Anyone stayed in a marriage due to kids?

[faithfulbird20]

For how long?

So you know when you might change it FMsucks? How old do the kids need to be.

Probably 10 years from where I realised I was really unhappy and had made a bad decision in getting married.

With hindsight, should have separated then.

Hi No I don't know how long for. We had originally said when the youngest reaches 18 but then if they go to college etc, who knows! Everything is good now and no changes are required. Children are 11 and 13.

If it's one thing I've learned over the years is not to make concrete plans for anything as life will throw you a curveball!!

Either of us may meet someone (not looking atm) and will want to move on. We will deal with that if and when it happens but I'm not going to worry about it and just enjoy where I'm at now as it's a hell of a lot better than when we were married.

Those who continue living together, but apart, do you tell people? I just can't imagine having to have this conversation over and over with people as they would obviously assume that we are together.

I would imagine hundreds of thousands of people do. I know lots of couples that no longer have sex and some that don’t share a bedroom. It’s a similar concept I think.

FMsucks
Own bedroom and bathroom is a massive step up from what I would have. This certainly makes life easier as you have somewhere to escape and unwind. The no escapism impacted upon my mental heaith.

KIYW
I am sure many couples have this arrangement. Some may not even feel the need to inform others, particularly if they get along well.

My PIL have stayed together despite a severely dysfunctional relationship.

Huge amounts of bitterness and resentment, which they are sure they hide from everybody (they do not).

DW and her brother have been hugely affected, although BIL left home at 16, leaving DW as an only child for 10 years. She carries so much guilt for being the reason they were/are both so unhappy.

The OP that mentioned "staying for the children" being an acceptable excuse for inertia/fear of change - that's a very interesting point.

PIL have very traditional split responsibilities in the house, and I'm sure it the thought of being responsible for all aspects of a household on their own is terrifying for them. Maybe terrifying enough not to want to consider splitting.

I think it depends on the circumstances. I have two friends who upon splitting have 'lost' a child as they refuse to see them. Teenagers go through a difficult time as it is and may struggle to cope with a split, especially if they are used as pawns.

I couldn't have trusted my ex to look after the kids whilst they were young so could only split once they were fairly independent. My kids are happier now as the atmosphere is much better.

It depends on your circumstances. The increase in unmarried mothers have I'm sure trapped many women in unhappy or abusive relationships.

My mother stayed married to my father too long (7/8 years old when they separated). It would have been better for them to separate much earlier. However not long after she then got together with a man who was different but no better - he was just awful to live with and my childhood was miserable. My father was her second marriage and older my half sisters lived through a similar situation. She just couldn't be single!
So staying together for the sake of the children doesn't seem to work well- separating doesn't seem to be too tough on children however new partners seem to be more of an issue. Mumsnet seems to be full of issues to be related to 'blended families' or new partners. Don't go there!

My MIL stayed with her husband until he died. Unfortunately I think it has given my husband the impression that certain behaviour is acceptable as his dad 'got away with it.' I have been planning to leave since the beginning of the year but had to logistically and financially set myself and my child up first. We're getting there.

I think it really depends on the situation. Some people stay because it would be more of a nightmare to go through divorce with children. I know of countless stories of women fuming about what the exes are doing to make their life misery Not letting the kids travel or moving away. Financial revenge and it all depends on how much of a red of family and friends you have around. It is not always the best decision but in some cases it must not be delayed. If there is abuse of any kind it must end ASAP.