DH acting like he's the wronged one...

[Peach2021]

After many years of abusive behaviour, I recently finally found the strength to ask DH to move out for a trial separation.

After endless distress, tears and threats of suicide he's gone. We are in regular contact because of DS.

He's carrying on - to me and to anyone else who'll listen - as if I've hurt him rather than the other way round, ending up with one close friend telling me very sternly that she is concerned about him and asking what am I going to do about that.

I know he's struggling, but I don't think it's anything like as bad as the show he's putting on. If anything this dramatic and manipulative behaviour makes me more sure I've done the right thing, but how to deal with it? Does this normally happen when you call an abuser out on their behaviour?

Oh he's totally lining her up for a sympathy shag! if he cant get her to manipulate you into shagging him again, he's hoping his sob story will get her in to bed instead.

He's no longer your problem to fix, so there's not anything you can 'do' about it. But if she's daft enough to fall for his shite, let her take him on as a project.

Unfortunately they do this. When I left my ex I had his boss calling me to tell me he was worried about him, he was drinking too much and could I take him back. I'd never met the man! I cut off every single person who tried to convince me to take him back. I had one friend who totally backed him, and I broke off any contact with her - hearing someone tell you its not that bad because at least he didn't beat you up isn't what you need!

They always play the victim, as they like to get sympathy from people around them and turn you into the abuser. A word of caution though - when the whole "I'm such a victim" thing didn't work on me my ex got nasty and I had to get the police to issue a warning for harassment.

Just keep your wits about you, and keep going - you've done the hard part. Grey rock him if he contacts you about anything other than child contact.

My now exh told anyone who would listen I had mh problems. Even my so called friend told people I had pnd after I told her he had raped me 2 weeks pp. I knew then I really was going it alone. I left the area.

I agree women can be very gullible to this manipulation and very optimistic about male behaviour.

^True

It is our socialisation, conditioning ad dependency on men when we are in vulnerable situations (like having young children) that make us more prone to it.

You didn't imagine it nor embellish. This is classic abuser behaviour. If your friend asks about this again, you may want to pose to her 'why is he contacting my friends for support rather than his own friends?' He's trying to control you still from the outside.

My ExH did the exact same thing. Got in touch with all of my female friends trying to garner sympathy from them and to try and talk me around. Trying to portray himself as the victim, blah blah. Didn't seek his friends for support, only my friends. I ended up going NC with a lot of those supposed 'friends' of mine and cut them off. They offered me no support at all during the worst of it but were supportive to him. It sounds as if the exact same thing you're dealing with. Remain dignified, don't fall for the control and put one foot in front of the other moving forward in your lovely life.

Your Ex will end up not staying in contact with them after they've ceased being useful to him. And they will regret losing the friendship with you after they've realised that he manipulated them. And that he wasn't their friend at all. It's a very sad outcome losing those friendships, but you need friends that have your back. Not people who want to comfort your abuser. xx

He's carrying on - to me and to anyone else who'll listen - as if I've hurt him rather than the other way round

OP, I haven't read your other threads but this is 100% part of the pattern. I imagine that much of the abuse was him gaslighting you so that his behaviour was either swept under the carpet or you were told it simply didn't happen while whatever you said/did/thought is held up to the light as an example of how you make him angry/sad/hurt/insecure etc?

Once he has to leave, this dynamic changes. especially if you no longer respond to his usual tactics. eg, "I am sorry, I know I didn't do the washing up but I was so sad and hurt by our argument earlier". Your "correct" response is to apologise for whatever you said earlier, tell him it's okay, soothe his feelings (you're dong this to prevent more meltdowns etc) and then.... do the washing up. But that's gone. So he has to escalate.

I'm watching someone I know go through this now. Her DH is unravelling and does seem to be reaching a mental health crisis point. BUT.... it's because he's so confused because suddenly she's not doing what she's always done and he can't blame her for his actions and he's FURIOUS. He has also attempted to send messages to her friends and family with a combination of guilt trips ("why is no one listening to me, I need help"), vaguely ominous suggestions ("if you knew even the half of what goes on"), suggestions of how they can solve her problems, ("If you take her out for dinner we'll all get a break and she will see sense") and, my personal favourite, suggestions that violence might be the only way to sort this out (we think he thinks it's a way to show how "Desperate" he is).

Stay strong. You're doing well.

@Pumpkinsonparade yes! The whole 'she's got MH problems' is all part of their script. My ex told everyone that too, such bullshit isn't it? We didn't have MH problems, we had abuser problems!
I did the same as you and left the area. And I only kept in touch with 2 friends I had there and that I trust.

It might not feel like it , but you're doing really well op.

I remember having to let my friendship with one of exh's cousins drift , even though we were close friends before I met exh. He made it so hard for us to continue being friends (on purpose obviously) , and I will always miss her , but knowing that she will be present when he slags me off but will not defend me is enough for me to break contact.

He's not a lying scumbag , he's just venting because he's hurt...over a decade later. When he was the abuser. Yep.

@Peach2021

thanks everyone, it's all such a headfuck...and hard to hold on to "my truth" as *@smoko* describes it; I am mostly holding strong but every now and again I find myself wondering (again) if I imagined it all, or whether I have over-embellished on here and it really wasn't that bad...and maybe he just needs help to sort himself out...

Sigh...I will keep going...

Does anybody else in your life make you question your own ability to judge a situation in this way? The answer to the 'what if it's just me being over-sensitive' question is irrelevant; the toxicity is in the fact that he manipulates your emotions to the extent that you're asking the question in the first place.

Any relationship where you feel like you're losing your ability to judge yourself is dangerous, because you start to rely on the other person to judge you instead, and healthy people don't take on board other people's judgements of them.

If he needs to sort himself out, then, as a healthy person, he would pull back from you, and get to work on that, to save you taking too much of the impact of his failings. But he's not. He's impacting you as much and as painfully as he can. He is actively doing damaging things to you.

He's got no concern for your needs to 'sort yourself out', so why are you using that as a potential excuse for him?

There's nothing headfuck here: he abused you, you ended it, he is badmouthing you. No signs of poor judgment or doubt from you there. It's done. Keep it done. Don't make the emotions complicated. Remove the questions marks. You made a good decision for sound reasons, you are upholding your boundary, and he doesn't like it.

Onwards.

It can be extremely frustrating and upsetting when people just don't 'get' your situation. The only people who 'got' my situation were my adult DC who categorically told me I should leave. That's because they lived part of it. When someone hasn't experienced abuse they won't 'get' it totally. They will react to a person getting upset, their tears, their mental anguish, their breakdown. If that's all coming from the abuser, they are going to feel sorry for that person. If the 'victim' (don't like that word) shows strength, people wonder if the 'victim' is not really a victim at all. It's all so stereotypical. Abusers are often game-players. Just keep your dignity and it will pass.

Looks as if your friend is auditioning to be the next woman he abuses. Not at first though.... he won't show his true colours until he's done a mind job on her as well.

Yes it’s absolutely textbook.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

He will try several tactics but you need to remember it’s all part of the game.

Have as little communication as possible and if you think he is ever going to genuinely hurt himself just call 999.

@Pombearsforthewin that's exactly how he and I got involved in the first place. Ouch.

Not while he was still with his ex I must add...we got together a long time after they separated...but at the time I definitely fell for his manipulative crap

My ex did and is still doing the exact same thing.

We escaped. Just remember that. I'd dump the friend too or at least nacj right off

Exh preached such shite to our dc that 2 went nc with him. Sadly the pfb had been too brainwashed. He told me that xy and z wrong with my dc was obviously my fault. He couldn't accept it was actually his df's fault..

Honestly, dump the friend too. She can't be trusted right now. Think back to when you and your ex got together - did you listen to anyone warning you off? You didn't even listen to your own little voice of warning, and I bet if anyone tried to tell you he was bad news, you would have dismissed them. So there's no point trying to reason with your friend. Tell her that you can't be friends if she is taking your ex's side in this, because he is an abuser, and by taking his side, she's perpetuating his abuse. And then let her go.

Agree with pp, it's a great idea to write everything down. Just a long list of all the shit he pulled with you. Just to remind yourself that you are not the crazy one!

[quote Peach2021]@Pombearsforthewin that's exactly how he and I got involved in the first place. Ouch. [/quote]
Thing is, they are always charming to be begin with. Show some vulnerability, a softer side, and tell you that the first wife/partner was crazy or unreasonable. It's insidious and then before you know it, bam! it is you who is being used and abused.

Stay strong.

Friend has been recruited as a Flying Monkey.
Reply that his feelings are his own concern, you are no longer in a relationship, dont discuss this with me again.
Then keep her at arms length, avoid any discussions with her as it will go straight back to him.

[quote Peach2021]@Pombearsforthewin that's exactly how he and I got involved in the first place. Ouch. [/quote]
I would pay a LOT of money for 30 minutes with BIL's ex. 15 years ago we believed all his stories about her and honestly felt sorry for him.

Yeah its totally normal, they go on PR campaigns. The only advice I can give on people coming to you with their opinions is to tell them what happened and if they're still buying the abusers spin. Cut them loose. Wear blinkers. Only communicate if you have to.

He is feeling all hurt because you are no longer enable his entitled behaviour.
Sympathies op, it is unjust and enfuriating.
That is the new truth he has written for himself. Short of a lie detector, what can you do.
On the plus side you have dumped him which is worth gold. Go you!
You will have a whole new life without his involvement and you will have a million opportunities to state the facts. Relish every single one.

Thanks those of you who have suggested that I write down what's happened - part of my confusion is that the worst abuse, to my DS, was a couple of years ago, and when it happened I was too shocked to do anything much about it, other than get very angry with DH at the time.

I feel very, very bad about this, and somehow it's those memories, and that feeling, that are coming to the fore now; the straw that broke the camel's back, more recently, was nothing in comparison. But it was - in my head and heart - the end, and I knew that as it happened.

Peach2021, I finally left over him jokingly calling me a cunt during his nice cycle.

I didn't leave when he trashed the house or broke my things. Or when he strangled me. Or when he smashed my car up. Or when he smuggled drugs in my suitcase unbeknownst to me. Or gave me counterfeit money to do the weekly shop. Or when Women's aid told me I should. I carried on and only left when he called me a name he'd called me hundreds of times before.

And yes, I should have woken up from the daze ages before and it took something trivial enough to make me snap my eyes open but that's often the nature of abuse.

You are out now. That's what matters.

You are out now. That's what matters.

Absolutely. Well done to both of you.