Found out my husband cheated after testing positive with STI

[Lexi2021]

I have been with my husband for 18 years married for 11 years. I have been having problems with what I thought was reoccurring UTI and thrush and in June this year had coil fitted. It caused many problems and when getting it removed last week clinician asked if she could test me for herpes, I thought it would come back negative but unfortunately not 😔.
When confronted husband he tried to lie at first but then confessed to kissing someone (as he thought you could get it through that) but when I explained that it was not the case confessed to sleeping with someone on stag do 6 years ago 😭.
He is remorseful, upset and gutted but I would of never known if this had not been discovered.
I am now living with lifelong condition and my trust completed destroyed.
We had 2 children at the time (3 now). I am devastated for them and currently don't feel I will be able to forgive him. I am questioning everything and my gut is telling me this isn't the first time. He has refused to take lie detector test (which I know if extreme but can't get passed it).
He is in bits and telling me he can't leave without me and kids... I always thought I would leave him straight away and have always said that if he cheated but the few people I have told have said that I need to think of the bigger picture.
Any advice? X

If he gets cold sores then he could have passed it during oral sex. It could be nothing to do with anything he has done in the past although it is really shitty that he cheated on you.

Think of how he saw you being unwell and neglected to tell you anything even then. My advice is to divorce him

What's the point of a lie detector test if he has already admitted it? They are not particularly reliable, by the way.

If it was really a one off six years ago many couples would try to work through it, especially with kids in the picture.

Herpes can also lie dormant for years. Have you had other sexual partners?

I think you need to take time and think about what is right for you.

It can take time for a betrayal to sink in and for a person to get to a point whether they decide they can live with it or get past it.

Take as much time as you need and decide what is right for you. Put yourself and your children first.

@dementedpixie

Herpes can also lie dormant for years. Have you had other sexual partners?

Why does that matter? He's confessed to sleeping with someone else already. Should the OP forgive him if the source of the STI wasn't from his cheating?

He doesn't suffer with cold sores so I know it is through sexual contact and he has admitted to that. My problems started about 5 years ago so does match up with when he said he had one night stand.
I wanted lie detector test as I feel he is not being truthful and told me that it was a one off as its probably not as bad as having an affair or multiple partners.
I've not had any sexual partners for over 18 years so I know its come from being u faithful.

I just don't know what to do 😔

Just thought I'd add something in here for you. I was given herpes by an ex, I live a normal life and have a normal sex life. Nothing has really changed for me. I'm just alot more careful now. I know it's daunting thinking about the future when you get diagnosed, but it's the stigma surrounding it that's the problem. But please don't let it get you down.

As for your husband, I'd walk away. I left my ex afterwards as I just couldn't look at him the same way again.

Herpes can lye dormant for years and then appear when you are at a low eb

Not only has he lied about, but he’s watched you go through testing for UTIs when he knew there was a possibility it was something else.

@Ivyruin

Just thought I'd add something in here for you. I was given herpes by an ex, I live a normal life and have a normal sex life. Nothing has really changed for me. I'm just alot more careful now. I know it's daunting thinking about the future when you get diagnosed, but it's the stigma surrounding it that's the problem. But please don't let it get you down.

As for your husband, I'd walk away. I left my ex afterwards as I just couldn't look at him the same way again.

Thank you that is really helpful to know. I was due to see sexual health GP today to explain it to me more and how best to manage but tested positive for covid yesterday so can't go. She did phone and rebook.

X

And he also let you go through your 3rd pregnancy knowing he could have infected you with something? Herpes can be very dangerous in a vaginal birth.

He's a complete piece of shit.

Lie detector tests are not accurate unfortunately, which is why they are not used in court in UK. So sorry OP

I was diagnosed about a year ago and at first I was terrified. But after reading up about it and joining an online forum, I came to grips with it. I don't really get any issues, only when I'm really sick. That may be why yours has come out now! You can take medication to help if it does flare up but honestly, read up as much as you can and wrap your head around it. You'll be ok. Don't sit and worry yourself. I hope you're OK!

I'm so sorry OP, but you do need to leave him. You know seep deep down that he is minimising. He's a grade A wankfest.

What a disgusting coward. He’s still lying. Firstly he told you it was kissing only. He’s only telling you the bare minimum. Funny how now you’ve found out suddenly he can’t live without you. He’s a liar and a cheat and I bet he’s done more than he’s telling. He’d be very unlucky to catch it during a one night stand. My betting is that he’s had an affair. I don’t know how you get the truth out of him though. If he’s refusing a lie detector test then you have your answer. Tell him it’s a lie detector or a divorce. Although I still wouldn’t be able to look at him after what he’s done. It’s pretty unforgivable

I would be furious that he risked my health and ultimately my life by cheating .
Your dh is lying and is definitely minimising.

I’m so sorry OP. He could have given you HIV or hepatitis or anything. He has not just broken his marriage vows to you but he has knowingly and willingly put your health at risk. The .fact that he couldn’t even put a condom on when cheating on you is very hard to deal with.
But bear in mind that you haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t owe him a quick decision about the future. You don’t even owe him a discussion about your feelings. It’s up to him to explain to you how he expects to win back your trust and, more importantly, how he expects to regain your respect. Because he has shown such little regard for you that you can’t have any respect left just now.
Love has very little to do with whether you can move forward. If you love someone that you don’t trust and don’t respect, the relationship will fail sooner or later.

Did the nurse do a complete swab for all stds or just for herpes? Have you had blood tests to rule out HIV and hepatitis etc?

I couldn't forgive this. Seeing you sick and struggling with gynae problems and never even suggesting it could be an std is unforgivable. If this has been Chlamydia or gonorrhoea rea you could have got Pelvic inflammatory disease and been left really seriously Ill or infertile. If you had given birth with even a mildly active outbreak of herpes then you could have passed it on to your child as well with terrible consequences.

What a horribly selfish thing to do. Cheating is bad but to knowingly withhold health information is much worse.

So he saw you go through all of this for 5 years and kept quiet? There is no 'looking at the bigger picture' and I ate that women are normally advised to see if they cab forgive their partner for sleeping with someone else, it's fucked! Sorry that's unforgivable imo

So he successfully lied to you for 5/6 years and only confessed when caught?

I'd never trust him again and wouldn't be able to forgive this.

He says he can't live without you well he should have thought of that before he put his dick in someone else shouldn't he.

I think it's worse that it was a long time ago as it shows how good he is at hiding things

I’m so sorry, OP.

There is no way back from this. If you stay with him you’ll spend the rest of your life stewing over it. It will make you hate him and you will become permanently miserable and angry.

Get out now and live the rest of your life happy. The pain of leaving is only temporary.

I would bet this hasn’t been his only secret shag behind your back.

You are very very lucky your child wasn't affected by this. Like a PP said, a vaginal birth is not recommended for someone with herpes. What he has done is totally unforgiveable.

So he has watched you suffer for 5 years with health problems and said nothing to save his own skin. His first instinct was to lie and minimise what he did. If he truly cared for you then he should of come clean 5 years ago.
I know you have children, as do I. But I don’t think I could forgive this. He has given you a life long health condition and shagged someone else. I’d be asking him to leave ASAP

It depends on whether you want to live with a man you can't trust. It's all very well for friends and family telling you to think of the bigger picture but they are invested in keeping things the way they are. You need to work out if this is something you can live with or if you will always feel sad and let down. If you know it's the latter then it would be fairer to everyone to spilt and move on. So sorry he is such a twunt op.