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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hand hold, over with guy I was dating

56 replies

Alexandrasandra135 · 18/11/2021 16:45

I feel a bit pathetic, crying over someone I was only dating for about 7 weeks.

But I liked him, I really liked him and thought we had a great connection.

Why do things start out so promising?

Over the 2 weeks (since our last date) he has started to go quiet, not message me, takes hours to respond when it used to be within the hour. Hasn't made any plans with me. I thought we both had a really good time on our last date.

I sent him a message this morning saying that it felt like he wasn't interested anymore, and if so, I'd rather him just tell me upfront. I sent that at 9am, and he has been online on and off all day but hasn't replied.

I feel it is obvious he either won't reply, or will reply to confirm my fear. I just feel sad and disappointed. And also annoyed. Why can't people just tell you rather than doing the slow fade/ghosting!!

OP posts:

sandy354 · 18/11/2021 16:47

Because he's a spineless coward!

It says way more about him than it does about you. As hard as it is to see it now, it's better in the long run that you learn he's not the man you thought he was now, than months/years down the line

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 18/11/2021 16:55

Rejection is such a horrible feeling and trying hard to not beat myself with the "I am not good enough stick". I don't understand how I could feel a great chemistry and connection, but obviously not enough for him.

OP posts:

category12 · 18/11/2021 16:56

Oh block him.

Never mind, OP.

Salayes · 18/11/2021 16:57

That’s really disappointing, no wonder you feel hurt. I think people do the slow fade because they don’t want to confront things and have a difficult conversation. I guess at 7 weeks you are beginning to get into ‘is this a relationship’ territory and some people would rather fade out than make a decision. Also, leaving it ambiguous means the door could be open to come back at a later date so some people go ambiguous to try and keep their options open. I think it’s a crappy way to behave.

samesign · 18/11/2021 16:59

I feel your pain, I had the same thing happen a few months ago, dating for six weeks, he seemed genuine and very into me then completely went cold, I think a lot of guys just want a quick fling but can only keep the act up for a short time. It sucks! all you can do is keep your dignity, don't message again and don't put up with their meagre crumbs of affection if they come back.

sandy354 · 18/11/2021 17:08

@Alexandrasandra135

It may not necessarily be you OP! he may have felt all the chemistry and really liked you etc but may not be looking for a relationship.

If he felt it was heading in that direction he's maybe decided it's not for him

You're still better off without him but the rejection may not be as personal as it feels

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 18/11/2021 17:18

Thank you I wish I didn't feel so crappy. I wish he would just reply, even to reject me, as the silence just feels humiliating and disrespectful!!

OP posts:

category12 · 18/11/2021 17:19

Silence is an answer.

crimsonlake · 18/11/2021 17:23

Didn't you post about this earlier in the week, after lots of advice I thought you decided not to message?

samesign · 18/11/2021 17:28

Delete his number, it will get better and you'll barely think of him in a few months time.

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 18/11/2021 17:53

@category12

Silence is an answer.

This.

CouldThisReallyBe · 18/11/2021 17:56

It may have nothing to do with you OP, he may be pining over an ex / speaking to someone else that has his interest. Either way it's spineless of him not to just be up front with you so consider that you've dodged a bullet (it is only 7 weeks) and block him .

Sonaftersonafterson · 18/11/2021 17:57

ah this is shit. You just know, don't you? Now you're left feeling like an idiot hanging on for a reply.

Forget him. I've been here more than once. I chased one guy and made an arse of myself. The next one who faded was blocked without as much as a message from me asking why.
Dating is brutal. Take solace that this happens every day, it's not just you xx

Mermaidwaves · 18/11/2021 18:04

This seems to be the norm now, ghosting rather than being honest. I would assume it's over and don't let him come crawling back when he's bored as they often like to keep their options open, it does suck though OP it's a horrible feeling.

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 18/11/2021 18:11

Unfortunately we didn't meet online so it isn't as simple and easy as being able to block him! I met him through mutual friends so I am probably going to bump into him/see him at an event at some point in the future which just makes it awkward. And we are both in a group chat together.

I thought he would at least say something because we will see eachother again eventually!

OP posts:

FabulousMrFifty · 18/11/2021 18:15

OP I was ghosted by a woman earlier this year, and it’s pretty shit, feel your pain.

Have also noticed that “fade”, is given out as advice quite a lot on this site, when you ease away from someone.

Sparklfairy · 18/11/2021 18:17

@Alexandrasandra135

I thought he would at least say something because we will see eachother again eventually!

Thats even more shitty of him. The man has no class.

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 18/11/2021 18:25

Yeah, this feels really shit :(

OP posts:

Littlebee90 · 18/11/2021 21:38

Just block him, it doesn’t matter about the group chat or if you see him at events. He doesn’t get to just keep you dangling! As you say it’s humiliating. Humiliate him back by blocking him and not standing for it! Delete his phone number. You don’t want to be checking to see when he was last online, it’s bloody torture, knowing they are online and still ignoring you.
You haven’t done anything wrong and you deserve way better than this.
You don’t want someone who is flaky, a bad communicator and runs away when the going gets tough. He’s shown who he is.
Just be glad you weren’t as invested as you could have been.

Confidenceonfloor · 18/11/2021 21:46

I second the deleting number.Very similar thing happened me this week.I texted,he never replied.I gave him 24 hrs and deleted his number.Was miserable for a day but see now anyone who has those communication skills isn't someone datable.Onwards and upwards!

mcmooberry · 18/11/2021 21:49

Aw rejection is horrible especially after 7 weeks, you can't help taking it personally as you feel they actually DID get to know you "Not well enough!" as my lovely friend consoled me with once when it happened to me.
It's him, not you. Would agree just block so no temptation to contact him again.

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 19/11/2021 00:02

I've blocked and deleted now. I dont care if I have to bump into him again. I've not done anything wrong! Absolute bastard. Really isn't that hard to send a 1 sentence reply out of respect. So disappointing, but yes I have dodged a bullet and it is his loss and I would never treat him like that!

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 19/11/2021 10:22

@Alexandrasandra135

Thank you

I wish I didn't feel so crappy. I wish he would just reply, even to reject me, as the silence just feels humiliating and disrespectful!!

You reject him, then. Take charge, take responsibility for yourself, instead of being at the whim of his decision. He's been great and then turned crap, and yes, that's disrespectful, but all that means is that he has proven himself to be a disrespectful person. It says nothing about you in the slightest, except that you are in a better place than him to accept a healthy relationship into you life.

But make damned sure, either by a decision quietly to yourself, or by also sending him a message, that this is OVER. People with self respect like yourself don't sit around waiting for messages from disrespectful people. They walk away, and if they feel like telling the disrespectful person what's what, they go right ahead and do it.

Switch it round from 'He rejected me and I feel rubbish' to 'How dare he treat someone amazing like me so poorly? He couldn't have me back if he crawled on his knees!' There is every chance that he might contact you in the future, too, hoping you're still waiting and praying for him to come back to you and treat you right. No chance, right?

DuchessOfDisaster · 19/11/2021 10:45

@CouldThisReallyBe

When they do this, though, the other person rationalises that it IS to do with them, because they think they're not enough because if they were then the guy wouldn't be pining over an ex or speaking to someone else that has their interest.

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 19/11/2021 11:01

I feel a bit silly this morning. Did I overreact? Was I wrong to block him so quickly? When does it officially count that someone has ghosted you? Regardless, he was causing me stress and anxiety which I don't need. And if he did like me he would have responded to my message and reassured that of course we were on the same page etc... his silence surely just shows he wasnt into me! But I still feel like have I just been a drama queen?

OP posts:

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