Turmoil Over Marriage

[Wide]

God where to even begin. This will be long by the way!!!!

I know I will get the ltb comments but it is soo hard. I have 2 dc 10 and 7 so an awful age to split. Dh has always been financiallly wreckless he wants a car on finance he'll have it, gambled, lied about his wage for years on end constantly making me feel confused as to why universal credits says he earned a certain amount and him saying they have made a mistake hes earnt less. He has lied so much about money, weve always struggled I just thought we were poor but he hasn't helped we have got nowhere in life.

11 years together so since our early twenties first love etc all I have ever known, I like being a wife and as per usual the typical family everyone thinks is perfect,I am also jealpus of the other happy families that havent had such a shit wreckless husband,my childrens friends parents have had mortages for years.

We moved into his parents to save for a deposit for a house,the financial lives continued and I walked out after an arguement and ended up on a matress in my mums house with 2 children with no home of our own for 6 months while I was devastated he was loving life getting a car on finance now he was free I so desperatly wanted to be together again so we did and rented another house,in the meantime his paremts gifted us 30k for a house it was a once in a lifetime oppurtunity after trying to save for years on end it was amazing! Then covid happened and I lost my job and dh went on the sick and got into a hobby where he thought he could make profit and also brought a dog I didnt want out the inheritance for 3k he also lied how much it cost. I warned him numerous times that it wont end well if he spends the deposit. We put 4k each in an isa from the inheritance and I said do not ever touch it as we will lose the 1k bonus,I knew his hobby was ongoing but of course he kept saying its fine,more fool me.

A letter turned up one day and it revelaed he had withdrawn the isa money and lost the 1k bonus I was fuming as I knew to withdraw that he is in a mess! He tried to argue with me lie his way out and make excuses,id had enough and told his parents the money had gone. 10k is apparantly in America being valued and as soon as he gets this back he will make 10k back for the deposit. I told his parents he had spent the majority of the deposit. So 30k gone in less than a year,I was devstated. I wanted the marriage to end I was looking forward to being free,the thought of saving for another deposit again made me feel disgusted for our dc who share a bedroom and are male and female the girl is 10 and needs her own room soon!!! He has robbed us all of this for selfish reasons!!! Nothing to show for it and he says its gambling and also the hobby.

He sobbed went awol was a broken man,he was losing his wife and kids and also his parents were furious!! We discussed splitting etc I dont even know how we are here but here we are trying to work it out and saying he is going to work but takes time off due to hernia pain he is waiting for an op for. I am only here to give him a chance of not losing us and getting the money back. But i am unhappy have saved 2k he talked the talk said he could get 10k by xmas,. Its so easy to say leave I feel kind of guilty, the kids would be upset and not exactly going to get them a house and their own room on my part time wage. So either way the chance of owning a house if we split or not are slim. Now I have taken him back and i cannot believe that I am.giving him a chance after spending his family house deposit. He is remorsful about it but you would think he would tip toe round and treat me like a princess. I dont even know what to do, hang on and hope he may claw the deposit back and what if round the corner he would have turned things round or backtrack and leave and have me and my kids start a new life again they adore their dad. I am a miserabke wife to dh he wants me to be cheery how fucking can i be and no there are no huge rows infront of the kids but he has done financial infidelity throughout the whole relationshio and i am so intertwined with him it is hard to leave we are a really close family and do everything together. Please help. If i leave life could be worse and lonely I love being a family unit and a wife,i never had it growing up and i know i will be miserable without my marriage too

its hard to even look at him because I love him so much and I am so sad that he did this to us

Is it him - the actual real person that he is, with the lying, gambling etc - you love? What do you love about him? What positive does he bring to your life? Or is it the idea of him, the dream of happy families and security?

In any event, the love will go when you find yourself penniless and in debt and your children’s physical security threatened by homelessness and hunger - which is where it’s headed because he won’t stop until forced to. Whatever love he might have for you hasn’t stopped him, whatever love he might have for your kids hasn’t stopped him. He’s now calling your bluff by saying he wants to end things, designed to make you beg, come back into line and never complain again. Whatever love he might have isn’t stopping him behaving the way he is.

Come on OP - your partner has gambled away his children's bedrooms and you are gambling everything else on the chance that he may return those bedrooms.

You tell your children:

"Mummy and Daddy have decided to live apart because they get on far better when they are not living together. Daddy is going to move out and find another house to live in. Both Mummy and Daddy love you very much and living apart will not change how much they love you and want to be with you. You will get to see Daddy very often and you can also go and stay with him when he has chosen somewhere to live."

Don't lay on them your feelings. You don't have to tell them about him and money, but you can SHOW them what a strong woman who takes no shit and who can make her own way in life without clinging onto illusions looks like.

Thankyou,that was good what to say to the children. I wrote out a message on here and my phone died.

Yes I think I am a dreamer,I like love,I like happy families,the dinner on the table,the being together for 50 years but boy does he piss me off and it's not a case of I would put up with anything like cheating and violence even though this financial infidelity is up there with cheating betrayal in regards to how the lies make you feel but I dont know I just feel like I would have done anything to keep us all together. Dont worry nobody needs to convince me anymore about splitting I already knew,also its just hard to leave a marriage you dont want to end because your dh couldnt be good to you!

I know the kids will be ok but of course my mind thinks they would prefer having their dad here than going on a fancy daytrip and now im worried because yes eventually I could save for a house but thats years and dd is 10 and time is ticking I feel the pressure fkr her to have her own room!!

Ergh hate what hes done to us as a family and all my childrens friends have got houses and husbands that didnt fuck up and now theres stupid me with my married and family life over.
Eugh excuse my dramticness

Er I wasnt calling divorced people stupis,as I said my mum was a single mum etc I mean stupid foolish me and my twatty husband

What utterly childish and selfish behaviour from your dh.

Tbh I'd just let him crack on, you eat what you want love it's up to you, don't go to they gym, great you can do the bedtime routine

Just don't rise to it, don't react at all.

Kids are very resilient OP, of course there is upset but I found mine were more interested in extra nice trips and double presents— ! Not saying they are all like that- but mine were after the first month or so. Please don’t obsess about bedrooms etc— your children won’t be hurt by living in a 2 bed house— as I said, there is no reason he can’t be a great dad- but probably not a great partner- it happens!!

@tarasmalatarocks ahh thankyou so much for your words! They do help!

Don’t drag it out, it will not get better. It will get worse actually - he’ll borrow money, and you as his spouse will be equally responsible for the debt. I’ve been paying my husbands debts for the past 12 years. £30K Business loan for a business that failed within 6 months, credit cards, personal loans… guess what, I’m about to turn 4, still renting and no deposit.

I’m actually looking at finally leaving and been to view some houses to rent last weekend, just for me and the kids. Two bedroom houses by the way. Kids will have a bedroom each, I will have a sofabed in the living room. Just saying… ;-)

…about to turn 41 hehe, where is the edit button?

@BlueLorikeet yes I did think about setting up a bed downstairs for me too so they can get a room.each. i do think children can share but just I feel like for privacy. Sorry you have gone through a shitty situation another bright idea from.them ay!

Thr thing is me and dh have spoken about this loaaadss like I want him to also be happy and free he looks broken at times,I know after a hard day at work returning home to my miserable face is draining for him and rhat makes me sad at what ive become,this isnt a shock for us but it does drag out when you are so used to eachother and hold on to glimpses of hope. Its like we have been here loads when is the final straw of our emotions being up and down when you are so used to feeling like that.

Me and dh are being mutual about this and I am glad because when he says yes but we were going along fine trying again he has evebnreturned to work when he should be on the sick waiting for an operation,anyway I feel guilty when he says I wanted this etc i cant imagine ehat he must feel like,if he just cane upto me and said about it being over after we were trying again Id be beside myself and yes he spent the money but that drama was weeks ago and i do feel guilty that we were trying again.

You’re entitled to change your mind. Initially trying again but then realising the extent to which you’d need to put your own feelings on hold is ok. It’s a huge shock to learn of his betrayal and having had some time to let that settle is ok. To be expected really.

Get rid this will never get any better, hugs.

The other thing is OP if you do separate, there is in my view no reason you can’t remain cordial , just don’t get financially tangled at all or lend him money , move him back in etc— if he is going to make it all ok and amazing— well he can show you that— whilst separated!! Walk the walk, not talk the talk

Yes exactly. Argh I know everyone knows its hard but he isnt begging whatsoever because he is done with being up and down about us and thats fine i wouldnt want gim to beg as id feek worse but its when he says i thought we were trying again and thats what i feel confused about he is showing me he is trying. And last time we spkit he said but thjs your choice and he is sort of saying the same thing now-you wanted this and it makes me feek so sad and responsible for his unhappiness. For me its a case of do i want to stay togther of course its all i can envision for my future but should we stay tigether after what has benen done and the answer is no and i know that but the easy comfort zone is to just stay together. Its awful

Ok,yeah sure I do not care about my childrens happiness thats why I was willing to stay unhappy in my marriage to have both parents living with them. The children are happy at the moment because they havent felt direct impact of his mess as of yet which yes they eventually will do hence why I am splitting uo so take your shitty slow clap elsewhere,sorry that I consider peoples feelings. How dare you

@Wide

Ok,yeah sure I do not care about my childrens happiness thats why I was willing to stay unhappy in my marriage to have both parents living with them. The children are happy at the moment because they havent felt direct impact of his mess as of yet which yes they eventually will do hence why I am splitting uo so take your shitty slow clap elsewhere,sorry that I consider peoples feelings. How dare you

Believe me , if you're unhappy the children will be. I started noticing an atmosphere at home when I was about 7.

@JSL52 yes and I completely get they will sense the atmosphere,we try to be fine because we actually do love eachother and get on thats why this has been so hard its the choices hes made that are bad. The kids are so bubbly at the minute and I look at them thinking your little world is about to be turned upside down. I still cant help but think how will life be better for them without their dad at home there isnt huge rows etc and the kids get what they need but yes the split is going ahead

My aunt was married to a man like this. It aged her and she lived a sad and stressful life and died early. Her kids have mental health issues and can’t hold down jobs. You have a duty as a parent to set a good example of relationships and money to your kids. He’s the worst. You have to pull up your boots and get yourself right. Get stable and financially show them that if they are bad with money then relationships will be affected.

Now he is saying we were all fine giving it a go and then Ive messed him around not knowing what I want he said we put the tree up 2 days ago and I watched us be all happy knowing I was going to say about splitting up,it wasnt like that,he hadnt gone to work because his hernia was hurting and I get its bad but i just thought I cant be bothered with this longness of saving to get the money back when he is having time off work but yes I understand it is because he is in pain,so maybe I am cold hearted. I said I have had enough of 11 years of being poor and he said I am all about the money and I am a weirdo for being fine putting the tree up and then crying that i want to split and the priblem is he will hold on to that like mad putting all the blame on me saying i am a money grabber and he gets in my head and I sart thinking who am I,Im splitting the family uo when we were fine what so theres spare money for more treats. He does accept his wrong doings he just wishes id made my mind up

You aren’t splitting up the family. It’s his repeated behaviour that is doing this. You seem to be stuck though, going round and round in circles. It’s hard, but you know what you need to do if you want to protect your children and give them - and yourself - a happier, more stable life.

It's all the typical attitude of an addict he is not accepting that the financial and emotional state of your marriage is due to his gambling addiction.

@Wide as other PP's have said you are not to blame here, this is all down to his reckless behaviour over money.

You and your children will never have the financial security you crave whilst you allow him to control the narrative like this. He needs to not only acknowledge his issues and take steps to address them but also appreciate that you can't just flick a switch and pretend he hasn't done all of the things he has done.

As everyone on here looking in can see your best course of action would be to ask him to leave, to go to his parents and really work on his issues. He can still see the children and be a big part of their lives just not be financially entangled with you.

You should claim top up benefits and start trying to rebuild your life alone whilst he tackles his issues.

If he can address these and he does recoup the money he 'invested' if that is actually what he has done then you can maybe start to work towards a future where you could reconcile BUT that is not something that should happen without time for him to sort himself out.

If he never does then you know you were right to separate and if he does get his act together then you know making him do this was the right thing to do.

However, you really need to stop being financially entangled with this man. If he does get the money back then you take control of it. You put it in a savings account in your name alone that only you can access. You would also need him to basically hand over all of his earnings and you become responsible for giving him an allowance to spend, the rest being used for the family. He clearly cannot be trusted in any way shape or form to put his family first.

I couldn't live like that personally, having to treat my partner as a child being given pocket money but he has shown you time and time again that is what would have to happen if you want to stay together.

Yes thats what we already do give him.an allowance he could never have free reign over the accounts. Its annoying I want to be free of checking up on his spending,it must be horrible for him too. I was plodding along trying but him not going to work on monday yes due to hernia pain really annoyed me as he does take alot of time off but then i also feel bad that I am cold and expect him to go to work in pain but yes after spending 30k I expect him to work 24hrs a day if it means making it up to us!! He was trying to make it right and rhats what hes holding onto so now im to blame for ending this near xmas when we were going good.

He's not taking ownership of his behaviour though is he. He is blaming you rather than realising that you have been more than understanding in relation to his recklessness.

If he fully appreciated what he'd done he wouldn't be trying to pass the blame onto you for the place you are now where you feel you have little option but to ask him to leave.

In other words he talks a good game but doesn't really want to follow through. A breach of trust like this won't be mended in a few weeks, it will take years for you to get over it if ever. Does he want a quick fix and for you to just pretend it never happened? If so then that is unreasonable and you should know that you can take all the time you need.

As a secondary point, never promise your children you won't split up. No one ever knows what is going to happen in life, I'm sure you didn't imagine when his parents gave you that money that he would blow it all.