Confused and upset about bf's "jokes" and mean comments

[Otessa]

I've been ill with a really bad cold for the last few days so my boyfriend has been sleeping on the sofa to give me space. He came in in the morning to ask how I was doing and I told him I feel terrible, he said "yeah you look rough. You always look rough though" I said "wtf!" at the comment incredulously and he laughed and said "I didn't mean it like that". I'm left thinking what other meaning is there to take from that comment but brushed off cos I was ill af and thought he was probably trying to do some kind of jokey banter, our banter can be quite close to the bone sometimes but I never say anything negative about his appearance, joking or not.

Thing is, it's not the first time he has said something like this. I have slightly thin hair in places from stress/medication and once he was lying behind me hugging me and randomly said "baldy". When I confronted him and told him how much it upset me he said he wasn't talking about me but some footballer he'd just been reading about
I also heard him singing a presumably made up song , right after we'd had sex, something like "my girlfriend has a big bum but not as big as her stomach"
There have been quite a few other instances like this too.

I'm very slim size 8 for what it's worth, though my stomach isn't totally flat. I'm not a model but generally considered attractive. I have a lot of insecurities about my appearance like a lot of women so I don't appreciate this kind of stuff coming from someone who's meant to care about me, not that I expect to be worshipped and complimented all the time either

These comments are always done in a jokey way and when I pull him up on them he either denies it or says he's joking and then is absolutely all over me with affection and trying to do things for me (cook etc)

Ive only been in one other long term relationship and that was outright abusive. I'm struggling to understand if I'm over reacting because of my past but beginning to feel really unhappy and resentful

Ive only been in one other long term relationship and that was outright abusive.

You're in another.

I hope you find what you need to leave him as quickly as possible. When you have, take a long break from relationships and work on yourself.

Oh and next time you're shagging start singing, "The goalie's got a tiny dick, the goalie's got a tiny dick." When he asks WTF you're doing, tell him it's just a footie thing and not about him at all.

OP, I feel sad for you after reading this most recent update. He sounds like how my abusive ex husband started out.

So you tried to tell him that your feelings are hurt by his comments and he gets aggressive/threatens to kick you out? A man who loves you will listen to your concerns and work on improving himself. I hope you stay safe over there. This really seems like the precursor to physical abuse. Is there anyone you can stay with until you get on your feet? Usually I say people should never tell friends/family their personal relationship business but that doesn't apply to abuse. Tell people so they can hopefully help you.

Also, use this as a lesson to never be financially dependent on any man, especially one you're not legally married to. Don't tell him about any job interviews/offers because he may try to sabotage it and get you fired. If you're not able to stay with anyone else, just quietly go to your interview. When you get a job, tell him the incorrect place so if he tries to call and get you fired, it won't work. Make sure you have your own bank account and hide that info. Make sure all your important paperwork is at someone else's house. Lock down your birth control (if you still even want to have sex with him) because abusive men often times sabotage it.

Most importantly, if he threatens to hurt you or actually does hurt you, get him locked up. Don't hesitate because he didn't hesitate to harm you.

Good luck and stay safe OP.

I'm twice your size, and probably twice your age, and my DP NEVER EVER says anything hurtful about my looks, my wobbly stomach, my grey roots or that fucking bristle on my chin that keeps sprouting back. Because he loves me to death, tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful and all that jazz.

I bet you are stunning and he can't believe his luck, so feels he has to neg you and be unkind to you so that you won't realise your true worth and go off with someone who genuinely adores you. You could do far, far better than this sad little sack, you know.

He threatened to kick you out ?!

Dump dump dump him.

Do what you can to get your shit in order to leave OP.
Can you borrow a deposit from family? Any chance of moving in with a friend or how about a professional house share? Just a nice room in a professional rental house until you can save up for your own place?

Have you got any bits you can sell to make some money - old iPhones, unwanted bags or clothes on vinted etc?

Once you make the decision to leave you’ll feel better in yourself. Take back your power and self esteem.
Don’t tell him your plans, just go about your business getting it sorted and block him as soon as you’re able to leave

The classic 'it was just a joke, stop being so defensive '

After the "footballer" comment we had our biggest argument ever and I told him I wanted to split up. I told him I was insecure about my appearance and those comments were really triggering and hurtful for me. He got really aggressive and threatened to kick me out and make me sleep in his car (though it's both our names on the tenancy agreement) then he calmed down. He still didn't take ownership of the mean comment but grovelled and showered me with compliments. He keeps on doing it though for whatever reason and I know it's unlikely to stop. There's a lot of other stuff I'm unhappy about in the relationship too so I'm pretty ready to walk away at this point.

This is really awful and abusive, OP. Maybe your previous relationship was worse, but there's still a level of abuse here.

Move somewhere cheaper or find a house-share or something, don't stay with this guy. He'll strip away your confidence.

For interview confidence:

Review your resume and make a project list of things you've accomplished/duties you've had where you've been successful. Make a list of your strengths and skills. Looking over this stuff should make you feel proud and capable and also give you talking points for interview questions. I actually send my project list to interviewers before we meet!

Good luck getting away from that shitbag.

"Jokes" ? Ah yeah, he's fucking hilarious. I bet your ribs were hurting from laughing at his awesome jokes.

He's being really mean. The "baldy" comment especially. What a cunt.

He is doing it to ensure you feel unattractive. It's a control thing. I wouldn't have it personally, I'm sad for you xx

He’s a horrible twat. Don’t stay with him. He’s only going to get worse. It’s banter to him, but he has obviously got a nasty controlling streak. If you stay, he will gradually wear you down.

He's the kind of twat to not appreciate what he's got until it's gone. Get your ducks in a row and get outta there, staying with him is dragging your self confidence down.

He's testing your Shark Cage OP.

Have a read of this article - www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Dump the fucker before you get used to it.

He got really aggressive and threatened to kick me out and make me sleep in his car (though it's both our names on the tenancy agreement)
Then he calmed down. He still didn't take ownership of the mean comment but grovelled and showered me with compliments. He keeps on doing it though for whatever reason and I know it's unlikely to stop. There's a lot of other stuff I'm unhappy about in the relationship too so I'm pretty ready to walk away at this point.

Oh, OP.
You are certainly in another abusive relationship.
He is using the classic "idealise / devalue / discard" abuse cycle to keep you destabilised.

This is NOT your fault.
Please do the freedom programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

& buy yourself this absolute belter of a book, which you will find educational, accessible ... & in some parts horribly accurate. Once you have got your head round Lundy Bancroft's concepts, you will never 'unsee' the pattern of abuse, the dynamic of coercive control, & the all-too-predictable (except to the victim, who is gaslighted out of being able to see it) "Script" that all abusers rely on.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I hope you are soon feeling much recovered from your cold, & when you are, you start on an immediate plan to remove yourself from this arsehole's orbit.

Ugh what an abusive piece of shit he is. OP is there anyone you can stay with - family, friends?

You’ll ace the interview btw. I know these things

Onwards and upwards 💪🏼

Update: I ended it with him in February after he got really aggressive and pushed me off the bed during an argument. I
managed to move out in March, and have my own lovely flat now.
The breakup wasn't as clean as it should have been , I kept contact with him for some time which I regret, but I have since told him I want to stop talking altogether and i will never , ever go back to him as I won't forget how miserable I was and how cruel he could be.
My still trying to make sense of some of the stuff that went on in our relationship. I still get angry about a lot of things and I'm so confused about why he behaved the way he did

Thanks for all the support and advice given in this thread.

Well done @Otessa , and did you get the job you went for ?

Don’t waste headspace trying to work out why he was abusive, he was and it’s his problem not yours.. Time to block him, I think.

@Otessa well done for getting out! And I am so pleased to hear you have your own lovely little flat now and you have cut contact completely.

I would also say that you won’t ever really make sense of why an abuser does it- often it is a reflection of how they feel about themselves and their own insecurities or they have a narcissistic personality.

Well done, Otessa.
Have a look at the Freedom Programme before you get into another relationship, and pre-arm yourself against the abusive arseholes.

I still get angry about a lot of things and I'm so confused about why he behaved the way he did

Don't be. Really. It's a him problem not a you problem. Therefore impossible for you to ever make sense of it. Don't waste any more of your precious life on it. Well done for getting yourself out of it.

No I didn't, but I found out I'm entitled to some government help since I'm on a low income. It tops up my monthly wage enough that I can pay my rent by myself while I look for something better paid.

I will try to stop myself dwelling on the things he said too much. I do ruminate on it and it never leads to a happy head space. In a weird way I would love to be able to sit down and have a chat with some of exes to find out how he was with them. It might help me make sense of it. But I know that's never going to happen! As people have said his behaviour was his problem not mine.

How would he take it if you said you found a maggot in the salad and it reminded you of his dick? Hahaha

Agree with this. And it's supposed to be reciprocal. If he can give it, he can take it, yes? Plus, he's man enough to apologise when you let him know he's overstepped the mark, yes?

No?

Read her updates

She's left him (thankfully)

If I pulled him up on any of these comments he would either deny ever having said it completely, say he was just joking and I was too insecure/sensitive, or admit he said something but say it wasn't about me but something else he was thinking about 🤔

If I'd have given the same back I'm pretty sure I would have wound up getting hurt as he used to have crazy temper outbursts and punch the walls, the headboard of the bed above my head. He pushed me off the bed once and got on top of me and put his hand over my mouth another time. ( I hadn't been making cruel comments to him to trigger these incidents btw)

Horrible shit really. I left him earlier in the year in case you didn't see my update. Just angry at myself for not getting out sooner.