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Original poster

Meeting friend's feel like spare part

82 replies

Confused2134 · 21/11/2021 23:40

Hi all.

Could do with help understanding my feelings.

So I met the other halfs friends last night for the first time. We have been dating 2 months and it's been going extremely well. I've met her work friends too and that went extremely well. But last night meeting all 8 of her closest friends and I felt invisible. For a start non of them introduced themselves to me. Only a few even said hello. And nearly all of them left without saying goodbye. I had alot of awkward moments where I clearly looked lost and no one came to talk to me. One time 4 of us were standing together. My girlfriend, her 2 friends and me. Her friend offered her boyfriend and my girlfriend something but not me. I'm standing with them and I don't get offered anything.

3 of her friends hadn't said a word to me all night.

I don't know how to feel about the situation. It's very much I have to be on board with her friends otherwise the relationship won't work. I left feeling so deflated im questioning is it worth continuing dating her.

I was under the impression that the friends should have gone out of there way to make me feel welcome. They're all extremely close and I'm the only new one. I hadn't a single decent conversation with anyone. I left for half an hour to compose myself but no one had noticed. It was a small house party confined to 1 small room.

Am I being stupid for feeling this way?
Am I even making sense?
Has anyone else experienced this? If so what did you do?

I told her her friends aren't very welcoming at the end of the night. I needed to get it of my chest. I have never felt so low in my entire life. It didn't go well, we didn't argue but it felt like she didn't want me there so I left. We're still talking but now it feels different.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 22/11/2021 12:01

@Evesgarden

I think you sound a bit dramatic tbh.

I was under the impression that the friends should have gone out of there way to make me feel welcome

What gave you that impression? Why should people be going out of their way for you? was the night set up for an 'audience with Confused2134'

I have never felt so low in my entire life

Really, wow a few people were not fauning over you and you had the worst night of your life. I remember when my relatives house burnt down to the ground and I was stood with her whilst she was crying her eyes out watching all her children belongings go up in smoke. That was a tough night.

So you have started the alienation of her friends already?

We're still talking but now it feels different

Well yeah she has probably seen you in a new light - and good for her.

I think you've really twisted things. Obviously if 8 people meet up and one is the new person then people would be expected to make them welcome. Basic good manners.

The OP didn't say they expected people to be fawning over them, standing with two people and them being offered refreshments and you being ignored is again just rude.

The OP has probably seen the GF in a new light as well.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 22/11/2021 12:12

OP, if your GF has had a string of bad boyfriends, maybe they were a bit cautious with you? Maybe they have made efforts in the past and realised that the BFs were idiots? And they worried about your GFs judgement?

Yes, your GF could have handled it better, yes the friends rude. But if they were worried you were an idiot, observed you and thought you seemed nice, maybe next time will be better?

I would not make a drama out of it (drama queens/kings are annoying), make an effort for two more times and if they still were rude I would reconsider the relationship.

Furzebush · 22/11/2021 12:16

@ponkydonkey

Or maybe she's had such awful boyfriends before and probably the drama that ensued they don't want to get to know you? 2 months is not long to get to know someone.... so I'm sure there is probably a lot of history between her friends and ex boyfriends?

I have a friend like this... and we're all so sick of it if she introduces us to someone we are all a bit here we go again....

This is how it seems to me -- they're used to her shit boyfriends, and are automatically skeptical about the introduction of a new one, because past experience has meant that they'll shortly be experiencing his awfulness or hearing about it, so no one has any particular interest in getting to know the latest instalment in X's crap men.

Also, OP, you seem rather as if you expect meeting you to be a huge event in the close friends' lives, as you expect to be similar in her parents'--

Her parents are dying to meet me properly and Im assuming this is because they want to meet the person who's putting smiles back on their daughters face

That is more than a bit self-congratulatory. You sound as if you expected drum rolls when you arrived at the party. I'm not denying it sounds like a depressing social occasion, and that your GF didn't go to a lot of trouble with her introductions, nor were the friends particularly welcoming, but you sound like you expected to met with a degree of interest that I think is unreasonable and a bit egocentric, and the nearly crying and passive-aggressive 'Hey, I'm here too!' hugging, and the venting make you sound incredibly melodramatic. You're the new guy -- it's up to you to make the running.

To be blunt, you barely know this woman. You've been seeing one another two months. Her friends have been in her life for years. The friends probably want to see if it lasts a bit longer before getting invested in you. But if you didn't like them, and threw a strop after the party, I'd be doing a lot more thinking about the relationship, not the friends. Is your girlfriend as invested as you think? If you're already criticising her friends' behaviour and she's annoyed, does this relationship really have legs?

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 22/11/2021 12:16

I realised I have gone against the consensus here but I have a friend who had a string of boyfriends who were horrid to her. I stopped making an effort with new boyfriends.

Then she met her current husband. I was probably very stand-off the first time I met him but after a couple of times I realised that he was a genuinely nice man who was treating her really well. I really like him now. And I am so happy he is in her life. We get on brilliantly.

Furzebush · 22/11/2021 12:18

@HooverIsAlwaysBroken

I realised I have gone against the consensus here but I have a friend who had a string of boyfriends who were horrid to her. I stopped making an effort with new boyfriends.

No, I also think that's a perfectly possible explanation. I think most of us have had a friend or family member at some point who may not even have had horrible boyfriends, but who just changed them a lot, so you start off getting very invested in one, but you never see him again, because she's moved on -- after a while, you do just think 'Nah, not bothering until I see if this one lasts and/or isn't an asshole.'

Gonnagetgoing · 22/11/2021 12:26

@Hoppinggreen - agreed. And I’ve also got no idea what the OP is like. He might be the nicest person in the world, he might not be and that would mean I wouldn’t want a hug etc.

I find it slightly offensive that some here are painting me and a couple of others as prudes based on the above which is far from the case.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 22/11/2021 12:26

I think we crossposted furzebush. It does sound like previous experiences may have put the friends off.

I agree with your point about the expectations as well. Actually the awful exes of my friend all seemed to think that they were the gift of god to any woman. Special in some way and it was always about them and never about my friend.

I think I realised how lovely her (now) husband was in the way he was talking about her and something she had achieved. He sounded like he genuinely loved her.

Furzebush · 22/11/2021 12:34

@ChargingBuck

As it is, you look sulky - you cleared off for half an hour and left early.

Nope.

As it is, OP looks bewildered by the discourtesy of his hosts & let down by his (?) g/f. I commend the early leaving. Why repay rudeness with any further attention?

Well, yes, but I suppose it matters who's more invested here, doesn't it? The friends have seen her boyfriends come and go, and perhaps understandably they're not falling over themselves to be terribly welcoming to the latest one, especially as their friend doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to introduce them and keep the ball rolling -- which they might legitimately interpret as her already losing interest, so there's no point in making friends, he may not be around for long.

The OP has most to lose here -- he seems more into the girlfriend than she is into him, and, to be blunt, he's the one who's 'on trial' here, not his new girlfriend's close friends. He says in his OP that

it's very much I have to be on board with her friends otherwise the relationship won't work

He may of course choose not to accept that, and to end the relationship, but the girlfriend has made her position clear. He sinks or swims with her friends.

Original poster

Confused2134 · 22/11/2021 13:54

Ok so new information I feel like I could have done with when I told her her friends were not welcoming. I have just found out apparently it's normal for her friends to just disappear without saying goodbye. I thought I was the only one they didn't say goodbye to. And the friend who didn't offer me anything suffers with anxiety from meeting new people.

I feel like this is information my gf could have told me when I told her about her friends and my reasons why. This changes the dynamic in my eyes as those are the 2 of the biggest things that bothered me. The're still some issues with other friends but now I have found out my GFS communication skills suck

OP posts:

JollyJoon · 22/11/2021 14:02

Sounds like excuses to me

DCINightingale · 22/11/2021 14:41

Just read your posts OP. That sounds crap, and your GF definitely dropped the ball. She should have properly introduced you and then made the effort to ensure you were included and not feeling awkward. That would have been my priority in that situation. Her friends sound a bit crap too IMO but it's your GF your in a relationship with and she is presumably comfortable enough with both you and her friends to be able to manage that situation.

I don't think you did anything wrong

Dillydollydingdong · 22/11/2021 14:45

One of my friends just "works the room" if she finds herself with a crowd of people, whether she knows them or not.

Original poster

Confused2134 · 22/11/2021 14:54

Working the room is usually what I do. I usually don't struggle at all to fit in. Just found this occasion to be incredibly difficult

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 22/11/2021 15:23

Well it looks like you did nothing wrong at all and it was all them. Good job your GF was able to explain and put you totally in the clear.

Liz1tummypain · 22/11/2021 17:55

Yes the natural thing would have been for her to introduce you to her friends and to try to steer conversation towards subjects that you may be able to talk about or have some kind of input towards. And yeah, it sounds like a right grumpy bunch of miserable women there. You need to ask her if you managed to get them all on a bad day or if they really are that rude all the time. I assume your girlfriend has some redeeming points somewhere. Good luck :)

GertietheGherkin · 22/11/2021 23:56

@Confused2134

They all sound like a strange lot to be honest.

The whole relationship sounds like hard work... Her with a string of lousy ex's ( she's obviously either very unlucky, or they're all the type she goes for... That doesn't say much for you! I'd be more worried about being a lousy ex in future, and if she treats her boyfriends like she's treated you, it's probably her that's not nice.)

They say you can judge a lot about a person from the company they keep. Her friends lack of manners and social skills speak volumes.
Who spends time in someones company, and then just goes without at the very least a goodbye? I'd find that incredibly rude.

Two months isn't long, I'd dampen your expectations at little OP... It doesn't look like you've landed a do social, well-mannered girlfriend here. From the sounds of it your social circle and the behaviour in it look like you may be at odds. If you're very welcoming, warm and aware, she's not going to be used to that. Her insecurities may show through, particularly the hugging of women and such.
Your social skills seem to be poles apart. I think that may cause issues. They already have very early in.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 23/11/2021 05:53

This relationship sounds very difficult, considering how new it is. At the 2 month mark you should be in the honeymoon phase having a great time falling for each other.

mdinbc · 23/11/2021 06:11

I think her friends were very rude, and they should have made a bit of an effort with you. Your girlfriend is at fault too, since she should have made you feel welcome. Were you the only male at the event? it seems like they were all caught up in girl-talk and just didn't account for you being there. Very odd.

Honestly, everyone hugs as a greeting these days. I can't remember when I shook someone's hand at a party, and certainly if I was meeting a friend of a partner, a hug would not be out of place.

Give them another chance, but in smaller settings. maybe let your GF know that you felt like a door-mat, but perhaps you could try again with them individually. She should go out of her way to make you feel more welcome next time.

SomepeopleareTERFSgetoverit · 23/11/2021 06:23

@ponkydonkey

I have a friend like this... and we're all so sick of it if she introduces us to someone we are all a bit here we go again....

This was also my thought. OP said “ She has a really Shit past with boyfriends, I'm the first man in her life that has made her feel special. ”

So her friends may well be thinking “oh fuck, not again.”

MammaLovesLeopard · 23/11/2021 07:24

It's traditional is it not to shake a man's hand and gently hug and kiss but not kisd the cheek of woman. I didn't go into this blindly. I have heard allot about her friends, I know this kind of gesture was not incorrect for the situation

I think you are over thinking things OP.

I wouldn't hug or kiss anyone I don't know in these covid times.

I'm still wondering how old you are here....? 🤔

Gonnagetgoing · 23/11/2021 09:32

@MammaLovesLeopard - he’s 32 yet into a 2 year “relationship” he’s reading too much into things.

If I were the GF I’d run for the hills.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/11/2021 09:32

2 month not 2 year relationship!

Honeyroar · 23/11/2021 09:40

They all sound rude to me. Particularly your girlfriend. And if she was cold when you said you’d felt a bit hurt and unaccepted that’s even worse of her. You need to step back and take the rose coloured glasses off.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 09:53

If the sexes were reversed here, & a female OP described a b/f of 2 months announcing that all his previous g/f's were shit .... we'd all be crying "run for the hills!"

It's the Crazy Ex Girlfriend trope.

Either this actual g/f has been unlucky, or she has some behavioural/psych issues still to work on ... or her previous b/f's were 'normal' guys who she is now demonising.

Don't over-invest, Confused. You've known this woman for a few weeks, her social circle is rude, & you may be being set up to play White Knight / Rescuer to a whole heap of troubles.
I dislike how she turned cold on you when you told her how uncomfortable you'd been at the party. Firstly - how could she not notice, & need this pointed out? Secondly, if your b/f tells you he had a bad time, it's immature at best to dismiss his feelings & punish him with withdrawal - & at worst, uncaring or even game-playing.

Maybe give the friends another chance, in a smaller group or individually. But have a care about this narrative that e.g. her parents can't wait to meet the only man who's put a smile on their daughter's face etc ... it's intense, melodramatic, & I wonder what it's setting you up for.

pastypirate · 23/11/2021 10:18

The friends all sound a bit too cool for their own good.

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