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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he horrible when it's me

59 replies

Saltandpepper8 · 20/11/2021 13:07

My boyfriend has depression and hasn't had the best life in places. Overall he's got plenty I like about him and holds himself really well. He has his moments or days when he is down and can only think of how he feels. I always do my best to be there and help him. Give him space but love him. It's hard because he can switch from being allover me with support and loving to irritated and wont speak to me. I'm aware that nobody should put up with this stuff.

I'd say I'm the strong one. The together one mostly. But I'm human and occasionally I have a bad day or his moods will make me ask him questions about us. I sometimes feel like I'm irritating the life out of him. He gets really snappy at me if I'm sad or wobbly.

I am not feeling well this last couple of days. I feel terrible with anemia and yesterday being in bed all day I ended up having an extremely heavy bleed due to transexamic acid messing up my body. He is self employed and hasn't worked for 2 months due to his depression and our relationship has been very indoors and I think I was feeling abit worried yesterday. Felt like we needed out more. Needed more fun. I asked him a couple of questions about us at the moment because it feels like we could do with a change of scenery. We don't live together and we should be in the honeymoon stage really.

I knew I had annoyed him with my messages yesterday..I said to him that whilst their are a ton of photos of him and his exes adventures on Facebook I've realised there's nothing of us on there and I worry we should be doing more. This resulted in him being off with me. I was really bad in the night and messaged him to say if it didn't settle I'd call 111. He sent me a heart back and no message. When I woke this morning he was on Facebook but no reply. So I told him today I was upset he hadn't bothered to say are you OK. He told me his eyes were blurred and he didn't read the message but sent the heart so I didn't accuse him of ignoring him and call him straight away. This is behaviour I never use! I never call him if he doesn't instantly reply unless we bicker and its obvious that messages are getting misread.

I've just called him though to try smooth it over and he's just being cold towards me and saying hot headed things he doesn't mean. All i wanted was some comfort from him. I explained to him that I was feeling awful and a little scared in the night. He said hardly anything and I said I guess I should go. He said OK I'll speak to you later in a grumpy voice. So I said that this is making me feel even worse as normally we say we love eachother and bye. He told me to leave him to chill and hung up.

I've realised this is the 3rd or 4th time he's done this and its always if I'm not on top form. Which is so rare.

Do you think his depression makes him struggle with this or is he just being an arsehole?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/11/2021 13:10

He's an arsehole to you.

It's a one sided relationship you deserve and equal one.

MerryChristmasToYou · 20/11/2021 13:13

Bin him. He's selfish

IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2021 13:13

It's possible to be both.

You don't have to accept being treated like shit even if the person doing it is depressed.

Colourmeclear · 20/11/2021 13:16

Does it really matter why?

If he cares this little about your health now, I can't imagine it will get any better with time.

He's not meeting your needs, the reasons why are irrelevant.

category12 · 20/11/2021 13:18

Seems like it's all very one-way.

What are you getting out of the relationship?

EuromamaAussiekids · 20/11/2021 13:18

Thanks goodness you do not live with him op or have kids with him etc
Dump the bastard. He sounds awful.

ButEmilylovedhim · 20/11/2021 13:19

You’re not allowed to be ill clearly. That’s his role in the relationship. As soon as you need some support, he grudges giving any. I would not be continuing this relationship, it won’t get any better. I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Saltandpepper8 · 20/11/2021 13:21

It's just when he's down I help. I make him Drinks. I run him a bath. I talk to him. I fill out forms for him. He pays me back but there's times I've paid for stuff to help situations. He's said so himself that depression can be a very selfish place. He's told me he can't think about the fact we are not able to go out because he's not working because it will drown him. I know he's in a bad place but I've been his leaning post for quite some time now.
He's cooked for me and we've laughed and still had many lovely nights or days together. But I feel like he punishes me when I want to talk about things or if I'm not positive like normal.

The thing is he's not locked down any of his exes photos and I find it abit of a snack in the face seeing them enjoying life in various places and I'm waiting to leave the house with him. Maybe I did make myself a little jealous yesterday but it hurts me sometimes and wish he would at least hide a few of their memories from my sight.

Currently laid in bed feeling so fed up. I know I should have better standards for myself

OP posts:
IAAP · 20/11/2021 13:21

Does it matter? Someone keeps slapping you - does it matter if they are anxious, depressed, over stimulates or whatever - the fact is unless they stop doing it with empathy love and compassion - they will keep going

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/11/2021 13:21

He's showing you that you can never depend on him and he will never support you if you need it. Time to end the relationship.

Redannie118 · 20/11/2021 13:21

Hes training you to never show weakness or ask for support. If you do he will be angry and it will be YOUR fault. He wants everything from you and wants to give nothing in return and is angry you even asked. I know this because this was my ex DH was, and it only gets worse trust me.

prickferrari · 20/11/2021 13:22

It looks like you have a history of denial. Who else in your past treated you badly but made you feel you were responsible for their behaviour?

category12 · 20/11/2021 13:22

I know I should have better standards for myself

Listen to that voice.

Chichichiwawa · 20/11/2021 13:23

He doesn't like you, let alone love you. Dump him.

Fredstheteds · 20/11/2021 13:32

You don’t need or deserve this. Get someone decent

ChargingBuck · 20/11/2021 13:35

Do you think his depression makes him struggle with this

What depression? Does he have a diagnosis?
What medication is he taking, & what effect is it having?
What course of counselling or therapy is he engaging in?
When has he scheduled himself to return to work, even on an initial part-time basis?

or is he just being an arsehole?

There is no "or" about it.
Your b/f is either depressed, or he is not.
He is, however, most definitely an arsehole.

He can get treatment for his 'depression', if that's what it is.
There's no treatment for being an arsehole.

(Apart from finding a kind woman to facilitate your life for you while you treat her like shit. Is that what you want for your life OP?)

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2021 13:37

The only "why?" you should be asking yourself is why your standards are so shockingly low as to put up with this arsehole. All you're doing is wasting your time.

category12 · 20/11/2021 13:38

He could be depressed AND an arsehole.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2021 13:42

So basically, you are never allowed to be ill.

The guy is a bigtime energy vampire. He would never be supportive if you were in his situation.

This isn't what relationships should be. Time to free yourself.

Aislebeback · 20/11/2021 13:46

Leave him. My ex was like this. It didn't get better.

ChargingBuck · 20/11/2021 13:47

Yup, you do need better standards for your self OP.
If you treated yourself with HALF the loving care & attention you give Mr Arsehole, you'd be the most content woman on earth.

He's said so himself that depression can be a very selfish place.

Oh, so THAT'S OK THEN!!!!
He's told you that he feels like being selfish, so reckons it's ok to just be selfish?

If he told you that depression can be a very face-punchy place, would it be ok if he punched you in the face?

Can you not see how this man is training you up?

Please read this article - www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Buy this book - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

& do this course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

While you are cracking on with that, ditch this selfish loser, & have a think about all this - It's just when he's down I help. I make him Drinks. I run him a bath. I talk to him. I fill out forms for him. He pays me back but there's times I've paid for stuff to help situations -

What would happen if you did all this stuff JUST FOR YOURSELF?
Put all that energy & care & attention into yourself?
Stopped wasting it on a totally undeserving arsehole, & started truly nurturing, tending to, loving & educating of YOURSELF?

Once you have done that - & I mean it, spend a year seriously looking after yourself AND NOT DATING - AT ALL! - you will look back, a content & wiser women, & wonder WTF you ever saw in Mr Arsehole, let alone why you gave him even the time of day.

Flowers I'm not scolding you OP. Just urging you to live your young life for YOU, not random arseholes. You don't need a man right now. You need to find your inner woman, listen to her, take care of her, & help her grow.
VioletVesper · 20/11/2021 13:49

@Redannie118

Hes training you to never show weakness or ask for support. If you do he will be angry and it will be YOUR fault. He wants everything from you and wants to give nothing in return and is angry you even asked. I know this because this was my ex DH was, and it only gets worse trust me.
Please listen to this poster OP.
Oftenithinkaboutit · 20/11/2021 13:51

I don’t give a dog about your situation

But don’t even think about ever calling 111 for this kind of nonsense

* I was really bad in the night and messaged him to say if it didn't settle I'd call 111.*

Oftenithinkaboutit · 20/11/2021 13:52

Fig

pickingdaisies · 20/11/2021 14:03

OP, he's using you for a comfort blanket. He doesn't love you or care for you as a person. Depression is a very handy illness for him, he can blame it for everything. Whereas in truth, for most people, medication will allow them to live a normal life within a few weeks of beginning to take it. That includes holding down a job and having a social life. You need to step away from this one, he's a happiness sponge. He's wallowing and you're a supporting act in his drama.