Meeting friend's feel like spare part

[Confused2134]

Hi all.

Could do with help understanding my feelings.

So I met the other halfs friends last night for the first time. We have been dating 2 months and it's been going extremely well. I've met her work friends too and that went extremely well. But last night meeting all 8 of her closest friends and I felt invisible. For a start non of them introduced themselves to me. Only a few even said hello. And nearly all of them left without saying goodbye. I had alot of awkward moments where I clearly looked lost and no one came to talk to me. One time 4 of us were standing together. My girlfriend, her 2 friends and me. Her friend offered her boyfriend and my girlfriend something but not me. I'm standing with them and I don't get offered anything.

3 of her friends hadn't said a word to me all night.

I don't know how to feel about the situation. It's very much I have to be on board with her friends otherwise the relationship won't work. I left feeling so deflated im questioning is it worth continuing dating her.

I was under the impression that the friends should have gone out of there way to make me feel welcome. They're all extremely close and I'm the only new one. I hadn't a single decent conversation with anyone. I left for half an hour to compose myself but no one had noticed. It was a small house party confined to 1 small room.

Am I being stupid for feeling this way?
Am I even making sense?
Has anyone else experienced this? If so what did you do?

I told her her friends aren't very welcoming at the end of the night. I needed to get it of my chest. I have never felt so low in my entire life. It didn't go well, we didn't argue but it felt like she didn't want me there so I left. We're still talking but now it feels different.

@Hoppinggreen

You nudged a complete stranger and have her a hug? Rightly or wrongly they probably have you pegged as a bit creepy now. You don’t touch someone unless they invite it, especially if you are meeting for the first time. Plus you shook the mans hand but hugged the woman? Don’t do that

Yeah I thought that bit was odd too

Your girlfriend and her friends were incredibly rude. Even inviting so many and just you. How did she expect the conversation was going to go. I go out with a friend,plus half a dozen of her colleagues,I know them all. But all they talk about is work. I do ask questions,try to interact,but it's really hard,and no one ever asks me what I do. Even politely asked my friend if it was possible we could talk about something else,was told that's what they have in common. Before I gave up work,my colleagues and I had a pact not to discuss work

Nudged Is the wrong choice of words. Basically they started talking about food before even acknowledging I existed, even though I was right there in front of them. It was a friendly gesture and didn't go down badly.

Also why is a hug a bad thing. It wasn't a bear hug. It's traditional is it not to shake a man's hand and gently hug and kiss but not kisd the cheek of woman. I didn't go into this blindly. I have heard allot about her friends, I know this kind of gesture was not incorrect for the situation

Maybe hug Is the wrong word too but I'm sure you all can imagine the traditional way of greeting a woman. It's polite not creepy. I guess modern people might find it creepy because of all the political correctness going around and not being able to tell what gender people identify as these days. But I don't think it's rude to do a polite traditional greet to someone I know is a woman and wouldn't mind it

@MammaLovesLeopard

Expectations sound quite full on for a 2 months relationship. How old are you op?

@MammaLovesLeopard - exactly what I was thinking.

To be honest it all sounds a bit too intense too soon. Maybe your girlfriend and her friends think the same too.

Also, I know it’s great that you are nice, outgoing and get on with people but sometimes in getting to know new people someone who’s very outgoing or thinks they’re funny actually isn’t at all.

Well if you think that hugging a woman uninvited is fine in ANY situation then you clearly don’t understand how to properly interact, which might be why you felt they were “cold” to you.
When you shake someone’s hand you hold out your hand and they do the same, a hug is very different and basing how you greet someone on their sex isn’t right either.

@Confused2134

Maybe hug Is the wrong word too but I'm sure you all can imagine the traditional way of greeting a woman. It's polite not creepy. I guess modern people might find it creepy because of all the political correctness going around and not being able to tell what gender people identify as these days. But I don't think it's rude to do a polite traditional greet to someone I know is a woman and wouldn't mind it

@Confused2134 - you’re making huge assumptions here for what the first time or first few times meeting a woman (the friends) that you don’t know well that they won’t mind a hug from you without being asked if this was ok.

To be honest if you’re assuming lots here then no wonder a few people you don’t know well are getting pissed off with your behaviour.

@Hoppinggreen

Well if you think that hugging a woman uninvited is fine in ANY situation then you clearly don’t understand how to properly interact, which might be why you felt they were “cold” to you. When you shake someone’s hand you hold out your hand and they do the same, a hug is very different and basing how you greet someone on their sex isn’t right either.

@Hoppinggreen - you’ve hit the nail exactly on the head!

I think I have figured out where it all went wrong. I never knew the importance of a formal introduction. My girlfriend never did this once and think maybe her friends had anxiety about meeting me too. Which I hadn't given a thought because they're amongst 8 of their friends but I only know her. I know what I'm like when welcoming others so maybe I wrongly assumed that's what everyone else should have been like. Perhaps I made it all about they should be making me feel comfortable amongst them but not the other way round.

I cannot however explain why anyone would leave without saying goodbye

Or maybe she's had such awful boyfriends before and probably the drama that ensued they don't want to get to know you?
2 months is not long to get to know someone.... so I'm sure there is probably a lot of history between her friends and ex boyfriends?

I have a friend like this... and we're all so sick of it if she introduces us to someone we are all a bit here we go again....

@Confused2134

I think I have figured out where it all went wrong. I never knew the importance of a formal introduction. My girlfriend never did this once and think maybe her friends had anxiety about meeting me too. Which I hadn't given a thought because they're amongst 8 of their friends but I only know her. I know what I'm like when welcoming others so maybe I wrongly assumed that's what everyone else should have been like. Perhaps I made it all about they should be making me feel comfortable amongst them but not the other way round.

I cannot however explain why anyone would leave without saying goodbye

Or maybe it was the hug and nudge? Or maybe even your total inability to realise how wrong it is to touch people you just met without invitation?

Firstly no one got pissed off with my behaviour. It wasn't like that. Her friends told her they liked me so inserting words like pissed off with my behaviour which never happened is probably going confuse other readers and they will give biased opinions that aren't helpful.

The handshake thing now makes perfect sense to me. I never thought about it like that. But you're also assuming I pounced on her. I held my arms out for a hug. She didn't have to give one back. So in that sense is it not similar to a hand shake?

Basing a getting of gender too is beginning to make sense. It's just traditional and how I have always greeted and never had a problem.

This is why forums are helpful. It's opening my eyes to things I hadnt given a thought to

OP that was really, really rude of them. And your girlfriend let you down, she should have spotted that you were being left out and made efforts to include you in conversations and introduce you to people. Clearly she was not well brought up.

This kind of behaviour is often ‘animal dominance behaviour’, the friends (and girlfriend!) were showing you how very low you are in their group pecking order, as the new member to the group. That’s why you feel so low, it’s a natural reaction to the group labelling you unimportant and rubbing your face in it.

I have experienced it a few times, usually at DH work events where female guests are expected to stand there admiring the men, hanging on every word of their boring anecdotes, and being totally ignored. People still offered me drinks etc though!! And senior management always made sure to speak to guests and try to include them.

Also experienced it at a couple of playgroups when DD was young, if J went to one where a ‘closed group’ had formed and they didn’t want new members.

Basically some groups are welcoming, some are not. You can’t join an unwelcoming group, there’s literally nothing you can do, the welcome has to come from them.

Sounds like your girlfriend is very socially awkward in not spotting this and fixing it, but I would be upset with her. Surprised you apologised! She should be apologising to you.

OP, don’t worry about the hug. Some mumsnetters get bent out of shape when you mention stuff like that, like how dare you touch a woman without asking her permission beforehand. Not real life. In my friendship group, we’re all kiss on cheek / brief hug types when we’re introduced to new wives, husbands, partners, etc. It’s an expression of warmth and welcoming.

And who asks for permission before kissing someone on the cheek when you are introduced 😂

Your girlfriend has shit social skills and her friends are socially inept and bloody ignorant too. You sound lovely. You did nothing wrong.

It's amazing how this forum can make you feel like you've messed up but then did nothing wrong within 10 minutes 🤣.

I agree personally I don't see anything wrong with it. It's polite nothing more. I felt sitting there being unacknowledged was worse then a polite greeting. Even if it was gender based

U did nothing wrong from everything u have said. Your gf stood have introduced to someone and helped break the ice

Have u spoken to her recently and how has it Neenah

*been

*should have

Excuse all my typos

I think they were putting you in your place as the latest in a long line of your gf’s terrible boyfriends - but of course they don’t know you, so they were wrong to do so, and they weee unkind to both you and your gf to be like that. Your gf may have been cold afterwards because she felt shit about how her friends were.

Who knows. It didn’t go well but it’s not the end of the world…

Maybe suggest that you are introduced to the friends separately, properly, in a quiet pub or coffee shop. Leave the weird group dynamics out and see how you get on.

You sound nice and quite brave OP. Don’t give up!

I think unless you are French or Italian, a hug/kiss on the cheek etc is a bit much for a lot of people and especially post covid. Not everyone would be ok with that, at all. It sounds as though they were not very polite to you but also your expectations are a bit off also.

I think a house party with a lot of people and all ‘the girls’ probably wasn’t the best place to meet for the first time. Perhaps try a more intimate setting with less people? Id give them a second chance!

@DarlingFell

OP, don’t worry about the hug. Some mumsnetters get bent out of shape when you mention stuff like that, like how dare you touch a woman without asking her permission beforehand. Not real life. In my friendship group, we’re all kiss on cheek / brief hug types when we’re introduced to new wives, husbands, partners, etc. It’s an expression of warmth and welcoming.

And who asks for permission before kissing someone on the cheek when you are introduced 😂

Your girlfriend has shit social skills and her friends are socially inept and bloody ignorant too. You sound lovely. You did nothing wrong.

A lot of people have very good reasons not to want to be touched by a stranger. Some people are happy with it, great. Others aren’t and until you know how people do feel about it then it’s best to err on the side of caution. I would absolutely hate to be kissed or hugged by someone on a first meeting even if their intention was just to be welcoming

Yeah there's nothing wrong with a nudge but in MN its akin to assault.

Her friends are incredibly rude and I don't think much of her by this description. Honestly this would turn me off.

As it is, you look sulky - you cleared off for half an hour and left early.

Nope.

As it is, OP looks bewildered by the discourtesy of his hosts & let down by his (?) g/f. I commend the early leaving. Why repay rudeness with any further attention?

Deffo a gf problem