The silent treatment runs in my family. They are like haughty toddlers.

[AnFiadhRua]

So sick of it, and dreading Christmas. It's weird how rife it is, clicked on two threads and two people are being given the silent treatment by their partners.

My mother used to give me the silent treatment the moment I failed to endorse her rosy perception of herself. My father holds her coat in this quite happily, her willing foot soldier. My brother threw me under a bus for trying to be heard. They all talk about me but not to me.

The narrative in my family of origin is that I am sensitive, emotional, that I ....shout

And yet, my mother, having orchestrated a smear campaign that has reached cousins via my aunts, now wants ''a happy Christmas''.

She wants me to play the part of Daughter. Summonsed back to play the part of daughter but still, just to be clear, STILL denied any voice, any communication. She told me that my father and her decided not to throw accusations around. What I call a conversation, she calls '''throwing accusations around''.

If you try to connect with my mother, she literally gets angry.

But if I'm to go back to heel for Christmas, not sure what I'll be invited to under sufferance yet, but the narrative will be that they're saints overlooking my ''behaviour'' (ie, me raising my voice trying to make my point after they'd decided between them that there would be NO conversation with me about the hurt I told them they caused me, but not telling me that this was decided, and yet, when I said that they were stonewalling me, I was told ''no we're not''.)

I'm single and that's a problem only in that they don't respect me on my own. If I had a partner in my corner they would have acknowledged that they hurt me. But they have no respect for me. They own me.

I must respect their right to hurt me and stone wall me. But.............. I'm summonsed at Christmas. Even though, whatever distorted martyred accounts of our falling out my mother has given to my aunts, they didn't respond to a simple text I sent to thank them for something they sent to my daughter.

Anybody else feel like their family has the emotional intelligence of a bunch of toddlers? But worse, haughty toddlers who have zero self-awareness but act appalled by my ''behaviour''.

If I cut them off, I'll be the worst in the world and it'll be half way around Ireland what an ingrate I am after all they did for me. The 8 aunts will tell the 32 cousins who'll tell their spouses and they all believe it.

I'm trying. I'm constructing texts in my head but it's really pointless.

What person am I supposed to be I wonder? One who has NO visible reaction to being hurt and never expects the courtesy of a conversation, somebody who is happy with being stonewalled and smeared to the relatives.

Just write back “Thank you!”

It will kill her.

Hi op have a look at the website for Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you may find it useful.
Yes - just say Thankyou - that will throw her of kilter!!!!

Grow into the person you're supposed to be? That sounds like major projection from your mother.

I second the couple of words, emotionless responses suggested. If you don't react they have to find someone else to torment with their crap. Every reaction you give, regardless of how reasonable and deserved, is more fodder for their image of you.

My last 'interview' with my DM, she threw every wound and trick in the book at me, what a difficult and terrible daughter I had always been etc etc, I sat with an amused look on my face imagining the insults bouncing off the top of my head. Nothing hit home. Priceless moment. I hope you can get to the same place.

I hope i can resist reacting. How dare she shut down all communication and then tell me that im enotionally unhealthy.

Sitting on my handsSitting on my handsSitting on my hands

If it's any consolation what I found that manipulators like your mother sometimes have an 'expiry' date in that they run out of flying monkeys and enablers eventually. People do start to realise what they are like when their children peel away from them.

Mine manipulated my DB and DSil (and anyone else who would listen) against me. Ten years later they are contacting me because they have now fallen out with my DM and moved house to get away from her.

They may seem all powerful when they successfully manipulate others but sit back and watch. Also the only thing you can change is your reaction to your DMs crap. You see or hear something inflammatory, pretend you haven't. It'll drive her mad. Don't take any notice of the criticisms, it's not you, it's her.

OP this sounds miserable. You don’t have to be an actor in your parents life and an extension of them, put on this earth to please them and fulfil their wishes, including coming back to play the daughter when they summons you

It is amazing that things had settled in to this froideur, no fresh fighting but no communication either. And she sort of summonsed me un-specifically for Christmas, and as little as it was it felt like a slight softening (if not any kind of actual resolution) and then she goads me by telling me that she hopes I can grow in to the person I was meant to me.

She would deny deny deny but she goads me in to the behaviours she denies in herself.

I just read this about the types of parents who give the silent treatment.

This is my mother to a t

''The emotionally immature parent/self-absorbed gives the silent treatment for a few reasons. It might be because they want to avoid conflict as they typically feel overwhelmed by it and don’t know how to resolve it. They are also quite self-absorbed and they can get stuck in their own emotions, so during a conflict they will be too focused on their own experience of the situation, and they will struggle to have empathy or the ability to really be there for us, so they push us away. Because they don’t have the maturity to be able to calmly resolve a difficult situation, they resort to unhealthy behaviours like punishment, manipulation and control to get their way or deal with it, even if it costs them the relationship. But because they often feel hurt easily, they are oblivious to other people’s pain or how their actions could hurt others. This means they don’t really see the damage they do to us or the pain they cause when they give us the silent treatment. Emotionally immature people struggle to express their feelings in a healthy way or look inwards which means they blame their negative feelings on others instead of taking responsibility for their actions or how they feel.''

So I'd be pushing water uphill texting anything.....

@User345433

OP this sounds miserable. You don’t have to be an actor in your parents life and an extension of them, put on this earth to please them and fulfil their wishes, including coming back to play the daughter when they summons you

Yes, I do feel that's what they think is normal, default, that I be an actor in their play.

@Dacquoise I am so unbearably tempted to just write ''you shut down communication. I am willing to communicate even if it's not easy or pleasant''.

I probably shouldn't though. This is probably a drama bait. The ''hook'' is that I think I'm more emotionally mature than she is and so she is going right for that jugular to make me play out again................

Yep you've got it, she's throwing you that hook. Swim away. Rise above it. It's a very strong muscle that you have to keep flexing. Eventually you'll do it automatically and she'll probably have to find someone else to torment to make herself feel better.

Remember that people like this actually feel very empty and small on the inside. And they hate to be ignored.

OP,

Glad you are not putting yourself through Christmas with a bunch of people that you only share DNA with.

What is the point?

It will be stressful and a waste of time.

I am VERY suspicious of anyone who tells me that their children are NC.

A friend of mine had a neighbour that seemed like such a sweet old woman and she told me that it was just awful that none of her 3 children went near her. I gently told her she had no idea what their reasoning was and not to judge them so quickly.

Her husband started doing bits for this woman, at my friends request, but over time it became a bit intrusive and he started to get PA remarks about keeping her waiting etc.

Her husband was not impressed and told my friend she could take over as he was not having it.

Anyway she had to have a difficult conversation with her neighbour that her husband had a busy job and responsibilities etc. and she was very rude to her.

She subsequently told other neighbours how hurt, upset and let down she felt by my friend and her husband.
This all happened over the course of a few years and has really embarrassed my friend.

She gets it NOW!

Actually isn't she right? You will be a less stressed person without them!! So right in a way. The person you are meant to be is one without a family of fuckwits.
That isn't a negative you know.
I am nc with my dps and honestly the relief....
No ils either.
Double bliss.

Right, I am going out for lunch with two lovely school friends. I'm off work today. I will get through the worst of the urge to respond in the company of old school friends. It's like an addition. I want to tell her how emotionally unhealthy SHE is but I won't I won't.

It's only Tuesday? Might be having wine with lunch.

@billy1966 im the same. Nobody just goes nc with their parents on a whim. Instant suspicion from me too.

Imo they are fearful you have found your voice..
Back away with dignity.
Letting rip would give them ammo to blame you to everyone for everything sadly...
Living your best life is true revenge as cheesey as it sounds.

Beware of WineApp OP😂😂

I agree with silence, it can't be argued with, reasoned with, used against you by being shown about the place.

Total radio silence.

Any attempt at blow back respond with a big PA smile and nods.

Don't answer calls from anyone.

People may gossip and listen to gossip, but they often privately say among them themselves "I wonder what the real story is there".

Stay away from them and enjoy the peace and company of genuine friends.

Enjoy your lunch.

As temping as it would be to text back, "thanks, you too!" best to not say anything.
Enjoy lunch with friends, and anyone who tries to guilt you can go pound sand. I find those who pull the 'but faaaaammmilllyyyy' card often fall into three camps:

First, those who have zero experience with toxic family members, so genuinely can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that yes, some parents really do treat their kids this way.

Two, those who DO have toxic family members, but are still in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and believe that you can never, EVER walk away from family, that those who walk away are worse than the abusers. I've said that abusive families are mini cults, with the sheer amount of brain washing that goes on from infancy. Those who step out of line are severely punished.

Three, those who are afraid that others will leave them due to their behaviour.

Someone who encourages you to go back to an abusive relationship, be it with extended family or romantic partner isn't to be trusted, imo.

I didn't have wine! We were sitting outside ffs and I had about litre of hot soup and it was gorgeous and then I had another. Lovely. Can hardly move. Souped senseless.

I won't reply but if I were going to I'd quite like to reply

''I have grown in to a person I'm meant to be yes, I know now what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for. I'm not responsible for the damage and distance your stonewalling has done to our relationship'.

But I typed it here instead. Thank you. That helped. Just typing that out got it out a bit.

@ChubbyMorticia I really agree with those three categories.

@AnFiadhRua one of the responses I've developed over the years to, "But you only have one mother!" is, "Thank goodness. I couldn't have survived two of them."

Tends to quiet people enough to make an easy escape.

It's one of those times when you could reply with a thumbs up or a "who's this?"

She’s put the hook in the water and wriggling it - don’t bite at all. Block on everything I mean everything delete it all off your phone and block her.

Do not respond.

Narcissistic behaviour at the best - any response will be wrong - do not lower yourself. Block and delete

Sounds like you did the right thing leaving. They never get any better and when a man turns to the drink, or drugs and becomes dependant, any woman is on a hiding to nothing with him!
You do sound like fun OP and so am I, I love havin' the craic! DM any time if you want to vent or just have a chat. A meet-up in Dublin might be fun once the warmer weather comes, so long as we're not locked up again!

@unname

Just write back “Thank you!”

It will kill her.

Seconding this, as was about to post similar, but late to the party.

FFS @AnFiadhRua - I understand the frustration of suppressing that instinct to react (mainly in the hopes of 'finally getting through') but as we all seem too sadly aware round these parts, there IS No Getting Through to the ClusterB personality.

The self-professed "emotionally mature one" will take anything you say & fashion it into a little poisoned dart to arm her flying monkeys with. Hell, she's probably already called in the Crack Squad, in anticipation of getting some festive Supply out of you, whether she thinks you are going to show up or not. She'll need you punish you, either way, so head down, Grey Rock, & fuck the monkey squad.

& if you need to remind yourself to keep sitting on your hands, just remember All The Things Cluster-B disordered people will definitely do, without qualm or self-reproach, & chant "clusterfuck! clusterfuck! clusterfuck!" inside your head until the urge to reply is safely gone.

It is NOT mature, & has helped me tremendously, as I end up laughing myself shitless at the insanity.
But only ever from a safe distance