Confused and upset about bf's "jokes" and mean comments

[Otessa]

I've been ill with a really bad cold for the last few days so my boyfriend has been sleeping on the sofa to give me space. He came in in the morning to ask how I was doing and I told him I feel terrible, he said "yeah you look rough. You always look rough though" I said "wtf!" at the comment incredulously and he laughed and said "I didn't mean it like that". I'm left thinking what other meaning is there to take from that comment but brushed off cos I was ill af and thought he was probably trying to do some kind of jokey banter, our banter can be quite close to the bone sometimes but I never say anything negative about his appearance, joking or not.

Thing is, it's not the first time he has said something like this. I have slightly thin hair in places from stress/medication and once he was lying behind me hugging me and randomly said "baldy". When I confronted him and told him how much it upset me he said he wasn't talking about me but some footballer he'd just been reading about
I also heard him singing a presumably made up song , right after we'd had sex, something like "my girlfriend has a big bum but not as big as her stomach"
There have been quite a few other instances like this too.

I'm very slim size 8 for what it's worth, though my stomach isn't totally flat. I'm not a model but generally considered attractive. I have a lot of insecurities about my appearance like a lot of women so I don't appreciate this kind of stuff coming from someone who's meant to care about me, not that I expect to be worshipped and complimented all the time either

These comments are always done in a jokey way and when I pull him up on them he either denies it or says he's joking and then is absolutely all over me with affection and trying to do things for me (cook etc)

Ive only been in one other long term relationship and that was outright abusive. I'm struggling to understand if I'm over reacting because of my past but beginning to feel really unhappy and resentful

I think it's a strong possibility you're in another abusive relationship I'm afraid.

I think the key thing is how he reacts when you tell him you’re hurt by his comments and don’t find them ‘jokey’. If he brushes your feelings aside and/or repeats the behaviour, that doesn’t sound very healthy for the relationship particularly given what you’ve been through.

Sounds like he's deliberately bringing you down under the guise of "jokes".

The thing about "banter" is both of you should be laughing, otherwise it's just being nasty.

Listen to your own feelings. If you're not happy, that's your answer.

Sounds like a dickhead. A slim size 8 or not, why the need to insult someone you care about when they are down?

You deserve better. A lot better. Comments intended to undermine your confidence. Coupled with the gaslighting 'joke' or 'I was talking about a footballer'.

Nope, this isn't a kind man.

Yes, he’s getting his digs in as ‘jokes’.

He’s also making it your problem because the implication is that obviously you just can’t take the jokes. Not nice, your instincts are correct.

Yes, the gaslighting is a huge red flag.

Yeah you're in an abusive relationship. He deliberetly targets your insecurities to keep your self esteem low. I bet he's a right fucking munter too.

In honesty I don't know how you manage to live with this ball bag without smothering him in his sleep. Bin him off.

That's negging and you're boyfriend is a wanker OP.

He’s a nasty, spiteful git. Play him at his own game and then finish with him.

You deserve better than this your other option is to confront him and tell him his comments are duly noted and he better change his tune. If he doesn’t then you know he’s saying these things to hurt you.

Would you say these things to a friend? Because there’s your answer.

He sounds horrible, I am very overweight and my DH has never, ever commented on my size, he constantly tells me I look nice and how much he loves me.

He’s a prick and I get a feeling he’s purposely making these comments to either make you doubt yourself. He will never change and I think you’re a placeholder til he finds someone he really wants to be with

OP, I hope you're listening to all the commenters here and taking it to heart. This guy is not joking and he's negging you. He's also gaslighting you if he's actually denying what you actually heard with your own ears. You told him you don't like the things he says. A man who cares would say "I'm sorry, it was a joke but I'll stop because you don't like it". And then he would stop and never do it again.

I was also in an abusive marriage before so I understand how it warps your thinking on what's normal and what's not. But also, you can take that abusive relationship as a lesson on what not to tolerate, use that experience to make you stronger.

I suggest breaking up today. Men who do this type of stuff really don't change because they believe women are crap on the bottom of their sneaker. But if you truly don't want to for whatever reason, then you need to make it very clear to him that he is to stop the negging. You don't like it. It doesn't matter if it's a joke. You don't like it and that's what matters. If he continues after you were firm in your discussion, then I hope you can find the strength to dump him. There are many men who prey on women who have been in abusive relationships because it's easier for them to break you down. Don't allow it

5/10 abusive is still abusive

Classic red flag i'm afraid OP.

not that I expect to be worshipped and complimented all the time either

Yes you should expect to be complimented frequently. It's a normal part of a healthy relationship for a partner to let you know how much they like you, you're clever, funny, attractive, caring, thoughtful etc etc.

I'm telling you because maybe you don't think this is normal. But it is!

What a twat he sounds. Have you tried telling him he's crap in bed, or that his dick is tiny?

"Banter" and gas lighting. Both red flags for domestic abuse. He will be destroying your self esteem, so there's really only one thing to do. Break up with him now.

I went out with one of these...ditch him, it doesn't get any better.

I’d get the ick with someone who was so immature, let alone the vile negging. Tell him to fuck off and find someone who worships you. He sounds horrible and a childish twat.

Banter is supposed to be funny. He's just a prick.

He's a dickhead. You deserve better. Bin him

I would have a collection of insults stored to swiftly bat back at him when he does this again. About 10 should do it. Never use the same one twice and finish each one with a wink and a ruffle of his hair or a playful punch in his own paunchy belly 😈
Then I would dump the cunt.

Agreed with all the comments - it’s negging bullshit and he is doing it on purpose. If he was a good guy who was genuinely just making a stupid joke and you told him you found it hurtful he wouldn’t do it again, but he keeps on.

Thank you for confirming what I already knew deep down everyone.
After the "footballer" comment we had our biggest argument ever and I told him I wanted to split up. I told him I was insecure about my appearance and those comments were really triggering and hurtful for me. He got really aggressive and threatened to kick me out and make me sleep in his car (though it's both our names on the tenancy agreement)
Then he calmed down. He still didn't take ownership of the mean comment but grovelled and showered me with compliments. He keeps on doing it though for whatever reason and I know it's unlikely to stop. There's a lot of other stuff I'm unhappy about in the relationship too so I'm pretty ready to walk away at this point.

I'm financially dependent on him in an expensive city where the property market has gone bat shit crazy since Covid( renters literally having to offer 6 month's rent in advance or accepting places without viewings just to get somewhere) so It's going to be difficult.
I have a job interview soon for a much better paid job which would help a lot if successful - however all this has made me rather sad so I'm not sure how I'm going put my confident professional mask on! I shall try