Why is he horrible when it's me

[Saltandpepper8]

My boyfriend has depression and hasn't had the best life in places. Overall he's got plenty I like about him and holds himself really well. He has his moments or days when he is down and can only think of how he feels. I always do my best to be there and help him. Give him space but love him. It's hard because he can switch from being allover me with support and loving to irritated and wont speak to me. I'm aware that nobody should put up with this stuff.

I'd say I'm the strong one. The together one mostly. But I'm human and occasionally I have a bad day or his moods will make me ask him questions about us. I sometimes feel like I'm irritating the life out of him. He gets really snappy at me if I'm sad or wobbly.

I am not feeling well this last couple of days. I feel terrible with anemia and yesterday being in bed all day I ended up having an extremely heavy bleed due to transexamic acid messing up my body. He is self employed and hasn't worked for 2 months due to his depression and our relationship has been very indoors and I think I was feeling abit worried yesterday. Felt like we needed out more. Needed more fun. I asked him a couple of questions about us at the moment because it feels like we could do with a change of scenery. We don't live together and we should be in the honeymoon stage really.

I knew I had annoyed him with my messages yesterday..I said to him that whilst their are a ton of photos of him and his exes adventures on Facebook I've realised there's nothing of us on there and I worry we should be doing more. This resulted in him being off with me. I was really bad in the night and messaged him to say if it didn't settle I'd call 111. He sent me a heart back and no message. When I woke this morning he was on Facebook but no reply. So I told him today I was upset he hadn't bothered to say are you OK. He told me his eyes were blurred and he didn't read the message but sent the heart so I didn't accuse him of ignoring him and call him straight away. This is behaviour I never use! I never call him if he doesn't instantly reply unless we bicker and its obvious that messages are getting misread.

I've just called him though to try smooth it over and he's just being cold towards me and saying hot headed things he doesn't mean. All i wanted was some comfort from him. I explained to him that I was feeling awful and a little scared in the night. He said hardly anything and I said I guess I should go. He said OK I'll speak to you later in a grumpy voice. So I said that this is making me feel even worse as normally we say we love eachother and bye. He told me to leave him to chill and hung up.

I've realised this is the 3rd or 4th time he's done this and its always if I'm not on top form. Which is so rare.

Do you think his depression makes him struggle with this or is he just being an arsehole?

Asking 'Why' is an attempt to explain away his behaviour, but frankly, if somebody said 'It's because x y and z', the behaviour would still make you feel crappy, so it doesn't really make any difference anyway. This situation is like trying to work out the mechanics of combustion whilst your house burns down; the why's are irrelevant, and you don't ever need to understand: you just need to get out because you recognise that it's a damaging and dangerous situation.

@Oftenithinkaboutit wtf are you on about? What's wrong with asking for medical advice?

Because I suspect the reason why the OP messaged that was in hope to get him to engage with her, an element of drama. Rather than actually needing 111.

Reread the OP. Drama drama drama

@Oftenithinkaboutit

I don’t give a dog about your situation

But don’t even think about ever calling 111 for this kind of nonsense

* I was really bad in the night and messaged him to say if it didn't settle I'd call 111.*

Thanks for clarifying that you don't give a shit about the OP's situation, so she doesn't need to pay any mind to you.

Is that why you also don't give a shit about her health, & are advising her not to ring to NHS for help should she need it, @Oftenithinkaboutit?

Any justification for that, or is it simply general mean-spiritedness?

@Oftenithinkaboutit

Because I suspect the reason why the OP messaged that was in hope to get him to engage with her, an element of drama. Rather than actually needing 111.

Reread the OP. Drama drama drama

& I suspect you are a spiteful troll.

Rearead your posts. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

I'm aware that nobody should put up with this stuff

That’s all you need. He is selfish and only focused on himself. You are chasing him. Stop it and look for someone who adds to your life, not someone who makes it harder.

He's an arsehole. Happy if you're supporting him but not happy to support you. Bin him!

He is being an arsehole isn't he. Its just not an excuse when I've gone to so many lengths to help him. He would be on his arse if it wasn't for Me and the help I've given since August especially.

I would never call 111 for no reason. I was pouring with blood for 6 hours changing my pad every 15 minutes. Heart pounding head swirling and lungs felt half empty. I didn't call them because it stopped thankfully but I have young kids and I was worried about passing out. I seem to have had a reaction to new tablets.

You're going to dump him, surely?

But why, especially given that you have young kids who need your time and attention, are you running after this arsehole?

@ChargingBuck has given you some good advice. Do read those books/websites.

And also Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood.

He doesn't care enough, that's all there is to it.

Sometimes people put themselves in the role of the ill one / the one who needs support. They don't want to be the supportive one. They begrudge their OH being ill and either punish them for it or just ignore the fact they are ill.

He may be depressed (and if he is I hope he's sought medical advice and getting it treated) but that is no excuse for being self-centred and not showing care to other people.

He's basically saying that if both of you feel ill, his illness always trumps yours.

You deserve better. He will get worse.

@Saltandpepper8

He is being an arsehole isn't he. Its just not an excuse when I've gone to so many lengths to help him. He would be on his arse if it wasn't for Me and the help I've given since August especially.

I would never call 111 for no reason. I was pouring with blood for 6 hours changing my pad every 15 minutes. Heart pounding head swirling and lungs felt half empty. I didn't call them because it stopped thankfully but I have young kids and I was worried about passing out. I seem to have had a reaction to new tablets.

If you have young kids, then you'd be so much better concentrating your emotional energy on them and your own needs, rather than propping up a boyfriend.

Look for someone who adds to your life, not someone who takes from you.

@Saltandpepper8

The op has young children?

You do

Oh op wasting all this head space and all this drama over a man when you are a single parent of young children

Hunker down and focus.

Reminds me very much of the early days of the relationship with my ex.

My boyfriend has depression and hasn't had the best life in places.

I thought this about him too, but really it was more like "is an entitled arsehole who stuffs up every chance he gets, feels the world owes him everything and is angry that he hasn't been served it on a plate".

I'd say I'm the strong one. The together one mostly.

Because he's an overgrown child who wants you to sort out everything and comfort him when life is unfair enough to not give him exactly what he wants, but he doesn't see any reason why you should get the same support, and is probably angry that the attention is being taken away from him.

Get rid.

Yep. You're in a bad place health wise. Dont let this leech drag you down emotionally as well. You know the bar is through the earth for you right now. Get better and get rid of him

He’s horrible to you because he’s horrible. It’s very simple. You’ve had some very good advice from other posters on what to do next.

Look at it this way - all the energy and care - and money - you are giving him, is energy and care and money he’s stealing from your kids. Put them and yourself first always, and definitely above some shitty boyfriend who treats you like you’re nothing and makes you unhappy. Your kids deserve a happy mum, not a mum who makes herself miserable by hanging around with an arsehole who treats her like shit.

I've read all the replies thank you. He turned into Mr nice again last night. Told me I was the world to him and that he wanted me to go around today and look after me. Although honestly don't think I should go anywhere as its 3 miles I'm a taxi or on foot and I really don't feel great still. Then tomorrow morning I'd need to be up to take the kids to school really early and I don't think I can do that whilst so exhausted.

I have looked at the links sent thank you. I do try not to make excuses for him. I know alot of his past and I can understand to an extent where some of his struggles are rooted. But I don't think he does enough to deal with things from the past affecting him now.

I absolutely agree If I gave myself the love and care I've thrown at him these last few months I would be feeling pretty good. I am starting to see that it's very much one sided and its me putting myself out alot for his sake. He's very needy of me and whilst there's lots of good points with us I am getting abit exhausted by him. His car was written off last month by a large lorry coming down the street when it shouldn't have been. The insurance company don't want to pay out so that's another thing. I've been the one getting taxis and walking 3 miles to him. He does meet me half way but it's another issue when I'm not 100% I can cope being at his house but it's the getting there and back.

Thank you for your opinions on this. I think it's time to break it off as there's no signs of these things improving.

He didnt really turn into mr nice. He has asked you, when ill, to walk three miles to his house. That’s not nice. it is selfish.

Also turning into mr nice again is the cycle of abuse. Thats what they do to make sure you do not leave. They throw a crumb.

It is a very good decision to end it because he isnt changing. People generally dont change. In your next relationship judge the man on how he behaves every day.

i absolutely agree If I gave myself the love and care I've thrown at him these last few months I would be feeling pretty good.

Better yet
If you’d directed all that towards your children, i reckon they would be feeling pretty good too

Eh? He wants to look after you by making you walk three miles to HIS place, after you have had a massive bleed and aren't feeling well?

Dump this selfish fucking loser and do it quickly. He sounds bloody awful.

He turned into Mr nice again last night. Told me I was the world to him and that he wanted me to go around today and look after me.

FFS. Translated:
"Ooops it's time to lay on the charm. I'm bored & want attention, she can come round mine because I'm not walking 3 miles."

His car was written off last month by a large lorry coming down the street when it shouldn't have been. The insurance company don't want to pay out
Translated: He drive into a lorry, which was clearly his fault, hence his insurers are refusing to pay up."

He's a liar who has no intention of looking after you.
Was he even listening, when you told him how poorly you were?

I've been the one getting taxis and walking 3 miles to him. He does meet me half way but it's another issue when I'm not 100% I can cope being at his house but it's the getting there and back.

This is just crazy.

Break it off with him today.

You don't have to accept being treated like shit even if the person doing it is depressed

This.

I may be flamed for this, but I would never, ever have dated someone with depression- I could not have handled how much work it is emotionally and the factors such as unemployment/ not working, never mind thr constant mood changes/ negativity. I would advise my DC of exactly the same.

Leave for your own MH and esteem.