I just don't get it..

[TypeR10]

Hiya, just after a bit of advice really.
Recently my OH has gone really cold towards me. The mention of getting close to me for cuddles or me trying to initiate sex he looks absolutely disgusted. He won't talk to me about things either. He's been rather snappy with me too. I mentioned about maybe going away for a weekend next year somewhere I've not been for ages said it would be nice to go with him he properly bit my head off saying I wish you stop planning my life for me.

But, hes only been like this with me. He is fine with everyone else.
Hes had some stresses with family being ill and I know he's missing his kids but why is he just being this towards me? I've only ever tried to help him with things tried to lessen the load for him.

He tells me he loves me but he's just stopped trying to show me kind of. Does he actually love me and want me around him or am I just convenient to share the housework and look after his kids on a weekend?

Hes playing with my head big time. Oh and he's been lying about talking to his ex. I know they talk because of the kids but why lie about it?

Help! I feel like I'm going mad!

That sounds really upsetting for you, sorry OP! It sounds like he’s withdrawing from the relationship a bit. Are there any underlying tensions?

It sounds like his feelings towards you have changed, sorry
He needs to be an adult and discuss it with you

I'm sorry to say it but I'd prepare yourself for a break-up now as it sounds like he's done with you.

My ex did this with me. He stopped having sex with me or being intimate in any way to begin with, always citing work stresses/fatigue as a reason. Then he couldn't even stand to hold my hand, actually recoiling from me in public once when I went to hold his hand in the supermarket, saying he felt it was "unnecessary" to advertise to the whole world that we were in a relationship (we'd been together over 3 years!!)

Then I noticed that post stopped arriving for him at home one day. I casually mentioned it and he waved it off as him having had a lot of his stuff moved to paperless billing to help save the environment. Fair enough, I thought.

He was constantly sulking, constantly in a strop. Whenever I asked what was wrong or if something had upset him, he ripped my head off and told me there was nothing wrong with him and that I'd imagined it.

Anyway, I came home from work one day unexpectedly early as my last appointment had cancelled only to find him halfway out the door with his bags packed.

Turned out the bastard had bought a house (yes, a house!) behind my back, had been slowly removing items from the house when I was at work such as bits and bobs from the shed/attic so that I wouldn't necessarily notice they were gone, he'd redirected his mail, and had been planning his exit for months, all the while gaslighting me into believing that I'd imagined all the glaringly obvious issues that kept presenting themselves.

I honestly think that if I hadn't come home when I did, he'd have just gone without a word. To this day, I have never had an explanation from him as to why he left. He just told me it "wasn't working" for him anymore. Fucking coward.

Brace yourself, OP. Things might get a bit rocky as it seems to me the warning signs are all there. Sending you hugs.

It really does look like he's on his way out of the 'relationship'.
I'd put money on him having plans to either leave or to tell you to leave very soon. (He might be waiting until Xmas is over so as to not 'rock the boat' for his kids over Xmas )

I'd be telling him it's over because of how he's behaving tbh.

What does your gut tell you ?

I'm so sorry Ozp it sounds like he's planning on leaving maybe going back to the ex wife. Its horrible when they don't even have the guts to tell you. Mt ex husband did this to me. Starting g avoiding me all the time then left with no notice.

If its your house tell him to leave. If its his , find somewhere to move to.
He sounds like he's using you I'm sorry to say.
Better to jump than be pushed.
Good luck 💐

Sorry but I agree with the others. He has checked out and he is hoping that you will end it so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy and can play the victim.

Sorry op.

I’m sorry op, that’s shit. I would say he is either having an affair…..for which he has to blame you (it couldn’t possibly be because he’s a selfish Twat) and that results in him treating you like shit. Or, he’s got one foot out of the door. Not a popular opinion here on MN but I’d be having a snoop through his phone/emails/ bank statements etc to see what’s what. It could be that he’s just under pressure at work etc, but I’d be wanting to check that in your situation. Good luck

Cold to you and talking to his ex.
I am jumping to conclusions here.

@Harlequin1088

I'm sorry to say it but I'd prepare yourself for a break-up now as it sounds like he's done with you.

My ex did this with me. He stopped having sex with me or being intimate in any way to begin with, always citing work stresses/fatigue as a reason. Then he couldn't even stand to hold my hand, actually recoiling from me in public once when I went to hold his hand in the supermarket, saying he felt it was "unnecessary" to advertise to the whole world that we were in a relationship (we'd been together over 3 years!!)

Then I noticed that post stopped arriving for him at home one day. I casually mentioned it and he waved it off as him having had a lot of his stuff moved to paperless billing to help save the environment. Fair enough, I thought.

He was constantly sulking, constantly in a strop. Whenever I asked what was wrong or if something had upset him, he ripped my head off and told me there was nothing wrong with him and that I'd imagined it.

Anyway, I came home from work one day unexpectedly early as my last appointment had cancelled only to find him halfway out the door with his bags packed.

Turned out the bastard had bought a house (yes, a house!) behind my back, had been slowly removing items from the house when I was at work such as bits and bobs from the shed/attic so that I wouldn't necessarily notice they were gone, he'd redirected his mail, and had been planning his exit for months, all the while gaslighting me into believing that I'd imagined all the glaringly obvious issues that kept presenting themselves.

I honestly think that if I hadn't come home when I did, he'd have just gone without a word. To this day, I have never had an explanation from him as to why he left. He just told me it "wasn't working" for him anymore. Fucking coward.

Brace yourself, OP. Things might get a bit rocky as it seems to me the warning signs are all there. Sending you hugs.

Holy crap. What a spineless arsehole.

I hope you're okay now?

He doesn't love you. What he's showing you is how he feels towards you and that really isn't love. If I were you I would end it first, without giving him the satisfaction of doing it.

Go away for a weekend. A weekend he will have to look after his own kids on his own.

Just say I arranged this and as I didn't want to organise your life I am going alone.

Stop being available see if he misses you.

@Harlequin1088

I'm sorry to say it but I'd prepare yourself for a break-up now as it sounds like he's done with you.

My ex did this with me. He stopped having sex with me or being intimate in any way to begin with, always citing work stresses/fatigue as a reason. Then he couldn't even stand to hold my hand, actually recoiling from me in public once when I went to hold his hand in the supermarket, saying he felt it was "unnecessary" to advertise to the whole world that we were in a relationship (we'd been together over 3 years!!)

Then I noticed that post stopped arriving for him at home one day. I casually mentioned it and he waved it off as him having had a lot of his stuff moved to paperless billing to help save the environment. Fair enough, I thought.

He was constantly sulking, constantly in a strop. Whenever I asked what was wrong or if something had upset him, he ripped my head off and told me there was nothing wrong with him and that I'd imagined it.

Anyway, I came home from work one day unexpectedly early as my last appointment had cancelled only to find him halfway out the door with his bags packed.

Turned out the bastard had bought a house (yes, a house!) behind my back, had been slowly removing items from the house when I was at work such as bits and bobs from the shed/attic so that I wouldn't necessarily notice they were gone, he'd redirected his mail, and had been planning his exit for months, all the while gaslighting me into believing that I'd imagined all the glaringly obvious issues that kept presenting themselves.

I honestly think that if I hadn't come home when I did, he'd have just gone without a word. To this day, I have never had an explanation from him as to why he left. He just told me it "wasn't working" for him anymore. Fucking coward.

Brace yourself, OP. Things might get a bit rocky as it seems to me the warning signs are all there. Sending you hugs.

Oh sweetheart, that's beyond cruel, and so calculated 😔 I hope you're in a good place now, that was heartbreaking to read.

See that's hat I initially went to, he's withdrawing from the relationship. But he will talk about the wedding with me and call me wifey. We're engaged. He's talking about how it'll be nice for us to have nye on our own. Wants me to book some days off to spend with him.
But then he can't look at me for too long without looking tearful.
I'm thinking he's got a lot on his plate at the moment but there's no need or real reason to be that cold with me unless it's actually me.

Do you own anything/ have any assets greater than his?

He starts getting a claim on any assets of yours from when you marry. I know of two women who had to pay off ex husband's (both abusive men incidentally), one managed to retain her home, the other did not (longer marriage) and is now in social housing after decades of being a home owner.

Oh and someone calling someone wifey before youre even married is a bit of a dickhead tbh.

His behaviour sounds extremely contradictory & mixed.

I wonder is he still involved with his ex or someone else.

But then he can't look at me for too long without looking tearful.

Something is going on with hi., I'd be checking anything of his you possibly can, cause he's not telling you.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm @Getbehindme Thank you for your kind words. I'm in a much better place now. I met the most wonderful man in the end and we're now expecting our first child together. If that spineless prick hadn't left me, I would never have met my current partner and I would never have known what true happiness felt like. He did me a favour by leaving, although I didn't realise it at the time.

The last I heard, he was still in the same job (that he hated) and going home to sit in his empty house alone every night. I hope he's happy with his choices 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TypeR10

See that's hat I initially went to, he's withdrawing from the relationship. But he will talk about the wedding with me and call me wifey. We're engaged. He's talking about how it'll be nice for us to have nye on our own. Wants me to book some days off to spend with him. But then he can't look at me for too long without looking tearful. I'm thinking he's got a lot on his plate at the moment but there's no need or real reason to be that cold with me unless it's actually me.

It sounds to me like his talk of weddings and plans for the future are more for his benefit than yours. Almost like he's trying to justify in his mind that things are ok and your relationship is fine. The problem is, that makes it doubly cruel for you if he does end it as it'll come as more of a shock when it's on the back wedding/future conversations.

Sorry to be so blunt but my first thought was that he’s cheated. Would possibly explain him acting out and it only being directed towards you? If he can lie about being in contact with his ex, he can lie about other things.

I’d ask him outright what’s going on with him.

Sorry OP but I also think this is guilty behaviour. I hope I'm wrong but either way something isn't right.

I would ask him what's going on and I wouldn't tolerate being blamed or gaslit.

If this was me I'd be shelving any plans to get married and telling him that I wouldn't consider marriage until he's prepared to have an adult conversation and talk about what's bothering him. Cite some examples of his behaviour that aren't acceptable.

I've asked him and he said he's just stressed with a few things and he's shattered. And when he's feeling like that he's just best left alone. He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me.
Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.

@TypeR10

I've asked him and he said he's just stressed with a few things and he's shattered. And when he's feeling like that he's just best left alone. He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me. Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.

Do you believe him? Sounds like a major cop out- why would he single you out to be this cold towards if this was the case? Why wouldn’t it be affecting his mood towards everyone in his life?

Why are you so willing to accept shitty behaviour?

• He’s lying to you about speaking to his ex.
• He’s singling you out and snapping at you. - He looks ‘disgusted’ when you try and show him any affection.
• He can’t look at you for very long without looking tearful.
• He ‘properly bit your head off’ when you suggested going away for a few days.

- He won’t talk to you about things anymore.

• He’s stopped showing you he loves you.

All of examples are only from two posts! They are not normal reactions of someone who is a bit stressed and tired, sorry.

@TypeR10 also, how long have you been together?

Just an idea but what you describe sounds familiar.

He's been unfaithful to you and feels guilty. It explains why he's snappy but at the same time still talking about your future plans, because he's still on the trajectory you had originally planned, but feels guilty. It explains why he has difficulty looking at you and why he's tearful; because he's feeling guilt.