Turmoil Over Marriage

[Wide]

God where to even begin. This will be long by the way!!!!

I know I will get the ltb comments but it is soo hard. I have 2 dc 10 and 7 so an awful age to split. Dh has always been financiallly wreckless he wants a car on finance he'll have it, gambled, lied about his wage for years on end constantly making me feel confused as to why universal credits says he earned a certain amount and him saying they have made a mistake hes earnt less. He has lied so much about money, weve always struggled I just thought we were poor but he hasn't helped we have got nowhere in life.

11 years together so since our early twenties first love etc all I have ever known, I like being a wife and as per usual the typical family everyone thinks is perfect,I am also jealpus of the other happy families that havent had such a shit wreckless husband,my childrens friends parents have had mortages for years.

We moved into his parents to save for a deposit for a house,the financial lives continued and I walked out after an arguement and ended up on a matress in my mums house with 2 children with no home of our own for 6 months while I was devastated he was loving life getting a car on finance now he was free I so desperatly wanted to be together again so we did and rented another house,in the meantime his paremts gifted us 30k for a house it was a once in a lifetime oppurtunity after trying to save for years on end it was amazing! Then covid happened and I lost my job and dh went on the sick and got into a hobby where he thought he could make profit and also brought a dog I didnt want out the inheritance for 3k he also lied how much it cost. I warned him numerous times that it wont end well if he spends the deposit. We put 4k each in an isa from the inheritance and I said do not ever touch it as we will lose the 1k bonus,I knew his hobby was ongoing but of course he kept saying its fine,more fool me.

A letter turned up one day and it revelaed he had withdrawn the isa money and lost the 1k bonus I was fuming as I knew to withdraw that he is in a mess! He tried to argue with me lie his way out and make excuses,id had enough and told his parents the money had gone. 10k is apparantly in America being valued and as soon as he gets this back he will make 10k back for the deposit. I told his parents he had spent the majority of the deposit. So 30k gone in less than a year,I was devstated. I wanted the marriage to end I was looking forward to being free,the thought of saving for another deposit again made me feel disgusted for our dc who share a bedroom and are male and female the girl is 10 and needs her own room soon!!! He has robbed us all of this for selfish reasons!!! Nothing to show for it and he says its gambling and also the hobby.

He sobbed went awol was a broken man,he was losing his wife and kids and also his parents were furious!! We discussed splitting etc I dont even know how we are here but here we are trying to work it out and saying he is going to work but takes time off due to hernia pain he is waiting for an op for. I am only here to give him a chance of not losing us and getting the money back. But i am unhappy have saved 2k he talked the talk said he could get 10k by xmas,. Its so easy to say leave I feel kind of guilty, the kids would be upset and not exactly going to get them a house and their own room on my part time wage. So either way the chance of owning a house if we split or not are slim. Now I have taken him back and i cannot believe that I am.giving him a chance after spending his family house deposit. He is remorsful about it but you would think he would tip toe round and treat me like a princess. I dont even know what to do, hang on and hope he may claw the deposit back and what if round the corner he would have turned things round or backtrack and leave and have me and my kids start a new life again they adore their dad. I am a miserabke wife to dh he wants me to be cheery how fucking can i be and no there are no huge rows infront of the kids but he has done financial infidelity throughout the whole relationshio and i am so intertwined with him it is hard to leave we are a really close family and do everything together. Please help. If i leave life could be worse and lonely I love being a family unit and a wife,i never had it growing up and i know i will be miserable without my marriage too

He isn’t going to change. You have a picture of a happy marriage… well, this ain’t it.

Have you seen actual evidence these items exist not just his word? He is a gambler he will ALWAYS love his addiction more than anyone or anything. He will say whatever he needs to to make you stay. Because after all he hasn't milked you of every last penny yet has he? But give it time. You face a future of food banks, lying, begging money off family and friends, kids you can't afford to send to university. And do you know what is the really bloody awful bit about your future? In ten short years time he will be begging money off of your kids. So it can and will get worse.

I know I can see it you are all right and if this was someone else I would be saying the same thing and be shocked,I think because Im in it I want to believe what he says about it working out.

Believe it then Wide. Your poor kids. Miserable life ahead with one parent an addict and the other an enabler. He prioritises his addiction over you and you prioritise him over your two kids. They didn't ask for this. As someone up thread said at least make sure they aren't in when the bailiffs arrive. You don't want advice and help. You want a poor me moan.

@mummymeister

Believe it then Wide. Your poor kids. Miserable life ahead with one parent an addict and the other an enabler. He prioritises his addiction over you and you prioritise him over your two kids. They didn't ask for this. As someone up thread said at least make sure they aren't in when the bailiffs arrive. You don't want advice and help. You want a poor me moan.

This 100% . Seems op is only posting in the hopes that people will validate her belief that she is putting her kids first.... op you aren't by any stretch. You are putting your wants first

Without trying to be be harsh Wake , he is a dreaming loser— doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person , just a lousy partner . I know because I lived with someone like this for a few years, and I ended up losing a house , losing a very good job due to the fact he got us into financial crap (I worked in a financial setting) and having to do a moonlight to actually get away from him. These people don’t change— they haven’t got the self control to manage money when they have any— please end it- he can still be a good dad .

@tarasmalatarocks yes thankyou,I wanted advice maybe from people who have gone through this.

Im actually surprised at the poor me comments above,if it was just me I would have left this shit marriage years ago! The whole reason I am still here is because the kids adore their dad and I am trying to not mess them up and yes while I know I will be giving them more financial stability,they wont know this because I cant tell them all the ins and outs of how dad spent all the money thry will just see it that their dad has moved out. Maybe I am wanting someone to say it will be ok and he can change,it is such a hard dexision ending a mareiage and family breaking up if it was poor me I wouldn't sacrifice my happiness so the kids can have the dad in the house im confused and sad becauae I never wanted this for the marriage and kids and my husband has done this,lit hurts and its hard

@tarasmalatarocks and just to say yes he is a dreaming loserit is always gonna be 'better' etc and I wait and wait and yes he is a shitty husband but as you said not necessarily a bad person thankyou for understanding and thats why i find it hard

I’d stay. I think he will get the 30k back soon, give up the gambling and buy you your dream house with a bedroom each for the kids and a large garden for the designer dog

Stay and you'll be waking up one morning with bailiffs turfing you out and removing your possessions. Sounds like a trauma bond he's an addict and you're addicted to him. Co dependency goes hand in hand with addictions please seek help before your ruin the children never mind the marriage. Someone really has to put these children first

You are deluding yourself that staying is better for the kids.

Financial security with a sole parent is better for your children.

Do not set them an example of this shitshow of a relationship as a role model to aspire to when they are older.

(DOI: child of a relationship where parents stayed together for the children. There was financial abuse. All of my siblings are long term single. None of us have children. We know our views on relationships are fucked up and choose to look after our own finances as a result & not inflict intergenerational harm).

Wide of course your DC love him - children are programmed to love their parents, it's basic survival instinct. That does not mean those parents are any good!

It's your job to teach them how to value themselves - not the value of their house.

TRIGGER WARNING but needs to be said.
Mmmmm I'm gonna shut up.
Look up "adult children of addicts" - you'll mainly find info about alcoholism - but the cognitive dissonance kids experience in this environment is the same.

Please save your kids.

I grew up in a household with a gambler. They bought shit for the house costing a fortune because "it will be a collectors item one day" or it was a bargain. My other parent enabled, stayed in the relationship and we downsized and downsized all the time. They stayed together for the children which was bollocks. Excuse after excuse. The highs and the stupid spending when there was a win, the swearing, the crying, and the selling stuff when there was a loss. They couldn't afford to send me to university. I have never forgiven them for putting gambling before me. You sound just like my enabling parent. As I said your poor kids. You are choosing this life they aren't. I hope you set this thread aside and read it in six months.

You've had lots of sympathy and empathy and good advice here which i wholeheartedly agree with so will just add the blunt - you are the only one who can change this situation for yourself and for your children for the better. He is not going to change and it would be ridiculous to hope for it -you're pissing your life away being miserable.

I am absolutely taking this onboard,of course I know what I need to do its just I cant help but have doubts as I said if I could tell the kids well dad spent our house money of course they may understand me abit more but I am not going to tell them ao they will just see it as mum.and dad just split and are confused why. We dont go without,we are a normal family its not like dh is selling our belongings. Also I could start treating the kids more but im sad they will be doing it without their dad and so will they be.

I know what I sound like I just like to give a fair story and worry of making a mistake like what if life gets worse afterwards. I googled about someone saying above about the trauma addict thing and I feel like that,he hurts me I find out another lie and then I actuslly eant hik to convince me it will all be ok and I want to believe him but I know its down to mw to say enoughs enough and I dont believe you anymore.

Sorry for the typos

Don't worry about the typos! Start apologising to all those that have wasted their breath on trying to help you here.

Omg I am very greatful for the help,I have been at work I do have to think things through rather than just causing a huge scene the second I walk through the door. I have not said I am going to stay! I am reading peoples experiences and advice. If I wanted to stay i would not have posted!

You don't go without - well thats a lie according to your first post. You have gone with out a house because he has pissed away the deposit. Your kids have gone without their own bedrooms.

You've got more of a chance of saving for a deposit, and having your own home on your own than with him. He'll spend every penny you save, I also bet his credit rating is shot to hell so he'll never get a mortgage anyways

Ltb

@Wide - You children are 10 and 7. If (and only if) you were to split, your DC will only momentarily be upset especially if handled with care. They DO need to know that their lives will not improve because of the DF and that is why you are taking them away etc....

It's not easy, I really do give you that but OMG do you and the DC have to be totally homeless before you think about the split?

Your kids will survive, they can still have a relationship with their dad if he so chooses. You won’t survive this with your soul intact, you’ll always be wondering about and worrying about money, working ever harder to make ends meet while your dreams sail away on the wind. And your children will watch it happening and think that’s what a marriage is.

Think about how far you could go if you weren’t carrying all this weight. Things might be hard, but you’ll be steering your own ship without someone scuppering things at every turn.

And honestly, you’ll leave at some point. Now when the kids have a chance of adjusting or in 10/20 years time when he’s bankrupted you, and the kids have watched you support him, fight with him, appease him. You’ll have given him your best years, and be in a much worse position in every way.

I know I agree with the above. I burst out crying to dh and he said is it the money thing again and I just said how could he do this to us if he loved me and he is abit like what more can I do he knows he fucked up big time he is remorseful but he said he cant also keep going through me not knowing what I want, said he is going to work to try and save the money and working extra and he thought we were tiicking along ok now as we are starting to save again,this is why I have been confused because I know we have been trying again and of course I just want to plod along playing happy families,its hard to even look at him because I love him so much and I am so sad that he did this to us and feel guilty that he is trying and ive sprung this on him but he even said he wants to call ir a day now too,hes even saying to me i need to be strong and just call it a day. So there its done for the people who thought I was just wanting attention ,I am just extremely confused about my marriage and want the best for the kids and this is going to be hard on them,of course id rather just sit and be miserable than make them unhappy

And thankyou for the recent comments of support

@IknowwhatIneed so very true