Found out my husband cheated after testing positive with STI

[Lexi2021]

I have been with my husband for 18 years married for 11 years. I have been having problems with what I thought was reoccurring UTI and thrush and in June this year had coil fitted. It caused many problems and when getting it removed last week clinician asked if she could test me for herpes, I thought it would come back negative but unfortunately not 😔.
When confronted husband he tried to lie at first but then confessed to kissing someone (as he thought you could get it through that) but when I explained that it was not the case confessed to sleeping with someone on stag do 6 years ago 😭.
He is remorseful, upset and gutted but I would of never known if this had not been discovered.
I am now living with lifelong condition and my trust completed destroyed.
We had 2 children at the time (3 now). I am devastated for them and currently don't feel I will be able to forgive him. I am questioning everything and my gut is telling me this isn't the first time. He has refused to take lie detector test (which I know if extreme but can't get passed it).
He is in bits and telling me he can't leave without me and kids... I always thought I would leave him straight away and have always said that if he cheated but the few people I have told have said that I need to think of the bigger picture.
Any advice? X

How can you ever forgive him? He gave you herpes, you have had a baby since he cheated. Your baby could of been very ill, hes given you something you will live with forever. Hes stil lying now, old giving what you have forced out of him. Ltb

@DeJaDont

Did the nurse do a complete swab for all stds or just for herpes? Have you had blood tests to rule out HIV and hepatitis etc?

I couldn't forgive this. Seeing you sick and struggling with gynae problems and never even suggesting it could be an std is unforgivable. If this has been Chlamydia or gonorrhoea rea you could have got Pelvic inflammatory disease and been left really seriously Ill or infertile. If you had given birth with even a mildly active outbreak of herpes then you could have passed it on to your child as well with terrible consequences.

What a horribly selfish thing to do. Cheating is bad but to knowingly withhold health information is much worse.

This.

What an absolute cunt. He let you worry about the medical side of stuff when he could have confessed right at the start, or even when you first had symptoms, and it would have meant you were treated sooner and anxious for less time.

What an utter bastard.

I could never get past him behaving that way.

Don't be fooled by his weeping and wailing 'remorse'. He's sorry you found out.
Of course it was just once. He's so unlucky. 🙄 The one time he sticks his dick in some other woman he gets herpes

Then he infects you. Says nothing. Risks your third child. Have you ever googled congenital herpes?

He's disgusting and his terrible guilt act is insulting to your intelligence.

Whether he gave you herpes or it has been dormant in your system for years is less pertinent than he is a cheating arsehole who has no regard for you or DCs. Get rid.

Thank you everyone.
I agree the complications I've had for years and the devastation of what could of been whilst carrying my third child is unbearable. I've made sure he knows exactly what he has put me through and the complications it could of caused during pregnancy.

I am so angry and upset, i would never of been unfaithful to him. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I want to protect my children as much as I can and from any heartache which I know would be to stay with him but not sure I can.
Xx

Think of how he saw you being unwell and neglected to tell you anything even then. My advice is to divorce him

^^ he's in bits because he's got caught. He will be lovely to you for a period of time but will do it again

Your faith and trust in your husband is gone, the marriage is over.

I couldn’t stay with him.

@DeJaDont

Did the nurse do a complete swab for all stds or just for herpes? Have you had blood tests to rule out HIV and hepatitis etc?

I couldn't forgive this. Seeing you sick and struggling with gynae problems and never even suggesting it could be an std is unforgivable. If this has been Chlamydia or gonorrhoea rea you could have got Pelvic inflammatory disease and been left really seriously Ill or infertile. If you had given birth with even a mildly active outbreak of herpes then you could have passed it on to your child as well with terrible consequences.

What a horribly selfish thing to do. Cheating is bad but to knowingly withhold health information is much worse.

I had PID two years ago and very poorly 😢 I don't know if I am infertile but I am guessing that I may have gonorrhoea to as discussed with SH Gp today, so getting tested for that to. Been tested for HIV and okay

If you had given birth with even a mildly active outbreak of herpes then you could have passed it on to your child as well with terrible consequences.

I read somewhere that herpes can cause foetal abnormalities too.

Would it be more heartachy for the kids to have a mother martyred, to keep a disgusting liar in the house?
Or parented by parents who don’t live in the same building?
Show him the same thought and care as he did when out shagging with wild abandon and watching you suffer for years because of his choice.

The one time he sticks his dick in some other woman he gets herpes

Yeah, thst seems unlikely; and op already feels there's more to it.

He sounds like he's doing the typical cheater "admit only to what there is evidence of, or to the mimnum possible" routine.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. Did he say if he’s ever had symptoms too?

@Lexi2021 if you are in the UK you can look at herpes.org.uk for information. Did the swab identify if it was type 1 (which would indicate it was oral to genital transmission) or type 2 (which is genital )?

Honestly, I'd struggle to look him in the face let alone live with him and sleep with him. He's only confessed because he's been backed in to a corner. My thoughts would be if he has lied about this one time, what else could he have lied about? If this was one of your daughter's in this situation what would you tell them? Know your worth.

OP, I would bet my life it wasnt just once. I'm sorry but that seems really hard to believe. He's so cruel. He is telling you the bare minimum but even that is downright shocking. What he has done is so much more than just cheating. Total disregard for your health, and your baby. Awful.

If you stay, believe me, this will eat away at you and in time you will get past the shock and you'll be angry. You'll want a divorce and rightly so
Hes done this. I can see no way to forgive such terrible behaviour

@Shitapillar

You are very very lucky your child wasn't affected by this. Like a PP said, a vaginal birth is not recommended for someone with herpes. What he has done is totally unforgiveable.

This is not correct.

There is no problem with a woman who has herpes having a vaginal birth at all. If she happened to have an active outbreak near to her due date they would look at options, one of which is just to treat with antiviral medication.

Is it not an automatic no to a vaginal delivery bc you carry a virus which may never flare up.

Please don’t spread misinformation, there is already a lot of stigma around herpes, shit like this doesn’t help.

Sorry not trying to derail your thread op and I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of misinformation about herpes on here.
@Shitapillar its absolutely fine for women with herpes to have virginal births its incorrect that they are recommended against it. This is only the case if they have contracted it during the latter stages of pregnancy or are having and active outbreak at the time of birth and even then its sometimes ok to give birth vaginally because mother will pass antibody protection onto the baby in pregnancy.

Op herpes seems like the end if the world but its not. Its easily suppressed and often outbreaks become less to non existant with time. You are able to live a completely normal life including sex life in time. People are very misinformed on this condition.

That does not take away from what you are going through and the betrayal you have suffered I just hope it gives you some reassurance in terms of your health.

@Arren12

Sorry not trying to derail your thread op and I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of misinformation about herpes on here. *@Shitapillar* its absolutely fine for women with herpes to have virginal births its incorrect that they are recommended against it. This is only the case if they have contracted it during the latter stages of pregnancy or are having and active outbreak at the time of birth and even then its sometimes ok to give birth vaginally because mother will pass antibody protection onto the baby in pregnancy.

Op herpes seems like the end if the world but its not. Its easily suppressed and often outbreaks become less to non existant with time. You are able to live a completely normal life including sex life in time. People are very misinformed on this condition.

That does not take away from what you are going through and the betrayal you have suffered I just hope it gives you some reassurance in terms of your health.

This is really important. Herpes is much misunderstood and medical professionals understand a lot more about it now and tend to approach it as a skin condition rather than a moral judgement or definite proof that you have been cheated on.

That said, OPs husband is a grade A arsehole.

I would struggle to believe that he had sex once and could herpes. I think he has admitted to the absolute minimum but I wouldn’t be convinced it was only one time. Has he had no symptoms in six years?

I couldn’t get over the fact that he watched you being unwell for years and never said a word. That is unspeakably cruel.

What kind of sadist does that to the person they supposedly love?

And you didn’t need to tell him what the risks to you were @Lexi2021. I’m sure he can use the internet just as well as you.

He knew all along. He just didn’t care.

So sorry to hear you've had such a shock. I will leave the relationship advice to others, but regarding the herpes, please do look at the UK Herpes Viruses Association as they have some really good info and emphasise that there's often an over-dramatic approach to genital herpes. Eg chickenpox and oral cold sores are also "incurable" in the exact same way in that they stay in the body, but people tend not to worry about them. I've attached screenshots of their genital herpes info leaflet but you can download this and much more info fro k their site.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would go for a full screen if you haven't already just to check there isnt any other STIs lurking.

I wouldn't be faffing with lie detectors or anything. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

I agree with the above poster. You have a choice to make with the information you already have. Do you want to stay with someone who cheated, then lied, then lied to your face.

There is always more BTW. He will have given you as little truth as possible.