Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He goes in a mood when I don’t want sex

67 replies

Bookworm11 · 22/11/2021 09:30

Just that really. It’s really pissing me off and I need to let it off my chest. I rarely turn him down but there are times when I tell him I’m not really in the mood. Like last night, it was midnight, I had to be up at 6am and I had a migraine. I told him this and he accused me of lying about it (I wasn’t, I get them quite a lot) he then turned over and wouldn’t speak to me. I wouldn’t mind, (sorry tmi) but we had it the day before and the day before that, so it’s not like won’t don’t have it. Sometimes it puts me off him. He can’t give me a kiss or a hug without him trying to turn it into sex. It’s as if he only shows me affection when he wants it. There’s times when I’ve told him no and he’s still tried to do it. But then he makes me feel guilty and weird for not wanting it all the time. It’s driving me mad

OP posts:
Itsalmostanaccessory · 22/11/2021 09:33

Is he your husband or your boyfriend?

This isnt a good man. If he isnt your husband then end it now. If he is your husband then start planning how to get out.

He's treating you badly when you say no so that you stop saying no. That isnt consent. He gives you the choice of either saying yes to sex or being treated with silent treatment and moods. That's coercive control. There abuse. If you ever have sex with him just to avoid his behaviour then it is rape.

This isnt a good man. It is better to be alone that with someone who will force you to have sex.

Original poster
Bookworm11 · 22/11/2021 09:36

@Itsalmostanaccessory Boyfriend, we’ve been together 9 years

OP posts:
Maxiedog123 · 22/11/2021 09:39

Do you have children together?

Original poster
Bookworm11 · 22/11/2021 09:40

@Maxiedog123 Yes 2

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 09:46

Tell him that you can't be in a relationship where that happens, because it massively turns you off.

Let him decide with his actions, after that, whether the relationship continues.

He's grossly disrespecting you. If he doesn't even think you've got the right to disagree with him about what's going on in your own body, what does he think you've got the right to?

Skeumorph · 22/11/2021 10:01

Oh bollocks - to the 9 years and kids!

If you don't want to split, it's time to sit him down and tell him in very clear sentences that unless he stops acting like a rapey entitled aggressive piece of shit, he. will. end. up. alone.

Suggest counselling if he doesn't understand exactly why his behaviour is abhorrent.

Sleep apart for the next month, and tell him sex is off the table for the foreseeable. No one likes to even think of a rapey shit near them - it#s the biggest turn off in the world.

No affection, either. Because until he can learn that affection should be just that - not some dog on heat reaction which makes him look weird and absurd as well as aggressive - then clearly, like a dog that needs training, you can't engage with him.

No tolerance. None at all.

Be clear that he is risking his relationship.

tarasmalatarocks · 22/11/2021 10:24

He is an out and out sex pest and you will grow to loathe someone with this level of expectation

Itsalmostanaccessory · 22/11/2021 10:25

I would disagree with some of that.

No counselling. No sit down chat threatening serious consequences.

Zero tolerance means you leave. He wants you to have sex even though you've said no and when you don't, he treats you badly. That's rapey as hell.

Dont stay with someone who is one more push away from being your rapist. Men like this are not good. And he doesnt deserve any chances. Have some self respect.

SexyNeckbeard · 22/11/2021 10:27

If you have sex to avoid the sulking he is coercing you and technically that's rape.

WildStallyn · 22/11/2021 10:33

'There’s times when I’ve told him no and he’s still tried to do it'
That's attempted rape.

This is beyond a counselling situation. He sexually assaults you. You need to leave.

Skeumorph · 22/11/2021 10:41

@Itsalmostanaccessory

I would disagree with some of that.

No counselling. No sit down chat threatening serious consequences.

Zero tolerance means you leave. He wants you to have sex even though you've said no and when you don't, he treats you badly. That's rapey as hell.

Dont stay with someone who is one more push away from being your rapist. Men like this are not good. And he doesnt deserve any chances. Have some self respect.

Fair points. And absolutely right.

But OP has children with him. I am assuming she would not simply up and leave.

Consequences such as now refusing to share a room with him, have sex with him or allow him physical contact because of his unacceptable attitude are good in the short term as, even if they don’t change a thing, they protect her in the short term and bring the dynamic to a sharp stop. Until she can decide what permanent steps to take.

TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 10:53

I really can't imagine that a person who behaves in this way is otherwise loving and respectful. What's the rest of the relationship like, OP? Are you listened to, understood, supported?

Not that it matters; no decent partner would disrespect your boundaries in this way. But I'm just wondering if there's more to it.

girlmom21 · 22/11/2021 11:01

OP tell him what he's doing is illegal, disgusting and disrespectful.

Make it very clear how it makes you feel, what needs to change and what will happen if it doesn't change.

barbrahunter · 22/11/2021 11:14

My ex was like this. No matter how often I tried to agree to sex, it was never enough. It was one of the reasons I left him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/11/2021 11:14

He knows full well what he is doing and he does not care for nor respects the OP at all. He is treating her like the piece of meat he thinks she is.

Would you want your DC as adults to be treated as you are in this relationship?. No you would not and this is not good enough for you either.

I would consider contacting Womens Aid further re your options should you decide to leave. Nine years and two children also are not reasons to stay with such a man.

Cowpad · 22/11/2021 11:16

Throw him in the spare bedroom with a blow up doll.what a vile man!

Cowpad · 22/11/2021 11:18

...and of course leave him!

rampitup · 22/11/2021 11:30

He sounds like a self-centred, entitled arsehole. Why are you with him?

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2021 11:32

He’s sexually abusive
Don’t stay with him

scarpa · 22/11/2021 11:40

OP, this isn't alright. He tries to sexually assault you and uses emotional blackmail to try and get you to have sex with him, then accuses you of lying to 'get out' of sex.

Your wording is sad, too - "turn him down". Do you see sex as something he does and you just accept, or has he made you feel that way? Do you ever get to decide when you have sex, on your terms?

He is not a good man. From this page: www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

Under signs of emotional abuse:

Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.

Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises. (I'd argue accusing you of lying about headaches falls under this, plus the physical abuse trivialises your feelings as well as being physical abuse in itself)

Under sexual abuse:

Unwanted kissing or touching.

"Threatening, pressuring or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.

Please leave. You deserve better, I promise.

me4real · 22/11/2021 11:43

That's sexual coercion, and the trying to do it when you've said no is attempted rape. He's not safe to be around. Please separate from him ASAP.

Original poster
Bookworm11 · 22/11/2021 12:29

Thanks everyone. To answer a couple of questions, other than this issue, the relationship is ok. He’s a dad good and we rarely argue. I know it doesn’t seem that way but if he stopped acting like this then there’d be no other issue.

I do want sex myself and I do enjoy it but there are times when I just can’t be arsed and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. But the more he acts like this, it’s starting to feel more like a chore. I just wish he’d let it be natural and then maybe I’d want it even more. But whilst he’s acting like this it’s just a total put off. When I tell him I’m tired or I don’t feel too well he will say “you only have to lie there” which makes me feel a bit disgustingConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookworm11 · 22/11/2021 12:31

Good dad that was meant to sayGrin

OP posts:
Kuachui · 22/11/2021 12:35

You only have to lie there.... Yeah to be raped 🙄🙄🤔

That would be a major put off for me, No one is entitled to sex

Ohpulltheotherone · 22/11/2021 12:37

So when you say you don’t feel well he calls you a liar?
Nice.

You don’t have to give a reason not to have sex with someone, true or made up.

Personally I couldn’t abide this, it’s ridiculous, he’s a fully grown man, he’s not ruled by his dick.
You have regular sex, if he fancies it and asks you and you don’t want it then that should be the end of it - not sulking or attempting to coerce you.

By the way, trying to have sex with a woman when she has said no is attempted rape.

He’s a sexist pig, he thinks women are there for his pleasure. Vile.

If you insist on staying then I’d be sitting him down at a neutral time and saying “I really don’t like it that you do XYZ” and explaining to him that saying no means no and you don’t expect to be called a liar or manipulated into giving in.

Coercive control is also illegal btw.

If he refuses to acknowledge that he’s very much in the wrong then you have two options - stay and put up with being sexually pestered constantly or leave.