Turmoil Over Marriage

[Wide]

God where to even begin. This will be long by the way!!!!

I know I will get the ltb comments but it is soo hard. I have 2 dc 10 and 7 so an awful age to split. Dh has always been financiallly wreckless he wants a car on finance he'll have it, gambled, lied about his wage for years on end constantly making me feel confused as to why universal credits says he earned a certain amount and him saying they have made a mistake hes earnt less. He has lied so much about money, weve always struggled I just thought we were poor but he hasn't helped we have got nowhere in life.

11 years together so since our early twenties first love etc all I have ever known, I like being a wife and as per usual the typical family everyone thinks is perfect,I am also jealpus of the other happy families that havent had such a shit wreckless husband,my childrens friends parents have had mortages for years.

We moved into his parents to save for a deposit for a house,the financial lives continued and I walked out after an arguement and ended up on a matress in my mums house with 2 children with no home of our own for 6 months while I was devastated he was loving life getting a car on finance now he was free I so desperatly wanted to be together again so we did and rented another house,in the meantime his paremts gifted us 30k for a house it was a once in a lifetime oppurtunity after trying to save for years on end it was amazing! Then covid happened and I lost my job and dh went on the sick and got into a hobby where he thought he could make profit and also brought a dog I didnt want out the inheritance for 3k he also lied how much it cost. I warned him numerous times that it wont end well if he spends the deposit. We put 4k each in an isa from the inheritance and I said do not ever touch it as we will lose the 1k bonus,I knew his hobby was ongoing but of course he kept saying its fine,more fool me.

A letter turned up one day and it revelaed he had withdrawn the isa money and lost the 1k bonus I was fuming as I knew to withdraw that he is in a mess! He tried to argue with me lie his way out and make excuses,id had enough and told his parents the money had gone. 10k is apparantly in America being valued and as soon as he gets this back he will make 10k back for the deposit. I told his parents he had spent the majority of the deposit. So 30k gone in less than a year,I was devstated. I wanted the marriage to end I was looking forward to being free,the thought of saving for another deposit again made me feel disgusted for our dc who share a bedroom and are male and female the girl is 10 and needs her own room soon!!! He has robbed us all of this for selfish reasons!!! Nothing to show for it and he says its gambling and also the hobby.

He sobbed went awol was a broken man,he was losing his wife and kids and also his parents were furious!! We discussed splitting etc I dont even know how we are here but here we are trying to work it out and saying he is going to work but takes time off due to hernia pain he is waiting for an op for. I am only here to give him a chance of not losing us and getting the money back. But i am unhappy have saved 2k he talked the talk said he could get 10k by xmas,. Its so easy to say leave I feel kind of guilty, the kids would be upset and not exactly going to get them a house and their own room on my part time wage. So either way the chance of owning a house if we split or not are slim. Now I have taken him back and i cannot believe that I am.giving him a chance after spending his family house deposit. He is remorsful about it but you would think he would tip toe round and treat me like a princess. I dont even know what to do, hang on and hope he may claw the deposit back and what if round the corner he would have turned things round or backtrack and leave and have me and my kids start a new life again they adore their dad. I am a miserabke wife to dh he wants me to be cheery how fucking can i be and no there are no huge rows infront of the kids but he has done financial infidelity throughout the whole relationshio and i am so intertwined with him it is hard to leave we are a really close family and do everything together. Please help. If i leave life could be worse and lonely I love being a family unit and a wife,i never had it growing up and i know i will be miserable without my marriage too

He’s not on your team at all and you know you should divorce him. Don’t become more and more embroiled in his financial nonsense

He has a gambling problem and will continue to destroy your life. You've come here knowing the advice you'll get and you're absolutely right: leave him!

When someone shows you who they are believe them..honestly throw him back in the pond!
You are not a family unit, because simply a 'unit' implies togetherness and working as one for the good of the family! He has never and will never do that. You will of course be a little sad for a while, but at least you know the person who is supposed to love you all isn't sabotaging you at every turn!

You say you love being married.
What does he have to do to make you see that he isn't putting you and the children first? Before his own wants and his "hobby"...

And what if he does somehow manage to scrape up enough for a deposit? (He won't, though.)

Do you honestly think you'll even get a mortgage? You'd have to provide your bank statements showing income and expenditure and they'll look at your credit reports. Payday loans (I didn't see you mention this but modern day gamblers almost always have a history them), high car finance payments and low savings, no long term residence history, there is NO WAY a bank will lend to him. You'd need 3 to 6 years to clear the credit records enough to pass the lending criteria, and that's if you start now.

Do you honestly think if you managed to get one that you'll ever pay it off? He'll be phoning up for mortgage holidays behind your back. You'll be on the hook and owe him half a house that you alone are paying for. Do not do that to your children.

There won't be enough to give them anything to start their own lives as adults. Let alone a roof over their heads as children.

You need to wise up, honey. If wishes were horses you'd have a grand national winner.

Im at work trying to hold the tears back. It's either give him the chance to get the money back,to not lose his family, I feel bad to him that he will end up with nothing no children living with him, no wife,he isnt a bad person he is child like ive even thought does he have some condition to behave like this. Or i could throw the towel in and be lonely,the kids unhappy,still skint and i know he will think why did i give him another chance he is working to try to get the savings up what more can he do and ive gone and pulled the rug from under him. He will say I did this as he was trying to put things right he did this last time i split with him. I actually feel guilty I am such a miserable and vile wife to him he often says im never happy he has sobbed to me so much about whats happened i am giving him this chance to make it right and what about the kids im taking their dad away,i could just hang on until they are 16. Either way they probably wont get their own room i dont know how to solve that problem either way. I dont knoe if its better to be married and miserable or alone and miserable. He now sheows me everything etc as I said first love and all I have known since 21 and been together 11 years I dont want to also share the children

Take back control, OP. You have given it all to him and yet you blame him for having it!

He is a total fucking disaster, but you are the one who listens to his lies and goes along with them even though you know they are lies. You are the one who takes him back. You are the one whose default position is devastated, but who carries on as if magically tomorrow will be different from today. He is who he is, sure, but he isn't you, is he? You can decide for you.

Yeah, it will be 'hard' to untwine.

Yeah, it will be hard to give up the happy married life fantasy.

Yeah, it will be hard to face the fact that he is NOT a good father and that you will have to give up deluding yourself your children are somehow better off because you keep up the pretense that he is.

Yeah, it will be hard to have to rely on yourself.

However so many of us have managed all those hardships and gone on to live far better lives.

@Haffiana you are right!!

It's like I hang on incase of 'what if' what if I left and if I could have looked into the future we would have the house and I chucked the chance away. I am like an old 50s wife,commit no matter what etc I just constantly wait and wait and I do love him and I cling to the good parts I love his family,I feel like he is as close to me as my mum how can you just shut someone out I dont want to seperate I just want him to be good,I know you are all right and believe me I am not a little frail housewife afraid to speak,I answer back to him stand my ground,I am just in love with marriage and family life and I feel like taking the slight good bits is better all round than me and the kids being alone. I am not trying to sound weak I am in turmoil,when it first happened with the deposit I was in the worst state of confusion. I dont know why as an adult I am never sure of any decisions I make

I feel like he is trying to get the deposit back,messages me to say he has cleaned up. You know trying to please me and to takr him back to then decide against it makes me feel terrible to him

Just leave. If he manages to get the money back and put things right by getting help for his gambling then maybe you can look at it down the line AFTER he's fixed it. But you'll always be looking over your shoulder if money goes missing.

@Wide

I feel like he is trying to get the deposit back,messages me to say he has cleaned up. You know trying to please me and to takr him back to then decide against it makes me feel terrible to him

Strip it back to bare facts. How much money has he actually got? What is he currently spending? What is he doing to get more? Has he given you full and transparent control of the accounts and all money coming in, and access to his credit report? (Any gambler's wife knows it's the only way you'll keep your children housed and fed.) Selling the car and buying a cheaper one?

You FEEL like he’s trying, because he’s TELLING you he’s trying. And you're easily manipulated because you want to feel married.

But is he a) actually doing something practical and b) succeeding by keeping it going for at least a few months?

You didn't pull the rug out from under his feet. He did that to you. I'm absolutely amazed you're swallowing that story told to you to make you feel sorry for him.

He's broken;you can't fix him.You as a woman are not a rehab for a fucked up man.

You are a victim of long term domestic abuse.Financial abuse is domestic abuse.

Leave him.Go back to your mums.Present yourself as homeless and fleeing domestic abuse to your local council.

You will be better off financially without him having access to yours and your children's income.

Well heres the thing - go on then stay. accept that you will never have any money - ever. That your kids wont be able to have the sort of life you want for them. that every time there is a row over homework not being done they will blame the room sharing. that your daughter and son will start being embarrassed at school to admit that they have to share with a sibling way beyond the age when its acceptable. no holidays, no nice car, no home security. Oh and in a few years you will have to become a liar too to cover for his lies with his family. every time you tell those lies your stomach will knot and you will have waves of guilt. Eventually he will piss away every single penny you have. You will look back at the "£30K pissed up the wall in a year " and wish it were as little as that. He will borrow, you will carry that burden of debt every single day. and your husband. Not one single shit will be given. Not one. Dont fool yourself into thinking your kids dont know because they 100% do. Think of it like this - leave now and yes there is some shit to deal with. but once dealt with its done and finished. stay and you will be shovelling that shit day in and day out. every single day. relentless. He wont change and staying enables him to continue his behaviour. you have to leave and you know it.

I do not believe you think that 10k will turn up.

I can't believe you think hanging around for another 6 years will benefit your DC.

I know it's hard.

I already have gone down as homeless last year when I left and was at my mums and then I got a house. I just dont knoe why I am like this and cant leave,I am trying to out my children first by not upsetting them. I cant provide them with an owned house and a bedroom each without him but by staying with him i may nit be abke to do that but at least they will have both parents together. My mum was a single parent and she brought me up to not be a fool so I dont get it

Wide - you arent in love with your marriage you are in love with a fantasy thats not your reality. I cheered the day my dad left because the house was just so fecking miserable with the two of them married and together. dont fool yourself into thinking your kids dont know whats going on here.

@mummymeister i know i agree you are so right but now what if he leaves I still cant get the kids 2 rooms?

...yet. you cant get them two rooms yet. but you have more chance doing this without him than you do with him

Oh god its just so shit and sad,I miss his presence the thought of him not being there he isnt one to go out to the pub we stay in together 24/7 he just got in a mess and he looked so broken the other weeks when it was happeningzhe is being transparentxhe tells me every penny he earns and where its gone but i dont actually like saying fill the petrol up but send me a receipt as proof i wdont want to be so controlling and the reason I feel guilty is because I am supposed to be giving him.a chance i just feel like me and the kids wont have anything without him so why not at least let the kids have their dad around if we wont have anything anyway. I feel like he doesnt do things in an evil way he just cannot manage money and i get people will say he isnt a good dad etc but seriously he loves the kids so much and he is trying so hard

And we obviously split last year and I cried non stop so i know what it will feel like again,staying with him eases that pain. I know i am being annoying I am trying to think of the kids. I reassured them last time we wont split up again but didnt think he would soend the depoait the thing is theres so many layers to it he didnt just spend it he 'invested' it and got in a mess aside from the gambling trying to get the money back

He is trying hard at the moment but this veneer will shortly wear off and you will be back where you were again. have you actually got any facts about the £10K? where is it? what did he spend it on? why is he so certain he will make it back? he isnt a good dad. by pissing money up the wall he is robbing them - of money for holidays, clubs etc. Stay and accept that you have to act as his parent forever in relation to money. Stay and accept that next time it will be worse. £30k in a year on top of other money being spent is fucking obscene. I am shocked that you cant see that for what it is. eventually you and he will run out of family and friends to financially bail you out. the kids wont be without him. he will still be in their lives. he will be living away not dead! He had his chance - he had £30,000 worth of chances.

I honestly don't know why you posted ?
Everyone has said the same thing and you're still making excuses.
I hope the kids aren't in when the bailiffs knock

You'd be better on your own , you know this.
I didn't get a mortgage till I was 42 , on my own. You don't need him.

@mummymeister thankyou you are right!! I get it all,it is an obsurd amount!!! Its like I fall into a trap of its not black and white he didnt just stick his fingers up and say lets spend 30k on trainers etc I know he tried to invest,it was on a certain childhood gimmick which i do believe having heard the youtube videos in the background can make money, just not what you should put the house deposit on!! So currently this item is in america getting graded to see how 'good' they are then he will sell them on ebay,I do believe it or am i just clutching. The reason i feel it is not black and white is because probably thats where I am manipulated although I genuinly dont think he wanted to hurt his family he has said he is suicidal from it i know they all say that! He is a senstive person. My mum would be so disgusted and this was all happening while she was having serious brain surgery so I couldnt even speak to her about it,I have kept it all to myself apart from his family knowing his dad still isnt speaking to him

@jsl52 I know I dont know why I am never sure of myself!!! Its like I have so much doubt

He's a gambling addict. You will never have any financial security with him ever.

As a single parent with partial housing benefit as you work you will be entitled to a 3 bed house soon enough.

He is completely full of shit.