What to do.....

[Low80]

Can someone please advise me?

I'm 39, been with my partner for 17 years with 2 children.

To cut a long story short, I've changed and grown apart and I don't love her anymore and have been wanting out for a few months. There's no other women involved.

I just can't summon up the words to tell her. I don't want to hurt her or my children. It's given me extreme anxiety and I can't even eat or sleep properly with this on mind.

Do I wait until after Xmas or do it asap?

You sound like a lovely person OP x

Are you still having sex ?
If not, what has she said about it ?

No, absolutely don’t get married.
It won’t fix it.

I think some people here are assuming you're a man and automatically taking the woman's side.

If a woman had posted this she would have been told to get out immediately as soon as the term emotionally controlling had been used. She would also have been told you don't need an excuse to break up with someone.

As you have children I would wait until after Christmas to break up so that it doesn't ruin this time of year for them and give them the associated bad memories in the future.

While you wait to do that it would definitely be a good idea to speak to someone about this so you feel less anxious and alone. A friend or counsellor would be good. And really try to think about whether your negative feelings are definitely due to your relationship or whether there could be anything else going on which is making you unhappy (eg depression, anxiety, stress).

Best of luck.

@RandomMess I have read before about people suggesting a letter, but once that's written, those words are there for ever and that may do more harm than good?

I had some childhood trauma and I absolutely hate conflict. And my partner is the complete opposite and rows with her family and friends all the time, so I know it's going to be incredibly difficult to talk to her.

@NotExactlyOptimistic thank you X

@GoodnightGrandma intimacy has become more and more infrequent. And I'm made to feel guilty if I don't want to have sex with her

@belimoo thanks for the advice.

Yes it's hard for a man to talk openly about these kind of issues. I havent talked to anyone about how I feel. I know if I told any of family of how I'm feeling and what I've been through, they would be telling me to leave asap. I almost feel embarrassed to tell anyone.

I do feel depressed, but I think that's because I'm here and don't feel I have the courage to do anything about it.

I have been where you are and honestly the relief you will feel once you actually tell her it's not working and you want to split is so strong. You need to just spit it out.

I actually felt I could breathe once I admitted out loud that things weren't working and we would be happier apart.

I was married 10 years we had a great lifestyle but just grew apart and I was miserable compromising every day to keep the peace and not being true to myself.

It will be tough and there will be drama when you tell her probably for months but it is easier to handle then living a lie and becoming ill and depressed with all the stress. You need to rip the plaster off and get on with next chapter in your life.

If I were you I’d get through Xmas first.
You’re not married so there’s no complication there, but do you own your home or rent ?
Are you prepared to move out ?

If you feel that you need to go now for your sanity do, but Xmas might be a trial for you.

@Jota67 thanks for your thoughts. Yes I feel like I'm almost just trying to survive each day, but the stress is starting to make me ill and very withdrawn. I feel exactly how you described.

@GoodnightGrandma we rent..I would move back to parents until in the short term and then get my own place

[quote Low80]@Jota67 thanks for your thoughts. Yes I feel like I'm almost just trying to survive each day, but the stress is starting to make me ill and very withdrawn. I feel exactly how you described.

@GoodnightGrandma we rent..I would move back to parents until in the short term and then get my own place[/quote]
Honestly it will be a weight off your chest. You need to do this. You will find yourself again and feel at peace and you will be a better man for being honest with her and yourself.
I like myself a lot more these days now I am no longer living a lie. I also now have a much healthier relationship and my ex is happily married and we are civil and communicate well about our DD.
You just need to take the first step and be honest.
Don't worry about her reaction it will be awful initially for a few months but she will accept and then you can focus on practicalities and moving forward.

I am a happier parent these days and so is my ex with is a much better role model for kids than living a lie and being miserable.

Wish you all the best. You will come through this a much stronger person and in the long run she also deserves to be with someone who is happy with her too.

I feel like if this thread was about someone wanting to leave their emotionally controlling husband, the answers would be very different and less focussed on trying to make it work.
OP I think of you want to leave you should have the conversation now. Don’t spin it out til after Xmas, the longer you put of off the more chance there is of other things cropping up that mean you can’t do it at that moment. The sooner it’s done the sooner you can all move on.

@Jota67 thanks for the reply and encouragement. I know that I either have to hurt her now, or hurt her more by staying and living a lie. And I just know I will feel better in the long run as I have a constant massive knot in my stomach.

@Lampan thanks. I know I need to do it sooner rather than later. I've come close, but yes, theres always something in the way.....a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday etc. After Christmas it's my child's birthday.....there's never really a good time I guess 😔

I’ve always had a reason to stay but at some point you have to bite the bullet.
I’ve recently done it, and I’m hoping that we can get through Xmas amicably before telling our DD’s.

[quote Low80]@Jota67 thanks for the reply and encouragement. I know that I either have to hurt her now, or hurt her more by staying and living a lie. And I just know I will feel better in the long run as I have a constant massive knot in my stomach.

@Lampan thanks. I know I need to do it sooner rather than later. I've come close, but yes, theres always something in the way.....a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday etc. After Christmas it's my child's birthday.....there's never really a good time I guess 😔[/quote]
Don't live a lie over Xmas buying gifts and being fake. You will make yourself ill.

That knot in your stomach will go and you will find new energy and purpose once you take the decision.

I do know how hard this is. But please believe me when I say you can only feel better by taking action

@Jota67 I agree, thanks so much. Appreciate your message as you have been through where I am. I just need to find the strength to do it

@Low80

Thanks for the replies.

When I look at our relationship and think what
I would miss, there's very little.

She's been emotionally controlling at times. And I think it's begun to wear me down.

She has always wanted to get married, but we put it off due to finances, having children etc. But now she wants to do it next year year. My body shuts down when she even wants to talk about it.

And it's making me question everything

Finances and children don't stop anyone getting married if they really want to. You can have a marriage ceremony for £100. If it's a wedding you want, then that would cost money. But a wedding doesn't make a marriage.

@GoodnightGrandma I agree, I keep finding excuses. Good luck to you with your situation

My cousin left his wife when their son was 5. He felt like you, he'd had enough and she too was emotionally controlling and manipulative. He has done the right thing. They have an amicable relationship for the sake of their son, but just a word of warning she has used him leaving, and not fighting for their marriage, as an excuse for everything going wrong in her life and avoiding taking responsibility.

I am sure he wasn't perfect himself, but he left because she was having arguments with him about the child in front of the child, criticising him for not being a hands-on dad as soon as he walked through the door from work and sulking.

@DuchessOfDisaster thanks..yes I expect this too. Everytime she falls out with family or friends, it's always their fault. I've never once heard her apologise or try to reconcile a fall out.

And she always find issues to moan about my family. So I just know it's going to be like dropping a bomb

To put another slant on it - she doesn't sound happy either. If there's one thing recent events have shown is that everyone should make the best life for themselves that they can.
in the long run it may be best for her too.

You are with a controlling partner. You aren't happy. You dread the idea of marriage. You are no longer in love with her.

It's OK to say you want to separate. Noone should feel obliged to stay in a controlling relationshiop. Noone should stay with someone they don't love.

If you feel it's too close to Christmas to actually leave, can you privately set yourself a date, by which time you will have told her you are leaving / left? Is there someone you can confide in? Your parents perhaps? It will start to feel more real, and you may feel better just knowing you are doing something.

Could you start out by saying that you don't want to get married, and see what she makes of that? I am assuming that you have not said this directly.

Why does she want to get married now, do you think? Sticking plaster to cover up a gaping wound?

@Eviebeans yes I agree, life is too short

@ladydomino thanks for the advice. I've been setting myself dates, but as they get closer, I get more and anxious and the date passes. I could confide in my parents, but I feel embarrassed for not being strong enough to deal with this

@ravenmum I'd say since we had a big row earlier this year, she's now suddenly talking of a desperation to get married