He goes in a mood when I don’t want sex

[Bookworm11]

Just that really. It’s really pissing me off and I need to let it off my chest. I rarely turn him down but there are times when I tell him I’m not really in the mood. Like last night, it was midnight, I had to be up at 6am and I had a migraine. I told him this and he accused me of lying about it (I wasn’t, I get them quite a lot) he then turned over and wouldn’t speak to me. I wouldn’t mind, (sorry tmi) but we had it the day before and the day before that, so it’s not like won’t don’t have it. Sometimes it puts me off him. He can’t give me a kiss or a hug without him trying to turn it into sex. It’s as if he only shows me affection when he wants it. There’s times when I’ve told him no and he’s still tried to do it. But then he makes me feel guilty and weird for not wanting it all the time. It’s driving me mad

He's treating you like a flesh light

Please act to change this or get out. It’s horrible

That'd turn me off so much. I'd bail. I put up with a lot when I was younger but I'd put up with nothing now. I'm not a free prostitute.

I would be and have been put off by a sex pest. If I think I have to have sex or he'll be grumpy, it puts me right off.

Do the tea experiment on him. Ask him if he would like a cup of tea. Keep asking him and when he turns it down then ask him, why. Doesnt he like it. He drank it yesterday. Is he lying about not wanting tea. Put the cup to his lips. Say you like drinking more tea than him. He must be weird. Other people drink 12 cups of tea a day. Keep pestering him about tea.

When I tell him I’m tired or I don’t feel too well he will say “you only have to lie there” which makes me feel a bit disgusting

Jesus Christ, that makes me go cold. What he's telling you there is to him, sex is about him only. He sees sex as a thing where he puts his dick in you, and therefore why would you say no because you just 'lie there', which isn't hard? He thinks you lying there, not wanting to be penetrated but him doing it anyway, is classed as 'sex' - when it's not, it's rape. Or - at very, very best - coerced consent.

He doesn't think 'sex is something we do together and enjoy together', because if you said you didn't want sex, he wouldn't be able to have sex - he would be raping you. But he doesn't see it like that. He thinks sex = him getting to penetrate you, and whether or not you are consenting or enjoying it is irrelevant.

My Dh was like this. Till I unconsciously withdrew all contact with him and went right off him sexually.
Now we don’t have sex at and I couldn’t care less.

Maybe he’ll leave me one day, but it won’t be my fault.
We are now friends that share a bed and quite frankly my life is better without all the hassle. But I would like some genuine affection occasionally.

This seems to be a common story.

Buy him a sex doll if all he wants is something to just lie there whilst he wanks into it

His attitude is so misogynistic and sexist
I hope you don’t have daughters

you only have to lie there

Good god. I feel sick.

You're not a fucking wank sock. He doesn't even see you as human, youre just a hole for his disgusting dick.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is also not a good dad to his children if he treats you like this. They can and do pick up on the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

I would also think you do not argue mainly because you are afraid of his reactions if you were to disagree with his views. What happens to you if you use the word no?.

Agree with shoxfordian. Buy him a blow up sex doll. Christmas is coming up; what an excellent Christmas present!

I've no advice but can relate to your situation as am also married to a moody sex pest I hope things improve for us both Soon op. Is he good in other ways or does he sulk about other things he's not happy with aswell?

Your boyfriend is an insecure entitled man-child and needs a serious wake up call.

You sound pretty resilient and not totally checked out despite this. I think you need to tell him he needs to check his behaviour.

@Shutupyoutart Sorry you’re experiencing this too. It’s draining isn’t it. He’s ok majority of the time, it’s just where this is concerned. Sex pest sounds the right term!

@bookworm11 it is indeed draining and kills any desire for sex when he behaves like it. I'm ashamed to say that I go along with it sometimes to avoid moods silly question but have you too told him how him nagging and sulking makes you feel? I like the tea analogy that someone up thread suggested

@Shutupyoutart I do too sometimes😳 But then I think why didn’t I be stronger and put my foot down. I haven’t told him yet, I normally just sweep it under the carpet and let him sulk but for some reason last night it really annoyed me. I will speak to him about it although I think I’ll be wasting my breath. And the tea thing was a good idea wasn’t it!

Sulking…that well known turn-on 🙄 honestly, this is dreadful. I really feel for you. Hopefully, he will listen if you explain your perspective, but if nothing changes, I’d be inclined to leave. This behaviour is totally gross and unacceptable

@bookworm11 it's possible that if he is decent generally if you talk to him about it that he will take it on board, however I suspect it may fall on deaf ears like it does with my husband. He takes it if im not in the mood as a rejection of him I've tried to explain the more hassled I feel the less I want sex. There are a lots of strong women (and men) on this site who have made me look at things in a different way some of the advice I've received has been hard to read I'd imagine you prob feel similar reading the replies on yours.. men's entitlement to sex really pisses me off and I feel so sad and angry that so many of us are going through this.

Sexual coercion is a crime fyi.
You don't owe anyone sex.

Tbh I'd consider this indicative of the whole relationship, whereby he cares more about his desires than your basic human rights.

I'm betting he sulks when you are ill too. Or claims to be more ill. I bet he leaves lots of the housework and parenting to you as well. Maybe never compliments you (unless he wants something). Makes little digs. Never wants to do the things you want to do. Gaslights you. Some, or all of that shit.

But the sulking alone is bad enough to go. Even moreso because uni have kids and they shouldn't grow up seeing people treating their partners this way.

I think you need a very clear conversation with him that you have the right to say no, that saying no means no and that he has no right to either try (because that is attempted rape) or question why because it is your body and that he needs to stop and realise what you lying there means

Because he is being sexually abusive at the moemnt

I used to just lie there, it really effing hurt but then I didn't look like I was enjoying it so he'd sulk over that too. It broke me in the end and I left. I'm now with someone who is amazing. We laugh during sex often. Who knew sex should be fun?!

The problem is, is that to your bf, if he has to sulk and moan for hours and you give in, all he will see is that it works. If you hold your ground, he will up the coercion. He will never see your point of view because he doesn't want to. You can't argue with entitled. Men like him don't want to see the damage it causes to have unwanted sex, how it pushes you farther apart, induces shame and eventually causes resentment.

I can't imagine that someone who is happy to have sex with you knowing you don't want it, someone who thinks sex is for his pleasure only, who thinks that sulking is an appropriate resposne to someone not wanting sex, someone who thinks you should sex with him when you aren't in the mood - because his wants are more important - I can't believe that person is in every other respect a respecful, loving, caring, supportive partner.

His behaviour is disugusting, coercive, sulky, entitled, selfish, utterly disrespectful and shows he thinks of you as a vessel that he does sex to.

So sorry you are in this position. I know it's really hard, but please know that he is completely unreasonable, this is not normal behaviour, and you should never have sex you don't want. (And any man who would have sex with you knowing you don't want it, is not a good person).

Nothing in your post about YOUR needs - it’s all him - does he think you don’t have any.
Maybe start my saying - I need you to listen.
I don’t need you pressuring me for sex
I don’t need to sulking when you don’t get any.
I need you to leave me alone!!
I’m a not a hole you shove your penis into. I enjoy sex too and have the same entitlement as you to have it or NOT.
It is a turn off I’m sure.
I’m wondering if you’ve gone along with his high sex drive throughout the marriage as you know he’s a sulky sod when he doesn’t get what HE wants.

Get out now before you start being coerced and raped , as shocking as it may sound that I the crux of it .

My ex DH was like this. Eventually I saw the light and we split up, despite having three young children.

This behaviour is abusive and is absolutely destructive in a relationship, I’ve spent years recovering. I would honestly say I will never get over it.

You need to get out love, you really do.