PM me if you want to.

Oh and I have a "Rottweiler" solicitor lined up for when he starts Divorce proceedings

I hope you're ok OP

Can I just say that you're 60, not 85 and that I don't think you have to face old age by yourself. When you're ready, try to find new love. It's never to late and you might actually find what you never had from the husband who wasn't really there especially the last 6+ years 💜

How has it been going ?