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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH acting like he's the wronged one...

55 replies

Peach2021 · 16/11/2021 10:35

After many years of abusive behaviour, I recently finally found the strength to ask DH to move out for a trial separation.

After endless distress, tears and threats of suicide he's gone. We are in regular contact because of DS.

He's carrying on - to me and to anyone else who'll listen - as if I've hurt him rather than the other way round, ending up with one close friend telling me very sternly that she is concerned about him and asking what am I going to do about that.

I know he's struggling, but I don't think it's anything like as bad as the show he's putting on. If anything this dramatic and manipulative behaviour makes me more sure I've done the right thing, but how to deal with it? Does this normally happen when you call an abuser out on their behaviour?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 16/11/2021 10:38

Yes

As for your 'close friend'. I'd be telling that what I am going to do is to no longer allow him to any more and if she is more concerned about an abuser than his victim perhaps she would prefer to be his 'close friend' instead of yours.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/11/2021 10:38

There are two reasons he's visibly struggling:
1 he wants to show he's visibly struggling
2 he's pissed off you have done what's best for you and he's not in control.

Ask your friend why she thinks it's your job to support him when you're separated?

Pinkspecs · 16/11/2021 10:39

Yes it's the norm, my ex was the same.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 16/11/2021 10:40

Yes this is typical.
My abusive ex didn’t do this when we split but did do it every-time I wouldn’t do something he wanted like pick him up from somewhere or if I dared go out with friends.

He isn’t your responsibility and he needs to seek support from his parents, friends and others. You are not his support anymore. So whether this is true or not is not really relevant.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 16/11/2021 10:40

I remember your previous threads. You have definitely done the right thing.

Your 'friend' is bang out of order! How you deal eith it, depends on your friendship. Personally I'd tell her she's welcome to go snd 'comfort' him, but not to come whinging to me when she discovers what an abusive, lying, manipulative twat he is!

Do NOT take him back, no matter what he or anyone else says.

picklemewalnuts · 16/11/2021 10:40

Ask her why he didn't support you while you were together, and why she thinks you should still support him now even though you aren't?

rampitup · 16/11/2021 10:45

Yes that will happen. It's because you are no longer physically there to abuse so they will create some fictional version of you to abuse. He probably even believes what he's saying.

smoko · 16/11/2021 10:48

Being a victim of someone who wronged you sounds better than a plain old dumping.

You need a mantra to help calm you down

You know your truth!

People who are true friends should not provide gossip & tidbits of info. If they are doing that with you then they will likely be doing it to you (ie speaking about you with him)

Would just try my very best to ignore all future ridiculous behaviour & let your quiet dignity speak volumes.

poorkate · 16/11/2021 10:49

You need to tell your friend the truth and suggest that she supports him and that you are no longer responsible for him. Wish her the best.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 16/11/2021 10:53

Unfortunately it's totally normal.

He'll be looking for others to help him manipulate you from afar.

All you can do is refuse contact with these people (where possible) as they are hindering your peace and recovery.

You'll probably find yourself going NC with many people in the coming months.

timeisnotaline · 16/11/2021 10:54

with one close friend telling me very sternly that she is concerned about him and asking what am I going to do about that.
Well, I’m thanking fuck I don’t have to put up with his abusive behaviour anymore. No one should have to live with what I had to and I hope you’re not implying otherwise.

beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 10:59

Yep. It's what these dickheads do.

I'd ditch your "friend" tbh. She clearly has no clue she's being used but what a horrible thing for her to do to you. I hope you have others around you who are more understanding and supportive.

Muttly · 16/11/2021 11:02

Totally normal. Friends can sometimes be as useless as chocolate teapots in these situations because they have their own baggage that they project onto your completely different situation and their own conditioning and they advise accordingly. Tell your friend you don’t need her advise any longer and shit down any discussions she starts on the situation. She is not a suitable person to seek advice from in this context, you know that now.

Muttly · 16/11/2021 11:03

*shut ooops

TheFoundations · 16/11/2021 11:08

This isn't a separate, 'side effect' or 'symptom' of the abuse pattern, it's within the abuse pattern. He's tried to make you feel bad from inside the relationship, and now he's trying to make you feel bad from outside the relationship, but the basics are still the same: he controls the circumstances, and you feel as shit as he can possibly make you feel.

How to deal with it? Don't feel shit. Use this ongoing abuse to galvanise your strength to leave him, and stay left.

ending up with one close friend telling me very sternly that she is concerned about him and asking what am I going to do about that

Anybody like this either needs to be left behind, too, or you need to tell them very briefly, if you want to let them in, what actually happened. 'He was abusive to me, and he's still being abusive now.' is all you need to say, if you don't want to go into details. Anybody who respects your feelings will take that on board, and respect what you have to do (ie distance yourself from him completely) If they don't, they're no friend, and you need to leave them behind.

From here on in, only spend time with people who are supportive of your feelings. That simple action will save you from any abuse in the future.

Original poster
Peach2021 · 16/11/2021 11:21

thanks everyone, it's all such a headfuck...and hard to hold on to "my truth" as @smoko describes it; I am mostly holding strong but every now and again I find myself wondering (again) if I imagined it all, or whether I have over-embellished on here and it really wasn't that bad...and maybe he just needs help to sort himself out...

Sigh...I will keep going...

OP posts:
nocnoc · 16/11/2021 11:22

Google “triangulation” that’s what he’s doing.
He’s also “chancing his arm” with every female who will give him the time of day. Be prepared for her to next be sympathy shagging him if she hasn’t done so already. Women can be extremely gullible. I’d say “thanks for your concern but I made him move out for very good reasons and your message shows me I was right to do so. Please google narcissistic personality disorder. If he is pleading he’s been wronged, I’m a bitch, poor me..then you should be warned that these are what are called “red flags” and I strongly urge you to read up on this before you are caught up in any more of his lies. He abused me over many years and I’d finally had enough. He’s had many chances to make change and he decided not to. Lastly, please do not get involved in something which will probably turn legal. This really is none of your business and you are also supposed to be my friend”

nocnoc · 16/11/2021 11:23

I’m furious with your “friend” on your behalf but his behaviour shows how right you are to end it

M0rT · 16/11/2021 11:26

I don't think you have over embellished or imagined it all, but even if you did so what?
Your allowed separate from him regardless of the reasons and once you've ended a relationship how the other person deals with it isn't your business any more.
Try as much as possible to keep communication focused solely on your DC and any friends who try to make you "mind" your ex are not the brightest and possibly not your friends.
Good luck 🍀

Coffeesnob11 · 16/11/2021 11:27

Check out darvo. It's where abusers turn things round on the victim and that's what he's doing to you. Ignore this so called friend. Well done for leaving.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/11/2021 11:33

I agree women can be very gullible to this manipulation and very optimistic about male behaviour.

I get grief for not being in contact with a half sibling who’s never shown any interest in me “you should find your brother and get in touch” 🙄 ok bab 🤪

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 11:37

Tell her you're going to make the trial separation permanent.
There's no point trying to save a relationship with an abuser.

Shoxfordian · 16/11/2021 11:45

He’s trying to control the narrative to manipulate everyone. Keep strong and remember why you left

Bluetrews25 · 16/11/2021 11:50

Perhaps you should tell her she has no idea how much abuse and manipulation you have endured through time.
Then suggest she googles 'flying monkey' in relation to an abusive relationship. And ask her to stop being one, or she cannot be your friend any more.

namechangecoercivecontrol · 16/11/2021 11:56

One little piece of advice - write it all down - all the abuse you’ve had from him. Spend a few hours maybe even going back through old emails or whatever and document it. Then if you’re doubting yourself, look back at that list and it will remind you, objectively, what he’s like. Also if you have trusted friends, try telling them the whole truth of what he’s done - I downplayed or minimized for a long time - when I gave the whole picture that really helped me see how wrong it all was.