Found out my husband cheated after testing positive with STI

[Lexi2021]

I have been with my husband for 18 years married for 11 years. I have been having problems with what I thought was reoccurring UTI and thrush and in June this year had coil fitted. It caused many problems and when getting it removed last week clinician asked if she could test me for herpes, I thought it would come back negative but unfortunately not 😔.
When confronted husband he tried to lie at first but then confessed to kissing someone (as he thought you could get it through that) but when I explained that it was not the case confessed to sleeping with someone on stag do 6 years ago 😭.
He is remorseful, upset and gutted but I would of never known if this had not been discovered.
I am now living with lifelong condition and my trust completed destroyed.
We had 2 children at the time (3 now). I am devastated for them and currently don't feel I will be able to forgive him. I am questioning everything and my gut is telling me this isn't the first time. He has refused to take lie detector test (which I know if extreme but can't get passed it).
He is in bits and telling me he can't leave without me and kids... I always thought I would leave him straight away and have always said that if he cheated but the few people I have told have said that I need to think of the bigger picture.
Any advice? X

Omg OP thats fucking terrible! So sorry you're going through this.

The cheating is bad enough but the fact that he stayed silent whilst you went through health problems for FIVE YEARS because HE CHEATED and didn't think to USE A CONDOM and he's still not telling you the full truth and trying to minimise his behaviour really shows you he's a disloyal, selfish and cowardly cunt who won't even take responsibility for what he's done! Pack his bags, kick him out and find yourself a good divorce solicitor. As the saying goes OP when someone shoes you their true colours take them at face value. He'll behave himself on the surface but you can be sure if you let this go and forgive him he'll do it again and next time he'll cover his tracks even more so you don't catch him out twice. Cheaters are never sorry for cheating they're sorry they get caught and they only learn to cover their tracks better next time they do it.

Your husband's weak and callous behaviour is unforgivable.

His arse wouldn't touch the fucking floor.

@MissConductUS

What's the point of a lie detector test if he has already admitted it? They are not particularly reliable, by the way.

If it was really a one off six years ago many couples would try to work through it, especially with kids in the picture.

To see if there were others

It's unforgivable. To cheat is and enough. To cheat unprotected is absolutely disgusting and to knowingly see you struggle all these years whilst keeping schtum is reprehensible.

I agree the complications I've had for years and the devastation of what could of been whilst carrying my third child is unbearable. I've made sure he knows exactly what he has put me through and the complications it could of caused during pregnancy.

This is the crux of it. He couldn’t be arsed confessing when you were ill, he couldn’t be bothered confessing when it literally endangered the health of his unborn child. He only confessed begrudgingly as caught out. What a Grade A cunt.

I also believe the chance of all of this from a one night stand is pretty low but given his reluctance to confess in the past even when he knew it had affected your health and endangered his child, he certainly isn’t going to now knowing you don’t have proof. He is fake crocodiling in the outside and laughing on the inside thinking he has at least gotten away with that.

If he was my husband, his bags would have been dumped outside with him by now.

I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that he knowingly put his wife and baby's health at risk and said nothing. He watched you go through pain, illness and tests and said nothing. He saw you go through PID and said nothing.

It sounds like the trust is destroyed and you think that he's still not telling the truth. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I suspect he is selfish in other ways too isn't he OP?

Sorry, OP. That'd be a deal-breaker for me. How could you ever trust him again?

@nomorefrogs

It depends on whether you want to live with a man you can't trust. It's all very well for friends and family telling you to think of the bigger picture but they are invested in keeping things the way they are. You need to work out if this is something you can live with or if you will always feel sad and let down. If you know it's the latter then it would be fairer to everyone to spilt and move on. So sorry he is such a twunt op.

I couldn't agree more. I'm afraid you have to put to one side what others say and think and take the time to figure out what you want.

There is no rush, unless you're feeling unsafe, it took me 3 months to come to the conclusion my marriage was over. We lived together for 6 months after discovery and in the first 3 months we spoke about 'it' only on a set evening so that we could continue functioning in front of the kids. Then separated into to two bedrooms and started telling everyone.

People wanted us to try, but we did and is not them that have to basically hollow themselves out. I came to the conclusion if I stayed, it would be for everyone else, and there would be nothing of me left. Plus I wanted to show my kids a healthy mum and a healthy relationship.

I am and still do feel judged, but that's on them. They have no idea what this feels like and how they'd react.

Take care of yourself, there is no rush so if you can find a way to get through the next bit without making any huge decisions then fine. But equally, if you need to go/get him gone, do it.

Thank you all for your kind comments and advice.
It's hard to believe this is the only time he was unfaithful. He declares he didn't know he had herpes until I've tested positive, either way he still cheated and would of be happy to get away with it forever x

@DivorcedAndDelighted

So sorry to hear you've had such a shock. I will leave the relationship advice to others, but regarding the herpes, please do look at the UK Herpes Viruses Association as they have some really good info and emphasise that there's often an over-dramatic approach to genital herpes. Eg chickenpox and oral cold sores are also "incurable" in the exact same way in that they stay in the body, but people tend not to worry about them. I've attached screenshots of their genital herpes info leaflet but you can download this and much more info fro k their site.

Thank you, this is really helpful

People have told you to think of the bigger picture?

The bigger picture here is that cheating and giving your wife a STD that's dangerous to an unborn is one thing but finding out your partner has the ability to be so deceptive and lie so easily is something else entirely.

The fact people have recommended you remain with a deceptive cheating liar who gave you a STD and watched you suffer says more about their own lack of morals than your strength to get through this.

I know some couples can and do get past an affair but this is beyond that.

I've made sure he knows exactly what he has put me through and the complications it could of caused during pregnancy

You may have told him, but that doesn't mean he's really listened or even that he cares - if he did, he probably wouldn't have done this in the first place, so much of the "remorse" may be down to getting caught

There's no rush to decide what to do, but if you stay with him be aware that you'll have given him the green light to carry on

"I had PID two years ago and very poorly 😢 I don't know if I am infertile but I am guessing that I may have gonorrhoea to as discussed with SH Gp today, so getting tested for that to.
Been tested for HIV and okay"

@Lexi2021

I am so so sorry about this. What an absolutely monstrous thing you've been through. And at the hands of somebody that was supposed to love you. I am sorry. You and your kids are worth so much more.

I find it sad people would recommend staying because of the children.

This guy can't be trusted, can't be counted on, he doesn't have your back, he doesn't care about you or your well-being at all.

He's the type who would fuck off if you got cancer or during a mid-life crisis.

What he did was abusive and sick.

Is he going for a full STI screen himself?
What was his reaction when you told him you had herpes? Was he surprised?
Does he travel at all for work?

I agree with ivyruin. I was diagnosed many, many years ago but really wouldn't know I had it if I hadn't been told. No problem whatsoever. And I had a baby afterwards, again no problems. I wouldn't worry too much about it..

Thank you for all your advice and comments xx

I agree with the others. Cheating is bad enough but what he did affected your health massively and he kept quiet to save his own skin. Even now he's only admitting the bare minimum that you can prove.

Ok so what I think you need to do for the moment is take space to think - this is all new and a shock and on top of health issues. So can you instigate a trial separation until you get your head together and your health stabilises?
I think you need space to process all this.

I’m so sorry OP 😢

I don’t think it’s a question of ‘should you leave’ or ‘should you stay’ I think it is a question if whether you can happily live with and love him knowing that he cheated on his stag do, didn’t at least use a condom, didn’t then get a sti test himself before having sex with you, instead hid it all from you, then watched your health problems but concealed from you the likelihood that you might have a sti. Then when found out he lied and minimised it.

That is a lot of betrayal, it isn’t one incident, and it’s going to be hard to happily live with, and get aroused by, someone like that. And if you can’t be happy living with him and sleeping with him, then the marriage is already dead.

I’m so sorry.

I doubt he would have changed if he'd just had a one night stand, OP. Is there any possibility he's been seeing someone over the years?

I am so sorry, it's awful what he's done to you. Appalling.... and it sounds like he might have given you gonorrhoea as well? Lovely, you know he hasn't contracted 2 STDs and given them both to you from one one nighter. I am so sorry x

I know you will make your own mind up, as is right, but please consider leaving him. I am usually a strong advocate of staying together, and yes staying together for the children, but I do not see how you can get past this cruelty, this callousness, that he has shown you - even setting aside his infidelity. Sending you lots of love and strength whatever you decide x