Page 2 | Hand hold, over with guy I was dating

TheFoundations · 19/11/2021 11:04

But I still feel like have I just been a drama queen

Have you actually done anything?

samesign · 19/11/2021 11:46

No you haven't over reacted, you already knew he was fading you out over the last two weeks, it just seems final to you as you've blocked and it is because he had all day to respond to your 'are you still interested' message and he still didn't reply, he ghosted you.
You did the right thing rather than wondering if he ever will message again you've decided to close that chapter and move on.

His hard luck, he should of been quicker than to let you get away.

toobusytothink · 19/11/2021 12:14

Also if he really wants to he can get in touch as you said you have a mutual friend. You did the right thing

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 19/11/2021 16:02

@TheFoundations

But I still feel like have I just been a drama queen

Have you actually done anything?

I text him yesterday morning at 9am saying how I felt etc...that I really like him, that I felt maybe he wasn't as interested in me and I wanted to know where I stood... saw he had been online on and off throughout the day, but he hadn't replied.

I checked my phone at 11.30pm before going to bed,saw he was online again, still no reply.

So I message to say that it had hurt me that he hadn't replied, that I felt it was cruel to just ignore me and that I took his silence to mean he isn't interested so I will stop wasting my time, and then I blocked him.

OP posts:

DuchessOfDisaster · 19/11/2021 16:09

I really wish you hadn't sent that text. You could have called him out without telling him you really liked him, he had really hurt you, he was cruel ... he's going to be lapping it up.

TheFoundations · 19/11/2021 16:17

Telling him how you feel and then walking away isn't being a drama queen; it's self respect. You know the bit of you inside that feels entirely justified in doing what you've done? The bit of you that isn't questioning whether or not you've been an idiot? The one who has put her foot down and clearly said that enough is enough? That's the voice of your self esteem. Right now is a very good time to take a lesson from your emotional responses, because you will do this in other situations too: You will hear the voice of your self esteem, saying 'I don't like the way that person is treating me, it's not right, and it's not good for me. But... am I just being silly..?

Get the hang of the feeling, so that when it comes again, you'll be able to allow your self esteem to have its voice, and you'll know to quiet down the self doubt.

Thank him (to yourself, obviously) for offering this lesson to you. It's a valuable one. You never have to have the 'Perhaps I'm just being silly..?' feeling again, and can permanently have your self esteem set to 'high'.

Cowpad · 19/11/2021 16:26

I think,most men are emotionally very immature.they want someone new every few months,because a deeper connection is too much hard work for them.

Monalotmoore · 19/11/2021 16:35

@Cowpad

I think,most men are emotionally very immature.they want someone new every few months,because a deeper connection is too much hard work for them.

And you don't think such a sweeping statement says anything about yourself at all?

Isitreallyme177 · 19/11/2021 17:24

@Alexandrasandra135

I feel a bit pathetic, crying over someone I was only dating for about 7 weeks.

But I liked him, I really liked him and thought we had a great connection.

Why do things start out so promising?

Over the 2 weeks (since our last date) he has started to go quiet, not message me, takes hours to respond when it used to be within the hour. Hasn't made any plans with me. I thought we both had a really good time on our last date.

I sent him a message this morning saying that it felt like he wasn't interested anymore, and if so, I'd rather him just tell me upfront. I sent that at 9am, and he has been online on and off all day but hasn't replied.

I feel it is obvious he either won't reply, or will reply to confirm my fear. I just feel sad and disappointed. And also annoyed. Why can't people just tell you rather than doing the slow fade/ghosting!!

I had this, we weren't quite dating but we were spending a lot of time together over the past 6 months going out for coffee and the cinema and I thought feelings were developing on both sides, we had plans to go out, dinner,walks, he moved 10 minutes away and had been talking about seeing me more and joining me on my Sunday walks . We messaged every day or other day depending on his work. He went quiet on me this last month, and his messaging went from answering every day to taking days to message. He left me on read for 10 days, I left it as I'm not running after him, and he messaged yesterday chatting away about moving house and asking me about my work and about a job I applied for in between all that he drops in he has started a relationship with someone and they were going away for a week but he wanted to see me for coffee when he gets back. Not quite sure what his new girlfriend would think of that.

I sent him a message this morning saying I hope he has a nice relaxing break and to let me know when he gets back so we can go for this coffee but as my working from home days are all over the place I need plenty of notice. I had written a really emotional one but didn't send. I'm not letting him know how I feel over message, I'll do that to his face.

It's shit and they need to grow a backbone .
I cried yesterday and you shouldn't feel ashamed to cry

TheFoundations · 19/11/2021 17:28

@Cowpad

I think,most men are emotionally very immature.they want someone new every few months,because a deeper connection is too much hard work for them.

You've only had the misfortune to meet shallow men. That's a shame, but don't tar everyone with the same brush. There's a lot of men you haven't met.

RantyAunty · 19/11/2021 17:38

He's a coward.
Glad you told him off.

I'm for not putting all my eggs in one basket.

category12 · 19/11/2021 17:50

I sent him a message this morning saying I hope he has a nice relaxing break and to let me know when he gets back so we can go for this coffee but as my working from home days are all over the place I need plenty of notice.

Why on earth did you send that?

Isitreallyme177 · 19/11/2021 18:14

@category12 Because I was trying to pretend it didn't hurt.

category12 · 19/11/2021 18:25

I think I'd have just left him on read. Sorry you had that experience tho, what a prick.

Isitreallyme177 · 19/11/2021 18:50

@category12 thanks yesterday was a hard day. I don't get how someone could suggest doing all that and actually let me get tickets for the cinema and then cancel(they were free he didn't know that though) but then ignore me for 10 days because he's been ever so busy when he's obviously been seeing this woman.

HuntingoftheSnark · 19/11/2021 19:02

I had one of these last weekend too. I've seen him every weekend for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago he booked a hotel over where I live, dinner, talked about plans for Christmas, dropped me home the next morning. All fine.

Then the fading started and, because he'd been so keen previously and in fact keener than I was, I thought that maybe it was my fault and I hadn't been encouraging enough. Then I realised that it was most certainly not my fault. It took me longer than it should have done to realise that his messages were perfunctory, and only replies to mine, and delayed.

I sent a message on Tuesday to say I'd have appreciated more direct communication. Then archived his chat so I can't see it. I won't message him again.

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 19/11/2021 19:52

@TheFoundations

Telling him how you feel and then walking away isn't being a drama queen; it's self respect. You know the bit of you inside that feels entirely justified in doing what you've done? The bit of you that isn't questioning whether or not you've been an idiot? The one who has put her foot down and clearly said that enough is enough? That's the voice of your self esteem. Right now is a very good time to take a lesson from your emotional responses, because you will do this in other situations too: You will hear the voice of your self esteem, saying 'I don't like the way that person is treating me, it's not right, and it's not good for me. But... am I just being silly..?

Get the hang of the feeling, so that when it comes again, you'll be able to allow your self esteem to have its voice, and you'll know to quiet down the self doubt.

Thank him (to yourself, obviously) for offering this lesson to you. It's a valuable one. You never have to have the 'Perhaps I'm just being silly..?' feeling again, and can permanently have your self esteem set to 'high'.

Thank you so much

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexandrasandra135 · 19/11/2021 19:56

@HuntingoftheSnark

I had one of these last weekend too. I've seen him every weekend for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago he booked a hotel over where I live, dinner, talked about plans for Christmas, dropped me home the next morning. All fine.

Then the fading started and, because he'd been so keen previously and in fact keener than I was, I thought that maybe it was my fault and I hadn't been encouraging enough. Then I realised that it was most certainly not my fault. It took me longer than it should have done to realise that his messages were perfunctory, and only replies to mine, and delayed.

I sent a message on Tuesday to say I'd have appreciated more direct communication. Then archived his chat so I can't see it. I won't message him again.

I'm sorry you have been treated like this too. I really don't understand how someone can't just say a single sentence after spending that time together! Baffles me!

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Isitreallyme177 · 19/11/2021 20:10

@Alexandrasandra135 because it's easier to fade than actually be honest. Mine told me several times to my face he wasn't dating. He was excitedly telling me about all the stuff he was buying for his house, sent me the estate agent flyer, pictures of the bed. Up until 3rd November we were still messaging every other day and arranging to meet. Two weeks later he is swanning off on a holiday with his new girlfriend.

HuntingoftheSnark · 19/11/2021 20:10

@Alexandrasandra135 it baffles me too. Sorry, my post was very "me", and I posted before the part I meant to add, which is that you're not alone, it says everything about him and nothing about you and I'm sorry that you've gone through this too. The fading is a new one on me - I would definitely prefer a brief message to the effect of "it's not working for me" - you know where you are and can move on quickly. It's the dawning realisation that feels .... humiliating.

Hope that you are feeling a bit better.

AnaViaSalamanca · 19/11/2021 22:07

@TheFoundations

Telling him how you feel and then walking away isn't being a drama queen; it's self respect. You know the bit of you inside that feels entirely justified in doing what you've done? The bit of you that isn't questioning whether or not you've been an idiot? The one who has put her foot down and clearly said that enough is enough? That's the voice of your self esteem. Right now is a very good time to take a lesson from your emotional responses, because you will do this in other situations too: You will hear the voice of your self esteem, saying 'I don't like the way that person is treating me, it's not right, and it's not good for me. But... am I just being silly..?

Get the hang of the feeling, so that when it comes again, you'll be able to allow your self esteem to have its voice, and you'll know to quiet down the self doubt.

Thank him (to yourself, obviously) for offering this lesson to you. It's a valuable one. You never have to have the 'Perhaps I'm just being silly..?' feeling again, and can permanently have your self esteem set to 'high'.

I think this is very true. You have been authentic and assertive. It shouldn’t be a competition of who cares less. Not sure why women are always told to act cool/breezy and not show they have been upset by poor behavior in order to hold on to their dignity.

DuchessOfDisaster · 21/11/2021 15:50

[quote Isitreallyme177]@Alexandrasandra135 because it's easier to fade than actually be honest. Mine told me several times to my face he wasn't dating. He was excitedly telling me about all the stuff he was buying for his house, sent me the estate agent flyer, pictures of the bed. Up until 3rd November we were still messaging every other day and arranging to meet. Two weeks later he is swanning off on a holiday with his new girlfriend.[/quote]
Who the hell goes on holiday with someone they've known for two weeks? Both of them are bonkers.

DuchessOfDisaster · 21/11/2021 15:52

@AnaViaSalamanca Not sure why women are always told to act cool/breezy and not show they have been upset by poor behavior in order to hold on to their dignity.

I agree with calling the guy out and saying that their behaviour is unacceptable, but not with showing them that they've upset you. I wouldn't be upset with someone behaving like that, but I would be angry.

TopCatsTopHat · 21/11/2021 16:02

Great advice here especially from TheFoundations

Glitterb · 21/11/2021 16:41

Why shouldn’t you call him out? Hopefully he feels like an arse today for being a spineless coward. This type of behaviour is far too common these days especially with online dating. You can walk away with her head held high knowing that at least you tried.