Anyone stayed in a marriage due to kids?

[faithfulbird20]

For how long?

Yes, for 4 years. I found every excuse not to leave as it would be difficult with kids. One day I realised that it wasn't worth it to the kids to stay. Help with childcare, missing their dad, none of it mattered I'm the end, it was all resolvable.

5 years.

It was OK but not worth it. 7 years after splitting we have both wondered why we left it so long.
The kids were fine when we split it would in hindsight probably have been even easier had we Done it when they were younger.

No. I didn't and I'm sure it would have been a very bad idea. My child would have noticed things were wrong and he would have ended up living with two very unhappy parents

22 years. Kids don’t need their parents to stay together. Leave. They’ll be much happier if their parents are separated but happy.

(Spoken from experience - I should have left long before).

I know someone whose parents split up just after she left home. She feels they lived a completely farce for her and she's quite sad about it

Four years and counting…

15 years, having grown up in and out of Foster homes I just wouldn't walk away when many would have.

Yes for almost 5 years. Had planned on leaving it longer but there was a straw that broke the camels back situation and I just blurted out that it was over. It was worth staying though. I had manoeuvred myself into a much more favourable position logistically and financially. I also would have HATED handing my DC over for contact when they were any younger as he was utterly shit with them when they were tiny and I was sick at the mere thought never mind the reality. It would have been very unsettling for them.

Delaying separation also meant that (while not impossible) he was unlikely to go on to have other DC with someone else as he had passed his self-imposed cut off for having children. I really didn't want my DC to have to deal with half siblings/step siblings and all that messy stuff.

I have no regrets waiting, it was a smart move in my circumstances. Leaving when I first actually wanted to would have left me in a fairly desperate situation. It was hard to bite my tongue for so long but it was the wisest decision I made in that while marriage. However there was no abuse or hostility in the home. In those circumstances leaving is always best.

I'm living it now, the children know he wanted to divorce but has decided to stay for them: one in particular has serious anxiety issues needing to be with me, and it would KILL them to spend time away from me. They can't even cope with their Dad putting them to bed in the same house.

Both children asked us to stay together as two parents is better than one, and I suppose it helps that we don't fight dirty, as in, shouting and door slamming, threats or violence in any way.

20 years. Things were different in those days.

My Mum did
It was bloody awful and damaged me and my brother

My mum.

Don't be my mum.

my DM did or 21 years, i wish she hadn't. it messed up both me and my sister for life.

Yes for about 6 years. I tried every possible way for us to stay together; I tried talking to him, tried to make more of an effort, spent time with the kids away from him at the weekends, any option but splitting up. I realised when I took the kids off for the day I was happier, more relaxed, a better version of me. My MH was slowly deteriorating due to emotional abuse & I reached a point where it was getting seriously bad & I knew I had to get out, to survive & be a good mum or I don't know where I would have ended up. I regret staying for so long now. I am damaged from staying living with a man who had no respect for me, no affection & was a negative influence in all our lives. I struggle with my new relationship with a totally different man & have so many triggers all the time. I believe staying damages someone in the family, the kids or you. My kids are so much happier now

My mum for over 20 years. 30+ years later I still carry resentment that she stayed. 4 children badly damaged

My mum too. She died in her 50s so never did. It makes for a shit home, made us DC v anxious and I still feel guilty she stayed for us.

My mum stayed unhappily for 25 years. I had a shit childhood due to alcoholism and mental and emotional abuse from my father.

But, she actually ended up with another alcoholic and her boundaries were shocking. I'm glad she stayed with my Dad in the end, it was the lesser of 2 evils.

My situation now- I have been in for 3 years. I am however going to leave him within the next 6 months because I'm stronger than my mum was and I've spent a lot of time reparenting myself so that I don't make the same mistakes.

Yes and it was the biggest mistake I made, it did no-one any favours. I stayed for 10 years until they were both adult.

Interesting comments. It appears staying for the sake of the children never ends well. There are parents who believe their dc will not be able to pick up on the lack of love, hostility, resentment. There are parents who believe as long as there are no arguements the children will be none the wiser. Body language speaks volumes.

For years I felt leaving would damage my dc as they only knew of my stbxh and I as being together. We were a close family and they felt loved. I wondered how we would show that same love without being in one unit.

However I am coming to realise that children will adapt, they will embrace the changes. I realised children need to feel loved, listened to and prioritised. This can be done as a part of a couple and separately.

Some interesting views, I've stayed for ten years so far. It is selfish reasons if I'm honest - if we split, I'd be the NRP and couldn't afford two properties so would effectively be an absent parent - best I could do here would be a shared house/bedsit. So the choice is either be a parent or make my partner a single parent. Not easy to make that decision.

Of course the downside is living a lie with DW. Shit situation either way really, and sticking with the marriage is the lesser of all evils.

@Keepithidden I feel like I'm in a similar boat. I'm not sure. There's love there from my side, not hatred but anger and I feel used sometimes.

@MimosaFields

I know someone whose parents split up just after she left home. She feels they lived a completely farce for her and she's quite sad about it

This! My friends parents split up just after their oldest dc turned 18. It really messed her up, as she questions everything about her seemingly 'happy' childhood. She doesn't thank them at all for staying together unhappily for so long.

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the children when they're really staying for convenience.

It's not fair to pin that on the kids.

Drsbait
I agree with you. There are likely to be several reasons for staying. Leaving will change your life drastically; reduced finances, less time with dc, uncertainty of the future. It makes sense that much thought needs to be given before one takes this step.

I posted at a time I was pondering whether to leave my stbxh and one poster had a field day at my expense. She commented I was pathetic for not leaving, I was staying for my own selfish reasons and choosing to pretend it was for the sake of my dc. Whilst she may have spoken some element of truth her harsh words were unnecessary.

'I think a lot of people say they're staying for the children when they're really staying for convenience.'

Absolutely. 'For the kids' is only part of the story, you're also staying for yourself. My parents stayed in a miserable marriage, in fact they're still in it. It messed us 3 kids up badly. Horrible atmosphere, silences, resentment, my dad playing happy families in front of us as if we were completely stupid. A huge part of their decision to stay together was about keeping up appearances and the 'respectability' of being married. Kids learn some extremely unhealthy lessons from all that