Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't get it..

52 replies

TypeR10 · 18/11/2021 05:50

Hiya, just after a bit of advice really.
Recently my OH has gone really cold towards me. The mention of getting close to me for cuddles or me trying to initiate sex he looks absolutely disgusted. He won't talk to me about things either. He's been rather snappy with me too. I mentioned about maybe going away for a weekend next year somewhere I've not been for ages said it would be nice to go with him he properly bit my head off saying I wish you stop planning my life for me.

But, hes only been like this with me. He is fine with everyone else.
Hes had some stresses with family being ill and I know he's missing his kids but why is he just being this towards me? I've only ever tried to help him with things tried to lessen the load for him.

He tells me he loves me but he's just stopped trying to show me kind of. Does he actually love me and want me around him or am I just convenient to share the housework and look after his kids on a weekend?

Hes playing with my head big time. Oh and he's been lying about talking to his ex. I know they talk because of the kids but why lie about it?

Help! I feel like I'm going mad!

OP posts:
Peanut82 · 18/11/2021 15:25

@rampitup

Just an idea but what you describe sounds familiar.

He's been unfaithful to you and feels guilty. It explains why he's snappy but at the same time still talking about your future plans, because he's still on the trajectory you had originally planned, but feels guilty. It explains why he has difficulty looking at you and why he's tearful; because he's feeling guilt.

Sorry to say but I agree with this poster 100%
irene9 · 18/11/2021 15:26

"'I've only ever tried to help him with things tried to lessen the load for him"
Are you mothering him? Does he go around trying to lessen your load? Probably not. Because for some reason you have taken on the role that you are the nurturer and he's the 'thing' you have found to nurture.

And no, you don't have to get used to him going cold on you when he's struggling. A 3yr old will 'go cold' on their mother and sit in a huff with their arms crossed until Mummy comes pandering with ice cream to make baba love her again.
A grown man can't be allowed to do that. It's called 'emotional abuse' at that point.

Pinkbonbon · 18/11/2021 15:29

He's a massive gaslighting asshole. The question isn't has HE checked out. It's why haven't you?

Life is too short to stay with people who treat us like shit. Show him the door. He us not a nice human being. Heck, he isn't even a decent one.

girlmom21 · 18/11/2021 15:40

He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me.

Tell him there are problems, that he's creating, and words aren't enough.

Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.

No. He needs to learn to communicate and treat you with respect. Don't let this go on.

ChargingBuck · 18/11/2021 15:56

@TypeR10

I've asked him and he said he's just stressed with a few things and he's shattered. And when he's feeling like that he's just best left alone. He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me. Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.
Um ... why are you leaving it up to him to define whether the relationship is working or not?

Letting him bullshit you with his "there's no problem" when you know damn well there is?

Why is he only mean to you, specifically, but fine with everyone else?

What's going on with you that you think you must stay in a relationship with a man who arbitrarily decides he's going to be cold toward you when he has stuff going on, i.e. whenever he damn well feels like it?

Why do you still want to marry him?

donttouchmyhair · 18/11/2021 17:03

Sounds remarkably like my situation the last couple months (minus the kids). Cold, snappy, stopped touching me, even out right rejecting me, and couldn't even pretend to have any interest in my life or what I had to say. He finally ended it this weekend. Said he'd decided he was going to end it over a month ago but couldn't bring himself to do it until now. Sorry OP.

SunshineCake1 · 18/11/2021 17:30

@TypeR10

I've asked him and he said he's just stressed with a few things and he's shattered. And when he's feeling like that he's just best left alone. He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me. Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.
Well only if you want to spend the rest of your life, or until he leaves you, feeling like shit.

This is not a healthy relationship. I would take charge. I would finish it. Maybe have a serious talk first if you must but this man is not your future.

Maze76 · 18/11/2021 22:37

When you agree to marry, you agree to share your life with each other. This means not hiding problems or stresses, but communicating and finding solutions together. So no, you don’t have to expect this behaviour from him when he’s ‘stressed’- that’s ridiculous.
Also, sorry to say but the behaviour he’s displaying is that of a man withdrawing from the relationship. My husband signed us up for our second round of IVF literally a week before he ended our marriage.. so don’t believe his wedding talk is any indication of his feelings towards you- actions speak louder than words.

JustKittenAround · 19/11/2021 05:30

@donttouchmyhair

Sounds remarkably like my situation the last couple months (minus the kids). Cold, snappy, stopped touching me, even out right rejecting me, and couldn't even pretend to have any interest in my life or what I had to say. He finally ended it this weekend. Said he'd decided he was going to end it over a month ago but couldn't bring himself to do it until now. Sorry OP.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I just know how awful it can be and I wish you strength

JustKittenAround · 19/11/2021 05:34

OP sounds like he cheated and even if not he has the ick.

Best way to cure that is to saddle him with childcare and have your own weekend… after all, you’ve been under massive stress and eed to do so for your mental health.

I’ve been cheated on to an epic level and there’s no winning… but you’ll see how fast you’ll become attractive again once you limit their access to you.

Original poster
TypeR10 · 19/11/2021 05:42

Hes not cheated, he has virtually no sex drive. In fact, he thinks I would cheat because my sex drive is through the roof.
So when I suggest doing something on my own just to break away for a few hours, this is what his mind goes to.
We work and live together only time we aren't together is on the drive to and from work. Even then we're on the phone.
Hes 10 years older than me too. He keeps telling me I'm insecure but when your OH jokes about the relationship all the time who wouldn't be? He puts a lot of it there tbf

OP posts:
PinkFizz1 · 19/11/2021 08:44

Hes not cheated, he has virtually no sex drive. In fact, he thinks I would cheat because my sex drive is through the roof.
So when I suggest doing something on my own just to break away for a few hours, this is what his mind goes to.

@TypeR10 sorry OP, but the more you post about him, the more it does sound like he’s cheated.

KosherDill · 19/11/2021 09:17

This doesn't sound like a healthy or fulfilling relationship. I hope you rethink the wedding.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2021 14:07

@TypeR10

I've asked him and he said he's just stressed with a few things and he's shattered. And when he's feeling like that he's just best left alone. He said there's no problems with us at all and he loves me. Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.
Why will you?

Why is it all on his terms?

Dery · 19/11/2021 14:34

“This doesn't sound like a healthy or fulfilling relationship. I hope you rethink the wedding.”

This.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/11/2021 18:57

MN can be quick to jump to the ‘cheating’ explanation, but in this case I agree. My husband was perfectly normal until about three weeks before I discovered his affair. It had all gone on during ‘long lunches’ or early evening ‘drinks after work’ so I suspected nothing. He then arranged a drinking night away one weekend with guys he used to work with. This was bullshit, it was a night away with his AP. He was really weird about bringing up the ‘drinking weekend’ and very stressy, distant from the time he booked it to the event. When I asked him what was wrong it was ‘work’ ‘stressed’ ‘long commute’ etc etc. Checking out of the relationship, suddenly seeming distant, reluctant to talk for long about what is wrong is not good, OP. It’s precisely what made me suspicious and led to my realising what was going on. Don’t assume that because he isn’t having sex with you he isn’t having any. In my case our sex life was ok but it’s perfectly possible for ‘a low sex drive’ to be something else, either because he’s having sex elsewhere/ or using porn.
To say nothing is going on when it’s clear there is something up is another big red flag to me. Sorry OP. My husband was the last person in the world you’d think would have an affair. It was just unbelievable.

Itstimetoquit · 19/11/2021 19:39

Sounds like a guilty conscious x

Wherearemymarbles · 19/11/2021 20:16

he wants to end it, doesn't fancy you or whatever but he basically wants you to end it for him

Dont hang on waiting for things to improve

belle40 · 19/11/2021 20:20

Sorry OP. I had this...we had a child together, we were moving into his house, picked out curtains, furniture together...he wanted us to have another baby. But, couldn't spend much time together...'work stresses' made him snappy and tired. Turned out he was in another relationship, she was living in his house. His increasing disinterest was a strategy to make me end it. Everytime I came close he would gush about his love for us etc. It all came out 10 months into his affair. I guess he was too cowardly to end it. Couldn't be the 'bad guy'. I'm sorry but I would end it, he is already half way out the door.

Original poster
TypeR10 · 20/11/2021 07:20

We're literally together all the time. He isn't cheating. He's changed again the last couple of days he's looked a lot lighter been hugging me and kissing me telling me he loves me. It could be he's generally feeling better it be be abuse his kids are here this weekend or it could be he's noticed I've backed off. It doesn't feel fake.
He's gone like this before when he's had stuff going off. He doesn't want to talk about stuff that's bothering him he never has. He just shuts down and goes into himself. He says he never wants to lose me, just when things get on top of him he likes to be left alone so I say are you void of all loving stuff then just because you're feeling low. No, hes just got a lot on his plate at the moment, he will get over it.

OP posts:
PinkFizz1 · 20/11/2021 09:39

@TypeR10 to quote your thread title, ‘I just don’t get it’.

You posted on here asking for advice, you’ve got 2 pages of comments and some from posters that have been through exactly this, some from posters that are questioning why you put up with this behaviour whether he’s cheating or not, and all you’re doing is constantly defending him and his behaviour. I’m out. Good luck for the next time it happens.

updownroundandround · 20/11/2021 09:59

@TypeR10

I can't help but notice that you're going out of your way to defend his selfish and destructive behavior Hmm

And you comment that ''Suppose I'll just have to get used to him being cold towards me when he's got stuff going on.'' is truly revealing.........

You have effectively given him 100% power to

  1. Decide if and when he will be 'nice' to you Sad
  2. Decide if and when he will be 'physical' with you Sad
  3. Decide if your 'relationship' will continue or not Sad
  4. Decide to withhold any and all information regardless of whether it is relevant to you or not Sad
  5. Never be held to account when he lies to you Sad
  6. Publicly humiliate you by rejecting and actually recoiling simple physical touch i.e holding hands. Sad
  7. Gaslight you every time you bring up the subject of 'something' being 'wrong' in the relationship ! You are 100% aware that something is very wrong, but instead you choose to believe HIS version of the truth instead of your own !! Sad
  8. Force you to continually pander to him and his 'stress' or his 'needs', for fear of him withdrawing his 'affection', 'communication' and 'love' Sad

He is effectively training you to never have 'needs' of your own, because his MUST be your 'priority' !!

And all the 'future' faking in the world ain't enough to put up with that shit! ( Sad Sigh)

But, you can lead a horse to water and all that jazz.......................

We'll still be here, a few wasted years down the line, when it dawns on you that we've told you the truth, but you simply couldn't see it...........Flowers

honeylulu · 20/11/2021 12:46

Everything @updownroundandround said.

AND I reckon he's doing a cost benefit analysis of what the relationship gains him. He doesn't fancy you any more but it suits him to share the bills and chores. The really striking thing is that he suddenly makes an effort to keep you sweet when his kids are coming for the weekend and need looking after Quelle Surprise!

Aishah231 · 20/11/2021 13:01

Whose house is it? Do you own it together. How much would he lose if you split up? I'd be trying to work out if he's staying because it's convenient or not.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 20/11/2021 13:13

The least I would be doing in your situation would be to postpone any wedding. I'd seek couples counselling before even considering moving forward.

I couldn't personally put up with his behaviour, I'm nobody's kicking boy.