Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone stayed in a marriage due to kids?

61 replies

faithfulbird20 · 16/11/2021 23:36

For how long?

OP posts:
Henno67 · 20/11/2021 08:28

I think it’s easy to say “I wish my mum had left” when you have no experience of what can happen if they did. Mine did and ended up with a string of totally unsuitable men, some of whom were physically violent to her. I had to watch/listen/see the after effects of some of that. I went from living in a nice 3 bed semi in a nice area to living in flats in horrible parts of town as she couldn’t provide any more than that. I ended up going to live with my dad as she was a complete basket case after she left. She craved excitement but it came with a huge personal cost to her and me and my sibling. I wish she had stayed. Sometimes stability is what a child wants and needs, not a daily rollercoaster and whether their parents are still in love is not that important.

I would only advocate leaving if you are financially secure enough to provide the same lifestyle for your children, ideally in your existing home and are emotionally mature enough not to go from married to dating sites in the blink of an eye.

I left my DH but not until I had enough money, earnings power and stability in my life to do so. That was 3 years ago and I haven’t dated since. I can do without romantic love if it

Henno67 · 20/11/2021 08:31

Sorry pressed to soon….

If it means my kids will be stable and happy. I may date again in the future but not until they are independent.

Henno67 · 20/11/2021 08:33

And I left my DH due to him being verbally and mentally abusive to me.

DrSbaitso · 20/11/2021 08:33

@Lovinglife45 and @Lottapianos, yes. I was putting it very shortly with the word "convenience", which encompasses a lot of things, and of course any massive life change will take a lot of thought. But yes, while "convenience" is a very quick way to put it, I do think that a lot of people say it's for the kids when it's not.

Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2021 08:33

While I agree with a lot of what you have said Hen in many cases staying in a marriage doesn’t provide the dc with stability
It means they live with 2 people who quite obviously hate eachother and in my case with an emotionally abusive man with severe MH issues who was completely unpredictable
I know love isn’t everything but I think very few women leave a marriage just because it’s not all hearts and roses any more

Yulehog · 20/11/2021 08:35

@Henno67 I'm 100% with you here.
Leaving is only the better outcome if adults can do so healthily. My mum wouldn't have done so healthily, evident when she did leave him shortly after I left home.

I'm so sorry you lost all your stability. This is what would have happened to me too and she would also have ended up in a string of stupid relationships. My mum would also have up-rooted us to God knows where for any man.

I was exposed to mental and emotional abuse from my father but I was surrounded by stability in othet ways- my family and friends were all close by. We lived in the countryside and as my parents just wanted me out of the way; I have wonderful experiences of climbing trees, camping out, sledging down huge fields etc.

I never quite felt like I fitted in mind and I was always embarrassed of my family. I spent my whole childhood wishing they would divorce and when they did and I saw what she settled for next, I was glad she stayed.

Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2021 08:35

[quote DrSbaitso]**@Lovinglife45* and @Lottapianos*, yes. I was putting it very shortly with the word "convenience", which encompasses a lot of things, and of course any massive life change will take a lot of thought. But yes, while "convenience" is a very quick way to put it, I do think that a lot of people say it's for the kids when it's not.[/quote]
I agree with this point too.
My Mum always claimed it was “for the kids” which meant I felt responsibility for it but I suspect my Mums reasons for staying were much more complex

2Hot2Handle · 20/11/2021 08:43

My parents split when My sibling and I were in our 20’s and had moved out. I’m glad that my parents were together during our childhoods. Looking back, I can see that my DM was doing most of the work in the marriage and with parenting and I’m so grateful to her that she did.
Having said all of this, my parents have good lives separately, are both financially secure and had an amicable split (again down to my DM really, as my DF cheated).
If there is any kind of abuse in the household, or the ability to get along day to day, then I think parting ways is the best option for everyone. If you can live amicably with your DP and co-parent well, even if the relationship has turned more into “housemates”, then I think it’s worth staying for the children, at least until both parties can live a good life independently.
My DH’s ex was in and out of relationships, moved a lot and changed jobs a lot while my DSS and DSD were growing up. That affected them a lot too.

Deafdonkey · 20/11/2021 08:44

@Lovinglife45

Drsbait I agree with you. There are likely to be several reasons for staying. Leaving will change your life drastically; reduced finances, less time with dc, uncertainty of the future. It makes sense that much thought needs to be given before one takes this step.

I posted at a time I was pondering whether to leave my stbxh and one poster had a field day at my expense. She commented I was pathetic for not leaving, I was staying for my own selfish reasons and choosing to pretend it was for the sake of my dc. Whilst she may have spoken some element of truth her harsh words were unnecessary.

My friends think I am pathetic, but sometimes the reasons for staying outweigh the reasons for leaving. I am terribly unhappy, however I will leave with nothing, I won't be able to afford to rent where we live so the children will have to move schools where they are doing well (senior) there will be no money for their activities, clothes anything really.

I will leave when the children are more independent, because it doesn't matter to me if I end up in a hostel or bedsit with nothing. However I will not put my children through that. There is no violence and no arguments, it is far from ideal but I honestly believe the alternative would be worse for them.

Deafdonkey · 20/11/2021 08:46

@Henno67

I think it’s easy to say “I wish my mum had left” when you have no experience of what can happen if they did. Mine did and ended up with a string of totally unsuitable men, some of whom were physically violent to her. I had to watch/listen/see the after effects of some of that. I went from living in a nice 3 bed semi in a nice area to living in flats in horrible parts of town as she couldn’t provide any more than that. I ended up going to live with my dad as she was a complete basket case after she left. She craved excitement but it came with a huge personal cost to her and me and my sibling. I wish she had stayed. Sometimes stability is what a child wants and needs, not a daily rollercoaster and whether their parents are still in love is not that important.

I would only advocate leaving if you are financially secure enough to provide the same lifestyle for your children, ideally in your existing home and are emotionally mature enough not to go from married to dating sites in the blink of an eye.

I left my DH but not until I had enough money, earnings power and stability in my life to do so. That was 3 years ago and I haven’t dated since. I can do without romantic love if it

Thank you for sharing this.
SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/11/2021 08:55

You cannot hide a bad relationship from your children, no matter what you think, they aren’t stupid, they pick up on it.

ButterflyBlue13 · 20/11/2021 09:44

My father stayed with my mother for a few years, he then gave her everything and took us with him. She was awful. We went from a huge 7 bed home to a 4 bed. Baring in mind, there was 13 of us. My father had a business and did all the parenting (no idea how!) It did damage us watching that though. All of my siblings went on to have dysfunctional relationships or abusive ones and kept going back for the kids. I luckily escaped that. We where so much happier when we left! My father apologised to us later on stating that if he knew now what he knew then, he'd have left with us straight away.

Mantlemoose · 20/11/2021 23:21

Also wanted to say that my DM left with 3 kids, one stayed with DF (her choice). We ended up in a council flat, we had no carpets for about 2 years and DM and I shared a single bed for about the same time. It was, without a doubt the best my life had ever been. We had absolutely no money and we all had to change schools (1xprimary, 2xhigh). It mattered not, we were free.

TherapyClient · 21/11/2021 13:24

This is such difficult reading. The majority of voices saying they wished parents had divorced sooner... what if they meant 50:50 custody and you spent half your childhood unprotected with a really damaging parent?

This is my situation, and if I am not there to intercede for my children, I cannot bear how vulnerable they'd be. I am always swooping I to save their bacon and I could not cope if they were in the lions den without me.

If only the children could choose what happens to them! They'd choose to live with me and I'd leave in an instant.

DrSbaitso · 21/11/2021 16:58

@TherapyClient

This is such difficult reading. The majority of voices saying they wished parents had divorced sooner... what if they meant 50:50 custody and you spent half your childhood unprotected with a really damaging parent?

This is my situation, and if I am not there to intercede for my children, I cannot bear how vulnerable they'd be. I am always swooping I to save their bacon and I could not cope if they were in the lions den without me.

If only the children could choose what happens to them! They'd choose to live with me and I'd leave in an instant.

How old do they need to be to be able to choose?
TherapyClient · 21/11/2021 17:15

I have no idea and would LOVE to know. I suspect it will be many years from now, sadly. Ironically it's when they're younger they need more consideration if they don't feel safe: they have less tools to protect themselves with.

DrSbaitso · 21/11/2021 17:47

It's surely worth contacting a solicitor to find out.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 21/11/2021 17:53

I'm sure my parents remain together out of habit rather than love. 48 years. JFC.

As for me...I'll not reveal anything as it's too outing.

fedup2017 · 21/11/2021 18:00

To give a slightly different perspective..... 8 years ago when i was pregnant with my youngest child DH had an affair for 6m with someone who i knew well. At the time when we found out i "stayed together for the children". Previously i would 100 % said we would split uf he was cheating. But ( as a child of divorced parents) i couldnt bear the thought of spliting Christmas and upsetting our childrens lives. 8 years later weve had therapy together and seperately and we're happier than ever and i dont regret forgiving him and staying.

I wouldnt suggest staying for the children if there is abuse or the atmosphere at home is awful, but (personally) im glad we put the work in and worked it out.

TitoMojito · 21/11/2021 18:02

I was a child with parents who stayed together for my benefit and I am begging you not to. It was not a benefit. It just made everything so much worse.

FMSucks · 21/11/2021 18:33

I am separated from my ex for nearly 4 years now but we still live together. I could not pretend anymore that we had a happy marriage and my eldest was starting to notice and question why his parents didn’t act lovingly towards each other.

So I pulled the plug. I could not do it anymore and I did not want my children thinking this was what marriage looked like.

We did not want our children to have to move, change schools etc (we live in an affluent area and would not be able to afford two separate places). So we knuckled down and managed to carve out a fairly decent relationship with each other. We coparent very well.

There has never been anything between us since, we sleep in separate rooms and our children know that their parents are not together.

Everyone is doing well and happy. We both get to be with our children all the time and see them grow up. I’m not saying it’s been easy, it was very tough the first couple of years until we found our groove. We’re very upfront with people about being separated, we don’t pretend, we respect each other and have firm boundaries.

Neither of us are interested in meeting anyone else, I may be slightly more open to it but my family will always come first.

It certainly wouldn’t be for everyone but I was so depressed and unhappy pretending to be happily married. Now I’m not living a lie and everyone is aware of where we’re at and what our priorities are.

I’m sure things will change and evolve in time but for the moment we are all very content in our situation and while some people may think we’re mad, I’m actually very proud of us.

Just wanted to show another perspective OP

Fairycake2 · 21/11/2021 22:16

My parents stayed together over 10 years longer than they should have. As a result I have very few happy childhood memories and am totally shit at relationships and marriage myself!

Lovinglife45 · 21/11/2021 23:11

FMsucks
Thank you for sharing.
Do you live in a large house?
I considered living together and separating but it would not work as we have no spare bedroom and only one family bathroom. I could not sleep in the lounge indefinitely with no personal space of my own.

A family friend and his wife separated and lived together for years afterwards. They had three reception rooms, he used one as a bedroom and added an en suite.

GentlemanJayFab · 21/11/2021 23:25

Yes about seven years.

FMSucks · 22/11/2021 08:53

@Lovinglife45 - House isn't huge but we all have our own bedrooms and I have my own en-suite. We watch movies etc together and don't mind being in each other's company. I know of other couples who live together still but they wouldn't be in the same room as each other in the house at any one time. Not sure how that would work.

Obviously it's not forever but it works for us while our children are still fairly young.