What to do.....

[Low80]

Can someone please advise me?

I'm 39, been with my partner for 17 years with 2 children.

To cut a long story short, I've changed and grown apart and I don't love her anymore and have been wanting out for a few months. There's no other women involved.

I just can't summon up the words to tell her. I don't want to hurt her or my children. It's given me extreme anxiety and I can't even eat or sleep properly with this on mind.

Do I wait until after Xmas or do it asap?

Has she got any idea at all how you are feeling ?

Would you not consider couples counselling to find your way back to each other?

Yes, she knows I'm feeling very down and has asked what's wrong with me etc.

Although I've grown apart, she's my only relationship, she's the mother to our lovely children and I will always care and respect for her. That's what has stopped me saying anything, but I just can't help the way I feel inside. And by not saying anything, I'm lieing to her and hurting myself

@RandomMess if you have fell out of love, can it be rekindled with counselling?

Have never had before, but after a long relationship, can that love/connection come back?

Have you tried counselling?

You really need to rekindle your relationship.
Take her out, see her as her and not the mother she is day to day.
Take a minute imagine your future:
Sorting out childcare arrangements,
Sorting out the household bills
Her dealing with this and looking after the children
Her moving on and meeting a new partner .

Is the really what you want?

My ex and I wanted to split and it has been, hell it - turned nasty and angry and we have all suffered.

Yes it can come back.

Emotionally disconnecting when you have DC is so easy to do they take so much emotional energy and time it's so easy for your relationship to get neglected.

I'm sure there is much that could be done to reconnect, find each other, make an effort to make each other happier and feel wanted, desired ans cherished.

A few months of feeling like that wouldn't be enough for me to end a marriage. I go off my husband sometimes but a few months can change your mind/ change your feelings entirely in my opinion. Is it just a bad patch or has she done something unforgivable?

Thanks for the replies.

When I look at our relationship and think what
I would miss, there's very little.

She's been emotionally controlling at times. And I think it's begun to wear me down.

She has always wanted to get married, but we put it off due to finances, having children etc. But now she wants to do it next year year. My body shuts down when she even wants to talk about it.

And it's making me question everything

Why would you leave your family when it's only been a few months of wanting out.

Try to reconnect, save the marriage or

Tell her the truth of how you feel, she will obviously think you have someone waiting in the wings and it's going to be hard because she will question that, you know that.

Hmmm I'm a bit 😒 at the posters stating that you have to go to counselling to fix your relationship and stay together. That is one option but ultimately if you have been wanting out for months you should be able to make that choice. The relationship doesn't necessarily need to be BAD to want to end things, falling out of love with someone is a valid reason to leave.

However, you do need to discuss this with her ASAP, don't blindside her by saying this isn't working I'm leaving.

Also since you share children you need to have a really good think about how living and financial arrangements would affect them and be FAIR, especially as you aren't married

If you're absolutely sure ending it is what you want and there's no other choice for you, I would tell her now. I had friends in a similar situation (although a shorter relationship and no children) and A was planning to leave for months but said nothing to B until he was ready to go. The breakup was one thing - it would have been hard anyway - but for B the harder thing was eventually knowing that A had been determined to go for months before breaking the news. All the things they had done together during that last period of time were ruined for B by knowing there was some deceit going on (pretending all was normal when it was absolutely not). It took a long time for B to trust someone else in a new relationship, although that did eventually happen.

So if you're sure, I wouldn't wait any longer. How will she feel if she knows you stayed with her over Christmas knowing you were going to drop this bombshell afterwards? You're both adults, tell her what you're planning and you can decide together how to handle Christmas for the children, if they're young enough for it to matter.

I would wait until after Christmas personally. We are half way through November! It’s not months, it’s weeks.

Try counseling first.

You're at mid-life crisis age. You don't want to end up kicking yourself if this is just a phase.

I don’t think after 17 years anyone should go you know what, I haven’t been happy for a couple of months now and I don’t love her, I really need to get out- without having tried to talk to her and rekindle the relationship, and done some counseling to make sure it’s not a mid life crisis and this won’t be the biggest mistake of your life.
You don’t mention your dc, have you thought about this at all? Would you be planning to do school runs? Have them 50/50? Etc etc… or are you just I’ll tell her it’s over and I’ll suddenly be happy and free?

Thanks all.

Some conflicting views which has made me even more confused.

When I say it's been a few months, that's a few months of realisation that I'm supressing my true feelings purely out of fear. It's been all year where I've slowly found myself becoming more and more unhappy.

I see a post here about how do you know you have fallen out of love, and a lot applies to how I feel.

It's the thought of not seeing my children everyday that's killing me inside and I can feel myself sliding into depression

You really need to rekindle your relationship

No 🙄 you really don't. If there's a chance it can be saved then yes give it a try but if you're really really unhappy then it's okay to call it, relationships end all the time. You don't owe someone your life, even if there are kids involved.

@NotExactlyOptimistic

You really need to rekindle your relationship

No 🙄 you really don't. If there's a chance it can be saved then yes give it a try but if you're really really unhappy then it's okay to call it, relationships end all the time. You don't owe someone your life, even if there are kids involved.

Agreed.

In an ideal world you can start talking about it now, it goes reasonably okay and you don't have to tell the kids or change anything into after Christmas.

Or if you want to try the counselling, then grat because then you can really say you've both tried and that can give you peace of mind. Also the counselling can facilitate a healthy break up too. I'm sorry you're in this situation, none of us think it'll be us.

OP
Has anything else changed in your life? Sometimes when your life is chaotic, people will focus on the big things they CAN change ( IE relationship).

But if it's not that, then give yourself an end date to talk to her.
Perhaps after Christmas?

Think about what you really want to say. Be clear, and be kind.

@NotExactlyOptimistic @Getbehindme I'm unhappy to the extent that my mental health is really starting to suffer. Because I know deep down I'm not being honest with myself or my partner.

@spotcheck no nothing major has changed. I always try to be kind and have always put other people's happiness ahead of my own. It's knowing what to say that's so hard.

Ok so unhappy for a long time and she's emotionally controlling and you don't want to get married and there was little you would miss.

This changes things, get some counselling for yourself to give you the confidence and clarity you need to end it.

In what ways is she emotionally controlling? How long have you felt unhappy for, what was the catalyst?

Sit her down when you are alone and tell her that you want to separate as amicably as possible.

Start. Once you start you will feel better about everything.

Find somewhere to live and make arrangements for seeing the DC etc.

@RandomMess thanks, I've never had counselling..... although I have been thinking of contacting Relate for individuals sessions. My confidence is rock bottom.

I'd say at least a year of feeling unhappy, probably even longer if I'm honest. I kept thinking this feeling may change, but it's just gone on and on. And its just the last few months when I've really started to almost stop trying to bury my feelings under the carpet.

There are countless things regarding controlling. It can be little things like demanding I delete my sister of social media because they have had an minor argument, to then making me feel guilty for visiting family members of mine that she "doesn't like" for whatever reason. Or we have an argument and she won't speak to me for a week. The list is endless, which have all worn me down.

I think the catalyst is wedding talk.

@Rissole I know that's exactly what I need to do. But when I'm feeling so low, depressed and anxious, it feels almost impossible for me to do it😔

Consider finding somewhere first even if it's temporary.

If you can't speak to her then could you write a letter saying you have been unhappy for a long time and want to separate as amicably as possible.

What are you most afraid of?